My fiancé's ex ('baby mama') doesn't know boundaries

[kaytran]

A little background on my situation; my fiancé has a three year old son who he takes care of almost 24/7 (including ALL expenses), the mother will take him usually/sometimes about once a week depending on whether or not she decides to go out that weekend. I've never met the mother or spoken to her but that doesn't stop her from calling me names, trying to break up our engagement/relationship (ex. Creating a fake phone number to text my fiancé and pretending that she was a girl that my fiancé supposedly hooked up with) and keeping her son away from me. Recently my fiancé and I moved in together and I've seen that she calls several times every night. She'll ask him where he is, what he's doing and whether or not he's with me. If she realizes he is with me she will start saying things to try to get to me. All of this bothers me to the point of tears because I'm so frustrated and I don't know what to do. I understand that she needs to talk to him about their son but I don't see why she needs to know his whereabouts and what he's doing. I've talked to my fiancé about it and he agrees with me but obviously we can't control what comes out of her mouth, she will say what she wants. Please tell me, am I overreacting here? Is this not a big deal and I'm making it into one. Is there anything I can do about this or is it one of those things that like so much else I'm just going to have to deal?

 

Note: I apologize if I rambled too much, I'm pretty new at this forum posting and so I didn't want to leave anything out. Thank you so much for any advice I'm really struggling here.

[Edmund Exley]

She isn't the problem. That he hasn't put his foot down with her is the problem.

[ParisPaulette]

Agree with Edumund on this. Your fiancee needs to start enforcing boundaries or this is what it will always be.

[kaytran]

I think I agree.. And we've talked/argued about this many many times before (about her controlling his life) and things have gotten better. But I think that even if he does tell her that she needs to stop she will continue doing it.

[QWit]

Your fiancee needs to put his foot down..

[bulletproof]

I've never met the mother or spoken to her but that doesn't stop her from calling me names, trying to break up our engagement/relationship.

 

If you've never met her, how do you know she's calling you names? Or what she is saying to him on his phone?

 

In my opinion, he should not be repeating these things to you, for starters. Nor should you be reading his messages. It seems that the best way for this to be resolved is for you to wash your hands of it, and for him to deal with her firmly, which he clearly hasn't been doing. He is obviously answering her texts and questions. Why?

 

You will not succeed in changing her. You can only change your reaction to it all. And your boyfriend needs to change his reaction as well, I think.

[kaytran]

I don't go through his messages, I'm not that type of person. He has younger nieces (teenagers) who will tell me things although I don't ask to hear it, I think maybe they think I would want to know what she's saying about me? I'm not quite sure but I havn't said anything to them because I don't want to hurt their feelings.

 

I agree, I know I can't change her and I think that's why I'm frustrated about all of this because I realize I have no control over the situation and that it's my reaction that I need to change.

[Kendahke]

Your engagement has a very short shelf life. If I was you, I'd move back out and get on with my life. Your boyfriend has absolutely no wish to put his ex in her place and as long as he's not willing to demand that she respect your home you're sharing with him, this will continue until she has effectively popped you out of there.

 

Your boy is the problem, darling, not the babymama.

[Kendahke]

I don't go through his messages, I'm not that type of person. He has younger nieces (teenagers) who will tell me things although I don't ask to hear it, I think maybe they think I would want to know what she's saying about me? I'm not quite sure but I havn't said anything to them because I don't want to hurt their feelings.

 

I agree, I know I can't change her and I think that's why I'm frustrated about all of this because I realize I have no control over the situation and that it's my reaction that I need to change.

 

Tell the little meddling nieces to keep it to themselves. They're only saying it to watch your reaction for their amusement.

[bulletproof]

I'm not quite sure but I havn't said anything to them because I don't want to hurt their feelings.

 

I think you just need to tell them that it hurts *your* feelings to discuss it and that you no longer wish to do so.

[agent1607307371]

He hasn't told her that you've moved in together?

[mhowe]

Why is he even entertaining answering the phone in the middle of the night. Especially if he has the baby with him?

I think he likes the drama/attention.

[Edmund Exley]

I think I agree.. And we've talked/argued about this many many times before (about her controlling his life) and things have gotten better. But I think that even if he does tell her that she needs to stop she will continue doing it.

 

And how do you make her stop?

[kaytran]

He hasn't told her that you've moved in together?

 

He has but the move was very recent.

[kaytran]

Why is he even entertaining answering the phone in the middle of the night. Especially if he has the baby with him?

I think he likes the drama/attention.

 

No, that's not true. He almost never even talks about her, it's usually me bringing it up when I try to talk to him about problems we need to solve or when I ask when she's coming to get their son. But I'm sorry I forgot to mention that she has full custody of their son so he tries not to piss her off too much or she threatens him with taking their son away.

[mhowe]

my fiancé has a three year old son who he takes care of almost 24/7 (including ALL expenses),

 

How does she have custody?

[metrogirl]

I'm so confused.

 

He doesn't have to talk to her in the middle of the night, I wouldn't even answer the phone. Also if she is threatening him with taking the boy away, he can petition the court for suitable custody arrangements since he is providing for the boy. Something just isn't adding up.

[kaytran]

my fiancé has a three year old son who he takes care of almost 24/7 (including ALL expenses),

 

How does she have custody?

 

I wish I could tell you. She's managed to get custody of all three of her children, each of the fathers lost in court. There's nothing bad enough about her that the court would deem her an unfit mother. Too bad they don't take into account that she's not faithful and that she barely even sees her own children. She moved to California leaving two of her three children behind and my fiancé was planning to take her to court again after 6 months of her being gone but she moved back.

[kaytran]

I'm so confused.

 

He doesn't have to talk to her in the middle of the night, I wouldn't even answer the phone. Also if she is threatening him with taking the boy away, he can petition the court for suitable custody arrangements since he is providing for the boy. Something just isn't adding up.

 

She calls usually at night anywhere from 8-11 p.m. so we are usually still awake at that time. He will usually ignore the first few calls but she will continue to call so he answers to get rid of her. As for the custody over their son, they have gone through one custody battle which he obviously lost. We can't afford another one and I think he's scared that if he goes through one more and loses she will try to keep his son away from him permanently.

[metrogirl]

I wish I could tell you. She's managed to get custody of all three of her children, each of the fathers lost in court. There's nothing bad enough about her that the court would deem her an unfit mother. Too bad they don't take into account that she's not faithful and that she barely even sees her own children. She moved to California leaving two of her three children behind and my fiancé was planning to take her to court again after 6 months of her being gone but she moved back.

 

He doesn't have to wait for anything to petition the court.

[Cheetarah]

Does he have ANY court-ordered visitation? Or is this all at her discretion/allowance?

[Kendahke]

I wish I could tell you. She's managed to get custody of all three of her children, each of the fathers lost in court. There's nothing bad enough about her that the court would deem her an unfit mother. Too bad they don't take into account that she's not faithful and that she barely even sees her own children. She moved to California leaving two of her three children behind and my fiancé was planning to take her to court again after 6 months of her being gone but she moved back.

 

there is such a thing as abandonment and the fact that she was gone for 6 months is verifiable and documentable. Your boyfriend is wimping out if he's going to balk at taking her to court for abandoning the child and not sending support home to care for the child. No, what the problem is is that she's screws and gets pregnant by men who don't want to take care of their children and that's why they have not taken her to court to challenge her.

 

Your boyfriend needs a shark of a lawyer who will put that woman under the courthouse by the time he's through with her. NO woman who takes off and forgets her child for 6 months is a fit mother. Period.

[kaytran]

Does he have ANY court-ordered visitation? Or is this all at her discretion/allowance?

 

Yes you're right, it's all at her discretion. Which means she leaves their son with him most of the time but tells everyone she takes care of him.

[Cheetarah]

Ok, why does your fiancee not have court-ordered parenting time? Unless he is some kind of proven danger, he can seek it out and WILL get some kind of visitation. What happened with the custody case?

[Kendahke]

She calls usually at night anywhere from 8-11 p.m. so we are usually still awake at that time. He will usually ignore the first few calls but she will continue to call so he answers to get rid of her. As for the custody over their son, they have gone through one custody battle which he obviously lost. We can't afford another one and I think he's scared that if he goes through one more and loses she will try to keep his son away from him permanently.

 

does the phone not have an off button? If it's a landline, you can unhook the phone from the wall and it won't ring.

 

I don't understand how he can lose on a case of abandonment, unless he's playing that stupid game of "go along to get along". In any case, he needs to get in contact with a father's rights organization and press the case of her abandoning the child for 6 months and not supporting the boy while she was gone.