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Flirting while in a relationship?


skylar19

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I have been dating my boyfriend now for over 2 years and I would have to say we are deeply in love. We are committed to each other and love each other to no end. I would never even consider cheating on him or lying to him or ANYTHING dishonest. When I think of my future I really see him as my life partner and best friend. I do not know what my future entails as I am still young but right now I would be quite content with spending it with him.

 

BUT I have this huge problem where I love to flirt. I have always been this way but never thought of it as a big issue until I met my current lover. Usually it is very harmless flirting with guy friends who know I have a boyfriend but I know they are into me so I kind of play along with it. Never take it farther than harmless flirting. But I recently met this guy who is 36 (I’m 21) and also has a child and I have absolutely NO sexual interest in him (especially because of the child part lol)- but we get along REALLY well and have a lot in common. As we’ve been talking more it has been made apparent that he is sexually interested in me. He has made some suggestive comments, such as indirect, subliminal comments about my breasts or something, and I usually would brush it off (because men are like that). But now it’s getting to the point where I feel like he is coming on a little too strong. I had to tell him he went too far once when he made a suggestion about giving me a massage with oil (?).

 

Last night he invited me to a Christmas party (I went because he works at a bar where there would be a ton of free booze and food, haha). We both had a few drinks (I can control myself when drinking pretty well) and everything was going ok until people at the party started commenting on us dating. I had to tell people we weren’t and that I had a boyfriend and it was really awkward. He was also getting quite touchy-feely with me (arms around me, hand on leg, etc.), and I would just sort of move away. It gets to a point though where it feels socially awkward to tell a guy to straight up -off especially when he’s your friend.

 

I am not sure if I am perpetuating this, I probably am a bit receptive and I know I flirt back. I did tell my boyfriend about this (and the Christmas party situation) and he wasn’t angry at all but did express that he wasn’t comfortable with me flirting with other guys and he told me to “take care of it” when it came to that other guy.

 

Not really sure what I’m looking for, but does anyone have advice on this? Opinions? Any input helps as I am trying to search within myself what I am really feeling but also how to be more confident in telling guys off.

 

Just to clarify– This 36 year old guy goes to university with me (he’s a “mature student”) so we didn’t just randomly meet in a bar or something. Not sure if that changes anything (probably doesn’t), but just wanna clarify in case anyones wondering.

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hiya sky , welcome to the nut house

 

well I hate to say it , but you are the author of your own book here and you must be doing a damned fine job for them all to think you where a couple .

 

you have to take responsibility for your actions ....it has gone to far , you can see that obviously .

Is it a case of needing confidence or is it more that you are just going to look daft/silly having just put it out there to then have to say no ...it doesn't work does it ..and can indeed get you in a lot of trouble . You can only expect that a man will indeed take the bait if you have been flirting that much with him , if he fancies you , gets the green light , so he thinks ..then bang you are stuck in a situation you don't want to be in .

 

So try and have a line ...that you yourself do not cross , that does not lead a man so far on he thinks its heading in the right direction , then you wont need to dig yourself out of any holes .

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I have to agree with shooting star...and please don't think we're purposely giving you a hard time or anything. That is not the case I promise you.

 

The thing is...even though you don't intend to cheat and weren't exactly going out looking for someone to sleep with...your actions were still questionable. Playing along with the harmless flirting was already shaky ground to begin with, but the moment he made a suggestive comment you should have stopped him cold.

 

I have to be honest - the part where you said you have absolutely no interest in this man especially because he has a child - I know you were kidding, but it raises a red flag for me. Shouldn't the number one reason be because you don't want anybody except your boyfriend?

 

Indirect comments about your breasts...how you brush it off because 'men are like that'...I wouldn't even know where to start with that comment. That is no excuse. Not all men are like that and that certainly doesn't make it okay.

 

OK, a lot of women go drinking without their significant other, but a lot of women also don't lead men on and know when to tell them to stop. Instead of 'sort of' moving away, if you truly are as dedicated to your boyfriend as you say you are, you would have no qualms about hurting this guy's feelings, because your boyfriend's feelings should be more important, and you would have simply told your guy friend 'No.'

 

I know you are probably accustomed to talking to different guys and that you deem this flirting as harmless (I used to be a big flirt too), but the reality of the situation is you will have to change it. The fact that it has caused a little friction with your boyfriend should be enough. Look at it this way: Do everything as if your boyfriend were standing right there next to you.

 

However I must say kudos to you for telling your boyfriend about this. Being so open and honest with him was a great move on your part.

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You need to tell him right away that you are not interested in him in any sexual way and his behavior makes you uncomfortable.

I have a lot of guy friends, and they never make "breast comments" to me. Because we are friends. THIS guy you talk about isn't interested in friendship with you, and he is friendly because he is interested in your breasts. And everything below them.

If you are a flirty person (in a relationship) - flirt with your partner. You don't go huggin` and touchin` on parties with a random dude (and no matter where you met, he is still a random dude, sexually interested in you), no matter how flirty you are, if you are in LTR and you claim to love your BF.

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It gets to a point though where it feels socially awkward to tell a guy to straight up -off especially when he’s your friend.

 

yea...i offer oil massages to my friends all the time too and comment on their bodies sexually, that's how you know they're actually friends and not just people that want to have sex with you.

 

I am not sure if I am perpetuating this

 

nah...you're just friendly

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If your boyfriend had a habit of flirting like you did in the manner in which you do what would you like for us to tell him if he posted what you did?

 

If your boyfriend had an older woman friend who had a child and was constantly on him about wanting to massage him, blow him, have sex with him, etc., knowing that he had a girlfriend, what would you like for us to say to him?

 

When you can articulate what you'd like for us to say to him in situations like that, then read what you write and understand that applies to you. IF him doing what you're doing--by giving that other person that much entre into his intimacy--would have you apoplectic and incandesent, then you understand that what he's allowing is wrong. Therefore, you'd undertand that what you're allowing with this "friend" of yours is wrong.

 

And just so you know, no, all men are not like that. Men who have been given entre into your intimacy are like that. This starts and ends with your flirting, which, contrary to what you wish to believe about yourself, is potentially harmful to your relationships.

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I think your current relationship will fail because if this, and them the next, and the next, and the next until you decide your priority is a relationship and stop acting this way. The men 'into' you are not your friends and you only get along so well wih them because they've got their game face on and are doing everything they can to sleep with you. And you encourage them. It's all rooted in low self esteem which will cause you problems in other areas of your life as well.

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Harmless flirting is fine but I'm not sure you're quite there yet with where that line is drawn.

 

^^^ Yep. With some people, you have to be careful, and this guy is clearly a guy that needs specific definition.

 

Some people will take things as far as you let them. So until you are clear and defined, with something as straightforward as-

 

"We need to pull things back in the flirting area. I feel it has gone too far and stepped over a boundary. I have a boyfriend, and I want to show him respect. I have only platonic feelings for you, and I need to make that clear. I didn't mean to lead you on, but I feel I have to speak up and put a stop to this before things get out of hand. People have already begun to talk about us as if we are a couple, and that cannot continue. I hope you understand"

 

You need to be this direct if you want it to stop. Make no mistake, this has gone beyond harmless flirting. He is clearly interested in you and will pursue you as long as you let it continue. He's at least thinking of you sexually if not also as a future potential step mother to his child. This is why is you have no intention of entering a real relationship with him, it needs to end.

 

Draw the line now, before things get REALLY out of hand.

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The problem is harmless flirting is a myth. Flirting takes place between 2 people and since you have no idea what their perception of your flirtation are or the nature of their feelings towards you, there's absolutely no way you can just decide the whole thing is harmless because you are only half of the equation and have half of the information.

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The problem is harmless flirting is a myth. Flirting takes place between 2 people and since you have no idea what their perception of your flirtation are or the nature of their feelings towards you, there's absolutely no way you can just decide the whole thing is harmless because you are only half of the equation and have half of the information.

 

That's not true actually. As long as what you say to the other person isn't a strong come-on and as long as the reaction isn't a overreaction or a strong come-on it's all good. Sure "strong" is subjective but most people who have honorable intentions have decent common sense. Obviously mistakes can be made but if the people have harmless intentions those mistakes are short-lived. And of course if two people already know each other well it's even easier not to cross the line. I do think there are people who mistake friendly for flirty and people who think they are being friendly but are actually crossing the line but those are more exceptions.

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To me, what you are describing is harmful flirting even if you were single. Or become single again. Because you are flirting with people who you know are 'into you', but you are feeding it only for the attention and to feel good about yourself aspect. That does usually come from when someone is trying to fill some hole in their self esteem, and looking for validation based on other people finding them sexually attractive. It's a black hole. Also, especially as a woman, there are certain safety concerns to be aware of as well when you are feeding into the attentions of men who want to get into your panties (and that is what the interactions are really about). I think you may have gotten a little taste of this when out with the 32 year old man with a child, and everyone in the room thought you were together, and he is talking to you about wanting to oil you up.

 

You could play into a lot of flirting with a certain man, and he turns out to be someone who doesn't know how to say No or is simply very aggressive, and it could turn ugly really fast. So I just wanted to mention this as a real concern as well - besides how it may impact your relationship with your guy.

 

In a relationship though, there is the added dynamic of impacting the trust your partner can honestly have of you. Healthy relationships require two people who have some strong sense of who they are, what they need and want. It also takes two people who know how to put up appropriate boundaries; both for themselves as individuals, and to protect and enhance the relationship.

 

You are showing some rather poor judgment, IMO. Men crave security just like women do. They want to know the woman they are with can be counted on. It can be hard to feel that way when the person you are with is prioritizing seeking out other male attentions over strengthening the relationship with him. And you give him needless reasons to worry and doubt - when it would be really simple to not.

 

Seriously though . Your safety and where this can take you in life, if you have a problem where you are feeling compelled all the time to flirt with men who show interest in you sexually but you intend to do nothing with it but feed it as a fantasy forthem for attention , is the most important aspect in my opinion.

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