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Letting go of that last bit of resentment/bitterness


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So, a short bit here - my ex and I separated about 1 1/2 years ago, I moved out almost exactly 1 year ago (Jan 1) and our divorce was finalized through the state about 6 months ago, almost 10 years to the day from our marriage. No children, so no issues there.

 

For the most part, I'm doing okay - most days I can enjoy my life, be happy with where I'm finally headed and just LIVE. That being said, I'm finding that I'm still struggling with some bitterness. This stems from a few things:

 

1) I didn't pursue a career while we were together because it was all about getting his career going (the promise was that once his career was going, then we'd focus on me - when that time came, he told me (almost verbatim) that he had no interest in supporting me in my ventures, and if the things I wanted to pursue weren't exactly what he wanted to pursue (ie, spending all money on the house - which was fine as it was and the occasional spa vacation) then he had no interest in helping me do what I wanted to do.

 

2) Due to the simple fact that he made more than me, he kept the house (which I was fine with) - but with that, he also kept most of our STUFF short of the few things I could cram into the single room I was moving into and my motorcycles and car (he had his own of each - which were newer and nicer than "my" vehicles).

 

3) Since then, when I've ran into him, I'm constantly reminded of why I left - he's into one person and one person only, and that's himself. I guess I truly did manage to marry my narcissistic father even though I convinced myself otherwise. He's even that way around his "friends" or coworkers, so it's not just me (thank goodness - at least that is weirdly comforting).

 

Now, in relation to each number above:

1a) It took longer than I would have hoped, but I have finally managed to get my career headed in a good direction. I have a decent job that I love, that pays the bills without me working 6-7 days a week (which I had been doing since we broke up), and it's put my career in the direction I wanted it to go 8 years ago when I got done with my undergrad. My biggest issue is that I basically wasted the past 8 years on just finding "a" job, instead of waiting a bit for what I really wanted...I'm 35 and I'm literally only 60 days into my career BUT, things are better and I've taken steps to get things going where I want them to!

 

2a) This is probably one of my still-large complaints. He's not rich by any means, but judging by the (prominently displayed when I had to stop at his house to pick up my Christmas decorations) brand new PS4 and other little things I know he's gotten/been doing, he's not exactly suffering either. He has all of our furniture other than an old, rickety futon (now my bed) and two old bookcases....he has the living room set, dining room set, the Sleep Number Queen size bed, the house (which he owes way more than it's worth, but still...), the reliable car (new in 2011, while I have a 1996 Land Rover with over 237K miles on it), the 48" flat screen TV, etc, etc. Yes, it's just "stuff" but it's stuff we both worked for....but because he felt he "earned" more, he deserved more, and since I initiated the separation, I went with it. Ya, stupid, I know. I simply can't afford to just replace all of that "stuff" - so my back suffers, I get to watch TV on a 19" that I broke the bank to buy, and I'm crammed into a single room with minimal garage storage space (which means I still have some stuff at his house since I can't afford off site storage right now).

 

Again, it's not ALL terrible - I have cool roommates that I get along with. With the new job I had to find a reliable commute vehicle and just happened to have an acquaintance who was moving with the military and couldn't sell his motorcycle for what he owed on it so he let me take over payments until I can get my finances to a point where I can finance it - and he owed pretty dang close to market value on a 2013 bike that I actually like and know how it was taken care of for the short time he had it. I have a phone, I have my dog and cat, computer, etc. I'm not suffering for any needs in my life....and I even have a few toys that serve no purpose other than to bring me joy.

 

3a) Too many times I've wondered if I made the right choice. He wasn't abusive, he was responsible, better with money than me, had a good career started, decent looking...but he didn't like me. Anytime I'm around him I am reminded of why I left and USUALLY feel a little better. Stopping at his house (with him home - I've done it a few times agreed upon times when he wasn't home) only to see how comfortable he was and going back to my little room left me wondering. And angry. And bitter.

 

MOST of the time I'm pretty happy with where my life is going. Most days I realize that I'm in control of making (or not) things happen in my life one way or another (even if they take longer than I had hoped). Generally I'm pretty content. Sometimes I'm even thoroughly enjoying life. Maybe it's the encroaching holidays that is making this bitterness last a little longer than usual - normally after a day or a few hours I'm over it, this week? Not so much.

 

As for the bitterness, it's a little two-fold. First off, I feel like my trust in our agreement all those years ago was utterly betrayed. I put a fair bit of effort into trying to make sure I was emotionally and physically supporting him for YEARS, even after I had begun to question our relationship. He put in one month's effort (actually, not even - more like a couple "dates"), and when that didn't have me swooning, he gave up. I think that was kind of the ultimate "you're not worth it" slap in the face any person can get. Secondly, I'm mad at myself for the wasted years. Not only career wise, but now I'm facing dating in my mid-late 30's (35 right now) and realizing that the best years of my life were spent on someone who simply discarded me once I wasn't as perfect as I had been a decade earlier (he wasn't as svelte either, but I went out of my way to make him feel like he was - but that kinda backfired in that he actually believed it whole heartedly). Discarded is kinda how I feel about our relationship. He didn't cheat on me - he just ignored me. He didn't abuse me, he just didn't acknowledge me. He didn't leave me, but he sure as hell just let me go.

 

I know this is probably just part of the process, doesn't make it suck any less. Reading dating advice telling women my age to just "settle" for someone who will take us isn't helping - I'd rather be single.

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Ooooh A long one

 

 

So, a short bit here - my ex and I separated about 1 1/2 years ago, I moved out almost exactly 1 year ago (Jan 1) and our divorce was finalized through the state about 6 months ago, almost 10 years to the day from our marriage. No children, so no issues there.

 

For the most part, I'm doing okay - most days I can enjoy my life, be happy with where I'm finally headed and just LIVE. That being said, I'm finding that I'm still struggling with some bitterness. This stems from a few things:

I think its quite natural to have some bitterness.

 

1) I didn't pursue a career while we were together because it was all about getting his career going (the promise was that once his career was going, then we'd focus on me - when that time came, he told me (almost verbatim) that he had no interest in supporting me in my ventures, and if the things I wanted to pursue weren't exactly what he wanted to pursue (ie, spending all money on the house - which was fine as it was and the occasional spa vacation) then he had no interest in helping me do what I wanted to do.

Legitimate reason to be bitter.

 

2) Due to the simple fact that he made more than me, he kept the house (which I was fine with) - but with that, he also kept most of our STUFF short of the few things I could cram into the single room I was moving into and my motorcycles and car (he had his own of each - which were newer and nicer than "my" vehicles).

I assume this was a legal decision?

 

3) Since then, when I've ran into him, I'm constantly reminded of why I left - he's into one person and one person only, and that's himself. I guess I truly did manage to marry my narcissistic father even though I convinced myself otherwise. He's even that way around his "friends" or coworkers, so it's not just me (thank goodness - at least that is weirdly comforting).

its always good to keep sight of why a relationship ended.

 

Now, in relation to each number above:

1a) It took longer than I would have hoped, but I have finally managed to get my career headed in a good direction. I have a decent job that I love, that pays the bills without me working 6-7 days a week (which I had been doing since we broke up), and it's put my career in the direction I wanted it to go 8 years ago when I got done with my undergrad. My biggest issue is that I basically wasted the past 8 years on just finding "a" job, instead of waiting a bit for what I really wanted...I'm 35 and I'm literally only 60 days into my career BUT, things are better and I've taken steps to get things going where I want them to!

Youll get there. Main point is you started. You are at least on the road and in the grand scheme of things that is fairly massive.

 

2a) This is probably one of my still-large complaints. He's not rich by any means, but judging by the (prominently displayed when I had to stop at his house to pick up my Christmas decorations) brand new PS4 and other little things I know he's gotten/been doing, he's not exactly suffering either. He has all of our furniture other than an old, rickety futon (now my bed) and two old bookcases....he has the living room set, dining room set, the Sleep Number Queen size bed, the house (which he owes way more than it's worth, but still...), the reliable car (new in 2011, while I have a 1996 Land Rover with over 237K miles on it), the 48" flat screen TV, etc, etc. Yes, it's just "stuff" but it's stuff we both worked for....but because he felt he "earned" more, he deserved more, and since I initiated the separation, I went with it. Ya, stupid, I know. I simply can't afford to just replace all of that "stuff" - so my back suffers, I get to watch TV on a 19" that I broke the bank to buy, and I'm crammed into a single room with minimal garage storage space (which means I still have some stuff at his house since I can't afford off site storage right now).

This is quite ridiculous but I am not sure, in legal terms, the situation you are in. I am not sure if you can fight it or not. Sure you can ask him but he doesnt seem the type to give up possessions lightly.

 

Again, it's not ALL terrible - I have cool roommates that I get along with. With the new job I had to find a reliable commute vehicle and just happened to have an acquaintance who was moving with the military and couldn't sell his motorcycle for what he owed on it so he let me take over payments until I can get my finances to a point where I can finance it - and he owed pretty dang close to market value on a 2013 bike that I actually like and know how it was taken care of for the short time he had it. I have a phone, I have my dog and cat, computer, etc. I'm not suffering for any needs in my life....and I even have a few toys that serve no purpose other than to bring me joy.

Sounds pretty good but I understand the resentment that you feel you should deserve better.

 

3a) Too many times I've wondered if I made the right choice. He wasn't abusive, he was responsible, better with money than me, had a good career started, decent looking...but he didn't like me. Anytime I'm around him I am reminded of why I left and USUALLY feel a little better. Stopping at his house (with him home - I've done it a few times agreed upon times when he wasn't home) only to see how comfortable he was and going back to my little room left me wondering. And angry. And bitter.

He wasnt willing to support your dream. He was the right one for you. Simple as that. By staying you would have been settling. Are you really a settler?

 

MOST of the time I'm pretty happy with where my life is going. Most days I realize that I'm in control of making (or not) things happen in my life one way or another (even if they take longer than I had hoped). Generally I'm pretty content. Sometimes I'm even thoroughly enjoying life. Maybe it's the encroaching holidays that is making this bitterness last a little longer than usual - normally after a day or a few hours I'm over it, this week? Not so much.

Its tough, always but hang in there. You know you made the right choices you have literally answered all your own questions.

 

As for the bitterness, it's a little two-fold. First off, I feel like my trust in our agreement all those years ago was utterly betrayed.

Sadly what is said in a relationship really holds no ground once out of it.

I put a fair bit of effort into trying to make sure I was emotionally and physically supporting him for YEARS, even after I had begun to question our relationship.

Again, Irrelevant. Relationship is over, you can remember it as another reason it ended but that is literally about it.

He put in one month's effort (actually, not even - more like a couple "dates"), and when that didn't have me swooning, he gave up. I think that was kind of the ultimate "you're not worth it" slap in the face any person can get.

Again, remembering why he just isnt worth it.

Secondly, I'm mad at myself for the wasted years. Not only career wise, but now I'm facing dating in my mid-late 30's (35 right now) and realizing that the best years of my life were spent on someone who simply discarded me once I wasn't as perfect as I had been a decade earlier (he wasn't as svelte either, but I went out of my way to make him feel like he was - but that kinda backfired in that he actually believed it whole heartedly).

Well it sounded like you began to just settle a bit too early. You are however only 35, its not old by any means. If you had to do it again would you honestly not have taken the risk?

Discarded is kinda how I feel about our relationship. He didn't cheat on me - he just ignored me. He didn't abuse me, he just didn't acknowledge me. He didn't leave me, but he sure as hell just let me go.

Its as good as.

 

I know this is probably just part of the process, doesn't make it suck any less. Reading dating advice telling women my age to just "settle" for someone who will take us isn't helping - I'd rather be single.

Boom! Dont settle. There is someone out there for you. Definitely. Keep on trucking. Who doesnt want a confident woman with a kick ass career? Oh and likes moterbikes? Come on!

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Ooooh A long one

 

Ya, I'm prone to that LOL.

 

 

 

 

Boom! Dont settle. There is someone out there for you. Definitely. Keep on trucking. Who doesnt want a confident woman with a kick ass career? Oh and likes moterbikes? Come on!

 

That last bit made me laugh!

 

Thanks for your responses (and actually reading through it all)...most of it my head knows, but my emotions (which I'm rather retarded about being a "thinker" type) tend to sometimes drag their feet and get into fights with my logic and it all just gets ugly and messy up there till the emotions give up and go back into their neat little box again LOL. I'm pretty sure the holidays are giving my emotions a little extra willpower right now (I live accross the country from any family, although I do have plans with friends for Christmas I still tend to get a little nostalgic).

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Ah I only read this stuff to clear my own head. It looks to me like you made the right call. A brave call. One to be admired most definitely. This holiday is a load of ass anyway. Just rant on here when you feel stuff getting a bit much. What I do and I'm moderately sane. Remenber though most important thing is yourself. After me of course.

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It's funny reading this as I think I made a post with the exact same name last year!

 

The best way is to work through it. I would often think about it on my way to work, thinking how angry I was, all the things I would say. Eventually, it does die down.

 

You learned a good lesson in never sacrificing your goals and desires for someone else. I can see why you did it as I used to think I would too, but these days divorce does happen and you've got to look after yourself. Some women give up their careers and then don't have anything to fall back on so be thankful your career is getting sorted and progressing.

 

Ultimately, he sounds like a selfish douche and you've got to focus on how this was a lucky escape! This will be easier when you have found someone else as until then it's natural to have doubt.

 

What I hold onto is: the best revenge is moving on, not caring about them, being successful and looking good

 

Meanwhile he gets to stay as him: and that doesn't sound very attractive!

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Also not sure why he got all that stuff in the divorce, seems unfair if you sacrificed your career to support him- can you contest it?

 

We didn't actually divide anything legally other than saying he got the house...so mostly I just need to man up and tell him what I'm taking - or come up with a reasonable argument for what I feel I deserve of the stuff. There are a few things that I'm going to be insisting on here pretty soon (tire changing equipment) and I really need to go there and get the last of my crap and whatever else I feel I should take - but first I need someplace to put it, which means off site storage....hmmm, wonder if a roomie would want to split one with me? May be an idea...

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We didn't actually divide anything legally other than saying he got the house...so mostly I just need to man up and tell him what I'm taking - or come up with a reasonable argument for what I feel I deserve of the stuff.

 

It's just stuff. Save yourself the drama and concentrate on yourself. He's obviously so selfish to not have offered, don't waste your time coming up with arguments to make him see otherwise. Maybe see it this way: he lost the best thing he had, and that was you! The stuff he has are are just consolation assets that are, at best, depreciating!

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Er yeah! And why did he get the house? I would have gone the legal route unless I was happy with the arrangement

 

I couldn't afford the house payment. Simple as that. As for the other stuff, in California, as soon as you start claiming stuff, the cost of filing goes up - rapidly, and I simply didn't have the funds.

 

It's just stuff. Save yourself the drama and concentrate on yourself. He's obviously so selfish to not have offered, don't waste your time coming up with arguments to make him see otherwise. Maybe see it this way: he lost the best thing he had, and that was you! The stuff he has are are just consolation assets that are, at best, depreciating!

 

That was my attitude at first - but now that it's been awhile and I'm looking at trying to replace ALL of it (rather than just some things) when I'm already just past making ends meet, I'm a bit less apt to just walking away from it all. Haven't made up my mind on the situation just yet either way...

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