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Help me to understand why my bf looks up same 3 women?


carly08

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My boyfriend and I are 23/24. We've been together for 3 years now, and we are not officially living together, although we do spend 95% of our time together. He is working in his profession, and I am a student. Things have been good, we've had relationship ups and downs, but we are a generally happy couple. The last two years he has been working somewhere in our city, it is a members only country club. Since last spring, I've noticed while at his place ( he is very open about me using his laptop) that he has been searching for the same 3 girls on Facebook quite often. At first i brushed it off. Guys look at other girls. But I kept noticing it more and more coming up in his history. The same 3 names.

 

Naturally I was curious to know if there was anything else going on. I brought it up he brushed it off like they were just girls from work he didn't really know or ever talk to. I had to know, so I checked his Facebook. No messages, not "Facebook friends" with any of these girls. I Looked at his activity log, and what I found is he searches these same 3 girls, on a weekly basis. We spend almost all of our time together, and I've noticed a pattern in him looking these women up whenever we are apart. He doesn't add them, message them... sometimes he doesn't even look at their pictures. He simply searches their profiles. One of them is 6 years younger than us, the other is 5 years younger, and one of them he works directly with on a daily basis. None of them are as attractive as I am ( without trying to sound rude). We just celebrated our anniversary and he splurged on a gift and always tells me daily he loves me more than anything. We talk about the future.

 

What reasons would he have for constantly looking up the same girls? Sure, they are not bad looking girls by any means. I feel stupid for even feeling threatened. It is the frequency of which he searches for them that bothers me. I cannot understand the purpose. I don't know if I should be worried or concerned. If I ask him about it, I have to reveal that I looked through his facebok, which I am already feeling guilty for.

 

Help me understand please, this is someone who I consider to be the love of me life, and he has told me I am his. What gives? I simply don't feel the need to search for other men, If i do it is a one time thing.

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I look up my "friends" sometimes that I am no longer friends with. Just out of curiosity.

and one of them he works directly with on a daily basis maybe he knows them all from his job, just like he said.

Still it doesn't explain why he looks them up constantly and especially when you are away.

Do you have anything else going on in the relationship?

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I get that he may be curious, we've been together 3 years and we are starting to make larger plans for our future... I totally get that he will find other women attractive as it is only human nature. But if he see's them occasionally at work even for a minute then why would you need to be looking them up every single week? If not once, but twice even. As I said he seems to be just going on their profiles, he hasn't technically done anything wrong, he hasn't crossed a line as far as relationship boundaries go. He would never ever cheat on me, I know he feels strongly about that. Otherwise our relationship is great, not boring at all. Sex is great and very frequent, daily. We enjoy each others company and when we go out we have fun together. I am just unsure what it means that he is looking at these girls pictures constantly. Is he interested in them as more than work acquaintances? It just seems... a little obsessive. The only reason I would ever have for looking someone up so frequently in a relationship is if I was more interested in them than I should be while in a committed relationship. But he seems perfectly happy and expresses that he is quite often. I just don't know what to make of it.

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There is a reason for everything, I wont be able to accept this "I just go there" reason.

BUT if everything is good with you guys, and sex is regular, I wont stress and dig for something here.

Anyhow, as you said he just opens their account, and wont even go to pictures and so on. So he is doing nothing wrong, technically.

If you want to push this issue, tell him (as I understood you talked about it already?) that it makes you wonder, and though he does nothing bad, it is still strange for you to understand why he goes there so consistently and if he can please stop because it looks like an obsession? Do you think you will be able to have that kind of talk with him?

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I could talk to him about it, but I know he will feel as though I am not trusting him to be loyal towards me... Not only that, but I have been checking up on him, which is wrong. I don't look expecting to find anything more than him looking them up - I trust completely that he would not create an inviting situation with another girl. He could have very easily gone ahead and started an out of work friendship with these ladies, and he hasn't and highly doubt that he ever will. What would you assume or think if you SO was doing the same? Im trying my very best to have rational thoughts. He must find them attractive... why keep looking unless you're going to make a move. Unless he's fantasizing about them which is even more hurtful seeing as I am kind of a catch. I am usually full of self confidence and this is definitely hurting that. It's been going on since last May and it's really getting to me.

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I often look up ppl I work with though I'm not friends on FB with them in order to see what their up to their interests and so on in order to have an idea about them as a person. It allows me to be able to have good communication with them n just generally get to know them without quizzing them. I also just do it when I'm bored or people I know post funny stuff on their profiles

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I often look up ppl I work with though I'm not friends on FB with them in order to see what their up to their interests and so on in order to have an idea about them as a person. It allows me to be able to have good communication with them n just generally get to know them without quizzing them. I also just do it when I'm bored or people I know post funny stuff on their profiles

 

I think yes this is true.. but It is a little different with a guy repeatedly looking them up. 3 girls. always the same ones. every single week.

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I don't look expecting to find anything more than him looking them up - I trust completely that he would not create an inviting situation with another girl. that is your answer, OP.

 

I know he won't let anything come of it. But I still don't know the reasons for doing such a thing in the first place. I just wouldn't... I mentioned it to my mom because we are close and she thought it was weird as well. Can anyone give me an idea as to why you would be doing the same, if you were him ( or just a guy in a committed relationship in general)?

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we told you why we would do that. he can look them up every week to check on the up-dates that you see on the main Facebook account page. that can also explain why he never looks their pictures or else, because all the news are listed on the main page, so when he sees there is nothing new, he closes it.

I could talk to him about it, but I know he will feel as though I am not trusting him to be loyal towards me. but you are, aren't you? You say you are sure he is loyal, still you doubt it, or you wont be asking questions here about what his reasons could be?

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He's either attracted to them or reads their posts. Being attracted is okay/understandable you say. Reading their posts seems silly b/c he could just friend request them if they're work friends and their posts would come up in his feed.

The only real way to know is to ask him. If you trust him, then what you can do is...trust him.

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We all look up random people occasionally for no real reason other then curiosity. However, hes looking these girls up every week. You sound way too trusting to me tbh. "I know he would never..." etc how exactly do you know that. You need to spend 50 years with someone to know that for sure.. just saying. Dont give blind trust to anyone-ever

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We all look up random people occasionally for no real reason other then curiosity. However, hes looking these girls up every week. You sound way too trusting to me tbh. "I know he would never..." etc how exactly do you know that. You need to spend 50 years with someone to know that for sure.. just saying. Dont give blind trust to anyone-ever

 

I agree. Trust, but verify. Always.

 

OP you need to own your voice and ask him point blank what is up---or else stay off of this laptop if you can't handle knowing his activities.

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Hmm. OK I'll give you an example. I have a facebook friend who is male. I've never met him -many years ago he ran a singles group that I didn't attend but many of my friends did. I was on his e-mail list and when he friended me on Facebook I accepted (we have several mutual friends). I think his posts are so funny and often so interesting. Otherwise I probably would have de-friended him. My point is -if I wasn't friends with him on Facebook I probably would still look at his posts once or twice a week just for fun. I have absolutely no romantic interest in him. My husband doesn't know this guy's name (he sort of knows of him because I will sometimes read his posts aloud) so if he checked up on me in some way he would see me checking this guy's posts regularly.

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I look up people I don't even like when I feel like laughing at them because the things they put on Facebook are so embarrassing and ridiculous. I also look up a few exes once in a while just out of curiosity and to see how they're doing. What kinds of things do these girls post? I doubt he's lusting after them and jerking off to their pics if he's only looking at what they post and not their actual pictures. Remember, men are visual.

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I kinda feel like, if he wants to see their profiles/posts so badly... why not just friend them? Why would he have a reason not to? Do you maybe give him a hard time over female facebook friends so he feels he needs to hide it?

 

Well if he has a romantic interest in them it would be totally wrong of him to pursue them further by extending friend requests to them.

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We all look up random people occasionally for no real reason other then curiosity. However, hes looking these girls up every week. You sound way too trusting to me tbh. "I know he would never..." etc how exactly do you know that. You need to spend 50 years with someone to know that for sure.. just saying. Dont give blind trust to anyone-ever

 

Yup.

 

So more about the context here. Two of the girls he is looking up every week literally are girls; teenagers. The other, supposedly some woman he doesn't work with but just sees around at the club.

 

Nope, can't say I do that. In a relationship nor out of one.

 

You ever seen him interact with these girls at work?? Maybe he has a little fan club and he is following up on shots to his ego. Wants to know the best way to keep the attention going.

 

Back in the old days, if you wanted to stalk, you had to actually stalk with a little risk. He is cyber stalking them in a common way, but I s till think it is weird too.

 

It's a bit grosser to me that two of them are teens. What does he need to be stalking teenagers profiles for - unless he is a parent lol.

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Thank you. Finally someone seeing it the way I do. I just don't understand, if he is so happy with me and we are going on two big vacations... what the hell.

 

Girl, just ask him already. Admit the fact that you don't trust him, and your relationship is not all perfect, nobody's is. You tell us that you believe him and you are sure he will never ever ever do something like that, and then you are relieved when someone tells you he is probably cheating or else? Come on...

If you check his history anyway, because you have doubts and you think he is up to something, stop torturing yourself and ask him for a normal explanation. And yes, he will understand that you snooped. There is no other way around it. Don`t lie about how you found it, you already confronted him about these girl before.

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