Bah Humbug

[je55ie]

So. I am depressed. I've fell in and out of depression several times throughout my life. Either I am hopelessly bi-polar, or so stifled by low self-esteem and lacking in resilience that I continue to make poor choices.

 

I've been in and out of therapy, medications, self-help, etc. I'm not in therapy now because my insured provider can only fit one visit every 12 weeks, and that is worse than trying to deal with it on my own.

 

Usually I battle depression with change, I change everything around me, where I live, my work. Things are better until they fall again. I am trying really hard to not fall back on this type of change. But I keep second-guessing my decision-making process.

 

I want to quit my job (don't fit in, struggle making connections, no challenge, no reward, totally burnt out on this type of work for 5 years now)

 

I want to quit my bf (we have polar opposing opinions about so many things (food, nature, exercise, health, attitude, music, family, sex, money, shopping, conflict resolution))

 

But this is what I always do. And, when I sit back and try to look at things without the emotion, the job is stable and pays better than ever, and the economy is rough anyway; the bf is totally devoted, we get along most of the time, and it's the most stable and supportive relationship I've ever had.

 

About 8 hours of the day my brains continuously screams, "GET OUT!" It's overwhelming.

 

But I'm old enough to know the grass isn't greener on the other side....or I just am so insecure I keep finding the wrong pastures?

 

How do you make decisions when you are too insecure to believe in any of your decisions?!?!?!