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Special relationship ended in an awfully ugly way


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I was in a relationship with my ex for 14 months, it was a first relationship for both of us. I can honestly say that during that period I trusted him more than anyone else in my life and he seemed to love me. I could rely on him and things were good. Looking back, I understand that perhaps after initial honeymoon phase I was more giving and more invested. It is like he always saw himself as a separate individual, while for me, I saw myself and us primarily as a couple. I think the main difficulty for me is coming to the grips that this relationship was not the best and our love was not the greatest in this planet like I always thought. It is the breaking of this grand illusion that hurts the most. He decided to break up with me out of the blue, on Saturday he was hugging me and Saturday evening he used my jealousy to break up with me and put all blame on me. It was done in a very cruel manner too, saying things like 'f### off', 'get the f### out of my life', 'you have 12 days and then I'm throwing your stuff away'. It was shocking and I was really scared because never before he used such words speaking to me and never he was so cruel. I was just crying and in shock, I'm glad I never said anything bad to him. Then he almost throws me in a taxi and stops responding to my calls, blocks me everywhere. This never happened before, so I was devastated. 2 weeks I was in a such bad state, was contemplating suicide because I believed all he blamed. Amidst my shock, I messaged a girl he started talking to asking if they are close. It was a really polite and non-threatening message. She of course told him about the message and he then suddenly texts me saying 'you are f####ng awful human being'. Now I know the message was a mistake but I was in so much pain and shock so I don't blame myself for sending it. After he called me that, I really believed that and just wanted to end my life to stop the pain. Then I researched and could see that there is no easy way to do that plus I didn't want to cause pain to the people I know. I was in counseling and slowly started to getting better when he unblocked me on FB and I sent him a message (mistake, I know). He appeared cool and everything, said he wants to be friends and said something like 'meeting on Sunday, was the plan'. Really, he planned to meet me without me not even knowing it? Thankfully, I was going home that weekend so we didn't meet. We had a Skype call (another mistake) during which he didn't even apologise for anything he said or did. He said that he 'perhaps, I acted irrationally, I don't know'. I said that his words and actions really traumatized me, and only after that he said 'I wouldn't say them if I could go back'. So after all that pain, he just thought there is no point in discussing the past. Yeah, I agree but I think he needed to at least apologise. After that, he said he was overwhelmed by the Skype call and doesn't want to be friends with me, said he just wanted to check up on me. Really? Messed my head big time.

To be honest, I'm just in awe of him treating me like that, when earlier he was so nice. How could he do it if he loved me? I was reading about narcissism and I think he may have some of the traits. Otherwise, it is just so hard to explain this sudden cruelty. He also has depression and anxiety, so that may have contributed. How a person who loved you so much, could discard you like this? He is now talking and soon meeting another girl. I must say the circumstances of him meeting her are so similar to how our relationship started, it is ridiculous. So I'm thinking may be has narcissistic features and now he found someone new who could feed his ego? I don't know it is just makes me sad and bewildered when I thought relationship so strong and so special ended in such an ugly way. I don't think he understands the pain he caused me. Even though he said he can't look me in the eye after what happened, I believe it is more like a defence mechanism for him not to see me ever again not to remind him what he did instead of offering a genuine apology. I'm now in NC with him, I know he won't reach out, guess it is for the best.

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It happens, happened with me as well, my first love gone bad story. We were together for 3 years, and then for 1 more year he was a monster and a nightmare of my life after we broke up.

You need to ignore him, heal yourself and go forward with your life. You deserve better, and it was only a first relationship for you - you have so many to come!

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People who fall out of love and leave you can treat you like crap. Period. No "mental illness" diagnosis needed. Just realize if you keep contact with him, you are opening the door for more punishment.

 

May be you are right. It is just when such a transformation occurs, you naturally look for explanations of their behaviour. If it was just the case of him falling out of love, why not end it in a civil manner, why all the blame and hurt? I don't know, I probably should just accept it. And what do you mean by 'punishment'?

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It happens, happened with me as well, my first love gone bad story. We were together for 3 years, and then for 1 more year he was a monster and a nightmare of my life after we broke up.

You need to ignore him, heal yourself and go forward with your life. You deserve better, and it was only a first relationship for you - you have so many to come!

 

Yeah, I'm starting to move on, the main question for me is how I allowed such treatment and still wanted him back. Need to deal with all my unresolved issues and I hope for brighter days ahead

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how I allowed such treatment and still wanted him back

Girl, I was almost killed by my "love" two times in a row. I still loved him anyhow and came back the first time. It called an abusive relationship.

You will be fine, believe me. If you feel like you have a lot to solve - get some counseling.

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how I allowed such treatment and still wanted him back

Girl, I was almost killed by my "love" two times in a row. I still loved him anyhow and came back the first time. It called an abusive relationship.

You will be fine, believe me. If you feel like you have a lot to solve - get some counseling.

 

Is it an abusive relationship though if the abuse only happened in the end? It was traumatizing and led me to want to end my life but like Mr Darcy said people do all sorts of things when they don't love you, so I'm not sure if this can be considered abusive relationship? I'm already in counseling, and I'm meeting her in January so I will bring this up

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the only thing that matters now is that you are AWAY from him, and on your way to a better life for you, healing every trauma you may have gained in this relationship.

my abuse also happened in the end, and then went on for another year. our first year was amazing and we made plans about kids and houses, being 17 and 19 years old we lived together already.

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the only thing that matters now is that you are AWAY from him, and on your way to a better life for you, healing every trauma you may have gained in this relationship.

my abuse also happened in the end, and then went on for another year. our first year was amazing and we made plans about kids and houses, being 17 and 19 years old we lived together already.

 

It is hard isn't it when a good relationship comes to end like this. It is like all the good things which happened before are cancelled out by his behaviour towards the end. Are you in counseling and what do you do in order to heal?

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My break up took place a long time ago, in 2009, and I still feel its role in my life. I had a lot of anxiety, but this year I am letting it all go, I don't need that junk anymore in my life.

I was in counselling, I also moved to another country to work with children and with disabled people, and in that devotion I found a lot of peace.

It can sound funny - but reading Eat Pray Love helped me too. I re-read it every half a year or so, it is an amazing instruction on how to be happy, as a woman after a major break-up/nasty divorce/heartbreak. How to find yourself, how to find your faith.

 

I can tell you though that I wasn't coping all that good back then in 2009-2010. Stuff like this takes time. But in the end - it is up to you to let it go and to make that big decision to be happy.

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Good to see you are actively pursuing your happiness. I made a decision to do the same, I'm just scared I won't be able to do this because it has just happened and it is easier to set back into that mess than to take control of your happiness and your life. I will read that book, I was planning before but was scared to read it in case she fall in love again in the book and I'm not yet ready for that stuff

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May be you are right. It is just when such a transformation occurs, you naturally look for explanations of their behaviour. If it was just the case of him falling out of love, why not end it in a civil manner, why all the blame and hurt? I don't know, I probably should just accept it. And what do you mean by 'punishment'?

 

By 'punishment' I mean he will continue to be hot/cold with you if you keep in contact with him. Dumper's can have feelings of anger and resentment too. I had one ex who was angry at me for not being what he wanted. Lol.

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By 'punishment' I mean he will continue to be hot/cold with you if you keep in contact with him. Dumper's can have feelings of anger and resentment too. I had one ex who was angry at me for not being what he wanted. Lol.

I want to be friends with him when I get over him and after some time of course. Knowing his personality, he won't contact me. Is friendship possible if I was dumped and I reach out?

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This sounds vividly similar to my most recent break up. At first I was hurt, angry, and confused about how he treated me in the end, because it was completely unnecessary. But it really just says a lot about the type of person he is and I'm happy that I was saved from having to deal with such a person. It's been five months since our break-up and about four months no contact. At the end of the day, I'm happy he showed how much of a loser he is and how undeserving of my love he was before we got into deep. Now, he's someone else's problem while I continue the healing process. Hopefully one day, you'll take him off of the pedestal you have him on, see him for who he really is, and are able to move on with your head held high. It hurts now, when it's fresh, but you truly dodged a bullet. Stay far away from him and never respond if he attempts to contact you in the future.

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I want to be friends with him when I get over him and after some time of course. Knowing his personality, he won't contact me. Is friendship possible if I was dumped and I reach out?

 

Take things one step at a time. Don't focus on the future and a friendship. Focus on getting over him. You may not even want to be friends with him after you are over him.

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Take things one step at a time. Don't focus on the future and a friendship. Focus on getting over him. You may not even want to be friends with him after you are over him.

Thanks for reminding this to me! I always make a mistake of thinking months ahead, this makes me panic and make plans like when I should contact him to begin friendship etc. One day at a time!

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