Nowhere to go in life

[cryingalways]

It's been about 70 days since we spoke/broke up now.

 

It still hurts like nothing has ever hurt in my life.

 

I've just accepted a room to live in and a new job and I am not excited. I am confused about what is going on. I don't want this job or this house. I want my ex back-even though I know he treated me really badly. It felt like he was more important to me than even my own family when we were together. My future was him. Whenever I was feeling down I would call him or go to his place. Now it's just me lost in the world getting some job and room I couldn't care less about.

 

I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends. I go see my counselor, I do this job and I live in this place alone and with my life going nowhere I want it to (I am an actor who can't catch a break). It is heavily depressing.

 

I feel like I'm trapped in depression. There's noway out. He always felt like my way out. He would reassure he I would be fine, cheer me up. Then he started emotionally abusing me more and more until just dumping me to hurt me. I know I shouldn't care and be happy I don't get critisised anymore but he really is all I want all the time.

 

I feel like I have nowhere to go in life. I feel scared and want to just end it all. All the hurt and self loathing.

 

I thought I was in love and we would be together forever. Now this is my reality. Really what is the point now. Life just hates me or I'm just **** at life. I can't take anymore of my failures. That's all it's ever been. Of course I would be in love with an abusive man. That's my reality. He doesn't even care about me now. I don't care either

[pl3asehelp]

Sounds like you really need to be single and do semtherapy to understand why you need another person to be your whole world like this. It's too much to expect of anyone so it will be a problem in your future relationships until you address it.

[No1]

What is it you want then? One day you want him back, the next you don't. Tell you what, Ill be the one person that tells you to call him, go to him and be miserable. He is your savior and your saint. He will make your life happy by making you miserable.

 

And don't say there is no way out. You are the only person in this world that is limiting your happiness. Are you keeping yourself miserable on purpose because you are afraid your X will find out? You say your X is also depressed, so are you trying to maintain a level below his just so you don't pass him up on the happiness level? You know some kids who are born to mentally slow parents are afraid to show they are smarter than their parents for fear of hurting them? Are you doing the same but with your happiness?

The way out is simple, decide to be happy and do things you need to do to make things happy. Yes its that simple. Problem is you want him then the next you don't.

 

You think you are the only person on earth suffering. Look at you, you are not in a hospital fighting for your life, you are not living out on the streets, you are not starving, you are not disfigured. You are healthy, you have a home, you have a mind and your only complaint is this one man? Eliminate this man and youll be happy.

 

Decide, you want to be with your X or happy without him

 

 

And being an actor or actress takes thick skin.

[cryingalways]

I'd not let someone become my whole world like this before. It was just with him. I thought it was because he loved me he wanted us to be like that. Or because he was very insecure. Who knows but it's right I shouldn't have let him become it-although he most likely had threatened to end it with me before if I wasn't "into" him enough. So that played on my abandonment issues and make me think maybe I'm not loving enough so I tried and tried. I'm in therapy and have no plans to date. I think being single will be good for me. Difficult but necessary.

[cryingalways]

Hi No1. I like the pun on your name.

 

Maybe there's some truth to me being depressed because of him being depressed. I'm not sure though. He doesn't have a clue that I am sad. But maybe it's some weird emotional connection thing I'm subconsciously doing. He did make me feel a bit guilty about being happy about things he had no input in making me happy from. I have no idea why he did that but he did. Everything seemed to be connected to jealousy and insecurity with him.

 

I know people are suffering. But while my brother was passing I used to pray that he could live, I would bargain that everything I want in life be taken away for him to live. Then he went and I remember someone saying to me stupidly "does it make you wonder if you'll get ill?" that really was never on my mind. Having someone you love pass away is so horrible, you would rather it was you. Because you feel so helpless.

 

I think my depression is pretty valid after having both these events happen in my life. But yes, I do try to remind myself I am alive and that's a great gift, many people wish they could be alive now. It's just hard to see the good in life for me at the moment. A 23 year old boy has cancer from the age of 16 and is gone and then a man who I think loves me starts to abuse me then leaves me. They're pretty harsh things to happen.

 

You are right about deciding. I will try and enforce this thought on myself.

[No1]

You were not the first person to be heartbroken and you wont be the last. You were also not a pioneer when it comes to getting hurt by people you let in either. Ive had had my heartbreaks and others have too. They were each devastating to us in our own way, but we overcame it, we stood up and we mended our heart. Are we remarkable people?

You were dumped! Okay, you have to say that. You cant worry about why or try to rethink on how he is thinking. You will never get an answer from him that satisfies your curiosity. If he told you the truth, you wont accept it, if he lies then youll ask for more.

 

Quit reliving the drama on what he said, what he promised, he did this because he felt this yadda yadda yadda.. No matter what path you take it leads to the same conclusion, you were dumped. You have to put on your big girl pants on and stand up. You have been doing laps in your pity pool party for too long. You are the only one restricting your happiness. Im not doing it, no one on this forum is, your parents are not, or your friends and not even your X. No one is limiting to how happy you can be but you. Get rid of that self imposed guilt you have and start living happily.

[Kay Bee]

Hi Crying -

 

I understand how you are feeling, I'm in a similar situation, I thought I met the love of my life and even imagined a future with him, but as we grew closer and spent more time together, the "amazing, incredible person" I was to him soon started to change. He started to get angry at my for the littlest things, I first, figured it was because he loved me so much and was "sensitive" The it started to become more and more, I was always wrong, I was always fighting him, I was unable to apologize, he did no wrong, it was always me. I don't know why, but the more it happened, the less I wanted to let him go, I just wanted to make him happy, maybe I could get the man who was so sweet back and maybe it was my fault. If i had only listened more, or payed attention to things he wanted. Sadly, I couldn't take it and I moved out, so I was the one who ended it, but I was so drawn back and tried and apologized and took all the blame, for what, so that he could say "see I was right, you treat me so bad" when he's the one who was always putting me down and telling me I wasnt good enough. This back and forth went on for 3 months and now he has finally said "he wants nothing more to do with me" talk about a kick to the stomach. I can totally understand how you feel like, how can I go on, I am feeling the same way, its been a few weeks and I have bad days & nights, but despite remembering all the good, we do have to try and recall the bad, the tears and how they made us feel "not good enough" - the person we want to be with will lift us up, not try and put us down

 

If you need support, trust me, I understand!

[cryingalways]

I think mine had red flags from day one which is really bad that I didn't runaway then. I woke up in a bed at a party and he was next to me hugging me (he is 33 and I barely knew him) and tried to get physical with me and kiss me and I was saying no. But he just seemed so into me and he has not had many girlfriends at all so my idea of him as a player went away. I thought he must just be bad at courting women-which he is-he just kept wanting to touch me.

 

Anyway, your story is very similar to mine. He would always say sorry after being really cruel-or threatening to end the relationship, he did this many times and then would take it back after-and say he was only like this because he loved me so much...

 

I took my stuff in the middle of the night and got a taxi away because I just couldn't take him being so cruel anymore. Then he called the next day promising he would get counseling etc he wanted to work on his problems bla bla. Then all week he was very vulnerable on the phone-he'd just started uni (at 33)-and was very depressed and talking about dropping out-then I asked if I'd have to get a taxi home from his when I saw him again (I'd already said this before and he assured me no, no but I just wanted to make sure again) and he went all cold and angry then he dumped me the next day.

 

I think they should have not expected us to be ok with being treated like this and them dumping us because of it is really bad. They probably want us to be thinking things like we are now "Oh maybe I should have done this...etc" probably because it was the only card they had left to play-dumping us.

 

It really is all about control. They are screwed up. I think both of ours are really pathetic ones too. Sitting in their rooms enjoying not contacting us and being aware of how sad we are. That's really sad for a grown up man to do that to a woman who loves him.

 

I still miss mine. I wake up every morning and think I can't see any future for myself. I like to think mine will come back when I least expect it. Who knows when that will be but I can't sit around waiting. I think in time I will care less and less about him reappearing too. It is just very sad because I honestly thought we would be together forever. I knew he had issues and he needed to sort them out but I thought that's what we were doing then he just does a 180 on me. He is not in the real world AT ALL and I very very much doubt he'll get another girlfriend that will last very long. Then most likely he will think "What's the girl who used to take all ****my doing?" and then I will ignore all of his attempts to contact me. It's the only way

[lerenard]

You don't want to let it go. As long as you refuse to let it go - you will be depressed, stuck in your misery, not feeling happy about a thing in life.

You keep talking and thinking about the same stuff over and over again, like a circle of fire around you, your destructive thoughts about him suffocate you.

 

You feel only a reunion with him will give you some peace. And it will, maybe, till he decides to through you under the bus once again or to punch you, or to scream at you.

To grow in life we need to move from a comforting destructive behaviors to the unknown, and try try and try once again. You don't want to try. You just want him back, your familiar, abusive BF, who has his life now, not giving a sh*t about what is going on with you.

 

I am sorry you are in such pain now. But no matter how much pain he caused you - he is in the past now, and its YOUR life now, but you still chose to make it all about him.

[cryingalways]

I was just telling KatyBee what happened.

 

I'm pretty scared of seeing him actually. Even seeing his flatmate the other day made me start freaking out.

 

I don't know what he's doing. He could be exactly the same as me for all I know. I know he's living his life without me now though. I just don't have a life to live at the moment. Which is why I am so depressed.

 

I don't know that I want a life now. I just don't seem to care about anything.

[lerenard]

I just don't have a life to live at the moment. maybe because you spend it crying about somebody who doesn't deserve a tear from you?

and gosh, how can a guy, who crawls in a random woman's bed at a party in the morning, at 33 years old, trying to get physical with her, be NORMAL? I thinks that is the obvious reason why he never had a lot of GF´s...

[cryingalways]

Lol larlequin. I needed a laugh

 

Yes my "friends" told me he was actually a really nice guy and to give him a chance after that. I had no plans of seeing him again but I trusted my friends so I gave him a chance. I know I can't blame my friends, it was my choice. But they just seem to think strange behavior isn't that bad for some reason. Being hit with a broom, a man getting into bed with a sleeping woman he barely knows...it's like it's just me who thinks these things are weird. I need to trust my instincts a lot more.

 

I'm the only girl he's gone out with other than someone on the internet in ten years. I don't think his courting works very well on women. But still, I'll all jealous and wondering if he's with someone new...it's so stupid. There's a very good chance he won't have a girlfriend again for a long time. Still, hurts to be left by such a desperate pathetic being. Makes you wonder why they don't want you.

 

And yes you are right I should stop my crying about it.

[lerenard]

being hit with a broom every time I see you mention this, I can`t help but laugh) my crazy ex broke my PC with a hammer.... sh*t happens, I guess.

 

you should be over the moon that he left you. he is nobody for you.

[cryingalways]

It hurt! You'd be surprised how hurt you can get from being hit with a broom. A hammer is very dangerous. Was it just lying around or did he bring it with him?!

 

I know I should. I am just used to him and it also hurts to be left by someone like this. I do think he did it because I was starting to stand up for myself-I left his house etc. It's just so confusing all the stuff he said. Everything contradicted everything else. Like he was out of control. I know he'll regret it. Him and his weirdo flatmate both together in their house being crazy together-his flatmate was taking photos of my friend (his ex) without saying hello to her FREAK. I still miss him though. It's crazy

[lerenard]

You know, dear, people can and will say bad thing to you unreasonably in life, it doesn't mean you need to concentrate on there and stop valuing yourself.

I know he'll regret it. no you don't.

[cryingalways]

Ok, well I think he will. I'm way too good for him. That is why I think he will regret it. He will not get someone like me again. I'm pretty individual, very loyal, fun and way better looking than him. I do not think he will get that again. All my friends hate him now so no friends to do the talking up for him anymore. I just have to tell myself I'm too good for him because I am. He's spent so much time putting me down and I think it's because he was jealous. Always hating me getting attention of any form. He might not regret it anytime soon but I believe their is room for regret in loosing someone who was good and good to you.

[lerenard]

Hating him can help a bit to move on, but later on it will make you sick. You need to let him go, meaning letting all the emotions go. Trading love to hate you did nothing. Its still an obsession.

 

Concentrate on your new job now. You have a new place to live too, make it as nice as you want. It is yours, and yours only.

[cryingalways]

Concentrating on making a nice room is something I think I can do. Hurrah!

[Kay Bee]

I think the hardest thing is getting over how we "want" to see them as opposed to "who they really are". I'm struggling with that. I too have a new residence that i will be moving into *hopefully* soon, it's not official til Jan bc its a purchase but I'm going to take the opportunity as I think you should to decorate and make it our own!

[cryingalways]

Mine's not official either. If I don't get it I haven't a clue what I'm going to do. But you know, I've got a million other worries so I just put it on the pile.

 

It's just worth a go in my mind, something to try to try and make me care about living again.

 

I am worried about it a lot really. I don't want anything to make me feel any worse because I feel dangerously low as it is. Taking this risk out of my comfort zone scares me a lot because of that. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm just doing something rather than crying continuously.

 

Mine is not a serial relationship guy. He's been single before for long long periods of time. He has made little y remarks about his two exes though, but nothing bad really just "she liked michael jackson obsessively" and things like that. I thought it was weird to hold these things against his exes, still angry they liked michael jackson....he did a similar thing with me, just finding things to hate. I have no idea what that's all about. He's just crazy and pathetic.

[Kay Bee]

Well - I hear you! Mine wasnt a serial relationship guy either, he was single longer before than I was I was about 5 months out of a relationship, he was over a year. So I hear you on that, mine made remarks too, i think mine was just angry, he didn't know how to feel real happiness and only felt "ok" if he was angry, like he didn't deserve someone who was good to him, I know that sounds crazy, but it kinda makes sense in my mind why he always looked for something wrong with me, as if he was waiting for me to disappoint him bc everyone always did.

 

As for not know where to go, I've been kinda floating for 3 months, seeing him, being alone, living in a tiny sublet. All I'm trying to do is do something each day that makes me happy or makes someone else happy. I think its the most we can do at this moment and hopefully each day just gets that much easier! Just take it day by day

[cryingalways]

Thanks Kay Bee.

 

I think they sabotage yeah.

 

I told him he had ruined our relationship with his anger because he was stressed at the end. His response was "The relationship wasn't good. And I'm still stressed!" Crazy *******. Yeah it wasn't good BECAUSE OF YOUR CRAZINESS. He actually admitted this was true for the whole week leading up to the break up then suddenly, ALL MY FAULT. I'm sure I've said this before many times...I must stop. It's just a mind **** is all.

 

But yes little things is good. I keep being down on myself for not having my whole life sorted or anything. It wasn't sorted before it just felt like I could deal with that because I had him, we could get through stuff together you know. I was helping him so much that week he dumped me, telling him he would be ok at uni, building his confidence up etc etc, helping with so much and then he dumps me. He is crazy.

[Kay Bee]

I know - what they say and the causes will change week to week, day to day. I actually was the one who left & then started to feel like maybe I made a mistake. Recently, he's been the one saying he wants nothing to do with me. Very frustrating!

 

I felt the same way about not having everything sorted out - seems like you were like me, so put together before you got in this relationship, so it feels like someone smashed your whole world. I've def been floating through the weeks, but I'm finally feeling ready to get some structure back and so will you, one day at a time!!

[cryingalways]

I think both our exes are most likely narcissists or something like that. They always devalue and discard you, no matter what. From what I read it's quite likely they will come back one day. And yours sounds like he's playing some stupid game where he's punishing you for leaving him-mine did this too, but I stood up for myself which he also saw as a threat. But it's very likely that they will try and find new prey too. From what I read they always have to have "supply" someone adoring them, giving them attention-and if you're broken up and you still want them back-that's enough supply for them-they don't need to be going out with you-they ENJOY your pain of wanting them back, that's great to them. I defo noticed my ex seemed to be very alive in the moment where he was dumping me and I was upset-I think he was enjoying the control, I really do. They are SUPER PATHETIC.

 

We are most likely too strong for them and they're trying to break us down in whatever way they can-leaving someone can be abusive too. I think they like strong women in a way as it gives them something to break down. But still, even through all the stuff he put me through I still miss him. I'm not going to tell him this though. He does not deserve any attention from me. Neither does yours.

 

I should have walked out the door a long time ago. I had so many times where I wanted to but I also didn't want to leave him. And then he'd be there clinging onto me begging me not to go so I thought we should work it out. I now know I need to listen to that voice that wanted space. I guess I did listen in the end when I left the house in a taxi in the middle of the night. But I should have stayed away and not answered his call. I don't know why I kept forgiving him. I suppose I thought it was progressive him apologising. But it wasn't. It was confusing.

[No1]

From what I read it's quite likely they will come back one day. .

 

 

This is why you are not moving forward.