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Should I join in?


boredphoenix

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Hi, I have replied here occasionally but never seriously posted, so here goes.

 

I have been with my partner for almost 3 years, we live together and spend almost all of our time together when I am not working. We always had a very active and satisfactory sex life, and I never had any reason not to trust him, however because of a lot of family problems that I have been attempting to work through with a counsellor, I have a lot of problems with paranoia. This lead to me snooping, which I am ashamed of, which led to me discovering his, for lack of a better word, his addiction.

He doesnt watch porn, he contacts people on line and webcams etc, to share explicit pictures and mutually masterbate. He has subsequently explained that it is not about the other people, it is about the ego boost, which I understand, but still when I first found out I was shocked and honestly, pretty heart broken, I still love him but in the last year I feel slightly numb to him, we have been working past the first onset of betrayal feelings and hopefully helping him not do it any more, but each time we have gotten over it and we are ok again I discover a fresh batch and we have to start again. This happened several times until the most recent one, and since then we have both fallen into a depression and rarely have sex any more, he has trouble 'maintaining' because he feels so rubbish about everything, both that hes done and because of my obvious feelings about it. We have discussed doing it together, me joining him online, which I think I am ready for, but I dont know if it will actually help?

Has anyone else experienced something similar? If I join in will I just be more betrayed if he then does it alone?

He is genuinely my soul mate but this might have just made us sexually incompatible because of my trust issues and his addicted nature.

I know this was more of a rant than a question, because of the nature ofnour problems I cant talk to family or friends, so they think we are blissfully happy, as I thought we were before, and I find it all exhausting.

Any advice would be amazing, thanks for reading.

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It is when I hear these kinds of stories that I wonder whether there is something biologically different with men that they cannot be faithful...but then if that is the case, why are there so many men out there that ARE able to be faithful...no problem???

 

Your partner has cheated on you. The advice you will receive here is to stand up for yourself and move on. You should not have any tolerance for cheating unless you make the choice that that is the kind of life you want. Yes, you have been together 3 years, yes you may be soul mates...but you could have 20+ years ahead (i'm not sure how old you are...) so that is LOTS of time to get over a break up, move on, find a partner who doesn't cheat on you and live a happy cheating free life. You decide.

 

Oh and should you join in????? To even ask that question makes me wonder about your self esteem....I think you could use some counselling over this issue.

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Thank you, I do think it has a lot to do with my self esteem, and I am very young, only 21, I just dont think I am ready to try and move on, I still feel like there is some kind of solution to be had.

As you said at the top of your post I do sometimes think men are wired differetly, and whilst that shouldnt be a reason to accept it, because it is unacceptable, I can either help him work through this problem or find someone im not so compatible with and help work them through some other ridiculous problem, as we are all human and all have pretty big flaws.

 

That may be jaded or naive, I think the self esteem issues are the biggest key here, if I can get on top of my own issues then I can move up or move on but without them im just going to stay unsure and waste my youth! So I know thats not much of an answer but thank you

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Pheonix, I SINCERELY hope you do not stay with this man. You are so young and it would be such a waste of a life to stay with someone who treats you this way. You are a strong young woman, and while you may not have the best self esteem right now, you can get there....one way to feel confident with yourself is to stand up for yourself. Maybe men are wired differently...maybe it's harder for them to stay faithful, but your man is the exception, not the rule...be with a man who will treat you like gold and respect your relationship by not cheating...do it for your future self.

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I agree with emma that you should leave him, but if not, you definitely shouldn't join in. You're just encouraging his bad habit. He's got a bit of a problem if he needs an "ego boost" from strangers online looking at his schlong. Even though it's not physical cheating, it IS cheating and if you did it with him, you'd kinda be helping him cheat on you, or at least let outsiders into your sex life. What if someone on the other side took a video of it and posted it on a website?!

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addiction is addiction, whether it's explicit pictures, booze,gambling, drugs... they are not going to give it up without hitting rock bottom with it and it turn you in to a enabling co-dependent. You need to start looking at this as what it is and not some bump in the road.

 

If it was drugs, would you be willing to join in doing drugs with him? If it was booze, would you join in in drinking with him? If it was gambling, would you join in in blowing your paycheck? The addiction is his mistress which he will not give up for you. No amount of snooping is going to change that.

 

Think about it.

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I have a friend. She told me in 2009 that her husband couldn't be monogomous because he was abused. She had two choices, accept it, or divorce. She chose to accept it. They invite people into their home and bed and have threesomes, sometimes they find couples like them and swap. She was morbidly obese (350#).

 

She had gastric bypass this year. She just told me a few weeks ago that she finally feels as pretty as him (he's fit and attractive, and I guess she didn't feel as attractive as him at her previous weight).

 

She put up with his behavior, IMHO, because she liked the bragging rights of having a fit, attractive husband.

 

You are very young. There is no such things as one love of your life. You will find other men who will treat you the way you want to be treated, and share the same values you share. So don't put him on a pedastal of being the great love of your life.

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Well, if you want to do that too then what's the harm. But if you're doing just out of some misguided idea that it will keep him and you don't want to find and chat up men on webcam sites for your own pleasure then no, hella no.

 

At the age of 21 I am going to tell you his behavior will never get better, only worse. One day just doing it online won't be enough and he'll go looking to make those fantasies real putting you at all sorts of risk for diseases and worse potentially. And please ditch the whole idea of "soul mate" which is one of the biggest lies of the 21st Century. There is no one person out there who completes you so perfectly, who you just are nothing without, that you should put with cheating from. You are born who you are, you are complete from day number one, love is something that's supposed to be shared--not a model for codependency or doormat behaviors. In other words what you want and what you need is exactly all you need to complete you. Another person doesn't give you that, you do.

 

Besides if he were really your "soul mate" (rolls eyes) then he wouldn't be doing that to you now would he? He'd be happy to just be with you and not need any external stimulation from people who are just there for sex. Sorry no, get out now while the getting is good and you're young and not tied down by kids or property and money that he uses to hold you in place. What he does isn't normal, it isn't healthy, it isn't loving. Would you stay with a heroin addict who insisted on shooting up and worse wanted you to shoot up with them or you chose to shoot up with them to keep him? Because that exactly what's going on here and yes in today's world with AIDs and other venereal diseases that can gie you cancer and worse having a sex addiction is potentially every bit as deadly. Die of overdose or die of AIDS, neither choice is a good death. Addiction brings both to the person who won't fight and beat their addiction.

 

Something to think about, no?

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