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Controlling relationships?


phineus

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I just want to get peoples opinions on this.. Mostly for a piece of mind, or maybe to shake my head a little for me to help me see things a different way perhaps.

 

My Fiance and I have been together for a while, its just over a year and we're recently engaged. She has a child of 7, and a close group of about 4 female friends and 1 male. Her family is somewhat close but alas, her mother is quite an issue. Pretty possessive about her child, suggesting she's a bad mother, etc. But that's not the issue I want to discuss, that could be another topic in its own...

 

She has a friend she rarely sees. She lives a quite a while away and it's just not easy to see each other. They talk ALL day tho, texting, several phone calls while at work, etc. So needless to say, she knows quite a bit about our lives, by general communication.

 

Today, my girls mom asks if we're coming for dinner. Invites us. This never happens. So she said, most likely yes, she just needs to ask me if we have any plans, but she would let her know if we're unable to. which is fine. her mother was alright with this. Her friend however says 'you need to ask him permission for you's to go to your mothers for dinner?'...

 

no. she doesn't need permission.

 

I personally was under the impression that mutual decisions are part of a mature relationship. Not making plans involving the other person without discussing it with that person before hand. Makes sense right?

 

WRONG.

 

Apparently this makes me controlling?

 

In the past, in past relationships ive had issues with women going to bars.. we'd go, things would go south, and lots of arguments and fighting comes from it. In my opinion, I believe that bars might just be meant for single people. My girl enjoyed going to the bar in the past, as well as occasionally smoking weed, and she smoked as well. She quit smoking all together (her idea not mine) and her friends have yet to plan another bar night.. so there really hasn't been any opportunity for me to say she couldn't go and be controlling, however her friend seems to think that is why she doesn't go with her friends to the bar anymore. My girl understands, she doesn't give a about the bar, she cares about me and realizes that if its something that im uncomfortable with, then there is no point in going. Once in a while, sure, go dance, have fun; maybe i'll go for beers with a couple friends and we can meet up afterwards.

 

Her friends all have different interests than her, one main interest... drinking and getting stoned. She's just grown out of it and thinks that maybe she has grown out of her friends. Maturity happens at different ages and sometimes you can get in the habit of being certain ways but at some point most people grow out of the 'party' phase.

 

Apparently, my dislike for the bar makes me controlling... and the fact she doesn't REALLY hang out with her friends often anymore makes me controlling. I suggest that we do dinner, her friends and their other halves, their kids, etc. They're a close group for the most part but this separation has been more so in the last 8-9 months which means apparently i'm the fall guy for it. My girl suggests im not, and to her she doesn't care what her friends say, she's happy, im happy, we're good.

 

But does this really make me controlling? I don't really hang out with friends much.. I work, and have other interests, and aside from what we do as a group (myself and our now mutual friends for the most part) do, I don't really do too much. Weekends are kid time, most nights we don't have time for much other than dinner and errands..

 

I talk about how I feel, so does she, i was under the impression this is more or less how a mature adult relationship is... Am i wrong?

 

Anyhow... some insight would be great.

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Controlling to whom?

 

 

 

I think you're too tied up in trying to control what her friends are thinking. Who gives a rat's behind what they think? Let them think whatever they want because they're going to do that anyway.

 

Your girlfriend is no longer interested in drinking and smoking weed; she's grown out of that. Her friends are still trapped in adolescent stupidity and they're mad their little playmate has got something else to do and wont' go party with them. As long as it's not your girlfriend lobbing accusations of being controlling at you, hoist the bird up the mast and keep it moving.

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Controlling to her. Her friends apparently see it as me not allowing her to do things without me or my consent?

 

She can do whatever she wants. we discuss things and talk. I thought thats what a relationship was about? She makes plans for dinner, run it past me, same as id do if i got an invite for us to go to dinner or a friends house or whatever the case may be. It's not me not 'allowing' her to do things, its discussing things like adults. Or atleast thats how i see it.

 

Her friends have yet to plan a 'bar night' so its not like i have said she can't go, etc. its been 8-10 months since the last time they went, i didnt care back then, i don't REALLY care now, but i wouldn't mind going and having some fun too if thats the case. just because in the past, the exes were doesn't mean she is, i dont think that. i trust her, i trust us. I wouldn't have proposed if i didnt.

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They're just her really close friends... I don't want things to get rocky because they decided to poke into my face.. You know?

 

They're all in ty relationships. One doesn't work and lives off social assistance, the other is 15 years older and a stoner who doesn't do all day long, and when he works he slacks like crazy anyhow, and the other has a older boyfriend that treats her like garbage and lies to her daily..

 

see, i can judge too. But normally i keep my mouth shut and don't express what i think of them.. It's called respect to my fiance for doing so... lol she can form opinions on her own, she doesn't need me doing it for her.

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With the lunch invite, discussing it with you when you were both invited and she's not sure if you've already got other plans is common sense. She's not asking you for permission! If she had been invited alone, you had no plans together and she'd had to ask you for permission otherwise you'd have blown up at her - THAT would have been controlling.

 

Sometimes people distance themselves from their friends and use a partner as an excuse, so as not to cause offence to their friends. An ex of mine used to play music for a folk dance side. He had a few issues with other members in the group, and stopped going to their rehearsals and performances. He never mentioned anything to me about it, other than to say he was fed up with all the group 'politics', but apparently either he'd told them or someone had come to the conclusion that I'd been preventing him from going; I didn't know anything about it until after we'd split up - but I was spitting feathers when I found out, from someone else!

 

For yourself, it IS important to maintain other friendships outside the relationship, otherwise unhealthy dependency on your partner will develop.

 

In general terms, though, if someone tells you 'You're controlling/insensitive/rigid/selfish/whatever', what they're actually saying is 'You're not doing what I want you to do', and my guess is that the friends are peeved that your girl is no longer hanging out in bars.

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They always do this 'christmas' thing.. together. sometimes the men come, the kids and girls always go, etc. So this year i suggested that i make some dinner, we can hang out at our place, have a couple drinks and have a good time...

 

initially she said no, didn't want a 'party' or whatever. i suggested it was just a tame dinner, hanging out, exchanging gifts, etc. still said no. but then they started talking amongst them about what to do.. and then it was suggested to hang out and have some dinner. so then my idea is back on the table. they're coming here tomorrow, im making some food, bought some booze.. they're all broke (smoking habits lol)... i make a good deal of money and we can afford to put some food out for some fun. come hang out. w/e.

 

but one clearly doesn't want to come here. it frustrates her that im so hands on with everything, and treat my lady nice and good with her kid, etc. and that her boyfriend / baby daddy isn't up for anything, ever. They live in a 1 bedroom with their kid who is 3 and sleep in the same room... she's upset that her friend is now further in life perhaps? cause in the past she was the one that had her together... now its changed. but regardless now she just naturally hates me and tries everything she can to get me uninvolved in anything we're doing ever.

 

i happen to think im a good guy. i help out, i do what i can, and take care of her and her kid quite well in my opinion.. why would someone want to ruin that?

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Her "friends" seem like they should be weeded from the garden of friendship --- a welfare recipient and a stoner as bf's?

 

And because your gf chose to mature, they are calling YOU controlling. The only opinion that should be of concern to you is ...you gf's.

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No, you are not controlling and sounds like you two have a good and healthy relationship. I really don't quite understand what you are so wound up about?

 

Your SO doesn't see you as controlling and she is choosing to ask you if you are available or if you have other plans - a mature and respectful thing to do when in a relationship. Kind of how things work - you can't just think about yourself when you are in a relationship, you have another person to consider. Sounds like she is outgrowing her friends by quite a few miles as well. One of two things will happen with them - either they'll catch up or they'll drift apart and she'll find new, more compatible friends. Either way, not really your problem or your business what they think or want to do. Your only problem is what your SO thinks and wants to do and sounds like she is in a good place and has her head screwed on straight. So don't start making issues where there are none.

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From the following posts you made, it doesn't sound like your girlfriend would even go to a 'bar night' with these reprobates.

 

You're right--relationships are about open and honest communication and it's a really good thing that you are ammenable to discussing plans with her and not taking each others' time for granted.

 

I highly doubt if you're controlling to her--I'm sure she would have told you by now if you were and your post would be about her saying this to you, not her friends saying this to you through her.

 

Like I said, hoist that bird up the mast at them.

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They're just her really close friends... I don't want things to get rocky because they decided to poke into my face.. You know?

 

They're all in ty relationships. One doesn't work and lives off social assistance, the other is 15 years older and a stoner who doesn't do all day long, and when he works he slacks like crazy anyhow, and the other has a older boyfriend that treats her like garbage and lies to her daily..

 

see, i can judge too. But normally i keep my mouth shut and don't express what i think of them.. It's called respect to my fiance for doing so... lol she can form opinions on her own, she doesn't need me doing it for her.

 

I suggest that you ask your girlfriend to not discuss matters of your relationship with them since they're a little coven of mischief waiting to fly low on you. Whatever agreements you have with one another is between you two and is none of her friends' business. She's past the age of having to run your relationship decision past their committee.

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When her friends do plan a "bar night", are you going to be cool with her going?

 

You're right--relationships are about open and honest communication and it's a really good thing that you are ammenable to discussing plans with her and not taking each others' time for granted.

 

I highly doubt if you're controlling to her--I'm sure she would have told you by now if you were and your post would be about her saying this to you, not her friends saying this to you through her.

 

Like I said, hoist that bird up the mast at them.

 

 

I'm not sure how i'd feel... it hasn't happened yet.. it did in the very beginning and it was fine. I just personally don't care for the bar at all.. makes me sorta sick thinking about it. I would go if invited.. and i mean, if im invited obviously she doesn't plan on doing anything that i should be concerned about or whatever i suppose.

 

I don't need to go. She can go by herself if she'd like. She likes to dance. I'd be upset if it was frequent but by the looks of it, its not. Once or twice a year maybe.. She's honest with me, if anything happened I would know, and if she didn't tell me, her ty friends would in hopes to ruin our relationship lol

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Thank you for your input.

 

Glad to hear im not a douche. lol

 

I think I'm just getting tired of her friends... thats all. They seem like they feel they should get an input or something

 

It's past time that your girlfriend put them in check, especially if she's outgrown them as she has. If she doesn't, they are going to keep on until they have destroyed your relationship.

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You're fine, stop worrying about the woman thinks of you. She sees her friend's behavior changing, feels upset and/or jealous about you and has decided to try and throw mud at the target that she thinks caused the change. (It didn't) Just duck, let the mud spatter back on her, and keep doing what you're doing. Be nice to all, your gf knows the truth and will soon tire of the needless rants against you.

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You are not being controlling. Your girlfriend has obviously changed a bit since meeting you and her friends don't like it and have nobody else to blame so they blame you. You aren't required to like going to the bar. As long as you don't attempt to prevent her from going should she choose to, then you are not controlling. Period. However, don't let the quality of her friends completely form your opinion those of us who do enjoy a night out a the bar. I am married and my husband and I go out individually and together all the time. (just a sidenote).

 

Example of a controlling relationship:

 

"Honey I want to go to the bar with my friends."

"No, I don't allow that because I don't like the bar and don't trust you."

 

Example of a healthy relationship:

 

"Honey I want to go to the bar with my friends."

"You know I don't really like bars, but I trust you. Have fun."

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