Moment between close friend [M35] and I [F21]

[stargirl1993]

So I have this friend of mine, we met in September and have gotten very close over the past couple months. We talk almost every night over Twitter or Skype about everything and nothing. We have these amazing conversations that never end (sometimes up to 4 hours).

We started getting coffee together in October. Since then we've gone a few times, he always insists on paying (I always put up a little fight). We talk for hours over multiple cups of tea. He's eluded to the fact that he finds me attractive.

 

Yesterday I had a very bad day and he met up with me. He gave me a big hug upon seeing me and said "Oh, love..." and let me rant about my day. We walked around outside, it was cold and snowing so we got some tea. We sat down for a couple hours and talked. I feel very safe around him.

 

Afterwards he went out of his way to walk me to the train home (he doesn't take the train). I went in for a hug, it was a long one. One hand was on the back of my head and the other on the small of my back and he crushed me into his chest (he's very tall). It was a long hug.

I pulled away and he said "I guess I wont see you until after New Years..." I nodded and told him that we'd see each other very soon and to have happy holidays. Then we just stood toe to toe facing each other for maybe 10 seconds. Not saying anything- just looking at each other.

Finally I waved goodbye and we parted. We talked a bit last night afterwards but didn't mention this little pause.

 

I feel like he's interested. I'm very interested in him. So why doesn't he just make a move? He knows I'm single. Is he not interested?

[mhowe]

Is he single?

And if so...well, the holidays are family time and your connection hasn't progressed to the point where you would include each other yet. You are meeting for coffee. Not dinners, not activities.

[stargirl1993]

He is single and I'm very involved with my family so it's more than fine not to see him until the new year. I plan on asking him to another cup of coffee the first week on january.

 

It's just the whole situation that confuses me.

[mhowe]

The age difference may be holding him back. You are fresh out of college and he is presumably well into his career. What do you spend months/hours talking about if not a potential future?

[abitbroken]

He has made a move. He has paid for coffee and not let you rotate who pays and he alludes to the fact that you are attractive. He talks for hours with you. Make sure he knows the feeling is mutual. He walks you way out of his way for the train. He is making all sorts of moves. What more of a move do you want? Now you make a move. Why not call him up and ask to meet him for dessert. Surely there must be a day from now until the new year just for a few minutes... Or next time find out if there is a movie he'd like to go see -- something date-y

[abitbroken]

Somehow i missed how large the age gap is. If it is 10 years or more - i would take it slow and get to know eachother more before being very forward with him. if its 20, then i really would consider things a lot and maybe not. Find out more about his life etc. If it is 5 years or less = no big deal.

 

I would not talk to him every day for awhile just to see if the attraction is real - not to play games but to make sure you are not so focused on just him

 

edited:

 

duh, its in the title.

[abitbroken]

I have reread some of your threads - you have been wondering about his intentions for awhile. Why don't you ask him.

[stargirl1993]

Actually we met in University. We were in the same course and he found me on the class Twitter. We began talking a little bit back and forth about silly things like our major, people in the class, etc. Then as time passed our conversations grew a little deeper; we talk about our lives (he grew up in Europe, I grew up in North America), experiences we've had, people we know, literature and what our individual plans are for the future.

We've never spoken about the concept of 'us'. He's always there for me though, I had a rough exam and he waited three hours for me to be done.

 

He thought I was in my late 20's for the longest time then he was very shocked to find out I was much younger. I look and act older. I feel older.

 

I just don't know what to do.

[stargirl1993]

Oh yes, I looped around wondering about his intentions for a while. I'm just so worried that the feelings aren't mutual and he'll run off and I'll lose my closest friend in my major.

 

I'm open to taking my time just getting to know him but when moments like yesterday happen I get so confused. I'm currently out of the city for the holidays and so is he. In the new year I'll ask him to tea.

[pippy longstocking]

oh I think he is interested , maybe he is frightened himself because of the age gap ..he might think he has no chance because why would a 21 yr old be interested type of thing .

 

It might be a case here of you having to make that move to show him how you are feeling ...I just can't see how all this has happened and he not be interested .

 

sounds good to me .

[abitbroken]

Actually we met in University. We were in the same course and he found me on the class Twitter. We began talking a little bit back and forth about silly things like our major, people in the class, etc. Then as time passed our conversations grew a little deeper; we talk about our lives (he grew up in Europe, I grew up in North America), experiences we've had, people we know, literature and what our individual plans are for the future.

We've never spoken about the concept of 'us'. He's always there for me though, I had a rough exam and he waited three hours for me to be done.

 

He thought I was in my late 20's for the longest time then he was very shocked to find out I was much younger. I look and act older. I feel older.

 

I just don't know what to do.

 

So he obviously wasn't targeting a much younger woman, as late 20s is an appropriate age to date for him. I don't think you should ask him "what's our future together" - but does his idea of what he wants in the future match yours? I think that he is making moves but is not going to make a big one - like a real date because he is probably nervous about the age difference and what you think of it.

[stargirl1993]

does his idea of what he wants in the future match yours? I think that he is making moves but is not going to make a big one - like a real date because he is probably nervous about the age difference and what you think of it.

 

Where I am right now in my life I have intentions to travel a lot, to spend a lot of time (possibly years) away from my home city. He has plans to keep travelling himself. What allures me to the whole situation is that if it works somehow, great. If not, that's okay too. I'd never let distance get in the way of knowing someone but I'm not unrealistically thinking that this could work for the extreme long term.

 

I wish there was some way to subtly let him know I'm okay with it. We talk about ours lives, experiences, literature and now the topic of sex comes up occasionally in late night conversations. I just wish there was a way to show him that I'm interested without being blunt about it.

[stargirl1993]

oh I think he is interested , maybe he is frightened himself because of the age gap ..he might think he has no chance because why would a 21 yr old be interested type of thing .

 

Is there a way to subtly let him know that I'm interested? I'm not the type of person who could just walk up to him and tell him that I don't care that we're both nomadic people that won't ever stay in the same place for too long, I want to spent the time we have in the same place together. Even if there's no promise of more than today. I'd be open to a future, but I'm not putting any hope on it.

 

Arg. I go in circles. I wonder if he just cares really and truly deeply about me platonically or if he's feelings exactly how I feel; tipsy with affection, easy to drown in our long conversations.

[morrowrd]

Is there a reason you guys couldn't go out on a few dates "during the holidays"? There's no taboo, or maybe there is in some cultures, about inviting someone to dinner who is just a friend of the opposite sex. At this point, you two are playing a cat and mouse game with each other, my bet is that this man would love more, but is giving you space, and waiting for you to send a signal to take this relationship a step farther. Are you interested in a romance? If so, stop wasting time by telling him you'll contact him after the holidays. Hell, what an excellent way to enhance the holidays by fanning up the fire of a new romance. I'm guessing "he" is just waiting and hoping for the opportunity.

[abitbroken]

If you are interested in him - I would simply tell him you really enjoy going to get coffee with him but would he be ever interested in getting dinner sometime instead? If a guy asked me that, it would be a way to know he was interested while giving me the opening to let me know how I felt about it. Or surely the library or museum has some great exhibit or a speaker coming in who has traveled to some far off place.

[capilot]

MHowe and abitbroken are both completely right. He's totally into you. He's holding back because of the age difference (doesn't want to come off like a creeper), and you're going to have to throw him some sort of a bone now.

 

Basically, one of you need a whack over the head with a two-by-four, but I'm not sure which one.

[abitbroken]

MHowe and abitbroken are both completely right. He's totally into you. He's holding back because of the age difference (doesn't want to come off like a creeper), and you're going to have to throw him some sort of a bone now.

 

Basically, one of you need a whack over the head with a two-by-four, but I'm not sure which one.

 

He is being quite clear in a polite and appropriate way. He is giving her all the signs of enjoying her company. It is up to her to now ask HIM out. But it is possible she is too young for him - in the way she is not self-assured enough. It sounds like he would be delighted if she initiated plans and sounds low risk. It is just a matter of them finding out over time if this can be a dating relationship or just friends or they find the age gap doesn't work for them. I would just go ahead and ask him to do something besides coffee. He doesn't seem like he would reject. Nothing risked/nothing gained. But if she is not confident enough about it, then don't - and wait for him to get down on his knees and declare his love - that doesn't happen outside of the movies

[stargirl1993]

Basically, one of you need a whack over the head with a two-by-four, but I'm not sure which one.

 

At this point I'm pretty we both need it. Ahahaah