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Insane situation! What happened to her?


Guitarist

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Sorry for the long read. I honestly don't know how else to illustrate how things got so crazy.

 

A close friend of mine and I (Ages 23 and 24, respectively) met a girl (Age 22) online a few months ago. This girl lives very far from us, and she has been in a relationship for three years. The three of us were simply having a good time together. After a week or two, the girl and I began spending time together on account of my friend being busy at the time. We both acknowledged that our behavior was getting increasingly flirty, and that maybe we were getting crushes on each other, but things were still innocent.

 

We would eventually exchange Facebooks and phone numbers. As more time passed, the intensity of our conversations increased. Things came to a head when we began video chatting via Skype.

 

I don't know if I can even explain our video conversations together on Skype. They lasted for hours on end. We talked about everything two people could talk about. Whenever there was a lull in the conversation, we would simply lay in our beds and stare at each other longingly. She told me how much she likes me. She told me she's never wanted somebody this badly in such a short period of time. She said the way I was making her feel was only comparable to her ex-boyfriend who cheated on her, and who she admits to still loving (even though she made the decision to end their situation).

 

She told me that she began her relationship with her current boyfriend (Age 24) at a time in her life when she needed the support. And he's been really good to her all this time. The problem, she said, is that she feels as though she doesn't need him now that she feels strong and able to stand on her own two feet. She also said she felt the relationship was no longer exciting, sexually or in general. There are certain qualities that she's been desiring in a man. She's always liked the metro-sexual, pretty-boy look, but for some time she's wanted an alpha-male, or a "manly man." She told me she's wanted a man who will step up and control her when she needs controlling, and who will be unafraid to stand up for her when the time is appropriate. She is also a very ambitious person getting an education with dreams, while he seems to be content with working his job in retail. The reason she became so drawn to me is because I possess all of these qualities which she has been seeking. Even though we haven't been in the same room together, she can tell that I would provide these things for her, and she's remarked that just the way I look at her makes her blush, because she can see just how strongly I feel about her. It got to the point where she would become sick after our time spent video-chatting. This was caused by a combination of the sheer intensity of our conversations and the extreme guilt she felt regarding her boyfriend.

 

It's worth saying that she did inform her boyfriend that she was talking to me like this, and she even asked for advice from her family. Her parents actually didn't seem to be against any of this. As a matter of fact, her mother seemed to have taken a liking to me based on what she was telling her about me. Her brother on the other hand has been good friends with her boyfriend for years, so he of course hated my guts, and he made a lot of noise about it. Her and her boyfriend were still going about their business, hanging out and smoking pot every night like they would before I knew her.

 

Things began to sour when she introduced myself and my good friend to two other friends of hers she had met online a few years ago (Ages 17 and 19). She began spending time exclusively with the 19-year-old friend. I didn't think much of it, but the 17-year-old friend began to make a lot of noise about it. He was telling me they were spending more and more time together and getting increasingly flirty. Just days before this, she informed me that she gets "bored emotionally." She told me she can detach herself whenever she feels she needs to. The combination of what her friend was telling me and what she had told me herself got me worried. I told the 17-year-old friend that I was getting upset about this, and that I would talk to her about it myself.

 

The next day, SHE ends up calling ME. She is furious at me. It turns out the 17-year-old friend went behind my back and told her I was getting extremely jealous and planned on yelling at her for spending time with the 19-year-old friend. This wasn't true! And to make matters worse, her boyfriend saw a text from me, basically telling her I was bummed she wouldn't be home. This sparked a big fight between her and the boyfriend. Apparently he said things and called her things she had never heard from him before. These two things made her very angry at me. And I admit I got very angry at her.

 

I didn't talk to her for the next few days. However, she was asking my friend about me. She was getting sad and upset. She actually left a voice mail on my phone, telling me that although the situation with the 19-year-old was handled poorly by everyone, she admitted to still wishing to talk to me. She had even deleted her two friends from her online friends list. She didn't want me to hate her for this. She told me that she didn't know what the future holds for us. She did add that we would have to slow things down because of how unfair and horrible this was to her boyfriend. I eventually called her back a day or two later. I explained to her that I just didn't know what was happening with her and the 19-year-old in light of everything she told me beforehand. We both apologized for our behavior. She had apparently found out that I got very angry with her two friends, and she found it to be cute that I would do that. We both agreed that she would talk to me whenever there was something that was going on with her. She told me she's a blunt person.

 

She has gotten increasingly stressed this past month. This has been caused by the end of the semester, an incident requiring her to appear in court, and most likely other things such as the relationship she is trying to work on. She hadn't been talking to me very much at all. She told me a few times that she did miss me, but she had just been so stressed and busy with her life. I understood.

 

The issue however is that for the past month, she's changed entirely. She no longer made any effort to speak with me. She was becoming increasingly closed off from most people, with the exception of the 17-year-old and 19-year-old, whom she both re-added. My good friend was having a tiff with the 17-year-old, and I attempted to help them work things out. She became very hostile at the three of us, calling us immature for having such drama over the internet. This wasn't like her. She wouldn't act like this before. The only time she seemed to be somewhat okay was when she was smoking pot.

 

A few nights ago, I finally got her to have a conversation with me for the first time in weeks. I asked her what had been going on with her recently. She said she's been stressed, and she shuts people out when she gets this way. I asked her if I specifically had done anything wrong. She told me that I haven't, she's just decided that she doesn't want to pursue our situation any further. She realized she wants to work things out with her boyfriend, and if they don't work out, then she'll be single and find somebody else. She added that although she had initially told me the way I got angry at her two friends was attractive to her, she actually now found it to be immature. The combination of these things and the weeks of her not telling me any of this made me begin to yell at her, and she cut off our conversation.

 

That night, I wrote her a letter on Facebook. I essentially told her how wrong it was of her that she didn't have the courage to let me know what she was doing with me. She prides herself on being brutally honest and blunt, but she avoided telling me these things. She only told me because I kept making the effort to have a talk with her some time after she had made up her mind. I told her she's said and done things that she can't simply go back on now with me. I called her things, none of them good. I was so angry and upset.

 

She saw my letter that night. She removed me from her online friends list the next day. For whatever reason, she waited close to two days to remove me from her Facebook, which is where the letter came from in the first place. My good friend and her are still cordial.

 

I want to believe that this isn't her, that she'll start acting like herself once her finals are finished and the weight of school is lifted. I honestly think her 17-year-old and 19-year-old friends have played a part in her change of behavior. She started becoming less and less of a friend to me and my good friend when they showed up. The fact is, she doesn't really have many friends in real life outside of her boyfriend. The majority of her social life is online with those two. I wonder if me getting angry at them made them hold a grudge against me, and I wonder if they convinced her to change her feelings for me. She went from finding my anger at them attractive to finding it immature. That just doesn't add up to me.

 

Even though she removed me from Facebook and her online friends list, I would like to reach out to her, in time. I want to wait until I know her finals are finished. I want us to have a civil conversation about why I feel so betrayed by her. I miss the way she was before she shut herself out. It really upsets me that she got this way, and I want to think she'll be able to talk with me about things when the time comes.

 

I feel like a fool, because I haven't even met this person. Not to mention she lives very far away, and she's had a boyfriend for three years. But she told me herself that she thought she was falling for me. She told me she had never gotten this way with somebody in such a short amount of time, and she never got this way with anybody in general except for the ex. She said she's the furthest thing from "easy," but that I had found a way to get under her skin. These are incredibly substantial things, at least to me. It's one thing if she says she can detach herself from things, but she's said way too much for me to think her feelings have suddenly vanished. And the fact she still has feelings for this ex-boyfriend makes me think that although she can detach herself from a situation, she doesn't necessarily lose the feelings associated with it.

 

Unlike her, I don't really know many people who could understand this situation. That's why I'm reaching out to this site.

 

Any insight and advice would be appreciated!

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The writing was on the wall that she has no intention of leaving her bf, every intention of having lots of male "friends" swarming around her AND that she goes cold out of the blue when she's done with people.

We all learn from our mistakes -- go back and count all the red flags you passed over so that you see them more clearly next time.

You don't need a best girl friend who has a longtime boyfriend and other guys orbiting her...it doesn't serve you in the least.

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