Husband siding with parents- Huge Issue..please help

[shutterbugg]

Hi everyone. My husband and I have only been married for seven months, been together for three years. His parents are wealthy and nice people but I always felt like they used money to control their worlds and now it has affected us. My husband's grandfather just died and he was wealthy also.. his parents got a nice large chunk sum of money from his estate and many of his belongings..one of which is a newish car. My husband's car coincidentally happens to be on it's way to the junkyard and we haven't the good credit to get a new car right now so his parents offered to "sell" the car to us. I was weary at first, but agreed as I just know we would get stuck with a huge percentage rate and not the best deal. My husband sprung on me yesterday that his dad is asking for a "budget" of our finances to make sure we can afford this car. Needless to say ever since yesterday we have been screaming at each other and pretty pissed off. He's mad at me because (I feel) he is brainwashed and can't see just how manipulative his parents are being. I think they are just trying to have some sort of control, and seriously what kind of family asks for someone's personal financial information? I told him if the roles were reversed, my family would just GIVE me the car (especially if they had just come accross a sum of money) and that would be that. This is putting a serious wedge between us. He told me he finds it offensive that I think they're manipulating us and that I don't trust them. I think this whole thing is just simply absurd.

 

I feel like it's three against one instead of my husband and I on a team and it's pretty freaking awkward. New couples struggle, I don't want to hear about their financial advice, they are not my parents.. I just don't know how to approach this VERY uncomfortable situation. To top it off, I read an email his mother wrote him this morning blaming my stubbornness and "unflexiblity" (is that even a word? she seems to think so) on the fact that my parents divorced. Well..yes they divorced but they also helped me NO QUESTIONS ASKED. Anytime. My mom doesn't even know what my salary is. My dad helped me until the day he died.

 

How they hell do I handle this? We keep fighting. I suggested seeing a counselor because we never ever fight like this... and this could be a bigger issue down the road.

[Moontiger]

They sound very controlling. I would not give them to information. The only thing I would agree to is a written, signed, dated contract (that all four of you keep a copy off) detailing how much a month you will pay and what will happen if you miss payments. That should be enough for them.

[camus154]

I wouldn't give it to them either.

 

I would recommend any of the numerous books out there for couple's financing, and even listening to some Dave Ramsey--primarily because he's big on couples doing things 100% together. I can understand him being defensive about his parents, but I wholeheartedly agree that the two of you need to be a "team" first and foremost.

 

Is there any way the two of you can hold off on buying a car until you've saved up enough to purchase a used--but reliable--clunker outright? Putting aside the possibility that you'd be playing into the parents' manipulations by purchasing their car, if it's newish and they're doubting whether you can afford it, then--maybe you can't. Is it more car than you really need anyway?

[pippy longstocking]

I am with the others ...no way should you give them an account of your finances .

 

I am shocked they are even asking for money having just had an inheritance , but different strokes for different folk .

 

I would also set about getting a car yourself rather than that one .

[lerenard]

Don`t your wealthy parents just GIVE you a car? Wow, they sound greedy and mean. If you have so much money, and somebody in your family struggles. you OFFER your help, you don't offer a credit, normally.

Was your husband in the last will of his grandfather?

I agree, that your husband should be on your side, and you need to figure out another way to have a new car.

[Kendahke]

Money is the main reasons why marriages end up in divorce.

 

How is it that your husband, who one would assume grew up around money, has bad credit to the point where he can't afford to buy his own car?

 

No, I wouldn't give your inlaws an accounting, but by the same token, I would not be expecting them to hand over that car to you, either, just because they had money and could afford it. If you want to live autonomously and independently, then do so; but don't expect for them to give you that car, either. I'm not saying that you're expecting that--I'm just saying if you're going to go hard in the paint on this, then don't double back with expectations that they fork over money from their largess without them asking why you two can afford a car together.

 

Your husband is dependent upon his parents affluence, obviously. You dont' come from affluence, so of course you do not have those kinds of dependency issues like he does.

 

Your husband should be on your side and put you first in all considerations as your legal spouse and I think it's very telling about the state of your marriage that he is not. Did they ever like you? Did he marry you against their wishes? Could be that this is how they're exerting their control over him over doign something they didn't want him to do---sort of treating your marriage is if it was "morganatic".

 

However, you attacking his parents because they don't act like your parents is not productive. It will bring about the opposite of what you hope to achieve. Instead, you need to be encouraging him in being independent from them for anything. There are credit rating repair agencies which will help you to clear your score--I've used one in the past and I was able to buy a nice car with a 5% interest rate once they were done helping me. This is something you two need to do as a couple so that you can truly be independent of their financial manipulation.

[mhowe]

I can see what Kendahke is saying --- it may be that the parents know their son is not good with money. And surely he cannot afford a lump sum payment

for the car. So they would be asking for monthly payments. And want to know if he is going to renege on them once they sign it over to him. Because the

title would have to be signed over to the son in order for him to insure it...more costs.

 

Just because they have money does not mean they need to spend it on him, nor give him stuff. My parents were wealthy --- and did not give me any $$

towards graduate school. My life, my choice, my $$.

 

That OP's husband is in the financial straights he is in --- does raise an eyebrown.

 

More to the point --- how your parents treat you and how his parents treat him is apples and oranges.

 

I say you stand as a united front, tell them you don't need the car, and deal with it on your own. As you would have before grandpa died.

[mfan]

I say you stand as a united front, tell them you don't need the car, and deal with it on your own. As you would have before grandpa died.

 

I agree with this advice. There's a price for everything, and the price of buying the car from your parents is arguments that are so severe that you're in danger of needing counseling. It's not worth it. Any APR you get from an external car loan would be better than the price the inlaws are causing you guys to pay.

[abitbroken]

If the parents are buying the car and you have to pay them back, then they have every right to have some assurance that you can pay them back. I do not think you should hand your finances over. Either you tell them that you understand your husband hasn't had the best credit but you have the income to personally to pay them back X amount a week. Take it or leave it. I do think that you should just go out and either buy a $2,500-4,000 used car if you have the cash (and if it lasts 2 years and your credit and savings improve by then, then buy something new or just a year or two old) or carpool to work if you have one running vehicle until you can save up for a car. Lots of people do it. And you will have your pride in tact.

[Lester]

Dear Shutter, it’s a story of the good and the bad.

 

The good:

It’s happening early on in your marriage, and if you are wise and brave you could end up having a great, lifelong marriage.

 

The bad:

You must be wise and brave.

 

Damage control:

Having the right one word answer always works well with husbands.

Eg – Honey, I understand, but think it would be inappropriate for us to burden anyone with our budding financial affairs.

 

Next, the bigger picture:

From what you said about his immature parents; I think you may have married a man/child.

 

What to do:

- You must educate yourself on man/childs. ENA is a great place to start but be warned… he will be advised by his suspicious parent/child’s to spy on you. Use a computer/whatever that he never can have access to.

 

- Buy/read books! Gary Smalley's "For better or best" is a good one to start with.

 

- Do not get drawn into childish arguments that you'll regret later.

Good luck!