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Taking a "Break" .. next step?


ssmackenzie

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My boyfriend was being distant for about a week, so I gave him some space then decided I just wasn't having it and said if he wanted to break up then I was fine with that. We met up and he told me he didn't want to break up but was thinking of more of a break, I asked him what the problem was and he said he just thought we went too fast and that he just doesn't know what he wants right now. Which I completely agreed with even though it hurt, so we agreed to take a break until we see each other again after Christmas and go from there. I have had a lot of time to think, and I just don't know how I feel about this whole situation. I don't really understand what a break is, we both hate confrontation so we avoided the subject by changing the subject frequently. I still care for him so much, but I don't want to be strung along. He has tried to contact me, but I am being very short with him. I don't feel ready to talk to him right now because I am so confused. I don't want to be the girl that waits around until he finds something better. Any ideas on what I should do? Why do guys do this? We are both 19 and I understand that the reason could be that he feels like he should be exploring what's out there but then why wouldn't he just break up with me?

 

Any insight would be awesome,

Thanks guys

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Wow, you're 19 and you did this! that's great. You did the right thing, I wish I had the guts to do what you did, Im 35 and instead got dumped. I think you should take your space and tell your bf that you should not talk in the meantime. Give it a few weeks. He will likely come back and beg you for another chance, please be forewarned. Good Luck!

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Breaks are bs, usually so the initiator can test the waters with someone else they've met. You should call him back now, and tell him that you two are broken up, and you are moving on. He can contact you in the future only if he wants to get back together but not for any other reason. Hang up and ignore all contact after that.

 

As the previous poster said, I can almost guarantee he will beg for you back. You really should just crush him right now though. Cut him off and don't look back.

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A break means he can do whatever he wants with no obligation to you while you are expected to be faithful and wait for him to let you know if he plans on committing to you again or not. It's a really submissive weak position and not advisable to ever agree to. I would just call him and tell him you have changed your mind and want to break up.

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Yes - what Gin said. Breaks are total BS and mainly for exploring other options. By agreeing to it you are sending him the message that you are going to sit idle and put your life on hold while he is free to do whatever. It does not set a good precedent for future interactions. It's best to just have a clean break that way he fully understands the consequences of his actions which is that he could lose you for good. He may come around or he may not but either way you will feel better about yourself for moving forward with your own life.

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I don't know how I feel about breaks, either.

I mean, for the most part, I agree with GinNJuice in that a break is just something a person does so they can see what else life has to offer.

Thing is, I don't think that's entirely unreasonable.

If all they want to do is f around well then ya... Let them go.

But sometimes people need to go their own way for a period of time.

I find I'm always the one wanting breaks, but because I never know how to go about them & I feel guilty, I just break up with the guy!

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You're being extremely honest and articulate about your feelings, in the middle of a situation that's clearly upsetting you. That's a pretty amazing thing to do.

 

It may be that he wanted to end the relationship with you but couldn't say "I want to end our relationship", so he chose a muddier, less clear form of words.

It may be that he wants to have some time (and possibly see other girls) before deciding if he definitely wants to end your relationship or not.

Did he give you reasons as to why he wanted a break, and what he wanted to get from having a break?

 

Under the circumstances, he seems a bit of a variable quantity, so what do you think is the best thing for you? what options do you think you have?

 

How long have you been with this guy? is it a relatively long time?

 

I just read back what I've written and there are about a million questions in there. I didn't mean to do an interrogation

 

It does seem like you've had a lot of emotions stirred up by all of this, and right now, you don't know where you stand. You don't have to rush into any decisions about what to do or what not to do immediately. Perhaps you have friends you can talk to... and of course, you can post here.

 

Please take care of yourself, do what you think is best for you, believe in yourself and be true to your values.

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A break means he can do whatever he wants with no obligation to you while you are expected to be faithful and wait for him to let you know if he plans on committing to you again or not. It's a really submissive weak position and not advisable to ever agree to. I would just call him and tell him you have changed your mind and want to break up.

 

Yes I agree that a break, especially if he proposed it, can have that consequence. I thought it was more mutual, and he doesnt sound like a bad guy, but since he did the breaking, you should take it a step further with a break up.

 

Some highly recommend a break, and personally Im on the fence about them. But if you choose a break, you must stick to NC for at least 30 days, and tell him you need to figure out what you want.

 

You've been mature about this so far, I trust you'll make the best decision for you. Good Luck!

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Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it. He said he did not like the fact that I assumed he wanted to break up with me, he was just thinking of more of a break. When I asked him why he said he thinks we just got into the relationship really fast and that we don't really know each other well enough. We were together for 2 and a half months, and I agree we just jumped into things because we were not friends first. I was supposed to meet his family over Christmas, the day before he became distant he was really excited about it.. I was really nervous and wasn't sure if I was ready but I didn't express this to him, and I wanted to meet them. He did not express to me what he expected from this break, again, we avoided talking about it any further by changing the subject because we both hate confrontation. I just feel so lost, and I really don't want to be used.

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Yes I agree that a break, especially if he proposed it, can have that consequence. I thought it was more mutual, and he doesnt sound like a bad guy, but since he did the breaking, you should take it a step further with a break up.

 

Some highly recommend a break, and personally Im on the fence about them. But if you choose a break, you must stick to NC for at least 30 days, and tell him you need to figure out what you want.

 

You've been mature about this so far, I trust you'll make the best decision for you. Good Luck!

 

Thanks! I have been trying NC, he tries to text me here and there and I just told him I was busy for the moment. I still need more time.

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...I was supposed to meet his family over Christmas, the day before he became distant he was really excited about it.. I was really nervous and wasn't sure if I was ready but I didn't express this to him, and I wanted to meet them....

 

Meeting families can be a huge deal.

 

Perhaps he had nerves about it. It sounds like you did. I might be guessing but if both of you had nerves and weren't saying anything.... that could be a challenge

 

How would it be if you asked him about the whole Xmas/meeting the family thing, and after 2-3 months perhaps it feeling a bit soon?

 

(this is me thinking aloud really... I'm not a relationship expert by any means!)

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Meeting families can be a huge deal.

 

Perhaps he had nerves about it. It sounds like you did. I might be guessing but if both of you had nerves and weren't saying anything.... that could be a challenge

 

How would it be if you asked him about the whole Xmas/meeting the family thing, and after 2-3 months perhaps it feeling a bit soon?

 

(this is me thinking aloud really... I'm not a relationship expert by any means!)

 

 

I had a feeling it might have something to do with me meeting his family, he always expressed to me that this was a huge deal, and honestly I was surprised how excited he was about it before. If this is the case I completely understand, but I wish he would have just expressed that to me. Then again, I have been thinking so much and this might not even be the reason, if the reason is that he wants to see other girls while I'm there to fall back on, I'm not ok with that. Not knowing the real reason is just stopping me from moving on. If he told me he just was not into the relationship I would be ok with that, but I am left trying to read between the lines and guess what he means. He has always been very confusing and unable to communicate well, I called him out on it a few times and he said he has always been like that and apologized. One part of me wants to move on so I don't get hurt and keep my dignity, but I also miss him so much and care for him deeply.

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One part of me wants to move on so I don't get hurt and keep my dignity, but I also miss him so much and care for him deeply.

 

He's counting on this, so that he can do whatever it is he wants to do, but doesn't feel comfortable doing while he's with you, and then go back to you if whatever isn't working out for him. Somewhere inside, you already know this, and that's why you are feeling used. You are being used.

 

You should just tell him that you know you are a catch, and you aren't going to wait around for someone who has reservations for you when there are plenty of guys out there who would date you and not have to put you on hold to think about it. He will probably try to turn it all around on you again, and say he can't believe you're giving up on it, but really he is the one giving up on it. Tell him in no uncertain terms, that you want to start moving on. You'll know exactly where you stand, very quickly. People who are willing to walk away from bull are a lot more attractive than those who accept it.

 

Do not bother with the "real reason" or closure. You get closure from yourself by taking control of the situation and telling him and yourself that you will not settle for bs.

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One part of me wants to move on so I don't get hurt and keep my dignity, but I also miss him so much and care for him deeply.

 

I'm going to remember and probably misquote something that struck me from a book I recently read.... the book was “The Venus Conspiracy” by Michael Cordy

 

and, as I remember it, the quote is:

Love is what matters, and our ability to love is what makes us human. Grief isn’t just the price of love, but also its measure. Those words reassured me that my feelings were good, because it proved how much I missed him. And, as I stand here now, those words console me. I must have loved him/cared for him very much.

 

You're human and have feelings. You would be a bit cold and clinical if you didn't!

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I'm going to remember and probably misquote something that struck me from a book I recently read.... the book was “The Venus Conspiracy” by Michael Cordy

 

and, as I remember it, the quote is:

Love is what matters, and our ability to love is what makes us human. Grief isn’t just the price of love, but also its measure. Those words reassured me that my feelings were good, because it proved how much I missed him. And, as I stand here now, those words console me. I must have loved him/cared for him very much.

 

I have no doubt about my feelings for him, but I believe in this situation he is looking out only for himself, and now it is time for me to look out for myself too.

Thanks for your reply john!

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You are totally right. I am just unsure of what step to take next, but I think I will take your advice and stand up for myself. Thanks for your help!

 

He will contact you again soon, probably via text. When he does, keep it short and simple, and DO NOT give him the opportunity to argue. Tell him not to contact you ever again, for any other reason than to get back together. He will whine, complain, and freak out. Do not respond to any of it.

 

You sound like a catch, you shouldn't go for such wimps. Maybe tell him you need a man..that will hit where it hurts.

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