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The Love Letter I Never Gave To You


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Not originally written to be prose or poetry, but merely catharsis and with the naive notion that I should be so brave as to give it, but I suppose most prose and poetry is written for this purpose so I will post it here instead. For my love, wherever you are:

 

"Dear J,

 

Something I've come to learn in my 24 years of existence is that meeting people you truly connect and click with is a rarity, and that as such, when such a strike of lightning occurs, it should be appreciated and savored as the commodity it is. Life is random – in fact, the mere fact that we even exist is random – but sometimes a thousand little coincidences align themselves just right and something wonderful happens. A moment's decision to wait for a bus rather than accept a ride leads to a chance meeting with someone truly special. There is a quote from a movie, an old black-and-white French film called “Madame de...” which I saw at the British Film Institute in London once, which says, “The most interesting thing about coincidences is that they are natural”. Well, you, J, are a lovely coincidence, and while our meeting was never part of a pre-ordained narrative as designed by an omnipotent spaceman, that doesn't make it any less serendipitous or meaningful; if anything, it makes it more.

 

A long time ago I made a policy for myself that if I ever thought something good about someone, I should make sure to tell them. Compliments are worth a million dollars and more, and – while for the most part I think I have been good at giving them to you– let me just ensure I have told you all the things about you which are wonderful and which I admire, while I still have the chance to say them. J … you are intelligent, philosophical, deep, and stimulating, and I can think of no greater fun (well okay, *one* thing...) than to have a conversation with you! You are completely unpretentious, an adventurer, you are passionate and present, and you do something a great many people don't – you *live* life. Moreover … you are absolutely beautiful. I am attracted to you on every level – intellectually, emotionally, physically, sexually. Now that you are leaving, I will miss talking with you so much, and my God, I will miss ****ing you.

 

You once told me that happiness happens arbitrarily – it cannot be planned. I agree, happiness is incidental. It can happen when you least expect and for a reason so simple as a beam of sunlight hitting you in just the right way, and sometimes, for no reason at all really, happiness just washes over you. Like I said, incidental. But not always. Sometimes, happiness is anything but arbitrary, and this is the kind of happiness I have felt with you. I was happy when you first kissed me, and every time you kissed me thereafter. I was happy when you played me Melody Gardot and this beautiful Brazilian song – the perfect representation of life with its joys and sorrows, its comedy and tragedy – laying in bed all night talking, not one commonplace thing said. I was happy when I came to you one evening, simply to kiss you goodnight, and something so simple as your kiss melted all my worries away. I was happy – no, in ecstasy – every time you made me come.

 

Stephen King (my favorite author, in case I never told you) once said, “The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them – words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out.” So here they are, the living size words that sum it all up, simple as they may be … J, I will miss you. I will really miss you."

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Hey,

 

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this extraordinary spectrum of feelings you've pretty artistically expressed here. I know you wrote it for you, but I have to tell you it feels wonderful to see my own emotions and experience reflected by another - with a different set of nuances and highlights, but essentially the same. I felt a kinship as your writing unfolded. Thank you.

 

I completely understand where you're coming from.

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I am speechless. I wish I could write a letter like that in English, but I am always short of words, I guess I will always be because I am not a good writer and I am still learning the language. But someday, I will brave to submit some of my writings here, overcome the shame and accept all the constructive criticism. It will always better for me to share here than to send my language-childish poems and letters to him.

 

I guess when we love, we do it such as similar ways.

 

Thanks for sharing.

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