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Hey everyone:

 

First I want to say this group is great and helpful. I'm going through a breakup that just occurred today. I've been through breakups before and some even really bad ones. Right now I'm feeling kinda "numb", but I have a feeling the full force of what has happened has not set in yet. Here is my story.

 

I met my ex a couple years ago off a dating site. We'll call her Sharon. She was 4 years younger than me, a Christian, never been married, and no kids....basically everything I was looking for in a relationship. We exchanged emails and then set up our first coffee date. Everything was going great. I met her family, fell in love with them too, and my life was wonderful. The only problem at the time was she lives over an hour away, but we still managed to find time to see each other.

 

Well to make a long story short, today Sharon called me and told me she had been thinking a lot about us and said she felt like she just wanted to be friends. I asked her why she felt that way, and she told me she didn't feel like we were on the same page "spiritually". Also, she said she never wants to move out of her town (again, an hour away) because her family, friends, church, and everything are there. I told her I was not 100% opposed to moving to her town, but I would have to find a job better than the one I have now, which means more money, and I would want to be able to afford a house nicer than the one I have now. I mean if you're going to move, the whole point is to make your life better. She, on the other hand, has been unemployed for a while and now lives with a roommate, and her parents have been helping her make ends meet. So it would only seem logical for her to move to my town if we got married, since I own my own home, have a job, a business, and am well established. Anyway, I was upset and shocked. I said some things I probably shouldn't have in the heat of the moment.

 

She said "Couldn't we try being friends and see where things go? I think I need to be single for a while to get some things straight." I've been down this road before, that won't work. I explained to her how it wouldn't work and if we are breaking up, it needs to be a clean "break". I told her she needs to make sure this is exactly what she wanted because when I break up with someone, I want to make 100% sure it is the right thing. I want to be able to look back with no regrets and know we did everything we could. I then said if this is what she wants, then it's over...there is no playing this game of going "back and forth" because I will only give her the chance to hurt me once. She said she felt we are better off as friends. I told her I needed to go. I then immediately went to Facebook and changed my relationship status, then unfriended her. I just think the healing process will be better if we weren't friends on FB.

 

Later in the day, I texted her and told her I said some things earlier I probably shouldn't. I then told her I respect her decision and there are no hard feelings. I told her she was right, and if God wants us back together, He will make that happen. And that's where I left it. I acted calm, cool, and collected after I had time to calm down.

 

Now for the reality, I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I love her and miss her. We were supposed to spend Christmas together but she said she didn't feel "right" going through Christmas and making me think things are ok. I'm just torn right now and realize the major hurt hasn't even begun.

 

Part of me wants her back, is in love with her, and is thinking "Just be cool. Use NC, she will miss you, and she will be back." Another part says "No, stick to your guns. You told her if she ended it that would be it. Don't take her back under any circumstances. Move on to someone new after you get over this." So I'm just confused.

 

I think my best option is do nothing. I think if we are meant to be together, let God handle it and we will get back together. If not, then there is someone else out there.

 

That still doesn't make it any easier. Any thoughts? Suggestions?

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Thank you. I'm trying to look at this as a positive. Today is my first day without her, but I'm looking at today as the first day of a new beginning. I didn't sleep well last night and I feel like my Christmas is already ruined, but I'm going to try and make the best of it. Something tells me she will start to miss me and will probably try to come back, I've just got a feeling about that. The question at that point is, how do I handle it? At this point, I can say that I would not take her back. But sometimes things change but I will say this....if I did take her back (and that's a big "if") she would have to really convince me this wouldn't happen again. I don't think that's possible, it would take a miracle to earn my trust again. I'm one of these people who once you break my trust and hurt me, it's not easy to earn that back no matter how much I love her. I'm not saying getting back together is totally impossible, but highly unlikely at it would be extremely diffcult to convince me.

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I have only gotten 2 hours of sleep in the past 24 hours. It's starting to hit me now and hit me hard. Not sure if I can handle this. I just want to drive over, see her, talk to her, be in her arms. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but I am.

 

God let this pain stop. This is unbearable!

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I'm so sorry you're going through this. And right before the holidays.... doesn't make it any easier.

 

For now it's probably best to resist the urge to contact her. It sounds like she was trying to get herself a "break" where she could still have you close in case she changed her mind..... it's better to let her get a taste of what life is REALLY like without you in it.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

 

Keep posting -- and keep reading through the other posts here, there's lots of wisdom and advice!

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That's almost verbatim my story. I have an LDR (3.5yrs), being told she is ready to let go, me offering to move, her saying she's already let go, me saying no to being friends, and walking away.

 

Im thinking my ex will eventually contact me (we had some pretty amazing times - a lot of disagreements too), but the longer time goes, the less I think that is likely. The fact is and Sharky makes the same point over and over again, is that if she wants you, she will come back, no matter what you do or dont do. Well actually if you chase, you will likely push her away.

 

Stay NC, she dumped you and you begging for her back comes from a place a weakness (so unattractive), as she has the power now. Reclaim it by walking away. Do yourself a favour and realize you are doing the best thing for yourself, and IF possible, any chance of reconciliation by disappearing from her life.

 

Think of those girls who you're not really not interested in. When they repeatedly come back for more rejection, you start to get repulsed by them. If you break NC anytime soon, you will be one of those repulsive guys to your ex.

 

Back away, it's sad, but only thing you can do atm.

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Sharky wrote this on another thread, which I liked

 

QT

There's ultimately NOTHING you can do... or say..... no way to play it.... that's going to "get your ex back."

 

Your ex comes back if she wants to -- period.

 

....the best course of action immediately after a breakup is to go No Contact so all parties involved can heal, can recover from the shock of the breakup, can prevent themselves from getting hurt even more, and can have some space and time to themselves to *possibly* reconsider the decision."

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I have only gotten 2 hours of sleep in the past 24 hours. It's starting to hit me now and hit me hard. Not sure if I can handle this. I just want to drive over, see her, talk to her, be in her arms. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but I am.

 

God let this pain stop. This is unbearable!

 

It won't help completely, but here are some things to do which will at least keep you busy (and hopefully let you sleep better!)

1) Sanitize. Delete that special ringtone, put all phone/tablet/computer pics on a flash drive and put it away or give it to a friend. Get any pics in your room or home down - replace with posters or the pics you had before her.

2) Change. Rearrange furniture, put sheets/towels/curtains up that don't have those reminders. If you own your place or rental allows it, get a gallon or two of paint and get cracking on your bedroom. Make it look as different as possible - reflecting just your tastes.

3) Exercise. Even if you don't want to - when the worst of those feelings start coming in like a wave, get up. Go for a walk, get on a bike, do pushups. Push through it physically and it does give a little help mentally and emotionally.

4) Self-care. Eat well, even moreso if you don't feel like eating. Take your vitamins. Give yourself at least one small indulgence a day - a shower massage, a special drink/food, 30 minutes to read that book you just haven't found time for.

5) Goals. Set small and easily achievable goals every day. It can be anything - just something that you know you can accomplish, but might not without having that goal. Something as simple as "I will walk instead of drive to the store." "I will call at least one friend to ask how something in their life is doing." Doesn't seem like much - but - it gives you a boost and sense that you DID something.

6) Give yourself a break. Don't expect yourself to be perfect. If you need to cry, cry and get it out. Grief is NORMAL. Acknowledge it. Be proactive about supporting yourself, but acknowledge that you do have these feelings, and they deserve expression.

 

And keep in mind, things that are easy to let slide - sleep, nutrition, exercise - falling down on them throws down the red carpet for depression. And THAT is something you just don't need. So take care of yourself, make a plan to work through things, and reward yourself for those baby steps. I promise, they add up to major progress.

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Sharky, thank you for the articles. I have found them very helpful. Doi, I hear you. Mes, thank you for the tips. This is really rough and like I said, I want to call her, text her, or just jump in the car and go see her. But I'm not going to do that. I have a close female friend I was talking to earlier, and she said "No don't go doing anything like that. You need to maintain NC and if you feel like calling her or texting her, call me instead. You can vent all you like to me." So that's what I've done. I'm also close with my sister and I've been talking to her. I told her I have only had about 2 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours and she told me to take some melitonin to help me sleep tonight, she's worried about me. I'm also diabetic and I've felt dizzy a good part of the day.

 

It's just hard because I feel so helpless, like I can't do anything. Like many people do, I have been "evaluating" the relationship and I did notice something.....I hadn't been letting myself get as close to her as I should have for this very reason. I was trying to protect my heart from getting broken, and that comes from some very painful breakups in my past. I told my sister I had thought about (and again, this was just a "thought", I'm not going to do it) writing her a letter and explaining that. I do feel I could have done more in the relationship, but my sister brought up a good point. She said "Well did Sharon say you were withdrawing and that's the reason she broke up with you?" I said "no", and she said "Well then that wouldn't do any good if that's not the issue." It's just my mind is running wild right now, thinking about what to do, what not to do, what is she thinking, is she missing me, etc. My sister said "I think she is missing you. She's not a mean-spirited person and you guys were together almost 2 years, of course she has to be missing you even thought she broke up with you." I don't quite understand that one because I have broken up with women in the past and not missed them, I was satisfied with my decision. My sister said not to keep "hoping" she will contact me, just go on about my life and she will probably contact me when I least expect it (which is probably true). I still have a feeling she will, but something tells me it will be after the holidays when things calm down with family, etc.

 

So anyway, I would love for us to work things out because I love this woman with all my heart, probably more than she even knows. But at the same time, I am maintaining NC. I've prayed to God and if it's meant to be, I prayed for Him to move on her heart and get her to contact me. It's in her court now. In the meantime, I'm just going to keep maintaining NC and look forward to seeing my family at Christmas.

 

It just hurts soooo bad. I don't feel like I can take this sometimes.

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Yeah you have a point, and that may be true. I do realize it is realistically possible there is someone new out there for me. At the same time, I want Sharon and right now I feel like she is the only one I want. I realize maybe 6 months from now I may look at this thread and think "What was I thinking?", but at this point in time that's how I feel. I'm just in the mindframe of "I want her back, but at the same time I am leaving it in God's hands. If it's meant to be with her, she will come back. If it's meant to be with someone else, God will bring that person into my life."

 

It still doesn't make the breakup any easier though.

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Well newlysingle. I hear you, I think all of us here think we could have been better. I too miss my ex and feel super alone. But everyone here I'm sure realizes there were signs before the breakup. So as nice as it would be for our exes to come back into our lives maybe the fact that they aren't is a good thing. I don't believe much in God, but if he does exist, I learned that he gave us free will. Neither God nor you can will someone back into your arms. But the great thing is you have the power to make your life as good as you choose it to be. It may not happen overnight but 1 year can make a huge difference.

 

In the dating section there is someone called nd40. He's just incredible, he's made his life much more complete than ever before. If you were able to snag a great girl like your ex. Imagine what kind of love and happiness you can find if you work on you and making you the best you can be as opposed to hoping for you ex to bring you happiness.

 

 

Sharky and mhowe are strong reality checks and thankfully. You gotta love your life for you. There is nothing you can do to get her back at this stage. Your sis is right, and she may one day contact you again but don't sit there waiting. Life is short and precious, don't waste any time for someone who may or may not have a different path than you. We all want that special somebody and some find it earlier than others, that said we all have the capacity to live happy fulfilling lives, and that's what you need to focus on. Build a solid foundation and the rest will eventually fall into place. Step by step, Rome wasn't built in a day, and fortunately you have the chance to do it all over again. Rediscover your power and enjoy yourself. It will all be OK as long as you make strides towards that direction. Don't stew in self doubt that's a ticket to nowhere fast.

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Well I did something today I should not have done.....I texted her. I know I shouldn't have and I'm not going to do it again. But here's what I said to her (and this felt like the right thing at the time). I texted her and told her I had a lot of time to think about things, and I told her she was right about being friends. I then asked her to think about what things were like before we became a couple. We used to go to dinner, go out, and it was a lot of fun. I then said "What I was thinking is this. If you agree, maybe after the holidays we can go out as friends like we used to, no strings attached, and we can see where things go." Her response was (and to me, this sounds like a blowoff or just her way of trying to spare my feelings). She said "Maybe at some point, but not right away. I need some time. I'm not totally against it, I just need time to regroup and be me." So I told her I understood and I see where she was coming from. It was just an idea. She sent me a smiley face and said thank you for understanding.

 

I've been talking to my close female friend and she said disagrees with what I said. She doesn't think that was a blowoff, but I think Sharon was pretty clear. I realize I should not have sent that email but at the same time I do feel like I may have gotten some closure.

 

So I think it's time to delete her number and move on. I'm certainly not going to wait around for her. Thank you for letting me rant and I realize I shouldn't have done this.

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I'm puzzled as to why you would send that message? You are not ready to be friends and rushing to hang out with an ex is just going to make you miserable.

 

Whatever the reason for her response, I think it's for the best that she's keeping some distance from you. It's best for you not to see her too soon before you have healed from the relationship.

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Ms. Darcy, I am honsestly asking the same question....why did I send the text message to begin with? I wish I hadn't. I know it wasn't the right thing to do and now I'm thinking the same words to the Dirks Bentley song "What was I thinking?"

 

I know you are right. Maybe I shouldn't have entertained that idea, but I was also thinking about what she said on Thursday when she said "I think we should be friends and see where things go." Maybe I thought she meant she wanted to try doing things together like we used to before we became a couple.

 

Stupid move I know. Still though, I'm sitting here trying to analyze things and wondering "Did she really mean "maybe at some point" or was she really just blowing me off?" I took it as blowing me off. I think I messed up big time.

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I know, that's what my female friend said. She said at this point I need to accept it's over and treat it as this is forever. Go no contact, work on healing and making myself better for the next person.

 

If, by chance, the ex calls or texts, deal with it at that point, but at this point it's time to move on. I know in my heart it's the right thing to do and I should just let her go, but in a way I can't help but hold on to a little hope. But then again the text message should clarify that.

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  • 11 months later...

Well here we are at exactly a year later. I spent the last few minutes reading through my original post from a year ago and the responses, and I can say a year really does make a difference. So how am I doing now? Well I've posted updates on the "Getting Back Together" board, but I will give you a short summary here.

 

I'm happy to say Sharon and I did get back together and our relationship is much stronger now than it ever was. In fact we are discussing marriage. The breakup really gave me a chance to reflect on how I contributed to the breakup, so I decided to write Sharon a letter and explain that to her. I realized I had been pushing her away and she said she had done the same. We met for dinner one night last January (about a month after the breakup) and we have been together every weekend ever since. Last week as the year anniversary of our breakup approached, she told me she loved me and this year has definitely been a better year.

 

We've also discussed the letter I wrote. She looked at me one night, smiled, and said "I'm so glad you told me how you really feel and that we are back together." We also went to a counselor who helped us both let go of the fear we had (the main problem was we were both pulling away from each other because we were scared to get close to each other. My friends, let me tell you, I have never felt more close to her in all my life. A year ago I kept having a feeling writing the letter was the "right" thing (despite others telling me not to). Looking back, it was the right decision. I think if I hadn't written it, I would be sitting here thinking "what if I had only written it?" At the time I thought "Okay, we may not get back together, but she is going to know how I feel and that will make me feel better either way."

 

So today, a year after we broke up, we are getting ready to spend Christmas together and yes, I am planning on proposing soon. One if the reasons I haven't proposed was I decided if we did get back together, I wanted to have at least a year of a solid relationship. She's even hinted about marriage too. I'm definitely a lot happier now than I was this time a year ago. Just looking back at the earlier threads. I was an emotional wreck a year ago.

 

Merry Christmas to you all. I hope each and every one of you can find happiness and joy no matter what your situation may be.

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Hey everyone:

 

She said "Couldn't we try being friends and see where things go? I think I need to be single for a while to get some things straight." I've been down this road before, that won't work.

 

You're correct. Not only doesn't it work, it's very selfish. I'm afraid it's best to accept it's over and move on. Don't let her try to manipulate you into a relationship that is convenient for her, and frustrating for you.

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Thank you for the comment Sportster, but my original post was from this time last year. We actually did get back together after only a few weeks broken up and our relationship is so much stronger and things are wonderful now. (I wasn't sure if it would ever work out or not), but long story short, we got back together, realized we both made mistakes, and we're a much happier couple because of it. A year ago today we had broken up, a year later, we are on the verge of getting engaged. The pendulum can swing in the other direction (depending on the circumstances.) I added an update a couple posts up which is why this post got bumped back up to the top because I wanted to provide a positive update.

 

Merry Christmas!

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