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I need others' opinions


Mikey1985

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I'll try to keep this as short as I can. My "wife" and I are currently separated. We were married for almost 5 years. Along the way we had MAJOR ups and downs, but always the ups to go with the downs. We both were very verbally abusive to each other at times and it was very hurtful. She never apologized for anything she did and threatened to leave me multiple times. One time she actually "left" me to go be with her sister in Dallas. She said it was completely over and I believed her. Anyways, she ended up coming back but still acting very mean and not really changing her attitude.

 

So we went to our friends party together thinking we didn't want to be rude to them and maybe some drinks would help us out. She ended up with her head in a guys lap and I ended up skinny dipping with a girl at the party who also happened to be my wife's friend. We were obliterated drunk. I saw her with that guy and told her to come skinny dipping she said go ahead. I went like an idiot and me and her friend ended up having the worst 10 second drunken sex ever.

 

My wife had no idea the next day but it was eating me alive. I felt as if I had done the worst thing in the world (I had), but I hope you all can see the awkward hypocritical actions as well on her part. So the next morning I was acting strange and she said what's wrong...so I told her. I told her if she wanted to leave I understood but that I was very drunk and very confused about where we stood as a couple. I know there are no excuses but that's what was going through my head at the time.

 

Fast forward 2 years and my wife is in nursing school. She had seemingly forgiven my transgression citing that she understood how she had treated me and that we both were kind of awful to each other along the way. We tried to make everything better...and sometimes it was great actually. We still had some special moments up until a few months ago. She started taking her Lexapro again and it seemed to make her a zombie. We didn't hardly see each other and she was VERY busy with school. I was recently graduated and working so I was busy as well.

 

Fast forward to October of this year. We have an argument, she tells me she needs a break and will go to her sisters. She wanted to separate for a while. I said can we agree to not date other people for just a little while. She agreed and then on Halloween night tells me there is someone else. None other than her ex boyfriend from when she was 16. She starts saying stuff like she never loved me, always thought about him. She had sex with him while she was there.

 

This is was my karma for what I had done coming back 10 fold. I knew I would face repercussions. I told her it's okay to just come back to me. She said she wanted to leave me for good for that guy. Fast forward to a few weeks ago...she started trying to be nicer to me. I have agreed to help her with some financial expenses. She will be nice for a few days and then snap at me about once a week as if she wants me to cut her off so she has a story to tell everyone.

 

I gave her half of our money, helped her with moving expenses, bought her a mattress, pay for her car payment, insurance and cell phone. I want her to be successful in her life, I don't want to ignore what I did a few years ago that brought this on. It is my responsibility to help her through nursing school. I have ONLY asked for her to stop snapping at me and try to be nice so that I don't feel so used. She says I'm holding money over her head....I'm totally not. I just need her to avoid treating me like crap even though she's the one that left. I didn't want her to leave.

 

I made her a song and sent it unknowingly right before one of her finals. She almost failed and blamed me saying that I won't leave her alone. She refuses to speak with me over the phone and only through text, except when she comes out to the house to get a few things she hasn't moved out yet. So today she asks me if we file jointly and get a return are we going to split it. I told her that doesn't seem fair to me and she once again says I'm holding money over her head.

 

What in the heck do I do? I have nobody to talk to about this and all of her rationale seems to have disappeared. She has become VERY selfish since starting the lexapro and has been drinking and partying. It's like she's having some sort of brutal quarter life crisis at her age of 25. I don't want to abandon her though because her family did that to her when she was a kid.

 

Please help. I'm sorry for the long post but without back story it is difficult to get the tone of the situation. Thank you to anyone who has some advice.

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Sorry, it doesnt sound like she wants anything from you but money. I would consider counselling and question whether her drug is actually helpful for her. If nothing can be resolved through counseling or she shows no desire to form a healthy relationship with you... its time to walk away.

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Sorry, it doesnt sound like she wants anything from you but money. I would consider counselling and question whether her drug is actually helpful for her. If nothing can be resolved through counseling or she shows no desire to form a healthy relationship with you... its time to walk away.

 

Thank you for your response. I know you are right I just don't want it to be true I guess. I know that if I cut ties with her she will lie to everyone and say I kicked her to the curb with nothing....I really wish that didn't have to happen. She buries her feelings deep inside but they are there.

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I know that if I cut ties with her she will lie to everyone and say I kicked her to the curb with nothing....

 

Who cares what she says? You don't have any control over that. If you're going to be held prisoner by what other people might think of you based on what she says, you're already sunk.

 

She's only 25? That explains a lot. This has nothing to do with your indiscretion from a couple years ago. I'd lose that attitude right away that this is your payback and you had it coming, because all it's doing is leading you to make bad decisions out of guilt.

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Seems like you may have gotten married too young and she has some wild oats to sow.

 

I would walk away, let her figure out her life. Yes you did something bad years ago but she should have left then or forgiven you. She should not guilt trip you into paying for her life. File for divorce, give her her half of the stuff and move on. She is leaving you for another guy, why are you still financing her?

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Who cares what she says? You don't have any control over that. If you're going to be held prisoner by what other people might think of you based on what she says, you're already sunk.

 

She's only 25? That explains a lot. This has nothing to do with your indiscretion from a couple years ago. I'd lose that attitude right away that this is your payback and you had it coming, because all it's doing is leading you to make bad decisions out of guilt.

 

I guess I'm just avoiding the inevitable.

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Seems like you may have gotten married too young and she has some wild oats to sow.

 

I would walk away, let her figure out her life. Yes you did something bad years ago but she should have left then or forgiven you. She should not guilt trip you into paying for her life. File for divorce, give her her half of the stuff and move on. She is leaving you for another guy, why are you still financing her?

 

Honestly I don't why I still am. I just don't want to lose her completely. I wanted us to be friends, but she is showing that it's not possible.

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