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I did not cheat, but it feels like i did


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So me and my husband have know each other since I was 4 and he was 9, he was the first guy I ever crushed on, and it never stopped. We've been married for almost 4 years, its been hard because he is constantly at work and when he gets home there is such a lack of communication between us that it puts a strain on my emotions, we have a small child so I crave adult interaction(s). On Saturdays, I go out to karaoke with my folks, while at a Halloween party, I met this guy and we got to talking, it wasn't like I was " he's hot" im not really even attracted to the guy other than the fact that he listened to me, the next time I saw him after that was 2 weeks after I met him, we just hung out, and danced, but it wasn't anything sexual, he just liked hugs, which is fine as long as its nothing, well he walked me to my car, but it was nothing, he tried to kiss my neck and I told him no! that I was loyal and we could just be friends. He found me on facebook, and I gave him my number to text me, as friends, and only as friends! but it got out of hand, he was sending me fully clothed pictures of himself, and wanted me to send him pictures, I did not! I flirted and I kept the texts a secret because I was afraid that id my husband knew he would think that I had cheated, no matter what happened in this situation, I would have NEVER kissed or had intercourse with this person, I just wanted the attention, because me and my husband have little to no interaction, I've been living with the guilt, and I finally told my husband last night, I don't know whats going to happen, im guilty of being a dumb ass, and guilty of wanting attention. My husband and I have had previous conversations of how miserable we are with each other, and were constantly fighting, now that were better, I feel like I've cheated even though there was never any talks about anything sexual, just harmless flirting, I ended the friendship, I feel like im having trouble forgiving myself, I don't want to eat or sleep and its always on my mind please help!

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You didn't have sex with the guy --- but you certainly crossed boundaries that a married woman should not.

 

How did your husband respond?

 

 

he told me that I should feel guilty, just not to let it happen again, there's nothing he can or could say to me that can make me feel any worse about what I did.

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To the original poster,

 

Do you have any real female friends you can talk to? I think that a man should give a woman the attention she needs, but he does not always have to the collector of your complaints.

 

I am not saying that you are a complainer, but I think it would be healthy to have a few friends who can empathize with you. One thing that I have found is not very effective is complaining to the person you are complaining about.

 

Discussions are good, but when you need to get things off of your chest, you should be talking to people who are in a similar circumstance.

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You haven't done anything really bad...yet. But you are on a road. Find that off ramp pronto.

 

I ended it! we were just friends, but he wanted something more, I just wanted the attention, to make me feel good about myself again, it was not worth the guilt, im done with flirting! lesson learned!

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you were teetering right at the edge. I dont know how many times i've seen this but stop calling people that are trying to get into your pants as "friends". That is not a friendship, its an illusion of friendship that people love to use to justify what their doing. You're a rational human being capable of controlling your base emotions and desires not some animal in heat. You knew exactly what you were doing and chose to go along with it instead of having the strength to put a stop it sooner, but at least you seem to have let your brain instead of your emotion take over towards the end and did the right thing by stopping everything with that other guy.

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I agree with what everyone here has said.

 

I'd also like to add, I do have some experience with this. I still harbor guilt for the terrible way I treated my first husband. I've done things like what you have done - in particular, talking to someone without intending to cheat. In my situation, my then-husband was upset but was also non-confrontational and I had to ask him what was wrong and finally he told me. And now, over a decade later, I realize that yes, it was absolutely inappropriate to do what I have done. That particular incident wasn't cheating, but it made my husband feel betrayed. So yes, I do understand your situation.

 

I also needed to grow up and realize what it means to be committed and do things as if your spouse were looking over your shoulder - not because you don't want to get caught but just because you don't want to hurt them and you want to make sure they feel treasured.

 

However, all that said, it seems as if the two of you are in a rut or maybe going through a rough time. This is the root of your problem, so you need to focus on rectifying this situation. If he is stressed, ask him about it. Offer solutions. If there is something about him that irritates you, tell him, but when he's in a better mood. If there are no solutions you can offer for whatever problem he is having, then just tell him that you are there for him and you miss hanging out together and spending some quality time.

 

I know this is hard because you're parents now. If you have someone trusted who can watch your child, make a date night (or day). That's what my husband and I do. We set aside some hours once a week to just spend time together where we don't have to talk about the things that stress us out. It makes a huge difference, I'm telling you, because after we've had that quality time I can almost literally feel all this weight lifting off me, and I can see the difference in him too.

 

It's good that you feel guilty after this little 'indiscretion.' It means that you love your husband and are committed. Anyway, I hope that helped. Good luck.

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You now see the red flags that should have stopped you before - the guy was trying to get in your pants and you let him continue that charade by using the word "friends", you allow that your reason was a lack of attention and adult interaction, etc. You have the ingredients for the solution, you know what your motivation was and you know how you can change your life and your relationship to fix what was missing.

 

At this point, holding on to guilt is just a way of avoiding action.

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he just liked hugs, which is fine as long as its nothing, well he walked me to my car, but it was nothing, he tried to kiss my neck and I told him no! that I was loyal and we could just be friends. He found me on facebook, and I gave him my number to text me, as friends, and only as friends! but it got out of hand, he was sending me fully clothed pictures of himself, and wanted me to send him pictures, I did not!

So during this entire time you have not told him that you are married?

 

Single guys do not want to ask or exchanged numbers with married woman unless they don't care about your marriage. In fact they are not looking for a friendship with women, period. Everybody knows this, so there is no excuse that you didn't know.

 

There are two types of cheating: physical and emotional. You emotionally cheated on your husband.

 

It is not another mans responsibility to help fill YOUR unhappiness in YOUR marriage. If you are feeling this way, you need to go to marriage counseling.

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we were just talking it was never anything sexual in any way

 

yeah, perhaps to you, but not to him.

 

Still, it doesn't dismiss the fact that you allowed someone who wasn't your husband into a place of intimacy in your head in which he didn't belong. You did do that. You gave him your number---he didn't go creep that out of social media; you handed it to him. You flirted and kept the texts a secret--which is how emotional cheating sets up. You have absolutely no business keeping anything from your husband. Your duty was to sit down and talk to your husband about you concerns about your marriage, not to hand out your number to a guy who was kissing your neck in the parking lot because you miss adult interaction.

 

The sooner you stop lying to yourself about what you undertook, the better off you'll be in getting a grip on yourself.

 

Find a meet up group that does things with other young mothers like yourself to stimulate your need for adult interaction. And just so you know: life isnt' always easy. Being a parent isn't always easy and no one anywhere ever said it would be. There are men who prey on women like yourself because it's easy to turn your head with a little attention.

 

Your marriage is in trouble and your husband needs to be brought to a sound understanding of that fact. If he won't go to see a therapist, you go. There's your adult interaction.

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There's obviously a problem in your marriage... and you already know what you did was wrong... I completely agree that flogging yourself for your actions is not productive.

 

If you are really sorry - sorry means not doing it again. Being really sorry means taking action. You have to do something about it. It means addressing the problems in your marriage so that you aren't tempted.

 

It sounds like the problems are related to not having enough adult time and attention. I think you've gotten some great advice in this thread BOTH on how to do that within your marriage (date nights, etc) and ethically outside your marriage (mom groups, girl friends, etc)

 

... but if you are just crying about it... you aren't really sorry, IMO.

 

So - what steps will you take to make sure it doesn't happen again? Food for thought.

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You flirted with a man, and kept the texts secret from your Husband. This is emotional cheating. Just because you didn't sleep with him doesn't make this any better.

You were spending time & sharing emotions with someone who wasn't your spouse.

I think you & your Husband need to get into counselling asap

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we were just talking it was never anything sexual in any way

 

You may not have seen it as anything sexual, but he certainly did. You don't cuddle/hug/attempt to kiss a married woman if there isn't anything "sexual". You don't. Neither were you really friends. Friends do not disrespect each other's marriage or cross boundary lines like that. YOU may have chosen to believe him when he said that he only wanted to be friends, but I think deep down you know that wasn't true and you allowedy ourself to continue seeing him because you liked the attention. And if he were truly intent on just being friends, he would not have crossed those boundary lines.

 

This guy had no respect for your marriage and ending the friendship is necessary in order for your marriage to survive (which I think you said you did, so go you).

 

As for the guilt you are feeling, you need to translate that into working on your marriage. You said you have known this guy since you were children - that is a heck of a long time. I don't know how old you actually are, but I am guessing this is a very very lengthy relationship. ANY relationship that has stood the test of time runs teh risk of falling into "boring" patterns or feeling like you are being taken for granted.

 

Take some time to get to know your husband again. As others have suggested, try to go on dates and re-kindle the romance. Be OPEN with him about feeling underappreciated, rather than taking those complaints elsewhere and looking for other male attention. Communication is hugely important, even (and especially when) you have known each other forever.

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