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how does NC rule work in this situation? does it even work?


shootingstarz

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BF of 2 years broke up with me few days ago. We were in a committed relationship. I was the center of his attention. Talked about marriage, where to retire and talked about future etc. And, one day, he just fell out of love. He just didn't feel same way anymore. Well, its not fair to say "one day out of the blue". I've noticed the change in him (i.e decrease in text/communication) few months before he finally came out and broke it off. And, during that time, I too was doubting and was becoming unhappy. Mainly, my doubts/unhappiness came the time I noticed the change in him. Numerous times, I would find myself looking for reasons why I shouldn't be in this relationship. But, in the end. I believed, our relationship was strong that we will find our ways to change for the better. Problem was, I, we, didn't do anything to make things better. We just hoped without trying/talking about it. Anyway, the reason I am here isn't really to talk about how the break up happened. Its been only few days and I am doing ok. When he said he fell out of love and we are done. Like any others even I totally agree why we should break up (remember, I too wasn't happy). I asked, if there be any possibility trying to work out our relationship. I guess, its the reaction in me when you are being the dumpee. He was solid on his decision and knowing the man he is. What says, goes. I didn't cry, rise hell or anything but stupid side of me asked to reconsider his decision and give a chance in us. Next day, I came to my senses. I didn't even know where my heart was yet I was only focused in trying to fix it for that moment being. It didn't matter who was the dumper or dumpee. During the whole conversation, I knew us being apart/permanent break up was due. During those months, we have lost our ways. We still love each other, cared for each other very much but the sparks were gone. We became boring. And, like he was telling me, He doesn't think we can recover from it and I couldn't deny the fact that I felt the same. That same morning, I sent him a text explaining that we need this time apart, I need to be true to myself and need to know where my heart is first and that I wish not to see him anytime soon and perhaps a month or so down the road I would contact him. Now, the real reason for this post. He broke off with me, he fell out of love, he no longer feel the same. Although the end was due. Of course, I would a chance to fix it if there is even a slightest possibility. It has nothing to do with an ego/pride. I truly would like to have the chance. I heard about this NC rule. I didn't recommend one month in my last text to him purpose of NC rule. I simply did it so that I can have better and clear view on our problems. And, accept and understand what I think the problem was and move on from the past relationship. What holds during or after that whole month, nothing is certain. I just don't know. After going on NC rule, I also heard about when to contact and when to meet etc. Well, this is how my situation is bit different. I know I will see him. We have to, at least once. We have some things to take care of on business side. When the time comes and in my heart I truly feel this relationship is worth saving (again, not for my ego/pride). How or what would be the right way to approach?. Now, keep it in mind. He was very cold, distant and solid on his decision. Last thing/words he said to me was " right now, we both needs to breath". We broke up at night and other than one text I sent in the morning. I have not been in contact which he have not replied. Any advice is welcomed. Bad, good, negative or positive. Thank you so much

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Hi, I'm sorry this happened to you. I was in the same situation as you, my ex grew colder and distant until he decided to break it all. Like you despite the fact that he was extremely cold and said that it has ended for good, I still hoped for chances of reconciliation and tried using NC as a means of getting back together. I don't blame myself, it is impossible not to hope for getting back together when you have feeling for a person. However, in the end I just hurt myself again because he didn't change his mind. The thing is they've made the decision months ago, while we may not have suspected anything but them being colder and distant. It is highly unlikely he will change his mind, however, you may need to try again to finally realise that it is over for good. So it is up to you to decide what you want to do. I'd say if you want to see if you have chances go for it, it may cause you a lot of pain, but then you know you tried all you could to save the relationship. This way, you won't have what ifs and any regrets left. Good luck

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Well I think you handled that perfectly and quite honestly you both let go of the relationship. You couldnt ask for a better break. I think you need to remind yourself as you said here you werent very happy either. Take a month, I suggest two to heal and get over him. Dont think about any reconciliation, just focus on healing and enjoying your life.

 

In a couple months, you'll know how you feel, will have better perspective and be able to assess your situation then.

 

In the meantime, I wouldnt lash out at your ex, be nice and accepting and deal with him on that level if and when you see him. Do not try to impress him, try to act as unaffected as possible in your interactions. Not much else speaks louder than not caring.

 

As you know there is no amount of begging, discussing or negotiating you can do to change his mind. go with the flow and enjoy the beauty of every other aspect of your life.

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Additional information: I don't know if this would help to clarify and understand better how it all went down. Like in the original post. Main problem was the lack of communication. Not when we were together. We were as normal as any given day. But, it was texting. The amount of text we used to do. It dropped from 10-1. And close to the end, He would skip a day which never the case. I did talk to him about that couple of times and each time, If he's making me feel neglected he is failing as a bf that he has to be better. Soon after I just had that talk with him. He went MIA for 3 days (yes, he was exceptionally busy during that time. but, still it doesn't take more than a minute to send a quick text). So, the night before the break up. I was emotionally empty. And, when I saw this poem about "sometimes, even what looks perfect and how much you love someone, under the circumstances, you have to let them go" etc. along those lines of poem". And, I posted it on my page. Early next morning, I saw a missed call and a text from him, "what the F*** is going on???". Apparently, he was woken up that morning just to see massive texts from his friends/CO WORKERS (who happen to read my post) asking what was going on and if things were ok between us. He has large circle of friends and some we share. From there, all went down hill. He called off this trip we've planned for the holidays. And, that night. After him, thinking hours and hours, going through all the pain, heartache on his end and have come to decision that its better off we stop here. It wasn't really about the poem. The change was already happening (but, still trying and holding on) and the poem just happen to process bit early what already was going to happen eventually. Yes, it is possible, things got out of hand, him being pissed/mad/upset. Could have been a rational decision on his part. But, I know him. Although, his decision were made during few hours. I'm sure he gave all he got to reach that decision. He isn't someone who would use his words lightly. It helps me a lot to have place like here, where I can load off my chest. Yes, we had our problems. We fail to address our issues while we had the chance before reaching this end. I know, we've done our best. Love is no longer with us but I know we loved each other and it was real. For that, I am thankful.

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