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Is it just me or was this a really ty thing to do to someone?


Jasmine40

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Hi,

 

I am getting divorced soon after a 17 year marriage. To cut a long story short I was never particularly happy but because my husband was not bad (i.e. did not drink, gamble, abuse me, etc.) I felt it was wrong to leave him just for my own selfish desires. I thought he actually loved me (although he never said it and would probably rather have died than give me a compliment) and I didn't want to disrupt his life.

 

However, years kept going by and after a while I realised if I didn't do something soon I would be in my 80s and have wasted my whole life. So I brought a few things up. Anyway, eventually we decided on a trial separation and he moved out, he started counselling and we were supposed to go together once he'd sorted his own issues out. (His mum was an alcoholic and he has a lot of issues, believe me). However, after one session he decided that was it, he liked being on his own = end of marriage. I cannot say I was devastated as I had wanted out for so long, albeit a little annoyed that I had not worked him out sooner and left to have my own life when I was younger.

 

So why did he stay with me when he was obviously not so bothered about the whole thing? I had always wanted a child and he claimed to want one too. Conveniently for him he was infertile and although I often suggested therapies and treatments he was always unwilling. I thought it was some kind of male pride and didn't push the matter enough. He admitted to me that he had never wanted a child but lied so that I wouldn't leave him. Other reasons for him staying - I made life very comfortable for him. I earn about 5x as much and we lived a very luxurious lifestyle - something he has had to leave behind now he is on his own.

 

Well, the reason I am posting this here is that we have a lot of mutual friends and acquaintances and everyone I know always talks about "what a great guy" he is. And yes, on the surface he probably is. He is very good looking, funny and kind, to other people, at any rate. But I just feel that if you can lie to someone for 17 years and deny them the chance of ever having a child, whereas you know that is what they want - sorry, but how does that make you a good guy? And if you admit to having lied because you did not want to give up that person's money - are you still a great guy? I am not looking to demonize him or cause him trouble in any way. I just would like someone to acknowledge that he is actually a piece of . But no one seems willing to do that. Is it really so trivial - to lie for 17 years and make a choice for someone that you don't have the right to make? Or am I just some loony ex-wife with an axe to grind?

 

This matter is really bothering me - I am so fed up of going out and hearing "oh great to see X getting on with his life, he's such a great guy, shame it didn't work out" when really I think someone should be saying what kind of person does that to someone. So is it just me?

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The thing is he is a great guy.......to THEM. They don't have to rely on him for anything and he isn't lying to them. See what I mean? He however was not a great guy to you. So there is a difference. They are concerned with how he is to them ,the surface appearance .I'm sure they're not delving deeper into the nitty-gritty. There is also no point in you telling other people that he's a dirt bag because it won't work. It will just make you look really bitter and nasty.

 

But I do understand what you're saying.

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I'm sorry but you knew he was infertile and didnt want to have therapies and treatments (despite his claims to want a child) so it was your choice to stay with him for all that time. It also seems that you BOTH stayed because it was comfortable, not just him. However, there is no point in looking back with regret, just keep moving forward with hope of a happy life without him.

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I also don't see why you stayed with him for 17 years if you knew he was infertile and not getting therapy. Obviously, I am not in your shoes, but if having kids are a priority to you, you have to make sure that they are to the man you are with. Otherwise, you should have gotten a divorce a few years into the marriage. Can you still have kids?

 

And yes, I'm sure that he's a good guy to all of your friends and acquaintances, but they weren't the ones married to him.

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I thought he actually loved me (although he never said it and would probably rather have died than give me a compliment) and I didn't want to disrupt his life.

 

This, to me, is more telling than his infertility, which he was upfront about.

 

His friends, they didn't have to live with that. The "great guy" persona they're familiar with probably gives compliments and is a ready helping hand, not a selfish donkey.

 

Should you have moved on sooner? Maybe. But that's hindsight. Hindsight is always much clearer than when you're sitting in the middle of things trying to be fair and not "be a quitter."

 

So I have to agree - at this point, just resolve to look forward at what you still CAN do. And don't settle for someone who isn't willing to give you at least some expressions of approval and affection on a regular basis - you want someone who thinks you hung the moon, not who is only concerned with their own ego and how they're hung.

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I thought he actually loved me (although he never said it and would probably rather have died than give me a compliment) and I didn't want to disrupt his life.

 

I think you both got comfortable and neither of you wanted to rock the boat.

 

I think you are hurting because he was the one to officially pull the plug while I think you wanted to maintain some kind of control and be the one to do it yourself.

 

You've admitted to not being happy for a long time so what does it matter who actually cut the string? I think you are also hurting because you stayed for so long... due to your own selfishness you admitted you chose to stay because it would be less disruptive on him when I think the truth is it was less disruptive on you.

 

I think you can both be super great wonderful people... you will both go on to have other relationships with others who will regard you both as totally terrific... but just because you are both great people doesn't mean that you are great people for each other.

 

I'm sorry for the sting and hurt of rejection but you both openly had the talk of separation so you had to expect this was a possible outcome. You can get through this. Rather than feeling woe is me and he lied all along (which I think is an easier thing to say now than perhaps 10yr ago) let yourself feel the release from something you hadn't wanted for so very long... you are free to explore all other kinds of possibilities now. Let all those doors open up now!

 

Hugs - it will get better.

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That sounds like it must be so frustrating for you. I would hate to hear how great my ex was...he's an ex for a reason! Don't worry about it...the close friends who know about your situation will understand and know the truth and the rest...who cares what they think.

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