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The Friendzone: tips to avoid the trap for men and women


JA0371

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Hi all. I was wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this subject? I think it's easier for guys to get friendzoned but is that true?

 

Guys: What can women do to avoid this trap with you? Is there anything 'specific' or is it just whether or not you'd sleep with her? Does attraction grow over time for you the way a woman's does?

 

Ladies: same question basically. Is it true for you that you KNOW within a few minutes that you want to sleep with a guy?

 

As for me, I've had a few occasions in my life that I looked at a guy and felt a bolt of sexual energy, so I can attest it does happen. However, none of those guys ended up with me. I'm with someone who is quite opposite of that. Crazy huh??

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As for me, I've had a few occasions in my life that I looked at a guy and felt a bolt of sexual energy, so I can attest it does happen. However, none of those guys ended up with me. I'm with someone who is quite opposite of that. Crazy huh??

 

Ya I have had this happen too, the bolt, I also have never ended up with someone I felt that with initially. For me, attraction definitely can grow over time, and through a friendship also. I don't know if I believe in the friend-zone--I think for me it's about comfort, the longer I have known a guy, and the more I know of him the more comfortable I feel around him which helps me become attracted, because it is not superficial at that point, and no longer entirely looks-based.

 

I was friend-zoned by a guy once (he outright told me I was friend-zoned, lol). I asked him why and he said it was because he felt comfortable coming to me for girl advice and he would never do that with a women he was trying to pursue. I don't know if other guys feel that way, but I have always remembered what my friend said and now anytime a guy even so much as mentions other women or anything related to other women or dating to me directly I figure I am likely being friend-zoned.

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Simple. When someone tells you they "Like you, but not like that" don't fool yourself into believing that you can change their mind with time.

 

That is a great start. In addition, don't try the "sneak attack" by pretending to only be interested in platonic friendship. If you have interest in more, make it known.

 

The "friendzone" really isn't complicated. You get put there when you act like a friend instead of someone who is interested in more.

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I never get that instant thing when I know that I want to sleep with a guy. For me, a guy will become more attractive to me over time as I get to know their personality and like it. I have become attracted to guys I originally didn't think were that cute or hot in the beginning. Sure, I instantly can think a guy is physically attractive too, but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to sleep with them. There's gotta be more than that.

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Best advice I ever got was this: "Don't make someone a priority who isn't making you a priority."

 

Its also important to not take rejection personally (as hard as that can be). Just because you like someone does not obligating them to like you back.

 

Bingo. To add to that, a lot of people are really nice to the object of their affection and then get upset when the feeling isn't reciprocated. You are not "owed" anything just by being nice and doing nice things.

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^^^^^ Bingo

 

Hello EE! We agree once again.

 

I just wanted to give a real world example. A friend of mine is trying to set me up with a friend of hers. To make a very long story short, me and this guy texted back and forth one night for a few hours. I did not hear from him for the rest of the week. Did I call him 10 times to find out what was going on? Did I cry to my girl friends? No. I said, "Well, I guess he isn't interested."

 

Again, to make a long story short, it turns out he is interested and we will be going out this friday. While its nice I have a date but I also did not let what I thought was his rejection get to me.

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Bingo. To add to that, a lot of people are really nice to the object of their affection and then get upset when the feeling isn't reciprocated. You are not "owed" anything just by being nice and doing nice things.

 

Those are the type of people who use the following lines:

 

"Nice guys finish last!"

"Girls just want jerks"

"Why are their no nice guys?"

 

etc

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Well, I have friendzoned guys when I knew there was something about them that meant I did not want more with them, but still liked them enough to be friends. But if I got even an inkling that they felt more I ended it, I did not keep them around, because that's cruel. And yes I have been friendzoned myself, it's awful.

 

For me the biggest single factor both in men and women that I've observed in being friendzoned is that you let the other person confide in you about other men/women they have an interest in sexually/romantically. Big mistake. When I started telling guys if they wanted to talk about other women they could go find someone else to do it, I wasn't interested in being their buddy/therapist, the friendzoning stopped. Either they looked at me differently and it went on to something more or they didn't want to be friends. Either way I won. Ditto me with men, if I talked to them about another guy and they brought me up cold on it that would shift my thinking from "he's a nice guy/friend" to "hmm, maybe I shouldn't take him for granted." Plus standing up to me is sort of hot anyways, I like a guy that can hold his own and not let others doormat him--me included.

 

Also bending over backwards to be available to someone of the opposite sex 24/7 in a buddy/friend capacity is bad too. Don't sit home alone then jump every time he calls to go get a beer together or have you come over to watch the game on TV. Ditto calling you all hours of the night and day, but never asking you on a date. That little bit of "I have a life outside of you" goes a long way in making others respect and be intrigued by you. It also gives you options, so you aren't putting yourself out there for someone who isn't doing the same for you.

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As already mentioned, this is not rocket science. One, state your intentions clearly and upfront. Don't pretend to want to be a friend when you really want more. Two, if rejected, move on and seek someone who wants you the same way. Loitering trying to change the person's mind is a waste of time.

 

Nobody can put you into anything or make you do something you don't want to do. If you don't want to get friend zoned, then all you have to do is say, "Thank you but no thanks. I'll move on to find someone who wants to date me. Wish you the best and good bye."

 

To answer the OP in more detail, personally I'm greedy. I want it all from a man - sexual appeal (to me), intellectual attraction, emotional connection, lifestyle and values compatibility. All these things have to be fully present for me to get involved in a long term relationship. Sexual appeal is a critical threshold type deal and yes, I know within a few seconds of seeing him - doable or not. If not, no go. However, if yes, still doesn't mean anything will happen because that alone is not enough for me and frankly, it takes time for the other three to be figured out. I mean a guy can have everything except for sexual appeal and that will never work for me - it just makes him a friend. At the same time, if all he has is sexual appeal, but the rest is not there, then that won't work either. I really need it all.

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I have been "friendzoned" by guys more times than I can count - mainly back when I was fat. I was even told flat out by a guy friend that I "wasn't a girl, I was just a guy with long hair". Did I mind?

 

Well yes and no. One of two of them I had a crush on and it ALWAYS hurts to be rejected (or even worse, to not even be considered). But I knew that it wasn't anything necessarily personal - a lot of guys do not want to date a fat girl and/or our personalities didn't mesh. Fair enough.

 

As others have said, being friends/nice/listening to someone does not entitle them to sleep with you. They don't "owe" you anything. If I had been interested in any of them, I didn't let them know it because I knew that if they hadn't expressed interest, then it wasn't there. Period.

 

As for guys, I have had numerous guy friends. Some of them were interested in me and some weren't (at least did not express an interest). If they did tell me they were into me, I was honest about my lack of interest. I would cut off the friendship if I thought they were hanging on with false hope.

 

I can't say I have ever specifically "known" I wanted to sleep with someone right away - I have experienced physical attraction instantly, but that definitely doesn't mean I would have wanted to sleep with them - it takes a hell of a lot more for me to sleep with someone.

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In the past, I've had a long term relationship with a guy who I was friends with for a year before we got together. During that year, he had a huge crush on another girl and he told me all about it. At first I didn't mind but, as I started falling for him, I did mind. Eventually, we became a couple and it was one of my best relationships.

The same thing happened to me again with a guy I was friends with for about 6 months (and didn't even like him at first)...we ended up dating for a year.

In general, it's happened to me more often to fall for someone when I've known them for a while..even if I'm not attracted to them in the beginning. If I had to count, I'd say that 80% of my relationships started as friends so, I never say never any more.

The only problem I see with this kind of situation is when, from the beginning, one person is very attracted and the other person just sees them as friends. That can get awkward and hurt someone a lot.

If, however, both people are on the same page (and the timing is right), I believe that relationships that start as friends can be really strong and fulfilling.

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Best advice I ever got was this: "Don't make someone a priority who isn't making you a priority."

 

As an extension to this: If the other person is not putting in the effort, you can't compensate for that by putting in more effort yourself. It just doesn't work.

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I friend-zoned my longest relationship at first. When we first met at Uni she had a boyfriend and that just flips a switch in my head when I know that - off-limits. I can't recall if I was initially attracted to her or not. I think not.

 

But in the 3 years we knew each other before we started dating she fell in love with me. Possibly it was infatuation because I didn't drool over her the way other guys in class did.

 

She got drunk one night and confessed her feelings. "I love you" Yikes! It took me nearly 5 months to make up my mind because she had previously dated my buddy and,genuinely, I was terrified of sacrificing a great friend in her for something that may or may not work out.

 

But one night,on a night out,I couldn't deny it anymore,I kissed her,and the rest was history.

 

We were together for nearly 5 years,and with the benefit if hindsight it was a great relationship that ended because our lives were moving in different directions - nothing wrong with that.

 

My attraction to her grew in those "twilight zone" 5 months. Not because I knew she liked me,but I was sort of adjusting to the idea of her romantically having never considered it before.

 

She remains a wonderful girl. I've fallen out of touch with her due to us both moving on and getting into other relationships. But I still think of her fondly. And of course,a part if me will always love her.

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It is very hard for a woman to get out of the friendzone. In most cases, a woman will be in that zone because the male is not attracted to her - or something else that can be just as final. Most men are attracted visually more than anything else, and some women give passes to men for attractive behavioral traits, or because of resources - changes in these traits can break a man out of the zone, but a woman who lands a great career or all of a sudden becomes confident and cool - might still not attract the male.

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Hi all. I was wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this subject? I think it's easier for guys to get friendzoned but is that true?

 

Guys: What can women do to avoid this trap with you? Is there anything 'specific' or is it just whether or not you'd sleep with her? Does attraction grow over time for you the way a woman's does?

 

 

In my experience, once a woman is in my "friendzone," I pretty much won't consider her hookup/gf material. And yeah...for me, it's basically if I want to hook up with or wife this girl. If I don't, but she's a sweetheart, into the friendzone she goes. If she's hot, but a total b#%ch, I'd just want to hook up with her.

 

Women have friendzoned me in the past...hot girls that I'm friends with that I'd totally wife. That was because, years ago, I had no swagger and wasn't nearly as confident. And I think with women, confidence/swag/status play more into the equation. With me, if I'm not attracted (at least somewhat), I can't think of her as anything more than a friend.

 

I have honestly heard more stories about men somehow getting out of the friendzone than vice versa.

 

Oh, I just saw Thors' post. This is why we get along

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Oh, I just saw Thors' post. This is why we get along

 

 

This is our line __________________________ stay on the other side... because if we were to join forces... Earth will explode.

 

I've actually never been friendzoned... now I have friendzoned women who pretend they friendzoned me... when it is in fact I who killed off the mood.

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My first "real love" I had initially friendzoned. I felt no attraction for him whatsoever. Nada, none, zip.

 

I couldn't say to this day what tripped the switch - he became more assertive overall, we all went to an amusement park and he grabbed my hand in a most not-friendly way. And there was a spark that could've lit the state. He had touched me before - as a friend. But never as more.

 

More experience has taught me that's not the norm for me, there's usually at least a little simmer going on under the surface.

 

And I agree 110% with Moon - if someone isn't making you their priority, you don't make them yours. You just can't make a "relationship" with one person putting in the effort - either it's relatively even handed, or you don't have a relationship, you have a steeplechase, constantly striving for something that's out of reach.

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This is our line __________________________ stay on the other side... because if we were to join forces... Earth will explode.

 

I've actually never been friendzoned... now I have friendzoned women who pretend they friendzoned me... when it is in fact I who killed off the mood.

 

Haha I love it bro! Good sh#t!

 

At the moment, I can really only think of one girl (that I would STILL wife) that friendzoned me. And that was totally my fault...she told me she was checking me at our college orientation..but since I went to an all-boy HS, I had very little experience aside from just getting lucky with girls approaching me. I used to be way too nice to girls that I actually liked...and we know that's a no-no with most women. Never again!

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Haha I love it bro! Good sh#t!

 

At the moment, I can really only think of one girl (that I would STILL wife) that friendzoned me. And that was totally my fault...she told me she was checking me at our college orientation..but since I went to an all-boy HS, I had very little experience aside from just getting lucky with girls approaching me. I used to be way too nice to girls that I actually liked...and we know that's a no-no with most women. Never again!

 

Actually, women have broken up with me... so i guess that is a friendzone type of thing. And some girl i met once rejected me after our first date, though she kissed me twice... man she was hot, i screwed that up. I acted like a real idiot on that date, i was caught completely unaware as to how beautiful and smart she turned out to be, plus she out-drank me, i got way too drunk and acted a fool.

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