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Slight progress? Not really sure....


cryingalways

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I thought I'd just share a little story of what I consider to be slight progress for me.

 

I went to a party and my ex's psycho flatmate shows up-this is the one who he is best friends with now and who is also abusive to women. He also texted me a few weeks ago asking me how I am since the break-up, which is very suspicious in that it is probably initiated by my ex.

 

Anyway, I was incredibly panicky when I saw him because I could easily ask him how my ex is and I was worried he might tell me something I did not want to hear.

 

But when he eventually walked up to me and said in his weird fake nice voice "Oh hi how are you" I just smiled at him and walked away. I continued to use this tactic for whenever he tried again throughout the night.

 

So all my ex will hear from his little report from this guy is that I ignored him and I looked like I was having a very, very good time with my friends. I think that's pretty good effort on my part.

 

 

I also had another strange experience in that I spent a night hugging another of my exes in bed-well more him hugging me...

 

I never ever intended on EVER giving this guy another chance-it's been years since we broke up or even had a nice conversation-but we were getting on and he actually likes me for who I am (unlike my last ex) and it was nice to have a bit of a hug. Really really weird that it is this guy...But I think it's done something good to my head...hopefully. It was probably just nice to get out of the house instead of having suicidal thoughts and crying all of the time

 

However I just couldn't bring myself to do anything else whatsoever, the thought of kissing this guy made me quite sad because he's not my recent ex and I was a bit worried I would freak out because I think I still crave him. The physical side of me and my recent exes relationship was perfect. We both were happy with that...Well he started criticising me in that area at the end as well actually...but he was just throwing any amo he could think of by that stage in his abuse. He was always very happy with that side of things largely though and so was I. Even kissing was a million times better with him than anyone else I've ever kissed

 

Anyway. I have no idea what will happen with this guy after this hug. He kept asking to see me again and didn't want me to go-even though I was being a bit of a cold fish really-but he has wanted me back since I broke up with him years ago a bit I think, so I guess this is like a dream come true to him.

 

The sad thing is, even though he is not controlling or jealous and does actually like me as a person...he does remind me of my recent ex which I think is part of the attraction. My ex was very obsessed with me and full on which is what this guy is like. There are actually a few similarities....but then again there are an awful lots of differences...oh look I'm comparing my ex to my other ex! Oh deaaaar.

 

Another thing that I should mention is this ex I hugged also hit me with a broom once after we broke up because he was angry with me for doing so. So I'm a biiiiiiitttt worried about that. He has apologised etc and it was a one off but I don't want to end up with another abusive man

 

So I know people will say "You're not ready to date! You don't like him enough! He hit you with a broom!!" but it has actually cheered me up a bit so I think it's been good and I have not promised this ex I hugged anything but I would enjoy having someone to go to a museum with and that's been offered so I'm most likely not gonna say no.

 

Strange strange few days....well it makes a change from the usual rants

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Good on you for all of it right up to the point where you mention the ex you hugged once hit you with a broom. You're right to be worried and I would say walk away. All abusers say that it was just once and then later they replace that excuse with another, "If only you didn't make me so angry..." "I only get mad, because I love you so much...." "You asked for it/made me" and so on and so on and so on. But hitting you with a broom goes even beyond fists, he picked up an object and hit you with it--an object that if applied with enough force in just the right manner could have hurt you very badly, maybe permanently. And that little thing about once they raise their hand to you walk away, because they will do it again...it is totally true.

 

So no sorry, you hugged, it was nice to get validation you're still an attractive female. Leave it there. You seem to have a habit of ending up with abusive men, so I'd say maybe it's time you decide to stop that particular group of men to date. That means saying no to both the ones in your past and any future ones that will crop up in your future too. What you did with your ex's best friend is what you need to do to all of them. It'll give you a much happier life, good luck and I really am glad to hear you're feeling better and getting out now.

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He actually said he couldn't remember doing it. I think he was pretty drunk at the time. He was just going a bit mad at that point from the break up.

 

He's never said I made him do it or anything like that. He's not manipulative in that way. He doesn't want to change me either which is nice compared to the last year of my life. But yeah he did hit me with a broom once. I've been angry about it for years, with good reason, but all my friends are still friends with him and eventually-last night-I just thought oh well I'll go to this party at his house then. And then I ended up in his bed. I really did not expect that but it was just easier getting on than me acting angry at him and then we were on a roll somehow and I had a few too many drinks and thought I would like a hug.

 

But when I woke up I do remember thinking "OH NO!" because I was in bed with this guy who had hit me that time before.

 

It's weird too because the emotional abuse I went through is a million times worse to me than the time this guy hit me. I guess long term emotional abuse is quite a dedicated and cold hearted endeavor which makes it seem more evil to me. But yes I was worried...

 

I just always seem to have abusive men around me quite honestly. I don't know where the nice ones even are.

 

Yes it was good what I did with the exes friend

 

And getting out was so sorely needed....it's just a shame that my ex was the one I hugged. It should be someone better

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Yeah I know I should forget them both.

 

I need to sort my life out. I don't have a clue what I'm doing.

 

I was planning on getting somewhere to live in a shared house but from starting my search seeing rooms I've realised it might be very stressful and lonely taking the job I've been offered-it would mean I'd have to live close to the work place's area which is really far away from any of my friends. I might tell them I don't want the job. It's also a very stressful job.

 

But instead of doing that I don't know what I will do or where I will live.

 

It is very hard to get a life in a short space of time after being with a controlling boyfriend for a year. I forgot what having friends was like. It would just be nice if one of them had a spare room and if that person who had a spare room was not an ex of mine who hit me with a broom once and says he doesn't even remember it....sigh: life

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My advice for what it's worth would be to take the job. You'll be better off using your job as a distraction, you will meet new people and possibly make new friends inside and outside of work. A change of habit is what you need. The job opportunity is there. Take it with both hands. Be positive. It will be hard for a few weeks adjusting but in time it will be worth it.

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I am going to do it yes. I don't think I can get out of it now seeing as they've gone on holiday! But I'm trying to find somewhere to live etc too. Sometimes it feels exciting and other times I feel terrified and want to hide in a corner.

 

But I need distractions now. And normally distractions for me are boys. But that doesn't seem to be working out for me so perhaps it should be jobs for a bit. I went out with my ex because I wanted some attention and was very sad. Look where that got me. And now I'm doing the same thing with another ex to get over this one-although I do not intend on taking it any further at all. It's sad that when I want someone to be close with because I'm sad they always seem to be abusive men. I'd like it if it was a really nice man who wanted to make me feel better. But it's always some horrible piece of work taking advantage because I'm vulnerable. Why does this keep happening?

 

My counselor says I am displacing my emotions onto abusive men because I feel like I deserve bad treatment for some reason. I don't know....my ex would make me feel so so good but the also so so bad. I still miss him lots and wish he'd reach out but I guess control is more important to him than anything so until he's sorted that out nothing will ever work for him in relationships. And that could be never.

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It seems you did great on the party! Congrats.

Still jumping from one ex to another while still trying to heal is a very very very bad idea. Please stop now until you are wrapped out in TWO ex`s you need to let go. That would be too much for one human being.

I vote for the job too. New job - new people, new possibilities. Good luck!

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That's really good to hear that your moving forward and taking the job. The feelings you have good and bad are natural for most people. It's hard on anyone starting a new job and being out of their own comfort zone. Like I said after a few weeks you will settle in and you will start realising that it wasn't so hard.

 

There are a lot of people in this work who take advantage of other. Men and women. There's obviously one common trend you seem attracted to with each partner you've been with. I don't believe people become abusive overnight. It's in their personality. And seeing as though you've been through this more than once you could be able to see warning signs much earlier in the friendship/relationship. Also people like that never change.

 

You have to tell yourself you deserve to be happy. And you deserve more. Which you do.

Good luck with the job and finding a place. Hope it works out for you.

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