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I'm not sure if I should get my hopes up


missdoglover

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I've never posted here before, but I'm happy to have found the forum and was just hoping for possibly a little bit of advice or insight.

 

My ex and I broke up at the end of January 2013. We broke up due to my own insecurities. I had the mindset of "I trust you, it's the women throwing themselves at you that I don't trust". I didn't feel like I was good enough for him, and that eventually it would end. When we broke up, I was completely devastated. I did all the wrong things...relentlessly called, texted, and emailed him. Begged and pleaded that he give me another chance. Met up with him and threw myself at him, and then got upset when he said we couldn't get back together. It ended as can be expected, with him saying we should no longer talk because he can't give me what I want.

 

I felt like my whole world was upside down, and I sought out therapy. I was in therapy for a few months, and to this day I still try to work on myself every day. In May, I decided to contact him and see what would happen. He told me he had a girlfriend, and that was where our communication ended.

 

Since then, I continue to work on myself. I have tried to date a few people, but I still love him, and don't feel it's fair to string anyone along. I dream about him often, and just often pray and hope that he has a very happy life, and that what he wants happens for him. Otherwise I try and live life, and see friends, and just do the best I can day by day.

 

Out of the blue, a few weeks ago, I got an email from him that said he had been thinking about me and was wondering how I was doing. We have been talking a few times a week, and I enjoy our conversations. I learned that he is single. We met for coffee yesterday, and it felt very good to see him. It left butterflies in my stomach. However, I'm trying to guard my heart. Of course I still love him, and I feel like I always will. But I'm not sure if he is interested in getting back together, or if he is just trying to be friends again. I want to try...know I would regret it if I didn't. But at the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up only to find out he is not interested.

 

Any thoughts or insight would be very appreciated, and thank you.

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In your place, I'd want to draw a firm boundary to protect myself. I wouldn't continue to speak with him or see him while leaving things undefined. I think the best way to do this is to let him know that while you've enjoyed re-connecting, you're not really interested in just a friendship at this point. Then I'd thank him for understanding and wish him the best.... IF he wants more than friendship, he can make it known at that point.

 

But it doesn't do you any good to allow him to enjoy your company while leaving things undefined -- you're potentially setting yourself up to get hurt again and he should have more consideration for you and your feelings, imo.

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The last communication we had he mentioned that when he gets back in town after the Holidays, we should get a drink. I told him "haha, well if I throw myself at you, you'll have to fight me off and make me switch to water" and he said

 

"OR, or, I have a different plan. It's complicated, and it may take a little bit of work, but I think it would be more effective than fighting you off and making you drink water..."

 

I do not know what this means. I asked him what that plan consisted of yesterday night, but have not heard back.

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He's teasing you -- but you have very real feelings on the line.

 

I would make this the last bit of slack you give him. After this, unless he's giving you a very strong indication that he wants to get back together -- and not just have some no-strings sex -- I'd let him know you're not up for friendship and walk. Just imo.

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Interesting - it's hard to decipher. Don't throw yourself at him, for your own good. Don't have any expectations and let him initiate. And DO NOT sleep with him until he proves (this takes time) he wants you back. Otherwise he's using you and will never respect as he would a girlfriend.

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I appreciate the advice. It's just so hard, because I still love him, and wish we could be together, but I really do want him to be happy.

 

Don't let you wanting him to be happy be at the expense of YOUR happiness. Follow doicares advice and dont sleep with him until he proves he wants you back because you will feel used if you sleep with him and you dont get back together.

 

At this stage he has not said he does want to get back together, let alone proved it so make sure its the real deal before you risk another broken heart over him.

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Don't let you wanting him to be happy be at the expense of YOUR happiness. Follow doicares advice and dont sleep with him until he proves he wants you back because you will feel used if you sleep with him and you dont get back together.

 

At this stage he has not said he does want to get back together, let alone proved it so make sure its the real deal before you risk another broken heart over him.

 

You make a lot of sense. I am trying to guard my heart, because I know full well what my weakness is in life. At the same time, I truly do feel happiness even just hearing from him. Knowing that things are going well for him makes me feel better. I'm glad that he contacted me, and just to have him in my life in some capacity is meaningful to me. That's not to say, however, that I don't feel like I need to know where I stand. If he does not want to be with me, then I can understand that, I just want to know up front so that I don't get my hopes up. Even just seeing him yesterday, I felt relaxed and happy and nervous and jittery all at the same time. I guess it's true that you don't learn to value someone until you no longer have them. Whether he ends up with me, or someone else, she will be an incredibly lucky girl.

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I appreciate the advice. It's just so hard, because I still love him, and wish we could be together, but I really do want him to be happy.

 

Forget HIS happiness. That's what HE'S worried about -- you don't need to be worried about that as well.

 

What about YOU? YOUR feelings? YOUR wellbeing?

 

This guy is toying with your emotions right now and imo that's a red flag. Keep him at arm's length and make him WORK to get any closer. Don't meet up with him again unless he tells you he wants to talk about getting back together. And DON'T have sex with him unless he tells you first that he wants to be your boyfriend again!

 

Boundaries, my friend. Protect yourself.

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Forget HIS happiness. That's what HE'S worried about -- you don't need to be worried about that as well.

 

What about YOU? YOUR feelings? YOUR wellbeing?

 

This guy is toying with your emotions right now and imo that's a red flag. Keep him at arm's length and make him WORK to get any closer. Don't meet up with him again unless he tells you he wants to talk about getting back together. And DON'T have sex with him unless he tells you first that he wants to be your boyfriend again!

 

Boundaries, my friend. Protect yourself.

 

I know that you are right. It's SO hard to be in the position where you know you would give anything just to have another shot, but yet I wouldn't wish the level of pain I felt after our breakup on anyone, ever. I'm a pretty petite woman, and after our breakup I lost 10 lbs simply because I physically couldn't eat. I never want to get to that point again.

 

It's also frustrating because it was my fault that we broke up, and I take full responsibility for my actions. I know that I am undeserving of a second chance, and yet I would be so grateful if I could have one. I'm already feeling like I'm sort of "sucked in" because he will send me a message, and I will respond right away, and then sometimes it's days before I hear from him. And while I know I should be out enjoying life the best I can, I'm constantly checking my phone and computer to see if he messaged me. I feel really, really pathetic.

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I feel like such a complete and utter fool today. I'm so angry that I let myself get pulled back into this madness. We had been talking on and off a bit, though never very consistently. So two days ago I texted him and we were chatting a bit and he was flirting like he usually does. I asked him if he was back in town from Christmas, and he said no, but he would be back tomorrow. I asked if we could get lunch, and he said "I think I can do that So tomorrow comes, and I text him at around 10:30AM asking if we are still on for lunch. He texts me back an hour later saying "yes, but it'll have to be a little later, sorry". So I wait and at 3:30 I say that it's okay if he is too busy today. At 4:30 he texts me back saying "would you hate me if we did it tomorrow?". I text him "don't even worry about it".

 

So I'm so frustrated and mad, and upset that I'm settling for stupid breadcrumbs. I called him just a bit ago at 11:30, and of course no answer. It's so frustrating because he couldn't make any time to see me yesterday, but I can see he is active on link removed. Clearly he is looking for someone, just not me. Why do I drag myself through the mud like this? Why did he ever have to reach out and make contact with me again? I feel so upset inside.

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It's clear you are right. I can't for the life of me understand WHY it's so hard to let him go when I know he truly does not care about me. Yesterday after I called and didn't hear back from him, I sent him a text message:

 

Hey, tried calling you earlier today. I have a bad feeling we are not doing lunch today! Sorry I kind of bugged you to meet up with me...just was really hoping to see you. Anyway, hope you enjoy your day and sorry we didn't get to catch up.

 

Of course, after I sent it, I immediately felt completely pathetic. Why am I APOLOGIZING for him not caring enough to even say that he wasn't planning on meeting me for lunch like he originally said? His behavior was rude, and I feel led on, and yet I'm APOLOGIZING. Ridiculous. It's like I was walking on eggshells because I was so afraid to say the wrong thing and make him ignore me. But guess what, it happened anyway! I know that in the long run it is a good thing that he is not talking to me anymore, because I need to heal and move on from him. I do wish that he would have just stayed away. Why contact me again for nothing?? THAT is what I want to know.

 

I am thankful to have this site to go to for an encouraging word, and to help me see things that I should already realize.

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The way to prevent any more of these kinds of situations is to GO NO CONTACT.

 

Stop the contact. Stop texting, stop calling, stop messaging, stop emailing -- just stop it.

 

There's no mystery why it's hard for you to let go of him. Letting go of someone you love is HARD. For everyone. Your love isn't special or unique -- everyone here who's struggling with going No Contact is struggling with exactly the same thing!

 

Hey, tried calling you earlier today. I have a bad feeling we are not doing lunch today! Sorry I kind of bugged you to meet up with me...just was really hoping to see you. Anyway, hope you enjoy your day and sorry we didn't get to catch up.

 

^^ This is a terrible message. This basically says "Hey, please continue to use me as your Plan B option for as long as it takes you to find another girlfriend, because nothing you say or do is going to make me walk away, even when you blow me off and treat me like I mean nothing to you."

 

The reason you need to go No Contact now is to stop yourself from sending messages like this. You're not in your right mind at the time you're sending them -- it's only later, looking back, that you realize how self-sabotaging they are.

 

PLEASE take the steps now to begin No Contact. It's NOT the easy road -- but it's the path to true healing. It's also about the only way of giving your ex a chance to experience life without you and possibly reconsider his decision. It FEELS bad to do it.... but in the long run, it's the healthiest way!

 

Here's a guide that will help you -- I'm sure I've sent you this link already, but check it out! link removed

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....So I'm so frustrated and mad, and upset that I'm settling for stupid breadcrumbs. I called him just a bit ago at 11:30, and of course no answer. It's so frustrating because he couldn't make any time to see me yesterday, but I can see he is active on link removed. Clearly he is looking for someone, just not me. Why do I drag myself through the mud like this? Why did he ever have to reach out and make contact with me again? I feel so upset inside.

 

 

Girl, you sound a bit desperate, needy, clingy. You should seriously consider two things: Lightening up about 100 watts and getting a copy of The Rules - which is written in a completely bizarre voice, but the message is clear - confidence, setting higher standards, and keeping things "light" are, ultimately, attractive to men.

 

If you can't lighten up, you really should consider breaking off contact.

 

What did you get out of therapy?

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I agree -- no more messages like the one you sent. I used to send messages to my ex like that too -- ones were I was "apologizing" to him for non-existent things or things HE did --ugh. I cringe now when I think of it.

 

Don't contact him again. If he comes up with a REAL plan and sticks to it, then you can see what happens, but it all has to be coming from him. You've made your interest clear. In the meantime, don't sit around waiting for him to figure himself out. Go out there and live your life!

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Well, it's been three days of no contact, and honestly I feel...really relieved. It's strange, but a couple days ago I was staring down at my phone, feeling anxious like a maniac, and I just thought "this is insane! I don't want to feel this way! And I don't want someone who makes me feel this way!" I've always wanted a man who makes me feel loved, adored, accepted, and cared about. This person makes me feel horrible about myself, doesn't care about me, doesn't make any effort, and plays games. Exactly the kind of person I DONT want. It's like if you have no common courtesy to at least tell someone you aren't meeting with them, then I want no part of that. I DO deserve better. And I will not be alone forever, I WILL find better. And in order to find someone good, I have to stop hanging on to something bad. At this point, I hope he does not contact me. I am DONE.

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Congrats on not talking to him! Now keep it going. I am going through the same thing with my ex right now. You do deserve better. There is no reason for somebody to treat a person that way in my opinion. Especially somebody that you have dated and at one time loved. It really is selfish. I wish you luck with everything. You will find somebody who truly cares about you and wants nothing but to see a smile on your face.

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So have you blocked him on anything?

 

If you feel you are done, take the steps to allow that to happen.... so you can really heal and move on.

 

I have indeed blocked him. I have blocked him on Facebook also. We were not friends, but now I cannot see his profile or anything. I have deleted every text, and every email. It feels AMAZING. It's like there is no longer any temptation whatsoever to contact him. I can see him for what he truly is. It was hard to get over him the first time, and I feel like I never really did. But him reappearing just affirmed for me everything I should have known. That he never cared. I remember now why I wanted out. I just want to be free of him forever, and be with a man who deserves me.

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