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Cant get over being dumped


Redsoxfan1

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Having a difficult time getting over break-up.

Quick back story:

We started dating a month after she got out of an engagement (2nd one). I moved in after 3 months and we got engaged 2 months later. Sounds more like infatuation than love.

We didnt spend much time together because of her job

I spent most of the time with her 2 kids. I did any and everything for her and the kids. She wasnt willing to sacrifice anything.

She complained about not getting to spend time with friends. I complained about not getting to spend time with her.

We started looking at houses, planning wedding...

She then dumps me saying she has feelings for someone else and its not fair to me. Also said she was afraid she would always wonder "what else is out there"

Said she was going to take time for herself but had a new guy over a week after dumping me.

 

I asked her if she ever really wanted to marry me. Her answer was " I wanted to want to marry you"

 

Anyone else ever heard this one before? So, now shes 28 and has been engaged three times (twice in a calendar year) and she has broken it off each time.

 

NC for 6 weeks but still struggling. I still have her up on this "pedestal" for some reason.

 

 

Grass is greener syndrome?

Commitment-phobe?

Emotionally Immature?

Narcissistic Personality?

All of the above?

 

Any advice would be great...im sure im better off without her. Just cant convince myself.

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Take a sledgehammer to that pedestal and quick. Never build one for anyone who 2 months prior got out of an engagement. They have not processed their break up and are using you as a means to distract themselves from feeling what they need to be feeling. She may be one of those people who is afraid of her own feelings and will never allow herself to open up and be vulnerable to the point of letting anyone get that close to her.

 

You dodged a bullet. Be thankful.

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I was just searching the internet when i stumbled over this thread and I registered just to share my thoughts on your question/situation.

The reason for that is that I have been in a very similar situation and I have been reflecting on it for some time. I dated a woman for 3-4 years and helped her take care of her brothers to small daughters (because he had moved overseas). She also had just got out of an engagement when i met her and she also ended the relationship in a somewhat cold manner and said very similar things to those you described your ex saying and just seemed to go on with her life as if nothing had happened.

 

Well here it comes. Most people will tell you that she is selfish and immature but I've met many of these women and honestly I just think they are confused and practical at the same time. They don't know what they want so they get in and out of relationships with different guys without any reflecting period. They don't think about what went wrong and therefore they don't learn from their mistakes. The practical part of it which is actually a good thing is that when they realize they don't want to be in a relationship they just get out without much emotional damage. Unfortunately often not realizing the damage caused to the other half of that relationship.

 

I would say to you that you should struggle through these feelings you have without judging her or putting her up there on that golden pedestal and in time when you feel better you should really be glad you got out. Don't focus on what she did or why she did it or whether she's a saint or the devil. Just focus on you now. Since you wrote here because you're having a hard time moving on and since you willingly committed yourself to helping with her kids that just shows that you're a sensitive person who belong in a stable long term relationship. She was not the match for you. Just hang in there and get through this period of hurt.

 

I hope that helped a bit.

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I would say to you that you should struggle through these feelings you have without judging her or putting her up there on that golden pedestal and in time when you feel better you should really be glad you got out. Don't focus on what she did or why she did it or whether she's a saint or the devil.

 

Agreed. I think you should focus on yourself. Why was your self-esteem so low to get into such a one-sided, rushed relationship?

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Thats the ironic part. My self-esteem had never been higher when I met her. I was just so "smitten" that I looked past a lot of red flags and focused way too much on physical attraction and actually, she was the one pushing marriage that quickly.

I dont mind anyone being "mean" on here. These are all things I need to hear.

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Who gets engaged 5 months after meeting and 7 months after breaking the previous (second!!) engagement without a proper time spent together. That is just alarming right away!

She used you as a free sitter for her kids, and she told you right away that she had feelings for somebody else.

Man, you deserve so much better! My best advice in situations like that is to start working out. It boost your self-esteem, it make you stronger and healthier, it gives you a reason to get out of your misery at least three times a week) Good luck!

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She has more red flags than the whole Russian Army has. I think she loves the chase, the hunt and the game. She captured your heart with no intention of ever marrying you. She might have told you she wanted to marry you but that's because its something you wanted to hear, and it wasn't going to hurt her by saying that. But honestly how were you different than the other two guys? You weren't.

Just be very thankful that you didn't get her pregnant or else you would be forever attached to her and owe her $$ for the next 18 years. Walk away knowing this is the best thing for you and wish this new guy luck, he is going to need it.

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Thats the ironic part. My self-esteem had never been higher when I met her. I was just so "smitten" that I looked past a lot of red flags and focused way too much on physical attraction and actually, she was the one pushing marriage that quickly.

I dont mind anyone being "mean" on here. These are all things I need to hear.

 

Trust me, red flags are on both sides.

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