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Does anyone else struggle with this? What to do?


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Hi guys, I'm in a major funk I just cannot seem to escape. For a few years now I feel like I have just lost myself. I have no idea who I am, what I like, etc. I used to be so determined and knew what I liked, disliked, had strong values, respected myself. I don't know what happened to me. I feel as though I have nothing to offer anyone, besides the fact that I am caring, I am highly critical of myself and I realize that it is destructive but I can't help it. I am also extremely sensitive to what others perceive me as, if I feel I am being judged or someone is not pleased with me I shut down completely. I don't know where to go from here, I feel stuck. I am in university, but have no motivation though I manage to keep up decent grades. I have a really close group of friends who I love and they are very supportive but I dislike sharing my feelings with others for fear of looking weak. I hate emotions and I hate that I am unable to completely control them. I don't want to be like this anymore, I have missed out on so many things due to my insecurities and lack of drive and it is just pulling me down continuously, I feel as though I am in a constant battle against myself. I do not sulk in my own pity, but rather I get angry at myself for not being able to fix myself. Has anyone struggled with similar things before? What did you do to get out of it? Any help would be greatly appreciated. I am 20 by the way.

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I have been struggling with something similar. Therapy has helped me understand why I feel this way. For me, it has to do with unresolved hurt from childhood and the way I was brought up. Hopefully, therapy/understanding will help resolve it in time but so far it has been an ongoing process/battle so I don't have a definite answer for you. I think the sooner you understand why you feel this way and what triggers it, the better. You are not alone. Lots of people struggle with similar issues. Good luck!

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I understand what you are saying brother. I went through what you are describing for 15 years. It was trully confusing and depressing for 15 years. I dont know if you want to hear this or not. I just want to share my story with you.

 

You see Mackenzie, I grew up in california on a large ranch in a beautiful village in the sierra neveda mountains. My dad left when I was 3. My mom was there for me and my siblings as a mother should be. Had a great childhood until I was 13. At the age of 13 I found a book in my school library that turned my world into something I had never imagined as a child.

This book was extremely old and the librarian said it was not supposed to be in the library and I could keep it. I did. I read it over and over again. Some of you may have actually heard of it, The Grimoire Of Honorius. This book had no place in a elementary school library. However I was extremely interested in it after I started reading it. Over the years I learned very much about black magic. I performed rituals and other activities all the time. I turned into a very evil child by the time I was 16. I remember at my High School when I was 16 we had college day. There were several hundred students sitting in the theatre room listening to a speaker from a university. She was asking students what the had desire to become professionally when they were adults and out on their own. She picked me out and my hand was not even raised. When she asked me what I desired, You could hear many students as they made little ooooooo's. I replied to the lady that I wanted to be the Anti Christ and kick start world war 3. She actually laughed as she thought it was a joke. She stopped laughing when she noticed NOBODY else was laughing. The knew me!

So, anywys I lived this life into my mid twenties. I was what every parent did not want their child to grow up to be.

 

I had a great friend trick me into going to his church one night during a revival. He asked me to go and I laughed. He then told me of a naughty girl who wanted to meet me and she and her family went there. I WAS THERE. Graet trick he pulled on me, What happened to me in that church confused me so much. Feeling of litterally suffocating. I ran out of the church and was just fine(so I thought). A month and a half later I hade walked up to the pastor during a service for prayer and They did not expect what happened. You see when I was 17 I performed rituals and invited demonic spirits to manifest in me. At that church I found out that a bunch of them had. At the end of it, I was weak! Couldnt sit up without falling over, but had a feeling I had not before felt. PEACE.

 

For the next fifteen years I felt so guilty for all I had done in the past. all of a sudden I did not belong . I am not going to tell you I became a righteous christian and was sweet to everyone, that would be a LIE. I didnt allow evil as a ritual in my life anymore though. I just felt confused as to what had any meaning in my life. I had nothing to offer anyone in a positive way. I could'nt tell you what I wanted because I had no idea. It got so bad that I had cut my throat once and hanged myself twice. I lost so much blood when I cut my throat that when my friend found me in my house he thought I was dead for sure. When I woke the doctor said he had no idea why I was alive. I should have died after losing that much blood and being alone as long as i was.

To sum it up, I started to realise that I must be here for a reason! I know who pulled me out of the dark and evil past i had lived in and he must be the reason why I lived through the suicide attempts. I decided to talk to him. I remember driving to a remote location so I could see nobody at all. I was inthe mountains. I got on my knees and leaned over. I sai God If you are the one whao has saved me from myself and have a reason for it, Please let me know. I am so lost! All I want is to die. I stayed there praying for about an hour. Nothing seemed to happen.

On my way home I ran into a friends brother. He started telling me about a 13 year old girl that was messing with something evil. He thought it may be satanism. Hier family asked him to find me and ask if I would help by talkiing to her. I was amazed that this is happening right after I prayed to God for a sign of what he wants from me. I am happy to say that the teen girl is doing well. Weather you believe in god or not is your choice. I just know that the evidence that he has changed my life is overwhelming! Sometimes we need to ask the only true power that can help us. It may not be what we expect but it works. Hope you dont mind me sharing with you but I will pray for you!

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