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I need advice - age gap means very different pasts


Filistata

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Hey, so, I'm new, I really need advice on something, please be nice to me!

 

My boyfriend and I are about 7 years apart, he was my first relationship, first kiss, first time I even held hands with a guy (Don't let this make you think that I'm a little kid or something, I was also a rather late bloomer when it comes to this sort of thing...), and, as he's much older than me, I was far from his first anything. I was not his first serious relationship, not his first "I love you", not a single thing.

 

Also, I'm a bit more conservative about sex than he is, I made him wait until I was positive that he was serious, and that he meant what he said he felt about me. I would never have sex with someone unless I believed that I could spend the rest of my life with them, and believe it to be a very serious thing. He, on the other hand, has a past of random girls at parties, or girls he was only with for a few weeks/wasn't serious about, etc. I really don't care if someone wants to hook up, drunk, at a party. I have no problem if people want to do that kind of thing, and I know it's a common thing to do, however, in a boyfriend, that's not the kind of person that I'm really looking for.

 

We've been together for just over a year, there is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, I know that he respects me, that's he's serious about "us", and I love him to pieces. I know that I'm young and naive, but I take relationships very seriously, and I am fairly certain that he's the right guy for me. However, all this stuff in his past just won't stop bothering me. I can't stop wondering about it, how many girls has he slept with? Why did he do it if he says that sex isn't that important to him? If he can do that kind of thing outside of a relationship, could he do it outside of our relationship? Can someone like that really respect women? Does it make our relationship less special? I've tried talking to him about it, but he gets upset about it, and tells me that I shouldn't think of that kind of thing. I have to admit, I'm going a bit mental over it. I've picked up on every little bit of information he's given me and created a timeline in my head of everything, I look at his facebook to see if I can find out what his exes look like. I am very aware that I can get very possessive of people that are important to me, and I'm really trying to hold back in this case, but it's hard. It's been a year, it shouldn't matter any more. I think it's just because I have NOBODY in my past at all, I'd never even been on a single date before, so I find it very hard to comprehend how he can have past relationships and still care about me as much as I care about him.

 

Thanks for any advice that can be offered

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His past is his past. Its not like he was a serial killer or a sexual maniac. Yes, he was with others, yes, he had relationships before you - who are you to judge him for it?

what matters is that NOW and as you said for over a year NOW, he is with you, and he is serious about you. Stop sabotaging your nice relationship.

If you have issues with jealousy and possessiveness - its your problem, not his. Solve them before you lose a good guy.

Just because you have nobody in your past doesn't mean it is OK to snoop on your loyal BF and feel any less important for him. NOW is what matters.

 

I was the same with my current BF. Not because I had less of a past, but because our pasts were different. But it is like this all the time. Nobody lived YOUR life like you did, and because you guys are different - you came together. You are the one who should stop obsessing and relax.

 

It is also normal for young people to be random with their sex partners (not that I support that kind of attitude, but it is there in the world, and you wont change it, deal with it).

It is also considered OK to party in early 20, to hook-up and to experiment. SO when you are older you know what you want and what not. He chose you. Be happy. If he isn't showing any signs of abuse and he sleeps with you every night - what is there to worry about?

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darling you have to stop this , not just for this relationship , but for your whole life ...if this doesn't work out ( I hope it does) then you will be fighting the same battles ...what if you get to my age 47 , and are single , you will then be meeting men who not only slept with others but probably have been married and have children .

 

I can't stop wondering about it, how many girls has he slept with? Why did he do it if he says that sex isn't that important to him? If he can do that kind of thing outside of a relationship, could he do it outside of our relationship? Can someone like that really respect women?

 

I don't mean to sound unkind ...so take my words with the intent of me just helping you ....

 

It is none of your business what he did and who he did it with ..we cannot meet another human being and then go on to torture them for a part of their lives that is none of our concern ...he was free and had the right to do as he chose and he doesn't now need to be persecuted over this . You will push him away , I am telling you , I have dwelled on things in the past and nearly driven myself to madness ....

 

of course he respects women ..why wouldn't he ..I have had a shag fest in my life , I have the upmost respect for men ...even coming out of domestic violence ....I still have the upmost respect for men.

 

having slept with other women doesn't mean for one second that he cannot be faithful ..you just can't think like that ...just because he wasn't a virgin doesn't mean he will be disloyal to you ....that really is crazy darling ...honestly .

 

trust me

 

I am also not suprised that he doesn't like talking about it , you are making him suffer for his past , he must dread you starting these conversations , what do you want him to say ? you will be making him feel so uncomfortable and also it is like trying to shame someone because of the life they had before you , which as said ..is none of your business .

 

PLEASE don't be hurt by my words ..but I am telling you ..you have to change this mindset or you will push everyone you meet away.

 

so say you meet another man ..you are not a virgin...picture a new man now going on and on at you and presuming you wont be faithful , presuming you have no respect for men , grilling you about losing your v card , going on at you for details ....you wouldn't stay in that would you ?

 

this is about you ..not him ..he has just been busy living ..don't make him feel bad because he had a life before you .

 

hugs to you , I know what the mind can do to a person xxx

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hey, I think its because we have similar (well, almost!) time zones. )) we always post in this time of the day!

 

Anyhow, I was a rebel at 15-16-17, living with punks in abandoned factories and stuff, surrounded by guys (a lot older then me by the way) all the time. I had 4 boyfriends, one after another, all of them lasted like what... 2-3 months at the time? Still I was a virgin till my first (and the longest till now) relationship of 3 years. The guy had quite a past himself, and he shared some craziness with me too, still he ended up being abusive and drug addicted, while I finished school like a good girl, went to Germany to work with kids and struggling families, and here I am now, a Manager at 23, with a BF I love the most in my life. What I am trying to say is that you cant judge people based on their past. As the saying goes - every saint has a past, every sinner has a future.

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I guess I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that someone with a past of very short term relationships and one night stands can also be fully committed to a serious, long term relationship. I know that's stupid. I just can't seem to get it into my head and I don't know why.

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I guess I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that someone with a past of very short term relationships and one night stands can also be fully committed to a serious, long term relationship. I know that's stupid. I just can't seem to get it into my head and I don't know why.

 

oh darling ...I know ..I do ....I have done it ..wound myself up , thinking stuff , it rots your soul ....this is why I am trying to express to you so much that you have to try and change your mindset .

 

you are not alone , I have seen threads come and go on here with exactly the same ..there is a young man , hasnt posted for a while , he can't get his head round the fact his g/friend wasn't a v when they met .....20 pages on a thread and still he cannot get accept it ...it really is a shame when you have a good thing going with someone .

 

there are people on here who feel like you ...you're not stupid darling ...just try ...for you , for that peace of mind .

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OK, darling, let me tell you another story. There was a thread I started long ago (you can search for it and laugh at me, I was so angry back then ahaha), about how pissed I was about my BF`s ex that was his rebound, and they were drinking all the time, and the relationship was just for sex from the beginning, from his own words. STILL he told her (and she told him) he loves her, and called her baby and stuff, (they dated 3 months!) but with me he was just OK, nothing too sweet, no "I love you" till I beat it out of him in one of our fights about this topic, which I regretted SO much. Because he was taking it slow and being honest with me. He had another GF that was his longest relationship before me (the one before this rebound), and the one he said he really loved, still I was more concerned with that drinking hook-up girl.

And you know what? EACH relationship is different. What he had with some one-night-stand girl can never apply to what he has with you. So please stop killing the vibe with your worries.

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Thanks shooting star

I've never been a terribly emotionally healthy or stable person, I get that from my mom I guess. Something I've been fighting since I was pretty young. I always worry myself into ruining everything for myself. Makes it hard to be happy sometimes. I really will try. Thank you

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Thanks shooting star

I've never been a terribly emotionally healthy or stable person, I get that from my mom I guess. Something I've been fighting since I was pretty young. I always worry myself into ruining everything for myself. Makes it hard to be happy sometimes. I really will try. Thank you

 

me too ...it has taken me years to get a grip on some situations honestly , I think this is why I get so passionate about these subjects ..when you fall in love you want just THAT person ..having casual sex or lots of ex partners is not a testament to who you are when you meet that "one" (although to be fair to you , I know several people on here who do think it says what kind of person you are ...you might get those comments later ..but I am so against that mindset)

 

you said

 

. I always worry myself into ruining everything for myself.

 

oh god I can relate to that ...oh my .... damned jealousy and insecurity ..I don't even want to tell you some of the things that have ran through my head before hahah arrghhhhhhhh

 

you are absolutely lovely and honest and your b/friend is a lucky man .

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Normally it's guys that I see posting these threads about not being able to "get over" their girlfriend's past, but the issue remains the same.

 

His past, no matter what you think about it, obsess over or try do "discuss" with him, CANNOT be changed. He doesn't have a time machine, and he can't go back and alter any of it, so continually punishing him is only going to end up hurting you both and ruining the relationship. Honestly, what is there to be gained by "discussing" it over and over and over again? Seriously. It's no wonder he is getting upset - it is quite literally beating a dead horse. Do you want him to break down and tell you how wrong he was? Would that change anything? Would you ever truly believe it?

 

And most importantly - WOULD IT CHANGE ANYTHING?

 

The answer is of course, no.

 

And in terms of asking yourself how anybody can have a "wild" past and stay faithful in a relationship....it's not impossible because people change.

 

You said yourself that you are young so you haven't got as much experience. But everybody goes through different periods in their life where their needs are different. When I was in my late teens to mid 20s, I had no interest in a serious relationship. I even cheated on a boyfriend when I was 17 because I was young, immature and had no idea how to end it properly. I was busy focusing on my education so I had no desire to get into anything long term or serious. Still, I liked the physical connection and intimacy so I had a couple FWBs. Everything I did with them was 100% casual. I didn't have full intercourse with any of them, but I definitely had oral/foreplay, etc. and I treated it very casually. I did not place a heavy emotional emphasis on it and neither did they. I was happy with the arrangement.

 

Then, in 2006 I met my husband and things changed. We entered into a very serious VERY long distance relationship (he is from Scotland) and eventually we married and he immigrated here. I have never ever cheated on him, nor would I ever cheat on him. It would never even enter my mind. I take sex and our intimacy very seriously (despite our relationship being a bit unconventional in that regard). I am in a different stage of life now though. Who I was at 17 is totally different from who I am now.

 

And this is very likely the case with your boyfriend.

 

For your sake (and his) LET IT GO.

 

IT CANNOT BE CHANGED...but you can.

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It's not the age gap, it's a fundamental values difference. To you, sex is something special, to him it is casual. You don't have to embrace that behavior just bcause it's popular - there are other people out there with values like yours who I think you would probably find a relationship with much more natural feeling and right.

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I've had over 30 boyfriends, slept with over 35 men (some one-nighters), and never once cheated in my life, and I'm gaga for my hubby, and we have a beautiful awesome 20 month old boy together.

 

So pay attention to how your partner is to you - not what monster you are telling your mind that he is.

 

You are your own worst enemy here.

 

I haven't invented a time machine yet, but if I did, I still wouldn't have changed a thing in my past. I've had tons of fun living it up!

 

Another funny tid-bit. When my now husband and I dated when we were 18, I never slept with him. We broke up. And got back together 14 years later! So technically we waited 14 years - hahah

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I really don't understand your post- so because he has had past relationships and encounters he doesn't care about you? That makes no sense. The fact he has had sex out of a relationship is completely normal for men in particular (and pretty much all women).

 

Stop worrying about the past- he is with you now!

 

It is very unlikely for anyone and especially men to have had no previous partners

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  • 2 years later...

Hey, I have a similar problem. My boyfriend (37) and I (20) got together because my best friend introduced us. She met home at work (he was a customer). They ended up having sex before she introduced us. I have struggled for almost seven months now with wondering if they might get together again, especially because they are both my closest relationships. Sometimes this thought, and the thought that if this did happen I would lose both of them at the same time, has threatened to ruin both relationships.

 

What I have had to do is asleep myself (very seriously) whether or not his last with her, or with anyone for that matter, is more important to me than the future that he might have with me. If you ask yourself that question and you find out that his past is more important than your future together, then it is not fair to either of you to maintain your relationship knowing that it will make you doubt him and dout yourself.

If you decide his past is not more important, then you need to let him know that. Also let him know that you are bothered by some aspects of his past. Be vulnerable and try to explain your feelings and what you need from him in order to start to move past this.

 

Again, I have felt the same way you do. My boyfriend was not my first boyfriend, but he is my first love and my first partner.

 

One thing that I have found helpful in moving past your doubts about 'firsts' is finding out ways in which you ARE his first. Maybe try to go for picnic lunches of you like that, or walk barefoot in the grass at night, or drive out to some remote location and look at the stars. If he's never done that before, then his first time will be with you.

 

I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide.

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