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Girlfriend cheated on me, but I love her and don't want to lose her?


Jacko157

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Ok, so I've been with my girlfriend 5 months, and we're madly in love. It's been perfect since the start, and we both swear we would never hurt one another. I trusted her completely, and i went down south to see a cousin, and she went out with her mates, got far too drunk, didn't have any money to get back, so this guy said he'd get her a taxi but his money was at his, so she went with him. They got back and he came onto her, she let him, and they had unprotected sex. She says they didn't even kiss, and that as soon as it happened she started crying her eyes out and made him get a taxi, which he did. The day after, I got home, and she just burst into tears when she saw me, she wouldn't stop saying sorry, she said that it never meant to happen, she had tried pushing him away from her multiple times throughout the night.

 

As you can imagine, I was fuming. But I do love her, I really do, and I feel like I can forgive her, but can I forget it?

 

Would you forgive and forget in this situation? Am i doing the right thing? I want a future with this girl.

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I wouldn't tolerate cheating, no matter what the situation. People don't just accidentally wind up pants down and having sex. Its a purposeful decision (short of rape which obviously doesn't fall under cheating.)

 

I know for a fact I couldn't forget it, which is why I would end it immediately if it happened to me.

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Using being drunk is such a convenient excuse. Nobody forced her to go back to his. "she had tried pushing him away from her multiple times throughout the night." but then went back to his and evidently let him have unprotected sex with her, what a load of crap. When im really drunk and out with friends i want to send my bf flirty messages etc, not go bk to other guys. Most people say that everyone deserves a second chance but for me i dont think id be able to get over that.

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It was her fault:

 

1. For getting so drunk

2. For not having cab fare home.

3. For going home with him.

4. For getting into bed with him.

5. For having sex with him.

 

She didn't say he forced her --- because he didn't.

 

I'm guessing it was only after the deed was done and the immense weight of the guilt set in that she started to feel like she didn't want to have sex with him. She had no reason to be in a taxi with a stranger and then back at his.

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I can't believe the number of posts that start with "my partner and I are in love" but then go on to talk of the issues...

 

OP if she were madly in love with you she wouldn't have let this guy anywhere near her. Someone who is in love can't stand the thought of anyone else touching them other than the person they love. I'll let you draw your own conclusions from that

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First if you had sex since the "incident" go get tested and insist she does so too. Don't have unprotected sex with her ever again either, not knowing now what you know and the fact that not everything she may have gotten including AIDs from that little escapade will necessarily show up for a few months. Second at five months she should be so into you that she wouldn't have been having sex with another guy, drunk or not. Would you do that with a strange girl if she weren't there? If the answer is no then I hate to burst your bubble, but really only one of you is "so in love." And no alcohol doesn't cause a person to do that, it lowers the inhibitions but it doesn't put actions there that ren't already in place. In other words she has a tendency to have the philosophy "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with" and just uses alcohol as the excuse. In time she'll likely just skip that though and use something like "I'm bored, we're fighting, I don't know if I love you, I'm mad at you," etc. Third you've only been dating five months and while you may be wowed by what you've seen up to this point she is now letting the real her peek through, and that's someone who will go out and get plastered and have unprotected sex placing both her and you squarely at risk for diseases that can kill you, whenever you're not around. And tears are the easiest thing in the world to conjure up when you don't think you're going to get your way and/or you're upset when someone stands up to you. They mean zip all compared to her previous actions.

 

I doubt you'll take anyone's advice here, because you sound like you're already trying to figure out how to just hope it doesn't happen again and ignore the screaming red flag and neon danger signs sticking out of her everywhere. But just remember somewhere down the line you're going to be saying to yourself, "Crap, I should've just listened to my first instinct and kept walking."

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Using being drunk is such a convenient excuse. Nobody forced her to go back to his. "she had tried pushing him away from her multiple times throughout the night." but then went back to his and evidently let him have unprotected sex with her, what a load of crap. When im really drunk and out with friends i want to send my bf flirty messages etc, not go bk to other guys. Most people say that everyone deserves a second chance but for me i dont think id be able to get over that.

 

^^This!

 

I am truly sorry because I realize you must be in pain, but please take the time to look at her story a little more closely. She tailored it so that every step of that night wasn't her fault. And then she distracts you with her tears so she can appear truly sorry.

 

Again I apologize because I know you're hurting right now, but I really don't think the two of you are on the same page as far as dedication and committment.

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I'm really sorry this happened, but I have to agree with the majority here. How would you look at it if your mate came to you with this story about his GF, and asked your opinion from the outside?

 

You don't "accidentally" get that drunk.

If you're planning on drinking at ALL, you make sure you have alternate transportation home before drinking, unless you want a DUI on your record.

You NEVER go back to a random guy's house, drunk or not. Boyfriend or not. It's asking for twenty kinds of trouble, and cheating is the least of them.

She never mentions where her mates, the ones she went out WITH, are during this. Surely THEY had a way to get home?

Removing clothing takes conscious effort unless you're unconscious or being physically assaulted, neither of which seems the case.

 

So she went out, hooked up, and regretted it. There really isn't any pretty way to wrap it.

Whether or not you choose to forgive her is your call - but actually getting past it enough not to taint your relationship - that's a hurdle very few can actually manage.

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I am sorry for you, and for your immature, confused GF. 5 months into a relationships and she already got drunk and cheated on you, as soon as you got out of the city. People who love each other don't do that, so don't full yourself with all that "we are so madly in love".

She promised you to never hurt you, but she couldn't care less about you being hurt.

I agree with one of the posts that when I am out with friends, drinking or not, first of all - all I can think of is my BF, and how I want to be back with him as soon as the night is over. And especially if you are tipsy you think about your other half, and you will NEVER go to some strangers place and take your panties off, because you had no money with you. What is she - paying for a ride home with her body?

Please be wiser, dump her and move on with your life. You deserve a girl that respects you and love you. You have been together for 5 months only, get out while you still can.

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If she pushed him away several times in the bar and wasn't liking it, why drive to his place with him in the middle of the night as soon as her friends left the place? You can call a taxi and pay them when you get home. Her excuses are lame.

 

OP didn't say when she started pushing him away. Could have been at his place.

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They got back and he came onto her, she let him, and they had unprotected sex. and after she1987 wrote basically what I just wrote OP said She has said it was her fault for not trying to stop him, she didn't tell me he forced himself onto her.

 

Even if it happened at his place, she LET HIM have sex with her, and she went to his place, drunk! And when she told OP what happened she wasn't saying it was rape. She said she cheated. So she knows what she did and whose fault it was.

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Even if it happened at his place, she LET HIM have sex with her,

 

Yeah, because it's so easy for a drunk girl who's been taken by surprise to fend off a guy trying to have sex with her.

 

Why don't a few of you try empathising with the girl in the situation and ask yourself if it was your little sister, whether you'd still think she deserved what happened. How about if she was blacked out before he started on her? Her choices would have been identical, the end result the same, but I suspect you'd find it a bit more difficult to say that she wasn't raped.

 

OP, your girlfriend didn't cheat on you; she failed to protect herself against a situation she shouldn't have had to protect herself from in the first place, a dude took advantage of her, and you're happy to lay the blame squarely at her feet without thinking any further. Top bloke. She may feel guilty, she may be trying to cope with and process what happened, that doesn't relieve you of the responsibility of thinking about whether what happened was her fault in the first place.

 

This is a good resource that might explain, in accessible language, exactly what is wrong with what happened as well as what's happening here in this thread.

 

link removed

 

She needs your support, not your judgement.

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The fact that she went drinking (heavily) right after her BF left town, gives me an idea on whose fault it was.

There is not a word there about blacking out or being afraid of the guy or about the rape. A lot of girls lie to their BF after they cheat that they were forced and raped, when actually they were just drunk having fun. This one wasn't even denying it.

My imaginary younger sister will be smart enough not to get drunk, leave her friends and get into the car with a total stranger in the middle of the night, because his money is at his place. I mean you are a young lady, you are visibly drunk, and no matter how much I believe in the best in people, the guy was CLEARLY after one thing only, and please don't try to convince me she had no idea.

If she was raped she would call the police next day instead of apologizing and crying to her BF about her hook-up the night before.

I know that some rape victims never tell police or anybody what happened. She did immediately. So she knows what happened. She was crying because she felt guilty, not because she felt raped.

 

By the way, I was physically abused, and I know how hard it is to fight a man back, sober or not, and I am not defending the guy by any means. I just think that it is obvious that she went there by her own choice, knowing exactly what will happen.

 

And I mean, come on, who goes out drinking without any money? If she had her card she could just ask the taxi to drive to the closest place where she can get cash. I saw my friends face down drunk, girls or boys, still being able to get a taxi, or call somebody who has a car and who is sober.

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Read what I posted again, properly this time, read the link, then come back and tell me whether your position is the same.

 

All she's guilty of is getting drunk. It's a bad choice because it puts her at risk of being victimised by a guy who's willing to force himself on her. And that's what happened.

 

You wanna pretend that leaving herself at increased risk of attack means that she wasn't attacked? I can't stop you. But hopefully I can open your mind a little to the possibility that people make mistakes, and those mistakes aren't rightly punishable by a stranger forcing you to have sex with him.

 

If not, and you ever get mugged, raped or otherwise attacked, remember these posts of yours and take comfort in the fact that, by your own measure, you had it coming.

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By the way, I was physically abused, and I know how hard it is to fight a man back, sober or not, and I am not defending the guy by any means. I just think that it is obvious that she went there by her own choice, knowing exactly what will happen.

 

And I mean, come on, who goes out drinking without any money? If she had her card she could just ask the taxi to drive to the closest place where she can get cash. I saw my friends face down drunk, girls or boys, still being able to get a taxi, or call somebody who has a car and who is sober.

 

Based on the OP's post, I don't think any of us can judge her intent. Though if what she said is true about her trying to push him away, then that doesn't seem to me like someone who wanted to have sex.

 

Did she make stupid choices? Sure. Does that mean someone should have taken advantage of her?

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Be offended, but realise that what I said is completely consistent with your stated position, that a victim who in any way contributes to their vulnerability is responsible for the actions of any aggressor that chooses to take advantage of that vulnerability.

 

That hypothetical little sister? Tell me with a straight face that girls getting drunk at parties, unaware of their own vulnerability, is a rarity, then you can say that "she'd never put herself in that position".

 

Tell me that you can't comprehend that a drunk girl, finding her "nice" newfound friend suddenly forcing himself on her despite her protests, in his house, might be more compliant than a kicking, screaming mess once she realised it was happening whether she wanted it or not, if only so that she wasn't violently raped?

 

You seem to be saying that OP's ggirlfriend should be held substantially responsible for being naive and not assuming that all men are out to rape any vulnerable woman they come accross. That is concerning. I suspect most women don't hold such a guarded position, until it happens to them or a friend.

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