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I really need some advice.


ShaneS

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Hello all and thank you for looking.

 

Well the background. Met my fiancee December of 2012 and we hit it off immediately we spoke for hours on end before actually meeting in person about 7 days after our first phone conversation. Things progressed but she had one little problem. She has an ex who she never actually told it was "over" between them, just implied as they had been friends for years. The ex was seeing another gal already and spending nights with her.

 

So she is telling the ex she is falling in love with me, has strong feelings, and all that wonderful stuff when the ex starts the "let's try to make it work between us" speech. She never agreed to it and just a few days later she told the ex how they had not really been together in years (pretty much sexless relationship for a long time and really they only talked once a week) and that is was over.

 

I took all this pretty well as I knew what was going on from the start and my girlfriend was very honest about it. I waited for it to be over between them before we started a romantic relationship. The only thing I asked (since the ex and her were friends for over 13 years) was to be healthy and take a break before any friendship was considered.

 

So we date for about 4 months before she moved in and that is where the problems start. She suddenly was a different person. I thought change was part of the problem, I thought she missed her old place, and the neighboring town she grew up in. She kept saying it was just taking her time to adjust and that nothing had changed.

 

Well fast forward to October, nothing changed after a settle in period. I felt very much alone, obviously not anywhere near a priority in her life, and felt there was something not being said. She had been dealing with trying to get her name off the ex's vehicle when the ex sent a letter and she read it to me. Just certain things caught my attention that the ex knew more about our lives then should had happened since she said there had been no contact.

 

I asked and asked if there was some kind of communication going on between them, and she denied it all. Well at that point I did the thing I hate most and I went looking (beware if you go looking you might find something you don't like). Plain as day on her computer history was several conversations over the whole time period we were together between her and ex.

 

So I asked what was going on, got lied to a lot, and finally after a week the truth came out. She said she felt bad about breaking it off with the ex the way she did and was feeling great guilt. I asked why she lied and she said she didn't want to be in trouble. I know they didn't see each other physically because she is really good about keeping in contact with me when she is out, and mostly just travels into town to go to work and back. Really I don't have any issues with believing there was cheating.

 

But I'm having a really hard time with the lies and deception. There are several things I've caught her in lies about, and turns out she has a lot of baggage from a bad childhood and has carried a lot of it into the relationship.

 

I could probably move on from most of this as she has stopped lying, but I did ask recently why she felt the need to contact the ex and why I was ignored after she moved in and it lasted until I caught the lies in October. Well yesterday she admitted she had not felt the love she said she had for me and that she didn't want to let me escape and find someone else. She admits all her lies was because she didn't feel about me the way she did about the ex (as in caring what happened to him versus me). These are some pretty harsh things to hear.

 

This is the first woman I've loved (and I forgot to mention age, but I'm 47 and she is 42) and I opened my heart to her. I've treated her like a princess and been very attentive. I tried every week to communicate with her about how I was feeling neglected and she told me it was in my head to the point I thought it was in my head! I actually wish it had been.

 

So now she says she discovered how much she loves me, wants to stay in the relationship and continue our lives with me forgiving everything and moving on. But the thing is I proposed to this woman and she accepted saying I was her one true love and she never wanted to live without me. I don't know how that worked considering she admits she cared about the emotional well being of the ex, more then she cared about anything I had concerns with and begging for communication to why we were having issues. I have gone down the list on several things we were having problems with and it all comes down to her ex and her family were winning the "race" and I was last in line.

 

I hate to sound whiny here, but like I said I poured my heart out to this woman and told her all about my life (some parts very traumatic and not things I've shared before). She put the blame on me to the point I was going to a counselor thinking I had some major issues about being insecure (something I've never been). I have been very open and honest about everything, and turns out she has lied from the start. Now I have insecurities!

 

We started couples counseling and on one private solo session I asked our counselor if I was in a doomed relationship. She wouldn't answer. Today my fiancee had her solo meeting and the counselor called me in for a private few minutes after their time. She told me "I don't know how you have managed to put up with everything you have". The counselor did say on a positive note that she truly believes my fiancee loves me, and that I love her and we can make it work (I'm not doing well with all the contradictions in my life as of the last year).

 

So while there was not a "romantic relationship" between the ex and her, I feel like I was cheated on. The same lies, deceptions, and hiding everything occurred. Several friends and family members she told what was going on and they all advised her it was not a good idea and she continued (great our dirty laundry is shared and I feel even more like a stupid fool). I really feel like my feelings for her were used against me to get away with what was obvious but because I trusted her, I let it slide and took her at her word.

 

I don't know if we can be repaired, I still have same feelings for her I just have to admit I'm very hurt by her actions. We have had a good relationship in many other areas such as enjoy same things, can talk for hours, the love life is still going strong, she tells me she loves me constantly, and takes very good care of me in many areas. It's just when i ask for something I need (as in the communication) I get left behind. I'm just wondering if I can ever trust her, and I don't understand why suddenly she loves me (as in for real this time per her) after she got busted.

 

Thanks in advance!

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From what I have read, it feels a little false that all of a sudden she is in love with you just because you found out she had been lying. It seems like she is still trying to keep a hold of you so no one else can have you while she is making her mind up. The old I don't really want you but don't want anyone else to have you either syndrome. I hope I am wrong as you obviously have strong feelings for her but I would be very wary of making a long term commitment to her until you see definite proof that you can trust her.

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Thanks for sharing.

 

I think you don't want to settle and your gut is telling you that she isn't communicating well enough to your liking and that you don't trust her. Trust and communication are important to you. You and I have that in common.

 

I think you are afraid to face some of these issues. It's scary to go to therapy and work on these issues. Trust and communication are so important. Look at all the problems they have caused. I can see that she has insecurities and you have developed a few. That's okay.

 

What's important to you? How you feel or that these issues are severely limiting your relationship?

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