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Tired of dealing with her ex's, "guy friends" and FWBs


zillman

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Hi all. I'm new here and like most, I'm in desperate need of advice. My gf and I have been together for just over two years, and cohabiting for about a year. I know this stuff sounds silly to some considering we are both 40 y/o divorced parents, but here goes.

 

About 2 months into the relationship we started spending lots of time together. One night, while I was at her house getting ready for work (graveyards), she started acting strangely and rushing me out the door. I asked what was going on, and she finally told me that her ex-husband (who lived in the same subdivision as her) was on his way over because it was his birthday. I asked why she didn't just tell me that in the first place, and she replied "because I thought you'd be gone by now." I was hurt, but I left without a word. We talked about it in person the next day, and she acknowledged that it was not a nice thing to do, and assured me that he did not come inside, and he just came by to give her a piece of his mom's cake which they exchanged at the door. I find the second part hard to believe since they used to hang out at each other's houses quite a bit before she and I got together. Supposedly that was for the sake of their son. I can somewhat understand that since she'd only known me for a couple of months. But I still felt like her loyalty was to him.

 

About a month later on St Patrick's day, she was again acting like she wanted me out the door in a hurry. I headed out, and she was right behind me, getting in her car to go pick up her son from her ex's house so she and her kid (no mention ex-hubby), can go to a St Paddy's thing downtown that afternoon. I drove off, but something just wasn't right, so I turned around with the intention of cruising by her ex's house to see if they were still there. As I turned back into her neighborhood, I saw her ex's car drive past me going the other way. There was my gf, next to him in the passenger's seat, and their kid in the back. I was mad. I thought it was inappropriate, not to mention she assured me it would stop after the last episode. We did not talk at all that night, but met for breakfast the next day. She apologized and said she only did it because he was lonely and she felt sorry for him. However, she also said something that really caught me off guard. She admitted that she would have never told me her ex was there if I didn't see them, and that she could not promise it would be the last time it would happen. I accepted this and stayed with her.

 

 

Fast forward to December. We had been together for a year and were living together in her house. My gf was going through a rough time at work because of problems with her boss and the suicide of a coworker. I should mention that she works in corrections, so her workplace is overwhelmingly male. She is very pretty with a really cute body, so I'm sure she gets lots of attention. Anyway, she started becoming close with a guy from work who was "helping" her through all this. She would talk about him frequently, and it progressed to them texting/talking. Stupidly, I thought nothing of it. One day she came to me and asked if I was ok with them going to lunch. I gave her credit for asking me first, but said I wasn't ok with it. She agreed not to go. The next day I asked if I could look at her phone to see just how frequently they were communicating. She reluctantly handed me the phone, and what I saw was quite the eye-opener. He was being very flirty and telling her things like "I can't wait to see your face!" She did not say anything overtly flirtatious, but she was very enthusiastic and encouraging with her replies. Things like "Yes!" "Let's do it Thursday!" She admitted he was being inappropriate, so I asked why she didn't cut him off instead of encouraging it. She replied "I don't know."

 

Next incident was March of this year. I did something I'm not proud of and I know is wrong. I snooped in her work email when she left it open at home. In her inbox was a thread between her and an old "guy friend" she knew from 20 years ago. Everything was G-rated, just regular catching up chit chat. But at some point he mentioned he would be in town in a few weeks, and asked her to lunch when he got there. She agreed, but told him that her bf (me) is "psycho jealous" so they'd have to "work something out". I let it fester for about two weeks then finally brought it up, and admitted that I snooped. This started a big fight culminating in me leaving for the night. During the fight I said that I could tell by their level of familiarity that they had at least dated. She didn't outright deny it, but said "that doesn't mean anything." The next day we met in a park to talk, and she admitted that they had in fact dated long ago. I kept my cool and thanked her for her honesty. However, she again said that she had no intention of telling me about it had I not seen the message, but it was ok because she planned to bring a female friend along had she decided to go. That part wasn't in the email though. We patched things up, but it took several months for stuff to get back to normal.

 

While I was rifling through her email, I searched some names of guys I knew were old friends of her's from work. What I found was countless messages between her and three of these guys from several years ago (she was already divorced then, but they were all married men). They were talking about how great the sex was, and were scheduling "meetups" at her house for booty calls. She told one guy he had a "standing offer" on her body that he could redeem whenever he wanted. She referred to herself as another guy's "Sancha" (Mexican slang for side pu**y). I was shocked, but that was all long before we met, and I know she has moved on from that stuff and is remorseful. However, she was still communicating frequently with one guy, and there was another she still had occasional contact with (no X-rated stuff). Both of them are also on her FB.

 

About a month ago, I finally confronted her and said I knew her history with one of the guys (I withheld knowledge of the other one as a test), and said I really thought we were past all this and I was upset that she would have him on FB. She was understandably very embarrassed that I knew all that stuff, but agreed she should have taken him off after all the other things. I asked if she thought I was being unreasonable in wanting her to remove him, and she said no, she could understand how it would make me uncomfortable, and took him off. I checked her page the next day, and of course the guy whose name I withheld (Mr. Standing Offer) was still on there. So I finally mentioned to her last night that I knew about him too, and asked why she didn't remove him as well. Her reply was that I shouldn't even know any of her history with them (she's right), and she doesn't even think about it anymore. I asked if by that she meant that she forgot any of it happened, and she said no. She then logged into her FB, to remove him, and I noticed they had been messaging as recently as a week ago.

 

It's important to mention that when I first activated my FB she was very clear that I was not to have any ex's on my page. She has also been very adamant that she does not want me to have female friends, FB or otherwise. Of course I was compliant with her request. However, two of her best friends since childhood are male, and she is always talking about this guy or that who is a friend from college or work. I understand that working in a jail all these years she is bound to have befriended many men. But, with her past history of deception in our relationship I just don't know who's who or what I can believe regarding the true nature of her history with these guys. She has told me that she was VERY promiscuous in her early 20's.

 

I by no means think she is cheating. She is a very loving, caring, sensitive, forgiving woman, and we love each other very much. I have had my moments where she was well within her rights to end things but chose not to. I previously had a very bad problem controlling my temper, and I have completely lost my head yelling at her on four occasions over the course of this relationship. That has not happened in almost a year, and I am a lot happier, as I have pretty much decided that that is not going to solve anything, and it is very unfair to her. I also acknowledge that it was wrong of me to look at her email. But I also really don't like our life together being invaded on a regular basis by guys she has been intimate with. I shudder when we have to go to one of her work functions because I don't know what may have happened between her and some of the men in attendance. I feel she really could have done more to minimize this, or at least could have been more forthright about who we may come in contact with so I could have made a more informed decision two years ago.

 

I'm kind of at a loss. We've since moved into a new house away from her ex, and I actually bought the old house from her and it is still vacant. I feel I've lost my independence as I had no say in the move. She wanted a bigger house that was closer to her son's school so I had to go along if I wanted us to be together. I've basically assimilated into her life and I'm scared to move forward with her because this stuff with the guys keeps happening. She assures me she loves me and has not thought of another man since we met, but I don't relish the idea of being old and gray and still having to deal with her old lovers. Am I nuts?

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Iggy, she is doing everything that she made sure he knew he was not allowed to do.

 

Zillman, don't waste anymore time on this sneaky, selfish excuse for a girlfriend. Kick her out, and tell her to never contact you again. Sell her old house back to her. You're being taken for a fool. She's using you for all that provide, then talking all kinds of about you. Either stop complaining and just learn to live with her shady ways, or drop her cold.

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Why are you wasting your time like this? She will likely never change because she has a deep insecurity and her repeated lies and deception demonstrate she has no respect for you or your relationship. You really need to bite he bullet and kick this loser to the curb.

 

The lesson you need to learn here is to never get involved with people with unfinished business under any circumstances.

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Iggy, I don't see anywhere in my post where I even insinuate that I think she is a sl*t. If anything I think my post demonstrates that I do not hold her past against her, but I just wish that she would not carry it forward into our relationship. Perhaps you've formed your own opinion of her based on what I wrote. I was also very clear about my own wrongdoings. As far as my age goes, I don't know how old you are, but if you are younger than 40, you will find out when you get there that being hurt by your partner causes just as much pain as it did when you're 20.

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Ummm....stop thinking of your girlfriend as a sl*&t. People have exes and friends of the opposite sex. You are 40 years old, grow up and stop acting like a jealous, insecure child.

 

Also, I doubt very seriously that anyone would want their SO/spouse having any type of contact with someone with whom there is a fairly torrid sexual past. I think it would have been nice of her to at least inform me that she has history with some of the men she is in contact with. Maybe I'm just not as evolved as you, but I don't see you being all accepting of Mr. Iggy's former f*ck buddies.

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Iggy, she is doing everything that she made sure he knew he was not allowed to do.

 

Yes, this has been a point of contention for some time. I've asked many times how she finds it acceptable to not only associate with whomever she wants, but to also lie about it when necessary, then tell me that there are strict limitations on who I can and cannot talk to.

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Zillman, to answer your original question, you are not nuts, you are just being a wuss about all of this. At this point you deserve her treatment because refuse to do anything. If you're not going to break up with her, at least add the people you want to facebook or whatever and start talking to girls again. You really should just start dating other girls, then break up with her.

 

What did you come here seeking?

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Zillman, to answer your original question, you are not nuts, you are just being a wuss about all of this. At this point you deserve her treatment because refuse to do anything. If you're not going to break up with her, at least add the people you want to facebook or whatever and start talking to girls again. You really should just start dating other girls, then break up with her.

 

What did you come here seeking?

 

This. OP, I understand what it's like to grow insecure to the point of feeling the need to snoop. But what you need to realize is that by the time you get to that point, the issue is no longer about her but rather about you. How many times can you sit her down and rehash the same confrontation, the same empty threats and warnings and promises, before you realize you're wasting your time? Your girlfriend sure as heck doesn't sound too trustworthy, but then again, you've also allowed yourself to become exactly what she's accused you of being--the "psycho jealous boyfriend".

 

Lastly, you're shirking responsibility and playing the victim here. Of course you had a say in moving. You didn't want to lose her, so you chose to move with her--but that's still your choice. Accept responsibility for your situation, step away and think about this as reasonably as you can, and figure out what's the most healthy move for you at this point.

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Zillman, to answer your original question, you are not nuts, you are just being a wuss about all of this. At this point you deserve her treatment because refuse to do anything. If you're not going to break up with her, at least add the people you want to facebook or whatever and start talking to girls again. You really should just start dating other girls, then break up with her.

 

What did you come here seeking?

 

I came here seeking honest outside perspectives, and I thank you for yours. I have already added the last woman I dated prior to getting with the GF to my FB, as well as a girl I dated from a previous job. This is not a revenge thing at all, and by adding them I do not feel any type of vindication. But I admit it is somewhat liberating.

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Good. Do as you please, and do not let her control you. She sounds like a toxic person though, so I expect this will get ugly. Start emotionally detaching, and stop treating her like someone you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Make her earn that back.

 

I still think you should just dump her and kick her out.

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Agreed. I can just imagine you living the rest of your live wondering in the back of your mind (at all times) if she's still having conversations with ex's, etc.

 

And you'd have to constantly be checking her phone/email/FB/etc. It sounds very emotionally draining.

 

She's not going to change. She seems like the type who tries to push the envelope in terms of what she can get away with. You deserve better.

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