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How can i lower my standards?


mmp123

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I dont recall having them set this high (or wrong) before. In the past year or two, ive had many girls interested in me, and i was partially interested, but in their personality only. I found i was not physically attracted to them at all, and moved on. They are average looking, nothing bad, but i just could not get aroused with them at all. Also girls that i do find attractive physically tend not to meet my personality critera. As an example, im currently hung up on some girl i find very attractive (even though my friends say shes not *that* good looking), but has a ordinary, dull personality. I cant stop thinking about her. Note that my last serious relationship was about 3 years ago, and i started looking for something serious, about a year and a half ago.

What can i do about this? Any suggestions are welcome.

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Perhaps i should have titled the thread: "how can I change my standards", but that doesnt sound like a possible thing.

 

Why would you lower your standards or even change them?

 

There's no rush to get into a relationship. Who cares about all the 1000s of women that didn't work out with you, you just need 1 good one.

 

Try just approaching the ones who you find attractive and filtering them out, I'm certain one will fit the bill.

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You don't need to lower or to change your standards. When someone is right for you - that person meets your standards, and that person will never be only partially interesting to you.

If you like someone but your friends tell you she is not good enough for them, show them the middle finger and go talk to her! You will feel if she is good for you or not.

If you just met someone, and her personality seems to be dull, its may be that she is just shy and needs to get to know you better to become more open and bubbly.

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I never, ever, listen to my friends about taste in women. Im very specific, and most of the time we disagree, and Im fine with that.

 

Im feeling rather frustrated about this. I cant shake the feeling a really long time has passed, you know? It should have happened. (or rather it did, I was just too picky)

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I never, ever, listen to my friends about taste in women. Im very specific, and most of the time we disagree, and Im fine with that.

 

Im feeling rather frustrated about this. I cant shake the feeling a really long time has passed, you know? It should have happened. (or rather it did, I was just too picky)

 

That's good if they disagree, you won't have to worry about them hitting on your girl!

 

There's no time table on this, from my experience (one girlfriend, and several fwbs) they just happened, of course I took the initiative to meet them but other than that the relationship just evolved on its own.

 

The next girlfriend will also likely be a byproduct of this, when you least expect it out of the 100s of people you meet, with one it'll just evolve.

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So your "standards" are constantly leading you to women you find attractive physically, but there's nothing else there....or women who have good personalities, but you don't find physically attractive.

 

The bottom line is you're not finding anyone you'd deem relationship material.

 

Your focus on "standards" is a distraction from the real issue. Which is this: some part of your being does not want to be in a relationship at this point in your life.

 

Oh, you may want sex...you may even want companionship....or an activity buddy. But your brain is making choices that ensure you won't get yourself into a relationship. Which is fine, and can even be workable if you're honest with yourself about it and stop muddying things up by wanting to change your standards.

 

You may be better served to focus instead on questions like: "What do I believe about relationships?" "Are my beliefs realistic...positive...negative...etc?" "Is that a situation I really want to be in or would I prefer not being limited to one person?" "Are there other things I'd rather work on/accomplish at this point in my life (career goals, traveling the world, joining the circus...whatever) that a relationship might hinder?" "What things in my life would have to change in order to accommodate a relationship?" "Do I want those things to change or do I like them just fine the way they are?"

 

If you already know the answers to these questions, then there is also the possibility that how you are choosing to spend your time and/or where you live isn't providing access to women you would find compatible. Should that be the case and you actually do want to be in a relationship, the project becomes figuring out what geographic location, activities, etc would be more likely to have women you'd be compatible with.

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So your "standards" are constantly leading you to women you find attractive physically, but there's nothing else there....or women who have good personalities, but you don't find physically attractive.

 

The bottom line is you're not finding anyone you'd deem relationship material.

Exactly. The last person i found to be physically attractive and mentally compatible was my ex.

 

Your focus on "standards" is a distraction from the real issue. Which is this: some part of your being does not want to be in a relationship at this point in your life.

 

Oh, you may want sex...you may even want companionship....or an activity buddy. But your brain is making choices that ensure you won't get yourself into a relationship. Which is fine, and can even be workable if you're honest with yourself about it and stop muddying things up by wanting to change your standards.

This may be so. But ive spend some time on my own, and i really liked it that way. I wasnt doing anything else but occasional one night stands, and that was exactly what i wanted.

 

I want all of that, exactly why i started looking for something serious. Tried just sex, wasnt doing it for me anymore.

Im quite sure my brain is screwing with me, thats why Im feeling frustrated, and thinking "what the hell is wrong with me?"

 

You may be better served to focus instead on questions like: "What do I believe about relationships?" "Are my beliefs realistic...positive...negative...etc?" "Is that a situation I really want to be in or would I prefer not being limited to one person?" "Are there other things I'd rather work on/accomplish at this point in my life (career goals, traveling the world, joining the circus...whatever) that a relationship might hinder?" "What things in my life would have to change in order to accommodate a relationship?" "Do I want those things to change or do I like them just fine the way they are?"

 

If you already know the answers to these questions, then there is also the possibility that how you are choosing to spend your time and/or where you live isn't providing access to women you would find compatible. Should that be the case and you actually do want to be in a relationship, the project becomes figuring out what geographic location, activities, etc would be more likely to have women you'd be compatible with.

 

These questions and suggestions were actually quite helpful. I do have a definitive answer for all of them. Some of these reminded me of all the work and goals i need to be doing and working on, but that still doesnt take away the focus from this need to have something real and good, for i genuinely miss that feeling, and i know i want it again.

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Exactly. The last person i found to be physically attractive and mentally compatible was my ex.

 

Well...that just opens the door to asking this: Are you over your ex? If you're comparing the newly-met to her and they're not measuring up, there might be a little more "letting go" work for you to do.

 

This may be so. But ive spend some time on my own, and i really liked it that way. I wasnt doing anything else but occasional one night stands, and that was exactly what i wanted.

 

I want all of that, exactly why i started looking for something serious. Tried just sex, wasnt doing it for me anymore.

Im quite sure my brain is screwing with me, thats why Im feeling frustrated, and thinking "what the hell is wrong with me?"

 

Nothing's wrong with you. You may just be in the phase of "just about over the ex and inching towards being ready to try it again with someone new." Things take the time they take. Getting frustrated with a (seeming) lack of progress is part of the process as well.

 

BTDT...for me, I find that things like movies, tv shows, and even books and other stories about relationships have given me a very unrealistic timeline for things. Like, I have a great story about how I ended up meeting one of my friends (it involves dating some guy, him dumping me, this new girl starting at work & surprise! she was the next one to date the guy and ended up married to him, then he cheated on her and they got divorced and he went from "the one who got away" to "phew! I dodged a bullet there!") It takes me about 10 minutes to tell the story...it took me about 7 years to live the portion from "dated this guy" to "phew! I dodged a bullet!"

 

We move at the pace we need to move at...sometimes frustration is a way to kick ourselves in the ass to get ourselves in gear.

 

These questions and suggestions were actually quite helpful. I do have a definitive answer for all of them. Some of these reminded me of all the work and goals i need to be doing and working on, but that still doesnt take away the focus from this need to have something real and good, for i genuinely miss that feeling, and i know i want it again.

 

Again, I'm seeing indications that you are moving toward a time that you'll be open to starting a relationship with a new person, but you're not quite there yet. Emotions do tend to lag behind logic...but I also think your growing frustration is a sign that you are getting ready to take another step forward.

 

I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you, really....you're making your way through a process at a real-life pace. If you've been in this same place for, like, a year or more, you might want to call in some professional help. If it's been less than year, and you've been making forward progress since your break-up, what you're going through will resolve itself with time.

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I think it is self sabotage. You are basing your "standards" on outward appearance, and then negating the appearance for personality.

 

The bigger question is ---- the vibe you are giving off is not bringing someone who would fit both criteria into your sphere. Work on you and put the

relationship search on the back burner.

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Well...that just opens the door to asking this: Are you over your ex? If you're comparing the newly-met to her and they're not measuring up, there might be a little more "letting go" work for you to do.

 

Ive seen my ex many times after the breakup, and we talk online, not too often though. The last time was a couple of weeks ago. She looks great, but Im quite sure Im over her. We were both relaxed and our relationship would now compare to old friends that lost touch. Im sure Im not comparing, but I do know what i like in women.

 

 

Again, I'm seeing indications that you are moving toward a time that you'll be open to starting a relationship with a new person, but you're not quite there yet. Emotions do tend to lag behind logic...but I also think your growing frustration is a sign that you are getting ready to take another step forward.

 

I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you, really....you're making your way through a process at a real-life pace. If you've been in this same place for, like, a year or more, you might want to call in some professional help. If it's been less than year, and you've been making forward progress since your break-up, what you're going through will resolve itself with time.

 

Like I said i started looking a year and a half ago. Its not all the same. Ive been rejected plenty. A lot of ups and downs so to say. But im getting worried that if i keep this up i could lose the need for a relationship totally.

 

At any rate, I will consider all of your advice. And thank you.

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I think it is self sabotage. You are basing your "standards" on outward appearance, and then negating the appearance for personality.

 

The bigger question is ---- the vibe you are giving off is not bringing someone who would fit both criteria into your sphere. Work on you and put the

relationship search on the back burner.

 

This may be the case. Ive had a case of self sabotage once, 2 years ago. I was not ready, kept convincing myself i was, and then doubting it all. Came apart quickly. Realized Im not gonna want to do that anytime soon. After that i decided to be patient, and not rush into things.

I periodically work on myself, not in order to attract people, but to better myself (or if im out of shape completely to feel better).

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There is no "need" for a relationship. It is the frosting on the cake. Cake is still fine without it.

 

I went for 8 years without a relationship (did some dating) --- and it was the most productive time of my life.

 

I realize that "need" isnt quite the appropriate word for it. The feeling of giving and receiving, sharing precious moments, and the general feel of being in a relationship and in love.

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I wouldn't make your hiatus 8 years....but in that time I traveled the world with friends and family, started a business and got it off the ground, got a dog....

and found that I really, really liked my life.

 

And just as I thought, hmmm --- would be nice to have someone to share it with....he showed up, literraly on my doorstep.

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I wouldn't make your hiatus 8 years....but in that time I traveled the world with friends and family, started a business and got it off the ground, got a dog....

and found that I really, really liked my life.

 

And just as I thought, hmmm --- would be nice to have someone to share it with....he showed up, literraly on my doorstep.

 

Perhaps Im too idealistic, but i would really like to do all of these things with someone I love. (except the business )

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So would I --- and we are! Italy, Greece, Vienna.

 

But the point is --- you don't sit home doing nothing if you are not in a relationship.

While single I saw Scotland, much of the Caribbean, France, and Ireland.

 

Turns out my SO has spent plenty of time in the Caribbean and France....not on his bucket list.

 

Life your life --- embrace your life. Don't imagine your life --- and wonder why you aren't living it.

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So would I --- and we are! Italy, Greece, Vienna.

 

But the point is --- you don't sit home doing nothing if you are not in a relationship.

While single I saw Scotland, much of the Caribbean, France, and Ireland.

 

Turns out my SO has spent plenty of time in the Caribbean and France....not on his bucket list.

 

Life your life --- embrace your life. Don't imagine your life --- and wonder why you aren't living it.

 

Im constantly doing my best to keep myself busy, nothing more. Im not bored, Ive acquired quite a lot of skills, that I use professionally and for hobbies. I have plenty of friends, family has always been there. Just this one thing keeps "weighing me down". I know its not much of a problem, but It does disrupt some days. Like this one.

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I would also say that having a lifestyle, even for a year, focused just on sex can make it harder later when that person goes for a relationship. Focusing on sex trains your brain to associate arousal with sex only and not emotional connection. You are only focused on looks in that case and trying to go for a relationship NOT focused on looks is harder.

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Your standards are your own. I have dated some serious hotties, the last girl i dated i would say would rank lower in the attractive-scale - but i picked out something about her that made me so turned on with her that i was a freak. Her intelligence, her geeky nature, her awkwardness just shot my hormones to the roof, its like every second i felt like touching her.

 

Try to zero in on some qualities and find that in someone, you dont really lower your standards, you just set certain traits as priority that they start to over-rule everything else.

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