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She sends a text and now I feel like I want to puke...


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My day started out pretty well - feeling much better than most (these days) - until she suddenly sends a text asking if her daughter could drop by to get all the digital family pics of the last eight yrs onto a thumb drive. Instant anxiety attack. Heart pounding in my chest and a complete inability to even effectively communicate with my coworkers. I thought my silence on her birthday + lack of response to the last two messages over the last 2-3 weeks (which were clearly meant as little pokes to get the door open enough to have a peak) were going to be the hint that finished this occasional reminder.

 

I instantly texted my best female friend (a very wise girl) with the contents of today's message and asked her to remind me that there is, once again, no possible good outcome in responding. She answers that "silence is golden." The stinkin' thinkin' kicks in and I'm asking why not at least answer in the interest of giving her these pics, as they are surely as important to her and her kids as they are to me and mine. My friend points out that the parts saying "I hope you're well" and "Please respond with a message so I know you're ok" are clearly showing the sort of interest that means that any reply will be opening a door to more communication.

 

Being a month into having been dumped, and having vaporized from her view for all intents and purposes, has been extremely difficult. Sometimes, despite the fact that she began cultivating the relationship with her "instant replacement man" while simultaneously distancing herself from our relationship, I find myself DESPERATELY wanting to grab her back. Sometimes I want to let her know that I know a HELLUVA lot more about how she secretly worked behind the scenes to set this guy up as her landing pad while keeping me for backup. Every day takes me to every imaginable extreme in my feelings and intentions. The only thing that remains constant is that, so far, I have kept completely quiet.

 

So a fresh text comes in today - one I didn't expect - and my mind begins to race. There is only one option for me besides disregarding her communication completely: I want to express to her what a miserable human being she is. This hatred is a big piece of my misery - I don't want to be a hateful man. It boils in me most minutes of every day. Even my going into "ghost mode" and eliminating all communication is rooted in evil - I want her to have to wonder why I refuse to take her bait. Maybe I'm extremely hurt. Maybe I killed myself. Maybe I hate her guts. Maybe I was so eager to help her gather her belongings and be flushed from my life because I was relieved to be rid of her. Maybe I'm just too busy and don't care. Maybe I'm relaxing and don't care.

 

The fact that her mind may be racing in 100 directions at once gives me my sense of revenge, the only one I won't regret (much).

 

I want so desperately to write her a message, though. I want her to know that, as I've spent the last 8 yrs rearranging my every move to cater to her jealousy, she's decided to finish us in the way that was her #1 most feared outcome from me: that I would abandon her for someone that I'd found who was a decidedly better option. All the days that I'd have to work on a Saturday and would get several days of cold shoulder because she was convinced I'd actually run off to sleep with some woman, all the mornings she'd actually wake up mad at me because she'd had a dream that I flaunted some new bimbo in her face, all the friends that I distanced myself from because she felt the threat that they would lead me back to reality. She took her very own fears and made them true for me. Become distant from me while talking to this new guy, with him commenting on old facebook pics of her with things like "BEAUTIFUL" and "Can't wait see that face in person" with her "liking" every one of them. The last month of our relationship saw almost as much interaction between them on social media as she and I had in person. She's become the very thing she despises, and I want her to know that I know. GOD, how I want to express this to her!!!

 

I don't know why I'm writing this (as usual). Consider it a rant. But I would like input from anyone who's toughed out this rant to its end.

 

Please slam me with all the reasoning I need to either a) write her a note surprising her with how much I know about how she's gone about this, or b) continue to stay dark and silent. I've agreed with my friend to let this lie until tomorrow to get some space and rest before making any decisions, but I feel like I'm leaning heavily toward sending a her a nice, concise bomb to let her know that I know exactly what she is and to ask her to lose my number once and for all. Much as I long for the her that I thought she was, I know that there is no possible way to accept her back into my life - this is not my aim. My aim is to get her to leave me entirely alone and to understand that her reckless decision + apparent attempts to keep me on the hook are at fault for causing such prejudice in me.

 

I have been very pleased with my complete silence so far. Shall I continue as such? Is there any real problem with letting her know that she's made herself dead to me and asking her directly not to ever bother me again. Please, those of you with your heads on straighter than mine (everybody), talk to me.

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I went through a break up similar to yours where my ex had a guy to fall back on, while simultaneously distancing herself from me and lying and cheating behind my back throughout. It was an extremely difficult breakup for me because i was in love with her but do you know what i regretted the most out of the entire break up mess? It wasn't that she never came back to me or anything like that (i could give 10 rats asses about her now to be honest with you, i just dont have an ounce of feeling for her anymore). My main regret was that i showed her that the break up affected me. That she brought out all the anger and hatred and sadness that i had inside and that she still mattered to me even though i didn't matter to her. THAT was what i regretted the most...that i threw away my self respect and dignity for someone who was not worth the time nor effort.

 

So my advice to you is, DO NOT send her any type of letter telling her how you feel about her (as right as you may be) If she really needs to get those pics, tell her to send her daughter at a specific time to get them but DO NOT i repeat DO NOT talk about anything else except the business at hand. Keep it short and to the point something along the lines of, "She can come on Tuesday at 10am". Then that's it! Do not say anything more! if she says thanks or anything like that, just do not respond, there's no need aside from what you already said. If she tries to start a conversation just end it on your end by not responding at all anymore. The point is, just show her that she means absolutely nothing to you and that you are moving on with you life. Trust me, when you look back at this you will be glad you walked away with your head held high. Good luck!

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Sorry but not had time to read any previous posts but for quite an image of what has gone on from this post x IF she is that intent on her kids having the pics don't act like the bad guy n just send her a message saying. I will sort out the pics and send them on to your kids as for your constant contact after this message I feel it should stop as I am totally aware of everything that went on and what you did disgusted me so I feel it best that everything is done and dusted so you have no need to contact me again. That way you can justify that you have not deprived her kids of anything they want. You have hinted that you kno what went on. And you have been the bigger person in this situation n then that way you have control and you can gain your closure without ever needing to respond to her texts again

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Silence is golden.

 

If those pics were important to her she would have had them before she thought someone else was more important. I would refuse the request. Sending her kid to do the dirty work for her is another cowardly act. She's vulture picking to keep a back door open. She should have thought about what was important to her before her desire to cheat. She's finding any opportunity to keep you in her reach.

 

Silence. Don't write back. Best revenge is served cold in silence. She chose to leave and END things. It's over. Remind her.

 

I know exactly how you feel. The anger will take a long time to go away. Don't allow her the back door to keep it fueled. It will only end up in disaster for you and you will not heal and she will still get what she want's from everyone including you.

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I have felt similar pain to you. Frustration on being cheated on. Anger.

 

In the end, I realized that she wouldn't change. That the insight that I would provide would do very little. She never really cared that she hurt me even if some piece of her did love me once.

 

She did want to talk to me one last time, but did not communicate that it would be private or anything. I know my face showed that I was holding back anger and venom even though I made it clear that I would give her the time since she did give me the time.

 

We haven't spoken since. Eventually you can let go of the misery and the hatred and be the better person. Venting through writing and through a friend is all you need to learn from your mistake.

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The first thing my phone had to say to me this morning was a text from her: Again, thanks for NOTHING!"

 

Lucky for me I was able to follow this up by logging in here to find wonderful bits of wisdom and support - I am grateful to all who have taken the time and wish I could buy you all a beer

 

So, I think I might have had a good thought while driving to work this morning: my dilemma is that i want to offer absolutely nothing to this woman while I also ALWAYS want to maintain good will with her children. Though I don't believe for a second that she's asked this favor of me for her kids, I'll go ahead and "buy" it for the sake of making my flushing her out of my life one step closer to completion. My idea is that i skip over this woman entirely and text her daughter instead, telling her to look for a thumb drive taped to the back of my mailbox. Her daughter is in our neighborhood every school day, though she abruptly quit visiting once this all went to hell. She and her sisters can accept this gift from me, never having to mention that it was requested by her mom.

 

Thoughts???

 

On the subject of my ever lingering desire to send some hate-mail to this woman, I'm glad, once again, that i slept on it. Every time that i come close to losing control and firing something off it's because I've lost sight of my greater plan.

 

This woman has watched me for eight years turn the other cheek and forego revenge in the face of people who don't deserve the consideration. Yes, she told me numerous times that she admired this in me. Of all the sordid tales of bad experiences with exes out of my past, she knows that today i am able to admit that i held a big part of the responsibility; i hold no real ill will toward any of them today. She admires this trait in me - though she may not have the wherewithal to conduct herself like an adult today as she takes actions that she would absolutely DESPISE in others were she to witness them from the outside, she admires those who take the higher ground. Yes, she knows right and wrong and is drawn to those who do their very best in the face of adversity.

 

I believe that her current need to send some form of a "poke" at me every week-and-a-half or so is that she's being eaten by guilt. Though I've no doubt that her conscious mind hasn't yet let her explore the truth, she's looking for any sign from me - any sign at all - that I'm thinking about her, missing her, hating her, being hurt by her, hoping that I'm still on the path that she knows that I've always been on of FORGIVENESS. I believe she's running as fast as she can from the truth about how she's orchestrated her dumping of me, and the terrifying realization that she's not going to be able to outpace it in the long run is causing her to seek some sort of validation from me. The recurring theme in her communications of "I'm sorry if i hurt u" and "let me know you're ok" tell the tale. She needs to know that, no, i don't hate her. No, I am not ruined. She wants me to help to remove that guilt and set her free to go on as though the stories she'll undoubtedly tell of our demise have any sort of truth.

 

Yes, sending off a bit of hate would give me about a half a second of satisfaction followed by the biggest wave of anxiety I've experienced since the day i watched her slither into another man's arms. My revenge will be my silence - I'll let her fester in the truth and wonder (know) why her phone calls went forever unanswered.

 

My GOD, how i look forward to flushing this hate out of me...

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I've been there from the point of view of having my heart smashed while my significant other was preparing the ground-work for an immediate back-up plan, probably in place for months, oh well man. Those things rarely last. All I can say is I've been when you're at as far as a completely wrecked mess, for months, post-break-up. I didn't handle it nearly as well as you though; I constantly texted for about a month and a half, just trying to resolve the situation... but I guess some things aren't meant to be resolved. That takes awhile to sink in. Some. things. aren't. meant. to. be. resolved.

 

And even now, after having dated several woman in the 5+ months since my break-up, and currently dating one of the most beautiful women I have EVER met in my entire life... I still... find myself comparing and wishing and longing for my ex back.

 

I went several months of no contact, and allowed myself the liberty to text her on my birthday... her responses were heartless, cold, and completely devoid of empathy or compassion. I ended up upset on my birthday because of it. And even now, several weeks later, and with a wonderful person, I still find myself wanting to get her back. And I might be able to. But after having gone through such Hell; why not give someone else a chance...

 

It has been pointed out to me, and I thoroughly believe this: we desperately want the ones back who end things out-of-the-blue or with complete indifference. It's a sadistic kind of challenge.

 

I sent the "F You" text in the days post-break-up; I sent some pretty less than noble things in addition to that as well. Here's the deal. don't burn your bridges. don't let your emotions wreck you right now. And i know it's impossible. Hit the gym... Read some books. I recommend anything by Robert Greene.

 

Losing your temper feels SO GOOD at the time, but really, I always kind of regretted it afterwards; though I will say : repression is unhealthy.

 

But the problem is: when either telling someone off, or trying to reconcile, after you go off on your little tangents (I have done this MAAAAANY times)... you always remember something you left out; silence is the better way bro!

 

Go to the gym to get your hormonal balance back and your emotional nature will eventually resolve itself.

 

The hate DOES Subside. I had never gone through such HATE/GRIEF/SADNESS in my *LIFE*, and I've been through A LOT! Punching the wall... daily... crying... daily...

 

I wrote an entire book of poetry. I filled up multiple journals. You just have to force your mind past it. Focus on the NOW. That's the best way. Listen to music when you find your thoughts wondering to the past; the past is dead. It sucks. But don't live in it at all. there are literally millions of beautiful women out there.

 

My ex was the most drop dead gorgeous super-model looking female, pro chef, best friend, ALL THE THINGS I WANTED IN A WOMAN; All the things I NEVER Thought I could replace. I was so tore up for so long after losing her, I couldn't function. But life... does go on... Re-label the event from the WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED to a VITAL LEARNING EXPERIENCE WHICH HAS MADE YOU STRONGER.

 

Currently... I have found someone with whom I have the potential to be a really wonderful relationship. Is she my Ex? Nope. Does she possess any of the traits my ex had that I loved so much? Not really, beyond good looks (which are over-rated a lot of times); but I enjoy spending time with her, and we're comfortable together... It is, at least, a step in the right direction. One that will eventually have to be made. I don't think I'm ready for any kind of commitment by any stretch of the imagination but I will say that at least sharing some intimacy with someone... does help a lot.

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I wish I could have gone NC months ago. When she first hit me with 'I'm not sure I want to be with you anymore'. Instead I stayed in contact, allowing her to put me in friend zone while clearly stating that I wouldn't settle for that, but I didn't act upon my words so she weaned herself off me gradually. After a while of observing her getting more and more distant, I lost my patience and got really mad and hurt. I sent awful texts. not name calling or anything, but really non-forgiving kinda texts. Which were kind of a relief but she stopped caring long ago so she probably just laughed at my anger. wish I had gone NC months ago and didn't have to put myself through this hell and maintaining my dignity intact. Breaking up felt like someone ripping my heart out and jumping on it. Self esteem totally wrecked.

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Hopefully a learning experience.

 

She broke your heart. Got it -- sucks, really sucks.

 

You threw your self esteem at her and let her walk all over it. That is on you....if you had taken your broken heart and

moved directly to NC....the healing would have been faster and the self esteem would not have been shreaded.

 

Next time --- remember what you learned.

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Hopefully a learning experience.

 

She broke your heart. Got it -- sucks, really sucks.

 

You threw your self esteem at her and let her walk all over it. That is on you....if you had taken your broken heart and

moved directly to NC....the healing would have been faster and the self esteem would not have been shreaded.

 

Next time --- remember what you learned.

 

It is definitely a learning experience. Wish I had learnt quicker though . And wish I could somehow delete or fastforward my emotions to a state of acceptance. Too bad I'm still hurting and frustrated. Want to move on though!

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I really understand how breaking all communication off has its place only from having been burned HARD in the past. I had done the breakup, second guessed it like a confused child and called to ask if we could try again. Being declined was like a spear through the heart. Had I not had that experience, I would be flying off the handle right now.

 

If this woman were actually WORTH fighting for, then that's what I would have done in today's situation. It's a screwed up circumstance to love someone more deeply than you've ever loved before while also knowing that they're just not worth it. Once you see them stoop to levels you never dreamt they could be capable of, it's like being sent straight to hell.

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I hear you man. I feel the same. I let this happen with two other girls, and felt it coming on both times. Now with my current ex, I knew I should have made the break first, instead I let this relationship die and got yet again the short end of the stick. If I had had the ba!!s to stand up and walk away maybe she'd still be in my life.

 

Anyhow, sounds like you're handling this the right way. Never let her see your reaction, it's the best you can do. I had an ex, her ex sent her a nice heartfelt email wishing her the best. She moved on and all was good even though he still missed her. I didnt understand until she did the same to me. I never let her see me mourn her (well maybe when she dumped me).... but afterwards, I went cold and distant, wouldnt change a thing. I hung out with her once afterwards, she asked me to keep in touch I said I dont even know where you are (literally I didnt know where in the world she was living - NYC, Boston, my city) gave her a sneer, and said really, its ok! I still have anger towards her for basically leaving me by just disappearing. she left you for another man, she should not ever feel like you ever cared, since she doesnt deserve that pleasure...

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Well, people...the truth is oftentimes stranger than fiction, as the end of my workday yesterday was almost too much a coincidence for Hollywood. Some of you will want to punch me in the mouth for this, but please bear with me and trust that my whole house of cards tumbling down may be for the best.

 

Driving in and out of work is stressful sometimes as my company and hers are only about five minutes apart, meaning I usually leave later than her scheduled end-of-day so we don't have to even drive by one another. Yesterday, though, she apparently left late, and i wound up IMMEDIATELY BEHIND HER at a stoplight! I'm cringing in my seat, thanking God that her rear window is dirty and her head appears to be at an angle that's not looking at her rearview mirror. Than the hand slowly rises up and gives a slight wave. I put up my hand, then look away. "Please let this F'ING light turn green!" When it finally does (after 6-8 months) she speeds off and I crawl, letting us get some distance.

 

Then the phone rings...yup, it's her. Panic. I pick up. She asks "you hate me, don't you?" twice before i can open my mouth, the second time sounding like she's beginning to cry. I am absolutely astonished that i don't remember the entire conversation, but it was a surreal state while i sat there on my phone...maybe a total of a two minute phone call. What i do remember loud and clear was the part where i told her that her side of my bed hadn't even become cold before she took up with another man, and how i couldn't help but feel like watching her drift away from me in our final month and fall immediately into his arms meant that the whole thing was orchestrated all along.

 

She didn't sound like she was crying anymore. Becoming upright in an instant, she says "you don't know anything about what's going on in my life right now" and i momentarily double-check my sanity. "You only know what you heard, right?" I say nothing. She then asks again, "RIGHT?" and i realize that she's not making a statement - she wants to know how/what i know. I just say, "I know."

 

She says that she's sorry and hurries back off the phone.

 

When I got home after kicking myself for thirty minutes for letting her see my pain (it was in my voice and there was no hiding it), I sent off this text message:

 

"I apologize for rolling up on you - it was not my intention. I still have all the pics of your past and will contact *your daughter* once they're collected. Please, if I've ever meant anything to you, help me by breaking all communication with me. Every time I feel like I'm beginning to pick myself up I am knocked back down. I do not hate you and I hope he treats you and your daughters well. Take care."

 

Yes - further showing my delicate underbelly.

 

She texted back: "Got it. Thanks. I don't want to hurt you anymore Clay."

 

Though i don't know how her response appears to you good people of ENA, I can tell you that this the tone she uses when mad.

 

I call my friend and tell her of the cluster**** that's just occurred. She tells me it's probably going to be good in the long run, and I agree. She notes that she assumed the ex was well aware that i knew she took up with this guy who she'd recently re-connected with before the split, where even though we're blocked on Facebook she set off the fireworks on her profile with "in a relationship with such-and-such" and put up pictures of the two of them nuzzling their faces together, etc. I tell my friend that the ex apparently blocked everyone associated with me (as her friend number dropped by a mile) and currently felt it safe to bring it out in the open. This was the revelation that she actually had no idea that i was aware of anything she was doing, figuring I'd turned the other way. My friend then added up why it probably was that the ex responded angrily to my request that she stop all communication: until yesterday, the ex could see about this new guy but still return to me (in her mind) if things feel through, pretending that this "alone time" let her see how much she misses me. Now, if this new guy doesn't turn out to be as forthcoming with opening up his wallet (she has MAJOR problems with money management), she now knows that the guy who's always bailed her out (me) is an entirely burned bridge.

 

It makes perfect sense where the angry response comes from and why she follows hateful exchanges with me with little bits of generic goodwill. The day that she split with me I KNEW that she had a backup plan for numerous reasons, not the least of which is that her umbilical chord attached to my bank account was absolutely necessary. I already knew (through her sister, of all people) that she had a pattern in her past of running off on the father of her kids for one to two months before coming back, always with some other guy. I think our run-in yesterday and followup text showed her that the well is completely dry over here now.

 

I've got a lot of things to figure out about myself. Why do I feel so obligated to help a woman who refuses to help me? Why am I drawn to women who are obviously extremely needy? Why do I let guilt drive me back to unhealthy relationships (from earlier times where i tried to cut her loose)? As time goes on the list of things i need to ponder will grow exponentially.

 

So yeah, she knows now that i am, in fact, hurt. She now knows that I'm well aware that she immediately took up with this new dude (and, unless she's incredibly dumb, added up that she was watering that plant before dumping me). As the afternoon wore on, I felt like my sense of defeat had turned to peace - she could never possibly look me in the eye again and I asked her directly not to communicate with me anymore. The picture has come together in its entirety now, and I feel like I'm about to be looking forward instead of back.

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Definitely go thro the daughter attach the photos to mail box then she has all she wants no reason to contact u again. U have been the bigger person an remain silent. I suspect she may feel she wants u in her life n that's the reason for her constant contact but don't go there. Be proud of what u have done x much love x

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Diggums, fanfreeekintastic post mate.

Your story and current scenario seems to have resonated emotional vibes with a few others.

 

Including myself. Seriously intense resonation here. Well worded, clearly stated. Detailed... Thankyou!

 

Your thoughts, combined with the responses you have recieved from members... shows that we are not alone.

Only separated by distance, time, and personal experience.

 

Alrighty, a bit of detail from me...

 

My thoughts. Tape that flashdrive to the mailbox. The exs daughter did nothing to cause the breakdown of the relationship. You are priveledged to still have a way of communicating directly with her. 8 years of bonding. Worth one communication to the daughter and passing those pics directly to her. And also.. letting her know that it is..

Not.

Her.

Fault.

The positive future psychological benefit behind those 3 words for a child/teenager... priceless. Word it differently, add only a little detail if you must, but convey the the message that she is not to blame herself.

 

Consider this communication the last time you will possibly hear from this daughter. Accept that. As much as you can.

If you are luckier than me and she is a teenager, she will definitely remember you.. although time.. even years may pass by.

 

If you have already acted re: handing over pics, then ignore this post. Just my own personal thoughts in this moment of time.

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