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Are there other people out there that feels this way?


betrayedgirl

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I'm not planning to kill myself, I don't know. I am just tired of life. I am deaf, by the way. Yes I do have a therapist.

 

I am tired of being disrespected by my family members, especially my half brother (see other post if u want to stalk me). I just feel nobody cares about me at all, don't care about my feelings, etc.

 

The world is a horrible place to be.

 

I have been abused in every way imaginable by my ex. Fought my drug addiction and am clean almost 13 years.

 

I am tired of technology rapidly changing, replacing people and their jobs, making jobs obsolete and hard to find.

 

World is just getting violent every day. People are getting stupider everyday. I miss the 70s.

 

I just want to leave the world and rest in peace.

 

Ugh!

 

I hate this.

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me too....

 

I do, although I haven't been abused and actually find technology helpful. I'm tired of trying to find a purpose, trying to find someone to accept me, trying to improve my life, I'm tired of trying. Some days are worse than others, I sometimes wish I could end the pain.
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  • 3 weeks later...

Betrayed,

 

Yes, I have felt this way, and sometimes I still do.

 

I was just forced out of a fourteen year relationship, five of those years being married to the guy. We went through everything life had to throw at someone together, and back again. I thought he was it, I thought he was forever. I loved him more than anything, sacrificed and toiled to give him my whole self...but, without going into the mind-numbing detail, he changed very suddenly, fell out of love with me, and broke all of his promises and then forced me, kicking and screaming, to sign divorce papers.

 

At the time I was also very ill with about four different illnesses, and was in and out of the hospital. I lost my house, flunked out of college (landed in massive debt), almost all of my friends turned away from me, unsure of what to make of my sudden car-wreck of a life. My family did the same thing-- I couldn't get them to look my way or acknowledge my existence for anything. God, the lonliness I felt still makes me shiver like a light wind that blows at your back; it's from somewhere distant, but you know it all too well and remember...

 

I fell into the deepest depression imaginable and became addicted to prescription painkiller, nearly killing myself with those god-forsaken pills. Addiction had a grip on me like a monster from under the bed. I laid in bed in a fogged stupor for about two full years, unable to eat, sleep, see friends or family (the few I had left, anyway)...it was like those videos I'd seen of the parachuter who jumped from a plane and found, in mid-air no less, that their chute wouldn't open and hit the ground from miles up only to be left in unbearable pain, with every bone in their body broken, teeth knocked out, can't move...but somehow, cruelly, left alive and feeling all of it. I dwindled down to 85 lbs., and looked like something from The Walking Dead.

 

I was half-alive, and wanting to die. I tried suicide twice. Didn't work (obviously), and I wound up in a mental institution for awhile, and so after being released I had a pathetic, cruel, and miserable way of life-- popping sickening pills and laying in a dark room, unbathed and alone, my only link to the outside world being my computer. I'd read the news from all over the world and with my present situation and state of mind, it only added to the misery. It was like I had been blind to all the miseries of the world because I had so many good things to distract me, but now that I was stripped of them, the full weight and meaning of the world outside of my little corner of Iowa was a hell-hole and I could feel the flames licking at my face...

 

Somehow, someway, this guy from the college I was kicked out of decided that now that I was divorced, he wanted to be with me...DESPITE the unattractive mess that I was! He came to me, rented homeless, sick little 'ol me a house to share with him and got a job to take care of me. I was confused as to what worth he saw in me, but it didn't bring me out of my festering pit of zombie-like numbness and despair...at first.

 

One day, while he was at work, I sat up in bed and just thought "I'm sick of this ! I want to feel something other than depression, or numbness..." So I showered (man that was a CHORE, considering I never got out of bed, but somehow I lugged my carcass into that unfamiliar shower and cleaned myself). Then I put some actual clothes on and I sat down in front of the TV. And I discovered that "Hey! There are some episodes of 30 Rock on Netflix I haven't seen yet, God-Dammit!" So, I watched. The plots made me pay attention, the writing was clever, Kenneth was funny and adorable, and kind of reminded me of my new boyfriend, Tracy Jordan was HILARIOUS, Liz was relatable and before you know it...I was just a little bit more alive....sure, the world and its various situations sucked beyond the telling of it and still made me sick to my empty stomach, but I had found something that made me feel a little more like my old self...it was only a glimmer, a tiny flash of hope, but I followed it, unsure if it would lead me anywhere, but hey-- I had nothing else to lose. Literally.

 

A season and a half in, I was doing housework, got a job (a shi&*y one, but still I was out of the house and that, my friend, was a miracle), I was doing things with my new boyfriend and giving him an actual relationship. There were two friends who still loved me, and they were in need of some help, and I decided to be the one to give it to them, and I saw what good my choice had done for them, and in connection, for those around them that they affected. It was farther reaching than I ever could have imagined...and the list began to grow of the things I couldn't do, nor feel, before this stupid little show caught my attention. Can you imagine? I couldn't, before I tried...

 

The world is a mad-house, Betrayed, a MAAAAD-HOOOOUUUUUSE! But, inside its padded walls, there are still things that can give you another, smaller, private world of pleasure and focus.

 

No matter what knocks you down, no matter what you lose, no matter what it makes you feel, no matter how many feet you have in the grave, there is still a chance for you.

 

A sensitive person like you must have some kind of talent or hobby that is special and can make a mark on the world. There must be a show, a music genre, a book series, an empty canvas from which you can build your empire. And once you build your tiny empire, you can build a wall around it. Sure, you can still see out and face-palm at all the atrocities being committed within your site...but inside your fortress there will be your court jester, there to solely entertain you and make you smile, at least just a little bit. Just enough to make you get up and be amongst the living. Perhaps you'll find an unexpected prince. If not, maybe one of the commoners will need your help...whatever it is, you can build a world all your own that can't be touched.

 

What do you say? Do you have anything that can serve as the first brick to start building such a thing? Anything that can give you even a chance of that? You don't have to give up...you can, but I hope you don't. I pray you don't. A person with such sensitivities can surely offer the world something the make it a little better, even if you don't see it now. I hope you find a glimmer, a pin-point of light in the darkness and follow it, weak and staggering, until you stumble, blinking into a huge patch of sun. No, you can't change this fetid world...but you can be warm again. I promise. And I almost never promise anyone anything.

 

And remember-- if all else fails, and you go crazy, you can always run naked through traffic with a toy light-saber, screaming "I am a Jedi! I am a Jediiiii!" I know I'm planning on it. Youtube it, if you must.

 

Megs49

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  • 2 weeks later...

How are you betrayedgirl?

 

Regarding your initial post, yes, other people seem the same, for example I am, I'm so tired and exhausted. Every night when I go to sleep I wish I would sleep for a loooong, long time. I'm just tired of living an feeling nothing or bad feelings. That's just a part of me.

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How are you betrayedgirl?

 

Regarding your initial post, yes, other people seem the same, for example I am, I'm so tired and exhausted. Every night when I go to sleep I wish I would sleep for a loooong, long time. I'm just tired of living an feeling nothing or bad feelings. That's just a part of me.

 

Try it without the sleep

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