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Why do his kisses leave me cold?


marriedlove

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I married the man of my dreams and we have had the most amazing four years, I was so in love with him. We got married almost two years ago after two years of courting and our sexual chemistry is slowly disappearing.

I realised yesterday that I felt absolutely nothing when he kissed me and when we got intimate. I feel so sad and bereft as our relationship was so passionate before, I feel like I have lost something special. I still absolutely love him to death but I feel nothing when we get close but I really want to. Why do I feel like I am kissing my brother when I kiss him now and how can I get that spark back?

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Im not married but here's my advice-

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than 2 years and our sexual chemistry has definitely depleted. I think it is normal after awhile to feel this way. In relationships, passion (sexual usually) peaks in the beginning then slowly goes down, intimacy gets progressively stronger, and commitment starts off low but then reaches a certain high point and stays there. Couples start to lose passion after about 1.5 years together. A healthy relationship consists of passion + intimacy + commitment (called "consummate love" see "Sternbergs model of love" for more details). The thing about passion is that it is associated with "newness". Do you still feel "hot" around him (and I don't mean sexually- I mean do you still have arousal in their presence- and again I do not mean SEXUAL arousal, just arousal/ excitement around him in general).

You need to not look at this as "oh no, he doesn't make me horny anymore, what do I do?". You need to see this as room to grow together and create new passions. Do things that spark each others fires. When's the last time you tried watching porn together?

There is this bull Western society ideal that is basically if you don't feel some sort of "spark" or something then you are not in love with that person anymore. The reality is people change and grow and feelings will also change along with that. Love is not some butterfly "feeling" we get in our stomachs when we look at our significant other. We only get this idea from the media portraying to us what relationships should be like (full of sex and stuff) when in reality, loving someone doesn't mean all those things.

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Thank you for your reply. I have read before that the passion dies down and that at most it lasts about 3 years which is what seems to have happened to us. We had almost daily sex up to a couple of months ago but this has quietened down a lot. He has put on quite a bit of weight and so have I and I don't know if that has had an impact on the situation. I love him very much and love spending time with him cuddling and hugging but there is just nothing there when we kiss. Our sex life was amazing but now I feel nothing at all while actually doing it and am really just waiting for it to finish, that sounds awful I know.

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Although I am not married, it sounds like you're in a slump. That it's a symptom of health (weight gain) or stress. You may be over thinking it a tad bad.

 

Start with good communication. Talk to him about how he feels. You won't hurt him compared to how big this could grow. The harder something is to talk about the sooner you should discuss it.

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He has put on quite a bit of weight and so have I and I don't know if that has had an impact on the situation.

 

Generally speaking this can have a huge impact on how sexual you both feel and your sex drive at large. You've both let yourselves go too much and that's not conducive to excitement in the bedroom. Time to shake things up. Relationships take work, they don't just cruise on their own indefinitely. Lots of relationships fall apart because people get too comfortable, let themselves go too much and stop making an effort to keep the fires burning.

 

By the way, I've never had sex life drop off or slow down. However, I like to do completely random unplanned things from time to time just to keep life interesting. Every so often you need to get back that feeling like you've just met.

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Join a gym together as well as a good weight loss programme that will teach you how to eat healthily once again. Its a lifestyle not a "diet" should be your moto... and get back down to your "bedroom weight." You don't feel sexy so you're not going to be wanting to be sexed. I'm sure he's probably in the same boat. Time to help one another get your mojo's back by supporting one another in your quest to eat healthy, have regular date nights (sitting on a couch all night and basically ignoring one another until bedtime isn't going to arouse your brain... where sexual response starts)

 

Make your first 10 pounds of lost weight a goal where you'll reward one another with an over-night stay at a nice spot that offers lots of activities throughout the day that will lead up to you wanting one another at night.

 

Good luck, let us know what weight reduction programme the two of you will join: Weight Watchers? Herbal Magic? Jenny Craig? (not a good one because you have to buy their pre-made food which gives you no skills on how to make your own good portioned, healthy meals)...

 

P.S. Join a co-ed sports team together.. that will get you both exercising and doing something together that will stimulate your senses for one another.

 

Lust only lasts for so long and then you have to go back to basics and start doing the things you did in the beginning that kept you wrapped up in one another once the day ended.

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