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Is this part of grieving? Or is he just not interested anymore?


Smalltwngirl

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I have been dating this guy for about 4 months now. Everything was going great. We would do a lot of fun activities together as well as with other coupled friends of ours. It seemed like I finally found the guy that I was supposed to end up with. I even began to think about the future with this guy and how happy I would be to eventually marry him and start a family, although I know that this type of commitment wouldn't come for a while. Within the 4th month of dating, his father passed away from cancer. I was there for him, visiting him when he wanted me to while his father was in the hospital and hospice. I was there for him for anything he needed or wanted.

About a week after his father's passing, he had somewhat of a breakdown. Telling me to just leave him alone and that he didn't need anyone to be there for him. That I had no idea what he was going through because I still have my father. Basically the night ended with him leaving angry. I felt so bad and just downright sad because I wanted to take the pain away that he was feeling. I know everyone handles the grieving process differently, so I tried not to take this episode to heart. He didn't contact me for a whole day, so the following day I contacted him telling him that I was sorry if I angered him in anyway and that I hoped he was doing ok. He responded back to me that saying that the passing of his father was much harder than he ever imagined & and that he was just in a really bad place right now and he likes to deal with tough situations by himself. I told him I'd give him space to deal with things.

About 3 days later he messages me saying that he spent some time with his mother and family and started to feel better. We agreed to see each other that night. We met each other at a concert, I was with friends and he was with friends. We hung out for maybe 10 minutes at the most and he was off with other friends of his. He did not introduce me to anyone and I ended up having to locate him. When I finally went up to him to ask him what was going on, he just gave me a kiss and said he was hanging out with a his future boss (for a new job). I couldn't help but notice that that his new boss and my boyfriend were hanging out with what seemed to be four single women. I bit my tongue and didn't want to jump to conclusions about it. I went about my night with my friends as if it didn't bother me that one, he was hanging out with all these girls and leaving me out of the loop, and two, that he didn't even introduce me to these girls or future boss. It didn't help that I also had my friends pointing out that he was talking to one particular girl for the majority of the night. I felt so abandoned and hurt. I thought he would've wanted to spend more time with me given the fact that I hadn't seen him in a week. I finally couldn't take it anymore and had to approach him about it. I questioned whether he took me seriously or if he just wanted to see other girls aside from me. He was taken aback by all the things I was asking him. He just said "no" looking shocked as ever and walked away from me. I tried to approach him one last time towards the end of the night to ask if he had anything to say to me. He just once again said "no" and walked away from me.

It wasn't until the next day that I received a message from my boyfriend's roommate's girlfriend asking me what happened because my boyfriend seemed down. I told her the whole story and that's where she hit me with it. The girl my boyfriend was talking to is actually married to a friend of his (who I didn't see around that night). Had he introduced me to them, I would've known it was nothing and I would not have questioned him. At this point, I'm feeling so stupid about the situation. I start to replay the events of what occurred the night before and start regretting getting upset with him in the first place. I decided it would be best to give it a couple of days before I attempted to reach out to him so I just give him space and time.

I wrote a long message explaining why I did what I did. I explained the purpose of my message was not regarding apologies or who was right or wrong, but that I just wanted to explain myself on why I approached him the way I did. I went on to explain that this is a classic example of miscommunication and misunderstanding. If I had known who any of those people were, I would by no means become jealous and attention absorbing. That is not the type of person I am. I told him how much I like spending time with him and how much I like him. That this situation is silly and that we should just put it behind us and move forward. We have too much to look forward to, to let something like this cause us to stop speaking to each other.

I realized that by sending him that long novel of a text, it wasn't the right thing because all I was doing was adding extra things for him to think about. So I reached back out to him, sent a short and sweet message basically saying that I can't imagine what he's going through and that I am here when he's ready to talk. He replied back almost immediately with a smiling winky face. I'm guessing he appreciated that I didn't want to add the extra pressure.

 

It's been a few weeks, and I still haven't heard from him. BUT, it is the holiday season and I can't imagine how difficult this time is for him and his family. So I'm still hanging in there. I continue to send him subtle messages here and there of cute funny things. I guess to me it's just to show and remind him that I'm still here for him.

 

I appreciate anyone's advice, thoughts, and recommendations on how to deal with this. I just miss him so much and I'm trying to cope with that without thinking that I'm not worthy or just without thinking negative things, period.His roommate’s girlfriend keeps telling me to hang in there and to give him a little more time. He's going through more tough things in his life with his family aside from the passing of his father. I'm really trying to hang in there and give him his space, but when will I know to move on if he doesn't respond? I have absolutely no desire to move on and meet anyone else. I like him so much and would do anything for him to forget and forgive and us to move on with our lives together. I just can't imagine how a person can shut another person out so suddenly. Especially since things were going so great before. Is he acting like this because he's still mourning? What can I do to get him to respond back to me and let me know if he's still interested? I feel like I am just a sitting duck. Is it possible that he’s just not into me anymore?

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Everyone processes grief differently.

Clearly the holidays will be most difficult for him and his family and on top of that he is changing jobs and trying to move forward in his life.

 

As you can see from the concert night, making your assumptions into facts will serve neither you or the relationship.

 

A four month old relationship is not that long.

 

You need to do what you need to do, as does he. Right now, any added pressure from you will likely shut him down. It was smart of you to rethink the massive letter.

 

I would continue reaching out sporadically checking in in a light hearted manner, and continue on with your own life and activities. When he is ready, he may reach back. No one can tell you if or when this will happen.

 

As one who recently lost a parent...I can affirm that the reaching out will take time.

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Thank you Edmund for your response. I'm definitely not going to be too down on myself and think I'm not worthy. I am a smart established woman. I have a lot to offer someone. Thanks for the reminder.

 

Thank you mhowe for your response and advice. I am very sorry to hear abour your recent loss. I can't imagine losing anyone close to me, let alone a parent. I appreciate your insight on my situation and I'm really trying not to be selfish in this. He means a lot to me to hang on a little longer after the holidays. I just hope I know when it's time to move on if he doesn't reach out.

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I think he wasn't as serious as you were, which is understandable as you'd only been dating 4 months. He wouldn't necessarily be thinking of marriage and family after such a short time, and the crisis of his father dying possibly took over from his feelings towards you and they went by the wayside. Possibly if you'd been an established couple of years standing he would have leaned on you more and not cut you out but I must emphasize that 4 months is such a short time and his feelings don't seem to have survived the crisis. I feel that if he can go weeks without contacting you there is not a lot there, unfortunately. You've been understanding but maybe you should not be as available and ready to hang on waiting 'in limbo'. I would suggest not reaching out any more and not being, in your mind, in a state of waiting. He hasn't actually asked you to wait or given you hope that your waiting will be worthwhile in the end. It's not your worth that's in question, it was the timing, which is nobody's fault.

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I agree that whatever feelings he had didn't survive the tornado of emotions he surely is experiencing. While it's nice for you to keep teaching out, I think you should consider yourself a free agent/single at this point. What poor timing and sad events right before the holidays. Bummer!

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I agree that whatever feelings he had didn't survive the tornado of emotions he surely is experiencing. While it's nice for you to keep teaching out, I think you should consider yourself a free agent/single at this point. What poor timing and sad events right before the holidays. Bummer!

 

I agree. Unfortunate timing, but he wasn't as serious as you were.

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I had this happen to me in july, father sick in hospice and passed away. Long story short we never spoke to date, i tried believing that she was going through a rough time but in the end i know now that people will look for support in a difficult time and i wasnt the one. In my case she went back with an EX for a short time and after she met a new guy. What i believed we had she didnt so i look at myself as a "crutch". I went into no contact and gave space but she never tried to contact me. Sux but in the end im better off, im sorry the girl i was with lost her dad but what a fake and phoney she was.

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