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How does Emotional Bagagge affects Dumpers in their current R/S?


jonyyy

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Hi all, been reading a lot of relationship stuff lately (as I recently experienced being dumped out of the blue) and I this seems to be a pretty common advice:

 

- If you're dumped, don't jump into another relatioship right after due to emotional baggage. Heal first.

 

But why is it that the dumpers do this all the time and get away with it? Why this peace of advice seems to be aimed only at the dumpees? Are dumpers not affected by emotional baggage in their current relationship (which transitioned from the cheating affair)??

 

If they dumped the long term R/S with you for someone else, do they still carry any kind of emotional bagagge?? What kind?

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Get away with what?

 

Dumpers do it because they have emotionally checked out of the current relationship with you for months/weeks ahead of time. They may even have lined

up the next person.

 

If the person was already cheating with the next....then their emotional baggage is a mess to begin with.

 

No one gets away unscathed. The bigger picture is to stop worrying about what the dumper is or is not experiencing and heal thyself.

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Get away with what?

 

Dumpers do it because they have emotionally checked out of the current relationship with you for months/weeks ahead of time. They may even have lined

up the next person.

 

If the person was already cheating with the next....then their emotional baggage is a mess to begin with.

 

No one gets away unscathed. The bigger picture is to stop worrying about what the dumper is or is not experiencing and heal thyself.

 

Get away with being so happy, passionetly and commited with the new relationship.

 

She cheated for almost two months before dumping me. So she used this time to check out of our relationship while cheking in passionetly with the affair and then just segway into the full new relationship status after dumping me. Is that how it works?

 

PS: she didn't check out of our relationship before the cheating, at all.

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My ex who broke up with me said our breakup was one of the hardest things she's ever gone through. Meanwhile she was lining up a guy the entire last month, then moved right into seeing him after we broke up. This was after she told me multiple times she just needed to be alone to focus on herself, and was going to completely avoid him and not pursue him.

 

Although I'm trying not to care, I have a feeling she brought a hefty bag of emotional baggage into that one. She knows she lied to me. She betrayed another friend too, and knows it's been a mess from the start. She brought in on herself. I'm finding it easier to move on now after seeing this ugly side of her.

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Your still dealing with the pain and anger of being cheated on, of having trust betrayed.

 

She didn't feel any of that. Trust me, if she cheated, she checked out. You just didn't know it.

 

I already forgave her and made peace with what she did. I can't change that. Just remembered to ask that yesterday in the forum.

 

She didn't checked out at the time she cheated because:

 

- She said she didn't.

- She was totally caught off guard and never imagined my life without her etc.

- She got depressed and very disapointed at herself etc. I witnessed that but it was only affecting her life outside the new relationship, i.e. smoking and drinking a lot, struggling with work, feeling sad without him.

 

But the new relationship was perfect, in fact, she told me that it was the only place where all her problems vanished, where she felt good, peace, it was her bubble. You can read more on my OP thread here.

 

So no emotional bagagge on this one lol. But I'm not trying to find answers for myself, just to understang more about how this all process of cheating and dumping for someone else and carry on a happy relationship works. Maybe the emotional bagagge only comes after the infatuation phase goes away?

 

@ leo9 I don't want to sound rude but I think you (we) assume that for self conforting. At least I initially thought of that in those terms.

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You haven't forgiven her, nor made peace with it --- or you wouldn't be so focused on what her emotional baggage is or isn't.

 

She didn't check out...because she said she didn't. Yeah -- and she has a lot of credibility.

And all of her problems have mysteriously vanished....yup, that is believeable.

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You haven't forgiven her, nor made peace with it --- or you wouldn't be so focused on what her emotional baggage is or isn't.

 

She didn't check out...because she said she didn't. Yeah -- and she has a lot of credibility.

And all of her problems have mysteriously vanished....yup, that is believeable.

 

I'm not focused, I thought of that a lot 2 months ago when this drama happened. Not anymore, but I found this great forum recently, have been exploring it and remember to ask this for brainstorming and personal growth. You don't have to believe me.

 

So the general consensus is that cheating dumpers don't carry emotional bagagge to the affair R/S because they used the cheating time to check out, is that it?

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In a nut shell, yes.

 

In reality --- their cheating ways is their emotional baggage. But I digress.

 

For your purposes --- your ex is taking the free ride about her "baggage" with you and the old relationship because she checked out way before she dumped you.

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She didn't checked out at the time she cheated because:

 

- She said she didn't.

- She was totally caught off guard and never imagined my life without her etc.

- She got depressed and very disapointed at herself etc. I witnessed that but it was only affecting her life outside the new relationship, i.e. smoking and drinking a lot, struggling with work, feeling sad without him.

 

She is either lying, or you are in denial, or both.

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Hi all, been reading a lot of relationship stuff lately (as I recently experienced being dumped out of the blue) and I this seems to be a pretty common advice:

 

- If you're dumped, don't jump into another relatioship right after due to emotional baggage. Heal first.

 

But why is it that the dumpers do this all the time and get away with it? Why this peace of advice seems to be aimed only at the dumpees? Are dumpers not affected by emotional baggage in their current relationship (which transitioned from the cheating affair)??

 

If they dumped the long term R/S with you for someone else, do they still carry any kind of emotional bagagge?? What kind?

 

Just because dumpers do the dumping doesn't mean they're getting away with anything. They just avoid dealing with their issues until they're old and too damaged for any good use. They become tragic because they're locked in a cycle of emotional stupidity for never having taken the time to learn anything about how they acted.

 

The baggage they may be carrying is the inability to be emotionally vulnerable, never having the ability to learn to trust themselves and their own judgment--and that mess gets old after a while. People who are emotionally stunted generally speaking are emotional drains and they suck the life and good will out of everyone they come in contact with eventually.

 

Sorting out one's emotional baggage is the best thing one can do for oneself, emotionally. It helps one to know how to spot an emotional drain at 500 paces; they can read the signs and interpret them--and thus avoid BS that the unenlightened dumper will take a lifetime figuring out.

 

I speak in general terms, of course. Your mileage may vary.

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So the general consensus is that cheating dumpers don't carry emotional bagagge to the affair R/S because they used the cheating time to check out, is that it?

 

No, there is no consensus as we are all people, and as such we all have different ways of processing our emotions.

 

Why are you attempting to rationalize this?

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In a nut shell, yes.

 

In reality --- their cheating ways is their emotional baggage. But I digress.

 

For your purposes --- your ex is taking the free ride about her "baggage" with you and the old relationship because she checked out way before she dumped you.

 

 

Alright that's my conclusion too. She mourned and checked out of our relationship during the cheating time. And the infatuation for the other guy probably made that process a lot faster for her.

 

So if I were to become infatuated and jump into other R/S before healed, wouldn't that help me to "check out" and heal faster? Why doesn't it work both ways? The principle is the same, you fall in love for someone, you're corresponded = you check out from your previous R/S or feelings remaining.

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There wasn't any mourning. She got tired of the relationship with you....and began looking around. She seemed happy to you, right?

Because she was window shopping for a new bf and still pretending to be with you.

Then, she found the new guy, packed her bags and moved on.

 

Happy as a clam. A mindless clam.

 

You can't "check out". The hotel closed. You are just standing in the street. Looking at the ashes. And being sad.

No one is offering for you to come in out of the cold. So, if you are smart, you start walking towards your future.

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Alright that's my conclusion too. She mourned and checked out of our relationship during the cheating time. And the infatuation for the other guy probably made that process a lot faster for her.

 

So if I were to become infatuated and jump into other R/S before healed, wouldn't that help me to "check out" and heal faster? Why doesn't it work both ways? The principle is the same, you fall in love for someone, you're corresponded = you check out from your previous R/S or feelings remaining.

 

No. You're comparing apples and oranges.

 

You're operating from a place of hurt and need for revenge and that's unfair to bring that energy into a new relationship for someone completely unrelated to your previous relationship to carry or deal with.

 

You have to sort your head out, first, so that you are completely open and willing to be emotionally vulnerable enough to let someone else in. What you propose is not that. You're starting out from a place of lack and you will become an energy drain if you don't sort out your head first.

 

However, if you want to run headlong into something and be ok with hurting that person because you're not emotionally ready to be who they need for you to be, then it'll just be baggage that will wait on your to sort through when you've gone through your umpteenth failed relationship.

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There wasn't any mourning. She got tired of the relationship with you....and began looking around. She seemed happy to you, right?

Because she was window shopping for a new bf and still pretending to be with you.

Then, she found the new guy, packed her bags and moved on.

 

Happy as a clam. A mindless clam.

 

You can't "check out". The hotel closed. You are just standing in the street. Looking at the ashes. And being sad.

No one is offering for you to come in out of the cold. So, if you are smart, you start walking towards your future.

 

This wasn't the case, she didn't look around and wasn't bored. We were happy and commited but I know you won't believe me and will say that I'm in denial, that I don't have the distance to realize it etc. That's ok and maybe I really am

 

I'm posting all these questions because:

 

1. I want to understand how dumpers "think" and act.

2. I want to be able to identify if the next person in my life has this kind of bagagge.

3. I want to be able to know if and when I'm ready to another R/S.

 

No, there is no consensus as we are all people, and as such we all have different ways of processing our emotions.

 

Why are you attempting to rationalize this?

 

I'm learning as I go. I've never been in this situation, just exploring all points of view, getting to know what is said about this subject and trying to grow.

 

@ Kendahke, thanks, good food for thought. When you say "ability to be emotionally vulnerable" you're referring to one's ability to falling and truly loving again?

 

How do you see if someone has sorted out his emotional bagagge from past R/S?

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You are in denial. Happy, committed couples to not break up and one of them runs into the arms of another. You might have been happy...she wasn't.

 

People with no baggage do not talk about their ex's, are not overly clingy in the relationship, realize that both people need to have.lives separate from the relationship.

 

They treat their love interest with respect and trust. Just because their ex cheated on them, they do not place those behaviors on the new interest. They walk into the relationship with experience and yet a clean slate...accepting that each person is unique.

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You are in denial. Happy, committed couples to not break up and one of them runs into the arms of another. You might have been happy...she wasn't.

 

She was truly happy, in fact we were better than ever (this is not my perception, it's her words and actions in the months before the cheating). Also, you don't need to be unhappy to cheat.

 

People with no baggage do not talk about their ex's, are not overly clingy in the relationship, realize that both people need to have.lives separate from the relationship.

 

They treat their love interest with respect and trust. Just because their ex cheated on them, they do not place those behaviors on the new interest. They walk into the relationship with experience and yet a clean slate...accepting that each person is unique.

 

Alright, thanks, will try to remember that when the time comes.

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@ Kendahke, thanks, good food for thought. When you say "ability to be emotionally vulnerable" you're referring to one's ability to falling and truly loving again?

 

No, I'm referring to one's ability to be emotionally vulnerable, just like I wrote.

 

How do you see if someone has sorted out her emotional bagagge from past R/S?

 

when they're not keeping you at bay

when they're not saying "I love you, but I'm confused..."

when they're saying "I want to be in your life/be a part of your life"

when there is no one else that they're running to to share intimacy with, like an ex

when they have no need to flirt with other guys or be the center of attention of other guys

when their words and their actions match up and stay consistent

when they say what they mean and mean what they say

when they treat with you with transparency and honesty

when they enforce respect boundaries with other guys and will not put up with them disrespecting what they have with you

when they are not afraid to put their friends in check when they disrespect you and/or your relationship

when they've spent a good chunk of time since the last relationship sorting out their head and heart so they're not making the same stupid mistakes and choices over and over

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She was truly happy, in fact we were better than ever (this is not my perception, it's her words and actions in the months before the cheating). Also, you don't need to be unhappy to cheat.

 

That's a lie. People cheat because they feel that they're owed something they're not asking for from their main partner. A person who feels they're owed something isn't a person who is happy. If they were happy, there would be absolutely no need to look elsewhere. No one who is satisfied and content cheats. Think whatever you want, but you really need to give up the ghost of this myopic mindset you're desperately clinging to.

 

She could not have been truly happy if she bounced so easily from you to another guy's bed. She would not have been able to have been moved or to bend her mind in anyone else's direction if she was "truly happy". Someone who cheats and lies in your face for two months, leading you to believe something they know is a lie when they look you in the eye is a miserable human being, not a happy one.

 

What she was was a master manipulator who knew how to play you out, which she did---and her game is so epic that you're still trying to convince yourself of stuff that isn't even real in this universe. Meanwhile, she's with another man.

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We're explaining to you how dumpers think. You don't want to believe it happened to you.

 

There has been many studies that show that men cheat for sex, women cheat to fill an emotional void. Reason it away all you want, and none of us know what her thoughts were, but it happened.

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Thanks for all the inputs fellows.

 

@ Kendahke I'm not clinging to anything. I don't even try o rationalize it anymore. As I said, I forgave her and accepted what happened. Like I said before, I'm moving on and focusing on myself now, hence all the questions about emotional bagagge and the different ways it affects dumper and dumpee. This is about me, not her or what happened.

 

I could write a big post about our relationship, the circunstances and the events that took place, you would see that things weren't at all like you suggest in your post (which is understandable as you don't know the picture). But I'm done dwelling on the past and it wouldn't bring me anywhere.

 

As for this:

 

That's a lie. People cheat because they feel that they're owed something they're not asking for from their main partner. A person who feels they're owed something isn't a person who is happy.(...)

 

I've came accross people in my life that cheat because they just have low standards. Others do it because of "the game". Others because they "loved two people". Etc. It doesn't mean they weren't happy when they did it. They are who they are.

 

EDIT: btw can you explain me what the state of being "emotionally vulnerable" mean and consists of?

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Hi all, been reading a lot of relationship stuff lately (as I recently experienced being dumped out of the blue) and I this seems to be a pretty common advice

Learning experience mate. You learn alot about yourself when you are dumped.

 

- If you're dumped, don't jump into another relatioship right after due to emotional baggage. Heal first.

Ah well that depends on how you 'define' jump. Some people never truly get over their ex, especially if its their first love. But all relationships end for a reason. You cant always surmise what it was at first but in time you will.

 

But why is it that the dumpers do this all the time and get away with it?

Ah but they dont. You assume the dumpers have the power because you gave them it. They do not. Allow me to tell you a brief story. I have never dumped, but I have been dumped. Everytime I learn something about myself and work on improving myself. The ones who dump me? They dont experience that. They dont get that self improvement period. Yes, sometimes I fall into old habits, but I know where that leads me and I try correct it. Being emotionally damaged by another is one of the best learning experiences you will ever have. It teaches you more about yourself than you could ever imagine. It teaches you, at the end of the day, that you are the most important. In the words of a song I really love. "just be true to yourself, if it lands you in hell, well at least now you know".

 

Why this peace of advice seems to be aimed only at the dumpees? Are dumpers not affected by emotional baggage in their current relationship (which transitioned from the cheating affair)?

Cheating is awkward to explain. It really depends on the situation. The answer to your question is both yes and no.

 

If they dumped the long term R/S with you for someone else, do they still carry any kind of emotional bagagge?? What kind?

Again, depends.It is yes and no. As for what kind? Depends on the relationship and why it failed. There are so many reasons a relationship can fail and there are even more reasons why the outcome of the failure is the way it is.

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Thanks for all the inputs fellows.

 

@ Kendahke I'm not clinging to anything. I don't even try o rationalize it anymore. As I said, I forgave her and accepted what happened.

 

then stop trying to rehash all the reasons and stop asking us why she did what she did. Ask her if you need to know that badly. OR ask a therapist.

 

 

 

I've came accross people in my life that cheat because they just have low standards. Others do it because of "the game". Others because they "loved two people". Etc. It doesn't mean they weren't happy when they did it. They are who they are.

 

That is the text book definition of not being happy, if you'd stop for one moment to quit being so dash darn argumentative. A person who is happy with themselves does not cheat. Period. I"m not discussing this any further.

 

EDIT: btw can you explain me what the state of being "emotionally vulnerable" mean and consists of?

 

No. It means exactly what it says and I'm not getting into a protracted argument with you. Do some research if you need to understand that.

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