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Should be over it by now, but I'm not


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My story is long, but I'll try to summarize succinctly. My ex and I were together for almost 5 years, and broke up in June due to him not being able to support himself and going through major depression, anxiety and anger. He announced one day that he was moving back home (another state) and had already been talking to friends about jobs, places to live. I was furious and we had been having problems for a while, and I knew this was the only way for him to get his life back on track so I let him go. He proposed to me before he left, and I said no (there was no way I could have said yes in that situation) and then he told me he was going to get his life back on track so we could have a future.

 

As much as I love(d) him, I needed him to go and fix himself. I cried a lot when he left, but afterwards decided it was a good time to focus on making myself happy again, as a lot of years were spent worrying about trying to help him solve his issues. I started feeling better slowly, and was reconnecting with friends, exercising a lot, going out and doing things I enjoy, and just living. I felt like i was getting myself back again. We were still talking, but not a lot. He called me a lot / texted when he was down, having anxiety, or frustrated. When he called at those times, I felt like he was dragging me down again and putting the weight of his problems on my shoulders, which I didn't want. I wanted him to see him as a strong person, as a functioning man who could take care of himself. It didn't mean I didnt' miss him or love him still, but I told him no more and not to call me until things were better, that he needed to lean on his friends and family right now and that I couldn't be his crutch anymore. We stopped talking for almost 3 months at that point (beg. of Sept).

 

He initiated contact about a month ago and we've been texting / talking on the phone since then. We discussed trying to see if we might rebuild our relationship and I was really excited about it. I had no idea how much i still love him. He has since shot the idea down and the last I heard from him was a text yesterday morning saying "I will always love you and always want happiness for you." I now feel like we just broke up. It's 6 months later and I feel like he just left our home all over again. I can't breathe, I can't eat, I can barely get out of bed, I've barely left my apartment. I am majorly depressed and I can't stop crying. I saw a future with him and now that chance is gone. I never thougth he would change his mind about wanting a life with me. I am devestated. I should be over him at this point, but I am very much not. My heart feels like it is going to break in two and I just don't know how to go on.

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Look at it from his point of view:

He needed to move home to get his life together... you were furious.

He proposed... you declined.

He called to lean on you...you told him to man up and lean on others.

 

Three months pass in silence.

 

He texts...and realizes that he is over you.

And you realize maybe he was the one. But for the past 4 months you were enjoying your freedom. So...maybe he wasn't the one?

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You went out for FIVE years, it's only been half a year post BU...I think you're expecting too much of yourself. If you got over it in 6 months, I would think you probably wasn't emotionally invested at all. I think this whole healing process is going to take you AT LEAST a year to feel better and maybe more than a year and a half to be completely over it. Take it one day at a time.

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I know how much of a burden it can be to carry the weight of someone else's problems on your shoulders. And I understand not wanting to accept his proposal when he was a mess financially and emotionally. But at the same time, the economy is terrible and jobs are scarce. Not having funds for food/rent take an emotional toll, no matter how strong you are. He is a man and probably felt like a total failure for not being able to provide. Who wouldn't be an emotional mess, depressed, angry, crying, etc? I don't believe in kicking someone when they are already down. It wasn't his fault that he couldn't find a job in the city you were both residing in, but he "manned up" and did what he had to do for survival - which was move away for employment. When he began to work and got his confidence back and shiiit together, he saw you in a different light - maybe as someone who won't be there for better or worse.

 

One of my coworkers was in a similar situation with her (now) husband, then-boyfriend. he lost his job in 2009 and had to quickly sell his condo, sports car, boat. He took a huge loss on his condo, but at least he didn't have to foreclose. Her family was worried about her marrying him because he was turning in to a recluse + depressed, moody, poor hygiene He went from Riches to Rags and it was very obvious that he was spiraling downhill. He was always a -together man, so this was a big change. She stuck with him and they lived like college kids, eating Ramon Noodles, shopping at 2nd hand stores, etc. A couple years of this, and he landed a great job as VP of a hospital. They are now married and volunteer like crazy at a local homeless shelter.

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Agree...my bf asked for a break to get his finances, health, etc in order back in 2010 after a year and half together. I said yes....and he came back 3.5 months later and thanked me for respecting his need to be able to come to the table as a equal partner.

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Hello!

 

My story is long, but I'll try to summarize succinctly. My ex and I were together for almost 5 years, and broke up in June due to him not being able to support himself and going through major depression, anxiety and anger. He announced one day that he was moving back home (another state) and had already been talking to friends about jobs, places to live.

Ok stop here for a second. You and your ex boyfriend broke up because he couldnt support himself and tried to make his best of a bad situation by moving back home? What?

 

I was furious and we had been having problems for a while, and I knew this was the only way for him to get his life back on track so I let him go.

Again, what!?

 

He proposed to me before he left, and I said no (there was no way I could have said yes in that situation)

What!?!? Why not!?

 

and then he told me he was going to get his life back on track so we could have a future.

Honestly, sounds like a man trying to make the best of a bad situation.

 

As much as I love(d) him, I needed him to go and fix himself. I cried a lot when he left, but afterwards decided it was a good time to focus on making myself happy again, as a lot of years were spent worrying about trying to help him solve his issues.

Alot of years? How long?

 

I started feeling better slowly, and was reconnecting with friends, exercising a lot, going out and doing things I enjoy, and just living. I felt like i was getting myself back again. We were still talking, but not a lot. He called me a lot / texted when he was down, having anxiety, or frustrated. When he called at those times, I felt like he was dragging me down again and putting the weight of his problems on my shoulders, which I didn't want.

I dont think you are going to be getting much sympathy here...

 

I wanted him to see him as a strong person, as a functioning man who could take care of himself. It didn't mean I didnt' miss him or love him still, but I told him no more and not to call me until things were better, that he needed to lean on his friends and family right now and that I couldn't be his crutch anymore. We stopped talking for almost 3 months at that point (beg. of Sept).

Ok, so hang on a second. You want him to be something, essentially for you. But you will offer him no support to do that? So far, you are lucky if this guy is still talking to you. I havent even read that far yet...

 

He initiated contact about a month ago and we've been texting / talking on the phone since then. We discussed trying to see if we might rebuild our relationship and I was really excited about it.

The relationship, that by my understanding you literally threw under a bus.

 

I had no idea how much i still love him. He has since shot the idea down and the last I heard from him was a text yesterday morning saying "I will always love you and always want happiness for you." I now feel like we just broke up.

Good, I genuinely hope he has found someone who will emotionally support him.

 

It's 6 months later and I feel like he just left our home all over again. I can't breathe, I can't eat, I can barely get out of bed, I've barely left my apartment. I am majorly depressed and I can't stop crying. I saw a future with him and now that chance is gone.

No you didnt. You rejected his proposal. He put everything out there for you and proposed and you said no. You literally shot the mans hopes and heart down and why? Because he wasnt making enough money?

 

I never thougth he would change his mind about wanting a life with me. I am devestated. I should be over him at this point, but I am very much not. My heart feels like it is going to break in two and I just don't know how to go on.

Why wouldnt he? Of course I dont know the full story, but from what you have told us you spurned him many times and he just got sick of it. If you want this man back, in all seriousness, start grovelling.

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