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Is it worth another shot or time to move on?


jGrace712

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I met my now ex boyfriend in March of this year through mutual friends at a party. We are both 21 Ive lived most of my life in Ohio and he is originally from Florida and currently living here in Ohio for school. From the moment we met he's felt pretty strongly about me and pursued me rather aggressively. I was a bit reluctant at first because I tend to be commitment shy at times. However I was attracted.to him and admired the effort he put in to win me and we had a strong connection from the beginning. we were living together about 4 months into the relationship and shortly after I moved in the first incident happened where I discovered inappropriate texts between him and another girl so I immediately ended the relationship only to forgive him a few weeks later only for it to happen again with a different girl a couple months down the road and after relentless apologizing and pleading I gave him another chance. Things were going smoothly until there was an instance where he found out I had texted a guy that I was attracted to before id met him and said happy birthday and a few other slightly flirty texts that had upset him and I understood so I apologized and cut the other guy out of the picture. I thought that was the last of it until I recently discovered texts that he tried to delete on his phone calling another girl drop dead gorgeous and asking if he could take her on a date. By this point i know its gotten out of hand so I packed all of my stuff and moved back into my parents and told him we should go separate ways. Its been two weeks now and he has been making a monumental effort to get me back once again. He has been apologizing every single day and has even tried patching things up with my parents and I can tell he's swallowed his pride a lot since we broke up. I know that a lot of the issues we've had have to do with his lack of self-esteem(though outwardly he appears self assured and maybe even arrogant). And as furious as I am at him I understand that at times I can be emotionally distant to the point where it pushes him away and although I know its not acceptable for him to seek acceptance from other girls to compensate for it I still cant deny the fact that my own issues(particularly relating to sexual and physical abuse I endured as a child) have an effect on the situation and I cant pretend that Ive been the most emotionally devoted girlfriend. At this point I am torn because though a part of me feels this is the last straw, another part of me has a small inclination to think he could change. Since we've broken up he has started seeing a therapist to address his issues(he has concerning issues with codependency towards me) and wants me to attend a session with him and I just cant decide. I know it took a lot for him to show such humility and go to counceling on his own but im still afraid it would only be a temporary fix and months or years down the road these issues could creep back and tear us apart again. This time is particularly stressful because we had originally planned to spend a week in Florida with his family for New Years and his family still has hopes that I might make it down there and that my ex and I can work through our issues. What I cant decide is wether we could ever have a healthy relationship seeing as we both bring our share of issues to the table. From the beginning he has always moved mountains for me and goes to extremes to keep me happy, which I know has a lot to do with his codependency issues and regardless of our issues I still love him. I just dont know wether we have anything worth saving at this point and there is immense pressure to make a decision to start fixing things before the holidays. At the same time his insecurity, jealousy, and codependency coupled with my emotional detachment makes me feel hopeless. The only thing that gives me hope is his effort to see the therapist and even then Im still conflicted. a part of me feels like months is too short of a time to be experiencing these issues early and and 21 is too young to have to deal with these type of relationship problems. I have gone on a date with someone else in the meantime just to see if its possible to feel anything for someone else and I find myself really attracted this other guy(the one I had texted while I.was with my ex) but feel as though my judgement is clouded so I want to figure out where my ex and I stand before dragging someone elses feelings into the mess. Is there even anything worth salvaging at this point with my ex? Can therapy be more than just a temporary fix? Thank you for any input and I apologize for the excessive amount of information.

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I wouldn't give him another chance if I were you. He has shown you many times over that he is unfaithful. I don't care what the issues were, don't try to blame yourself or minimize what happened. Regardless of what the issues were, a person of integrity tries to fix the relationship or ends it before moving on with another girl, texting them and trying to take them out on dates. BTW, insecurity and jealousy are often indicative of cheating.

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No, it's not worth another shot. You should see by now there is a clearly established pattern here: he pursues you aggressively until you give in, he then seems happy for a while, then you catch him cheating on you and yes if he's making dates with other girls he is either cheating or fully intent on doing so the moment you are not around and he can get another girl to drop her underwear for him. You then break up, rinse, repeat. But nothing ever changes, does it?

 

My ex was one of these, he got six chances before I had enough. Three years later he still periodically begs for me to come back, but I have serious problems believing it's anything but some kind of Fed up game or he's really that mental, since he did the same thing to two other women after me. For some people the thrill of the chase is really what they're after and they act like it's a drug. They lie, cheat, hurt people and more all to get the high and the validation from "I am going to chase until she/he says yes, because that's the only time I feel alive and worth anything." Oh and by the way, they aren't thinking about the people they supposedly "want" or "love" at all, because if they were and it was all sincere they wouldn't keep doing it.

 

It's already three times, tell him he had three tries to get it right and he couldn't even keep his thoughts off other females long enough to do that. Also his family trying to change your mind--big, big, big red flag that they cater to him and try and step in to clean up his messes wherever possible if he whines and cries to them. That will also come back to bite you in the A**. One other thing, I thought it was the height of hypocrisy and double standard that he got mad at you for texting a guy that you knew BEFORE you were ever with him. And how he made you feel guilty for it. Talk about projecting onto others the things you do yourself. It's not that he was jealous, it was "Uh-oh, I know if I text a chick I'm going to keep after her to cheat, even if I have a GF. So I just bet she's gonna do the same to me." That's why you see that double standard of you better not have any men around you, but he will still go off and pursue other women. He's a cheater, in his mind everyone cheats or that's what he tells himself to try and justify his actions.

 

Ask yourself why you would even tolerate any of this and no it isn't love that keeps you coming back for more punishment. If it was you'd have just said, "Well I love him, but there's no way I'm putting up with that. I'll find someone else to love instead when I'm healed." Seriously, stop thinking that just 'cause he cries crocodile tears and aggressively pursues you that it's about anything but the game of proving to himself that he's something special when you cave and come back. Besides he likes having a woman in hand while he's chasing others, he needs that, and you have said yes three times to it so in his universe you are perfect for that. So expect him to do that to you from now on.

 

I just don't think it's what you want though is it? But it's all you're going to get with this one. Sorry, I've been there and the only way out is to give them the heave-ho. It's just who they are..

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Also the therapy is likely a ruse. Worse, he'll drag that excuse out as yet another reason for you to come back each time, likely blaming the last therapist for not having been able to "fix" him. So he'll keep going to see a therapist each time until you say yes, then watch as he suddenly has excuses not to go... you leave then suddenly magically that therapist couldn't help, but this one over here surely will if only you'll.... you get the idea. Also again I notice there is him complaining about things you do that cause him to act out, which means in reality he's taking zero responsibility and is looking to pin his behaviors onto other things and people. Counseling won't change that and worse it sometimes feeds it since now the person uses it to feed his or her perception of themselves as misunderstood victims when the truth is they don't care if they hurt others, or worse they like it.

 

Again, the voice of experience speaking here. Just dump the whole mess and run, that's all I'm going to say about it from here on out.

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