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Old ex wants to be friends?


cryingalways

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I wasn't really sure what forum to post this on but it seems like I've made the breaking up forum my home so....

 

Basically an ex of mine is wanting to meet up.

 

Not the one I want to contact me but another one.

 

I slept in his bed the other day-nothing happened-he just hugged me. And I have just sent him a message stating that nothing will happen between us because I'm still getting over my recent ex very much.

 

But he has replied with "That's fine, do you still want to meet up and go to this show?"

 

Now, this might be a lot simpler if it wasn't for the fact that this ex some time after we broke up years ago was very angry and drunk and hit me with a broom.

 

Seeing as I've just come out of an abusive relationship I do not want to be around another ex who hit me with a broom.

 

Part of me would like to just go to this show with him as friends-he is friends with LOTS of my friends so it's hard to escape him anyway.

 

But also I am wary about it and do not feel comfortable with the idea of him trying to get together with me again.

 

I don't really know what to do.

 

I know it's very easy to just say no to him but it would be nice to get out of the house.

 

Is it possible to be friends with an ex? Is it possible to be friends with an ex who once hit you with a broom?

 

It would be nice if my recent ex showed me some attention. I wouldn't give this guy the time of day then. Mind you I didn't have any friends when we were together so I didn't give anyone any time other than him.

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NO. why? because -- it would be nice if my recent ex showed me some attention. I wouldn't give this guy the time of day then.

your reasons for meeting him are all wrong. if you need to get out of the house - get out of the house. don't use your yet another ex for that.

you are vulnerable now, and you still have issues from your last break up. HEAL yourself first.

I know he is probably a good ego boost for you now. Somebody is messaging you again, hugging you at night. But this behavior wont get you nowhere but to the Sorrow land once again.

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I've been ignoring him for about five years but he is always with my friends and has lived with friends of mine for all these years so I guess i just thought it would be easier to get on with him now. I can not forget what happened though and will always hold it against him obviously.

 

I've told him no now and he's just continuing to try and convince me...I'm gonna stick to my guns. There are other people in the world. People who haven't hit me with brooms.

 

It really is just because I need to be distracted from my recent ex. I spent the whole of last week being suicidal and posting on here constantly. I know this ex is not the answer to my problems but I just needed anything to make me think about something other than my recent ex because I have been in the darkest place I have ever been.

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it really is just because I need to be distracted from my recent ex -- well, we understand that, but please please don't use your OTHER ex for that

the fact that you see him around so often, doesn't mean you need to be friends with him.

and the broom thing ...

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If you need to be distracted, go volunteer at a women's shelter, hospital or with helping out organizations during the holidays to put smiles of the faces of needy children. You don't need to be distracted by an ex who assaulted you and is trying to push his way back into your life. Really! Come on! He's not the ticket forward---he is a tentacle trying to drag you back into that morass. If you think things are dark now, wait until you see how dark they are when he's choking you or breaking your ribs.

 

The deal is, the distraction you need isn't going to be found in a man. It's going to be found in you getting your esteem in the right place and no man on earth is going to do that for you.

 

I just went through 3 years of being alone, by myself after my ex cheated on me and dumped me for a younger, wealthier woman--3 Christmases by myself, 3 New Years by myself, the whole ball of wax. The first of those milestones, I was crying my eyes out at the betrayal, but I also knew, even in all of that darkness, that there wasn't a man alive who could do for me what I wanted, which was to never have had the cheating take place in the first place. Nothing was going to erase that from my history so the only thing left to do was to submit to and trust the process of getting through it so I could get past it. Distraction does not allow you to get through it--it holds off the work that needs to be done until there is no more distraction or the distraction fails. You will still need to do the work.

 

Your best bet right now is to talk with a therapist to help you move in a more positive direction. You need someone who does not have an emotional past with you to help you draw a map through this minefield you're in.

 

Next time your friends invite you to do something, ask if he's going to be there and if they say yes, then tell them you'll pass. Learn how to say "no" and be unapologetic about it. As you say, there are other people in the world and they may be a better grouping to be friends with than who you're friends with right now.

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I cant avoid going to things he will be at or I'd never see my friends. I'll just go back to keeping him at a distance like before. But yes it would be nice if my friends weren't so chummy with him. They dont seem that bothered that he hit me. Not great friends no.

 

He's finally taken no for an answer now after i said no a few times.

 

I absolutely am hating christmas. It makes me think about both my brother and my ex being gone. I am looking forward to it being over. New years is going to be hard too.

 

Im getting somewhere with the counseling i think now. She helps a lot. I would like to be able to date a nice guy and this seems to be what i have to go through to get there.

 

I still love my ex even though he has been more cruel to me than anyone ive ever known. I wonder if he is doing any work on himself now. Who knows. Its very hard him dropping me cold like this after saying he wants me back and he'll change all week.i am starting to accept that he is dangerous and that is the most important thing to realise here.

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I cant avoid going to things he will be at or I'd never see my friends. I'll just go back to keeping him at a distance like before. But yes it would be nice if my friends weren't so chummy with him. They dont seem that bothered that he hit me. Not great friends no.

 

then you get what you pay for--crummy friends who'd rather be chummy with an abuser and shine you on.

 

He's finally taken no for an answer now after i said no a few times.

 

I absolutely am hating christmas. It makes me think about both my brother and my ex being gone. I am looking forward to it being over. New years is going to be hard too.

 

Im getting somewhere with the counseling i think now. She helps a lot. I would like to be able to date a nice guy and this seems to be what i have to go through to get there.

 

I still love my ex even though he has been more cruel to me than anyone ive ever known. I wonder if he is doing any work on himself now. Who knows. Its very hard him dropping me cold like this after saying he wants me back and he'll change all week.i am starting to accept that he is dangerous and that is the most important thing to realise here.

 

It doesn't matter what your ex is doing. You need to be more concerned about how you're doing. You can't move forward looking in the rear view mirror.

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I think people just didn't want to take sides or something weird. I've got a friend who's got an ex who she doesn't like me or anyone to hang around with-he cheated on her and was emotionally/verbally abusive to her-and so I don't talk to him-but she's always seeing my ex who hit me and just seems to think we should be friends!

 

Very few people actually care that he hit me. Or they say "He was upset!" or they just don't believe it was that bad.

 

I remember very well crying afterwards for a long time.

 

They are bad friends arn't they? God....so annoying....

 

I am trying no to think about what my ex is doing but with friends like this is it a wonder I miss an abusive ex boyfriend?!

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I think people just didn't want to take sides or something weird. I've got a friend who's got an ex who she doesn't like me or anyone to hang around with-he cheated on her and was emotionally/verbally abusive to her-and so I don't talk to him-but she's always seeing my ex who hit me and just seems to think we should be friends!

 

Very few people actually care that he hit me. Or they say "He was upset!" or they just don't believe it was that bad.

 

I remember very well crying afterwards for a long time.

 

They are bad friends arn't they? God....so annoying....

 

I am trying no to think about what my ex is doing but with friends like this is it a wonder I miss an abusive ex boyfriend?!

 

yeah, they are bad friends. they're basically shaming you for being on the receiving end of his assault. Friends do not do that. They circle around and support you.

 

Stop using your friends as an excuse for missing him. Non sequitur.

 

You need to take control of your life and find other people to hang out with--whatever it takes to do that, you need to be about doing that instead of making excuses for refusing to move forward.

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Lol emotional tampon. He is definitely not a "poor guy" he's tried it on with most of my friends through the years and says he doesn't remember hitting me when I have brought it up several times and asked him to apologise-there's always some weird reason why he can't remember or the situation was distorted so he couldn't understand me...

 

But I have made it very clear nothing is going to happen now and said I do not want to hang out in anyway.

 

It was just a very destructive thing to do to sleep in his bed. That was my fault yes.

 

I just miss my ex and I thought it might make me not miss him but it hasn't at all. It's like I've lost my best friend too. I don't know who to talk to. I'm lost. So I end up in bad exes beds. I was pretty drunk I should state-when I sobered up I was very panicked by where I was.

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"to get over somebody you should get under somebody else" is not a way to go, most of the times.

it can feel like a quit fix, but it will only bring more pain and confusion to your life now.

be careful with alcohol too, by the way. you don't want to end up calling you ex (any of them) drunk and crying how much you want him back.

not a good plan for the holidays...

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Oh I've been preeeetty drunk and not called my ex. I'm quite well trained at not calling him now.

 

My friends keep telling me I should meet someone new. One is very persistent that I should go on a dating site.

 

It would seem all of my friend's are in relationships or have never been single for very long so this is how they view my problem.

 

I guess they just want me to get over my ex and be happy and it does appear to be a quick solution but I really want to change my taste in men. I've actually had a couple exes trying to make their way back into my life since I have become single-all of which are not stable or have issues. And I also had a guy who has a girlfriend (I did not know this) being very flirty with me one night. So there is something up with my man radar which needs urgent attention. And I'm not sure if trying to date will get rid of this problem. Admittently online dating means you can get a bit of an idea of the person you are meeting (I'm talking about one of those expensive dating sites lol) and maybe I could go on a date with a nice guy. But I don't know that I am ready. I obviously miss physical contact a lot or else I wouldn't have got myself in my recent mess but that is never a good reason to start a relationship with someone, because you crave physical contact like a mad woman. Although it is the main reason anyone goes out with anyone. I just need to pick better people really. When should I start dating again? It's such a confusing time....

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Don`t go dating because somebody pushes you to do so, its not a good idea.

Before you are totally healed and over your ex and your issues - dating could be a disaster.

Learn to sit with yourself and be happy you have all that space for yourself. Then you can invite someone in your life.

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Girl I have been in the same boat, although I have never been in an abusive relationship (sorry to hear that) But if I have learned anything in life its that its very hard to be friends with an ex. My ex fiancé and I are semi-friends. Meaning we may say hello to one another on facebook and he is on my "friends" list, however we do not hang out, we don't txt, or talk to one another on the phone. Mainly because even though it has been many years, he still wants to bring stuff up about when we were together. It gets old and I feel sort of bad when he says thinks like, "Do you remember the time when .... blah blah blah??" and I'm like "um... no" lol

 

Exes are exes for a reason, and you say this one hit you with a broom? I'm not trying to be mean here AT ALL but do you hear yourself?? Any man hits me with anything and I'm throwing his a** in jail and NEVER speaking to him again! There is nothing worse than a woman who makes excuses for a man when he beats her. That just p*sses me off and it makes the whole gender look bad. Like we're weak or something.

 

As I said, I'm not trying to be mean or make you feel bad. All I'm saying is that you should keep your exes behind you.

 

Watch Lion king and listen to Timon and Pumba, "Hakuna Matata" -Keep your past where your behind is...

 

How are you going to start a new chapter in your life, when you keep re-reading the last one??

 

Good luck and RUN!!!

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Haha Timon and Pumba

 

Yeah I know it was bad the broom thing, I guess I just got influenced by my friends being mates with him for the last 4 years and they made it difficult for me to be angry about it. I never even thought I could have rang the police, that's crazy isn't it? It hurt too. It makes me feel awful about sleeping in his bed...what was I thinking? I kind of hate him. Loneliness does terrible things to you....

 

I am friends with a few of my exes. I have had a lot of short term relationships. After my first real relationship ended (it was a 3 year one which I started to get bored of and start wanting to date other people) I just bed hopped for years. I've probably not stopped bed hopping until my last ex. He even said to me "You having all these exes makes me feel like I'm the idiot who stayed with you". That one hurt.

 

I have dumped my fair share of those relationships, most of them I ended actually. But I'd been shunned by a few before meeting my recent ex and so he would mention this to me often. Make me feel like I'm some sort of annoying w**** no one wanted. Which deep down I probably think is true. He said so many things like this and more that hurt me all the time. Then he'd say eh said things like that because he cared about me. I thought it must be true, no one's ever taken this much interest in me. Now he's gone all the bad things he said feel worse because he's basically said he's left me because of these things. Which I don't think is true, considering I actually changed a lot and he kept finding new things to complain about. But look he's not come back so the more I realise that the more I start to think maybe he really believed those things about me. That I was "beyond help". It's such a horrible thing to do to a person. Especially after my brother has passed away. I feel like there's something wrong with me and even though I do know he is the one with the problem it's very hard to not let his words sink in. He was my best friend. All the friends I have now and people who don't care that my other ex hit me with a broom. I thought he was different but infact he was worse.

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It comes and goes...

 

Sometimes I say things like I just have other times I am more logical.

 

I have a lot of feelings about all of this so it's hard to be logical sometimes as I get into a sort of hysterical state. I've always been a bit of a worrier. Another thing he hated about me-but I was worried because I was scared of him having another outburst-see I just go round in circles sometimes.

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