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unreasonable "friendship" with ex (???)


phonechucker

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Here we go - so we started dating while I lived in 600 miles away from him. After a few months it was decided that I would move to be close to him and my family (he lives in my hometown and my Mom was moving back so I wanted to help her with that). We dated a total of a year and a half. When I first showed up I stayed with him 4 months then got my own place (he lives in a tiny apartment and it just wasn't enough space for the both of us). The real constant issue was over his ex and his "friendship" with her. I am really good friends with all of my ex's and they have all met my boyfriend and we have all hung-out together, no problems. On the other hand his ex, who he claims he is "friends with" he refused to introduce me to. Whenever we would run into her it was like a doom cloud over my head - extreme negativity. Sharp evil glares, catty gestures to her girlfriends, her best friend who I was introduced to tried to break my hand while shaking it, etc, etc. When we were both her presence they wouldn't even say hi to each other. I have never exchanged a word with the girl and it was quite apparent she didn't care for me. One time he was working as a bartender at an event and I stopped by later on that night. It was pretty dark out so I don't think his ex could see me but she was trotting up to him with a huge smile on her face and as soon as she saw me she immediately braked! Also she was constantly "liking" everything he posted on Facebook. After months of this awkwardness I asked him if there was more to the friendship than I was aware of. It seemed so odd that he never introduced us and that they were still "friends". He claimed he talked to her maybe a couple times in the past year. Anyhow - one night him and I were in bed watching a movie on my laptop. His phone was sitting between us and she texted him. I saw they thread of communication. It was her calling me names and then asking him and his mother to come to her mother's birthday party. He responded that it would be "nice". Then she texted back asking to set official plans. Obviously as soon as I saw all of this I became extremely livid! I grabbed his phone and threw it out my window and told him to get the F out of my house. My question to you guys is do you think I overreacted? Is it possible they were just "friends" or do you guys agree that this whole scenario seems fishy. We have broken up since - I have told him that it was wrong for him to put me in this position and that I didn't appreciate him hiding their plans for their little "family reunion" from me. He still has given me no explanation about it. Do you guys think they were more involved than what he lead me to believe all this time? It just seems odd making plans with her family and his when he claimed they only talked a couple times this past year. To make matters worse I just signed a new lease 5 days before all of this happened. I am so discouraged, confused and angry and I don't know many people here anymore so I am super lonely and miss my friends terribly. If I knew we were breaking up there is no chance in hell I would of committed to staying in this town - I would of gone back to my friends in the last place I lived (10+ years). What would you of done? What would you do? How would you feel?

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I think a conversation rather than chucking the phone out a window might have been a better first move. You kind of sealed the deal with the "get the f out" statement. That being said your now ex has no gonads. Break the lease and move back.

 

If you lived with him for 4 months and the ex wasn't showing up on his doorstep...I think you may have over reacted.

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Obviously as soon as I saw all of this I became extremely livid! I grabbed his phone and threw it out my window and told him to get the F out of my house. My question to you guys is do you think I overreacted?
I don't think you're over reacting to his behind the scenes goings on with this girl. Its obvious that he's still embroiled somehow with her or he'd immediately shut her down when she's being disrespectful to you. So what's going on, whether its that he still likes her or that he doesn't quite like you as much as you'd like him to is up for debate. That being said, you certainly DID over-react in how you let him know that you were fed up with her and him going on like they have been. That reaction was abusive, violent and immature.

 

Was there some reason why you didn't just talk to him about how his actions (of entertaining this woman the way he is) were disrespectful to you and he and if he still felt the need to keep in touch with her after knowing how their one-on-one interaction upset you, then it was obvious he didn't value you much and you were breaking up with him due to that fact? Did you communicate at all to him what you saw and why he would do that (agree to meet up for the B/D thing) without you along with him, before you threw away his phone?

 

You keeping all your ex'es in your life isn't very respectful either IMO. I don't see any reason to keep people in your life that you were lovers with (other then codependency) when you don't have children together and being friendly with them is ongoing in order to keep things as normal as possible with the kids.

 

You shouldn't have committed to staying in the town when he hadn't really "committed" to you after only a few months of long distance dating. You barely knew him when you did that, luv.

 

Mhowe, they've had many conversations from what she posted. Dude lies.
Then she should have just asked him to leave if he kept on disrespecting her or discussed how upset the latest convo had just made her and that she was breaking up if he wouldn't/couldn't/didn't want to end his embroilment with her. I don't think there is much excuse or many reasons that would justify how she handled his BS.
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I agree - me tossing his phone out the window was completely irrational. During our break-up conversation I apologized for this but made it clear that I was not apologizing for being upset and angry for what he did to me. Part of the reason I spilt up with him is because at that very moment I had turned into some sort of angry monster and it was clear that our relationship was not bringing out the best in me. I am terribly embarrassed by my actions. It made me look BAD. My anger spawned from being told I was pretty much crazy for my suspicions the past year and a half. To me seeing those texts confirmed some sort of intimacy between then that I felt I was lied about and I was angry that he made it seem for so long that it was all in my head. Still, it was not justifiable enough to throw his phone out the window.

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ThatwasThen - I had previously talked to him about it, quite a few times, after the many unsavory multiple run-ins with her. He would brush it off as me being jealous. I personally would never let someone treat him the way she treated me. I told him it was hurtful and disrespectful. Still, he continued to do so.

 

The chucking of the phone followed immediately after seeing the text plans about the family meet-up.

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Don't beat yourself up. It was a mistake, and it doesn't seem like a normal part of your personality. You threw it, kicked him out, broke up and that was that. That's quite commendable considering many of the other stories on here.

 

Agreed.

 

Seems you hit a breaking point. It wasn't your finest moment but it's not the real issue here.

 

The real issue is how you were feeling like you couldn't trust nor even speak openly with your ex bf anymore about what was going on. Getting dismissed and brushed off as jealous.

 

I think he set up a situation where whether or not he was doing anything other than you know that was untoward with her , he made it look really bad by being hidey and sketchy about it. Example: not introducing the two of you. Not doing something to keep things in the open, and he made it worse by throwing back your concerns and insisting it was simply your jealousy.

 

The phone exchange would have hurt me too, and i think that is unacceptable behavior for someone who you are together with.

 

I tend to agree with mhowe, that he just seems to lack some gonads too, and that would drive me nuts anyways in the long haul.

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Yeah - I think there may of been more to the "friendship" than I was aware of. Multiple times he would stay out until 5am and not text or call me to let me know he was ok. I noticed on one of those nights that his friend checked him into some bar on Facebook and with HER there as well (which was quickly and mysteriously deleted off his facebook page). I wasn't invited, go figure. I had to deal with similar scenarios repetitively, again... he would brush it off as me being paranoid or jealous. And after awhile I started to BELIEVE him! I should of trusted my gut from the beginning!

 

I haven't really spoken with him in over a month. We had the typical exchange of personal goods left at each other's places and 1 attempt of a break-up talk. I didn't get much out of him, no explanation, more or less an apology. I don't want any games. If he doesn't feel that the relationship is worth working on and fighting for then good riddance to him. Still, this break-up hurts like hell. The constant rejection and confusion about what happened between them nearly killed all of my self-confidence... I know more and more as time goes by this break-up was 100% for the best.

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This is a good life lesson. From here on in if some guy you're seeing some potential in is still very much active with communication and or meeting up with someone he's been to bed with in the past then that will be your clue to stop seeing him. If someone is hanging onto exe's then there is obviously still some feelings there. Platonic friendships don't consist of keeping your current partner in the dark and away from your "friend." That is one huge red flag that no one should shelve as non-consequencial.

 

IMO: Ex's have no business in our lives as friends or anything else. If you couldn't get along with them enough to stay together then you shouldn't keep them in your life to cause trouble in any future unions. (those with children together are the exception to the rule)

 

Its a good rule that both you and your partner should agree on and if you don't, then don't stick around one another until you're emotionally connected because you have a very fundamental incompatibility if you don't both think the sameway about keeping past romantic baggage around... it's new relationship jeapardising at best and codependent thinking at worst. Leave before you feel you're out of control and have no say in your union.

 

That dogma has worked well in our marriage.

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