I want her back

[Will89]

Okay, hi guys, this might be long, apologies in advance.

 

I'm from Ireland, my girlfriend was from California, she broke up with me 3 weeks ago and I haven't been dealing with it well. I should clarify that the distance factor wasn't an issue for her, and probably was more so for me due to my insecurities. She always said she's happy even if she doesn't see me, so long as I text her saying I love you or something similar.

 

Short version is, I was insecure, clingy and somewhat controlling, not overly so that I was telling her what to do, but it sparked a lot of arguments. Basically she's had enough.

We were together for three years, I met her on an MMO. Neither of us were doing anything in our lives at the time, so we played MMOs etc, were on Skype 24/7, even went to bed with our headsets on. She sent me a webcam so we could see each other, we made videos, sent photos, talked all the time. After a year and a half, I visited her for three months (maximum time of stay in the US as a visitor) during my summer break from University. I visited again this year during the summer too. We were both each others' first sexual partner, first real relationship despite me being 24 and her 27 (I was 21 and she 24 when we started.)

We really loved each other, we'd always prioritize our time together, planned to get married after we both started our careers, etc etc. I was always paranoid and insecure, particularly with other guys, like who is calling, who messaged you, I'd ask if there was someone else if ever she seemed annoyed at me, not want her to go drinking just in case.

Sad part is, she never actually gave me any reason for concern or doubt, she spent almost all of her time with me. After the first visit she started studying a year course for nursing, my insecurities just made it worse during this time, since she had other obligations to meet. Then after this visit, we both started working and my problems starting becoming really difficult for her, due to having to work on call hours, and not wanting to deal with drama coming home.

 

So basically, in the past few months after she and I started working, it became really hard for her. Every other day drama sort of thing.

 

Truth is, I was oblivious to it, I knew I didn't like certain things, and wished I did, but I never saw it as that important a thing to work on changing myself. Since breaking up, I'm really trying to fix myself, so if she gives me a second chance I won't blow it. I started therapy, my insecurities come from my upbringing, dad left at 7, mom died at 9, raised by my grandmother. She developed dementia and for three years I had no social life, just looking after her, then she died. I was depressed, borderline suicidal around then which is when I met my girlfriend. According to my therapy, it made me really insecure, confident people I love leave me, and I feel like it's true. She never gave me a reason to doubt her, but I'd always worry that SOMETHING would happen. My mind usually drifted to the most common things, like someone else, or losing interest, and I just never really relented or faced my problems. Every time something went wrong, and I got upset, I wouldn't let it go until I heard the right words, or right reaction. It was all stupid. Sadly I never looked at it like this at the time, it's only now after losing her that I see how petty and stupid I've been.

 

Our good times are great, I'm 100% confident if I had a more together childhood that she and I would still be together, we were incredibly close, talked 24/7 literally, for years, never ran out of things to say, never felt uncomfortable, meeting the first time was a dream come true, and I don't want these past demons to have ruined this, they've controlled me enough.

 

I want her back, is the short version. I've made it hard for her for a long time, I never acknowledged it being as serious as it was, and would give anything to try again. I'm actively trying to better myself so I don't hurt her again. I guess her real problem with trying again is two things, she doesn't believe that we would change, she thinks we'll always argue over this nonsense. Secondly, due to having these blemishes in our history, she doesn't want to try. It's like that's all she sees.

 

A few months ago we were still in love, we cuddled, had a sex life, enjoyed each others company. Now we don't, and I know it's early days yet, but I feel really lost without her, and regret having been like this, regardless of whether I had a choice or not. So what I'm asking is what I should do to get her to give me another chance. I don't want to hear that I should move on, it's her I want, and I know I would do it right if I had a chance to. I know I should give her space, and I've been failing at that, bugging her on Skype and such, trying to reason with her and plead with her. She ends up saying cold things, which at this point I'm hoping is just due to anger. Due to the long distance nature, I can't just visit her or ask to meet up. I'm aware of the no contact thing being an option, but I've been failing hard at that, always pleading with her, and I guess that's similar to trampling on how she feels. She says she doesn't want to try again, let's be friends, and says meaner things if I push and push, though that's always been how she was if I made her angry with no stopping.

But yeah, what should I do? I don't want to lose this one. She's very important to me, I'm committing 100% to changing myself for the better.

 

Thanks

[Twidom]

She broke up with you. "Changing" yourself with hopes that she will notice and will give you a second chance will do you absolutely no good. You need to change for YOU, not for HER. Otherwise you're not really changing anything, you're just disguising yourself Eventually things will go bad again and crumble like before.

 

If you really want to change, then do it. But for the right reasons.

[Will89]

Well that's the intent, I know that even if she doesn't take me back and one day I end up with someone else, the same problems will occur. So I'm working on myself regardless. I just want her though.

[lerenard]

Getting back together happens, but BOTH you and she should want that. She doesn't.

Its good you see your issues and you want to change them, so concentrate on that and move on.

You were together for 3 years. I think she DID try.

[Will89]

I know she tried. Im just looking for advice on what to do to get her back. She held on for a long time so its not that she didn't love me, i also know i may not get another chance. But ill do anything i can and hope.

[sharky988]

The only thing you can *do* is leave her alone, protect yourself by going No Contact (no online stalking), and see if she changes her mind over time.

 

Whether or not you change or improve yourself doesn't matter -- it's HER feelings that need to change or stay the same. Nothing you do will influence her feelings. The person who ends the relationship is the person who decides whether or not the breakup is permanent.

 

That's why it's best to try to just focus on YOU and your healing right now. Let her be, live your life, do the work to recover from this breakup. IF she changes her mind, she'll let you know.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed