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I am married to a wonderful man but we've become more like room mates than lovers. In fact, it's been like this for the past few years. Anyway, about three months ago, a flirtatious situation with a man became more than flirtation and we've been seeing each other for the past three months. The sex is toe-curling! We both agreed that we were FWB and that was fine early on. We have since developed deep feelings for each other and the sex keeps getting better and better. I recently decided to tell my husband that I'm no longer happy in our marriage and I told my FWB that I was going to tell the hubby. I won't lie, my FWB is part of the reason I want to tell the hubby, but not the only reason. I need to be happy and currently, I'm not. The only time I feel happiness is when I'm with the FWB. The problem? FWB totally freaked out and said that he didn't want to be the reason I break up my family and that he wanted no part of it. He's called it quits effective immediately. While I know in my heart it's the right thing to do, I'm miserable and wish I would have never said anything to him about possibly ending my marriage. I guess it's true, there is no such things as being FWB.

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I"m confused. How does marriage to a "wonderful" man make that man's wife even bend her mind to consider any action which would destroy that "wonderful" man? How can there be absolutely no communication in the marriage that things get to the point where you're screwing another man?

 

But the big thing I think you missed is that you are confused about what a FWB is. Generally speaking, they do not want the rigors, demands and obligations of a relationship. IT's strictly a "hit it and quit it" arrangement. When you began shifting the lines by talking about leaving your husband, he took it as you wanting to shift your focus onto making what you had with him into a relationship. He didn't sign up to be your man---he was there to get his johnson wet and keep it moving.

 

The marriage needed to be sorted out first; then once you were divorced, you could take up with whomever you wanted.

 

And someone who is that quick to drop you off at the mall wasn't developing any deep feelings for you. That is relationship territory, not FWB territory.

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We have since developed deep feelings for each other and the sex keeps getting better and better.

I think this is where you made an error in thinking- he clearly did not develop the same "deep feelings" despite what he may have been saying to you.

 

The only time I feel happiness is when I'm with the FWB.

This is a problem separate from the entire situation, and likely what led to this happening in the first place. You will never find happiness in external situations. You need to be happy within yourself. Be grateful that this guy is not entering into a relationship with you, because it really doesn't sound like you're mentally healthy enough to be in one.

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I guess it's true, there is no such things as being FWB.

 

Well there is, but there's also such a thing as karma too. Look at it another way, now you know what you're husband feels like. And if you enter into a friends with benefits agreement it means just that. Of course, that's all he wanted, you're a married woman remember? You had a husband, you just wanted some on the side fun, it was all good--ie. he never wanted you for something more and he doesn't now.

 

And FWB doesn't work with you obviously since you can't seem to separate sex and love. But I think you're better off working out what you're going to do with your marriage and why you ended up having to go outside of it to get sexual gratification. Obviously it wasn't working before this guy showed up. Take a hint that either marriage doesn't work for you or this marriage doesn't work for you and work out how you won't find yourself in this unenviable position in the future. And also putting someone else there too.

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I think you should definitely focus on your marriage whether it's time to call it quits or work to resolve anything.

 

I agree with Kendahke, you started treating the new sex partner as a replacement husband, but your relationship was built on the consensus that it was just FWB.

 

 

If you want to work on giving your marriage another shot, then I hope you don't mind me providing my thoughts. I recommend a marriage counselor. Most often, a partner stops being happy, but still sees their spouse as fulfilling the needs to maintain their life. And once you read the rest of what I have to say and you feel like giving it another chance. Get a counselor to help you both communicate and resolve the issues. But I think resolving those issues is easier once the commitment of "love" is there from each partner.

 

What it sounds like to me is you want to feel some excitement and fun. Do you feel loved by your husband? Or do you just know that he loves you?

 

My recommendation, ask you husband if he feels loved by you? Don't pretense it with any of this FWB relationship. You can divulge that later.

 

Ask him if he feels that you love him? And then ask him what it is that you do, that makes him feel loved? Or if he does not, ask him what would make him feel loved?

 

Thank him and move along to other topics. But then, ask yourself, those same two questions. And then work to communicate those needs to him, if he loves you then he will meet your requests. But make sure they are requests, not demands, not ultimatums. If there is somethings outside his ability or comfort, then start a bit smaller and work on a compromised approach.

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Kendahke, Bulletproof, Paris Paulette, Catchers Rye,

I appreciate your honest answers, suggestions and replies. That's why I posted this on here, because I need sound objective advice.

 

I have suggested counseling in the past, but the hubs' take on that is that "he doesn't need some stranger poking around in our business". So, that idea is out. However, thanks to all of you, I think I will pursue counseling on my own. I agree, happiness has to start from within. Hopefully, counseling will help me regain that happiness.

 

Again, I appreciate your truths and comments. Have a blessed day, and by the way, I'm not a bad person, ok?

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>>The sex is toe-curling!

 

That's like saying bank robbery is exhilarating! Sure it's a rush, you can get killed in the process too.

 

An affair is the equivalent of that in a marriage. Very exciting, but can wreck your life and head. It is all high romance and the excitement of stolen moments and none of the reality of day to day life with a long time spouse.

 

And the problem isn't that there is no such thing as FWB, the problem is you wanted to turn this from FWB into something else, and your FWB just wasn't interested in that. In fact, he probably never was. When it comes time to look for a 'real' relationship, he is not going to want to tie himself to someone he KNOWS will have affairs (as you are doing to your husband) and hence if you get bored you'd do the same thing to him.

 

So lesson learned! I think you can go to counseling on your own to talk about this affair, and that is what you should do...

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I do not condone cheating, but I don't think that is the point of this thread. People in relationships can stop communicating to their partners with actions/words that they love them. Whether it's due to time apart or something else, partners can forget how to communicate to their partner "love" in such a way their partner is most receptive to.

 

She should take the opportunity to go to counseling and figure things out. Relationships can survive infidelity, they can survive when one or both partners feel like there's no love. They just have to realize what it is they are looking for and decide whether or not both partners are willing to work at it.

 

Sounds to me like the husband was never willing to get outside help and that can start breaking up the unity they used to share to work through problems. Love is a choice, it's not just a surge of emotion is lasting as long as both people are working together.

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>>Sounds to me like the husband was never willing to get outside help>>

 

So let's just blame the victim here??? seriously, if you have a problem with your husband you tell him that you need counseling and if he won't work on it then you'll leave. you don't just run off for some 'toe-curling' with another man because hubby got comfortable and thought his marriage was doing just fine... she's the one who decided to bang some other guy for excitement, rather than choosing to do the hard thing and confront her husband and work on her marriage.

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>>Sounds to me like the husband was never willing to get outside help>>

 

So let's just blame the victim here??? seriously, if you have a problem with your husband you tell him that you need counseling and if he won't work on it then you'll leave. you don't just run off for some 'toe-curling' with another man because hubby got comfortable and thought his marriage was doing just fine... she's the one who decided to bang some other guy for excitement, rather than choosing to do the hard thing and confront her husband and work on her marriage.

 

I am not blaming her husband. She did what she did. There's no point in discussing whether it was right or wrong. She is talking to us about her current situation. Not months ago when she first met her ex-FWB.

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I have suggested counseling in the past, but the hubs' take on that is that "he doesn't need some stranger poking around in our business".

 

It's good that you are starting with counseling on your own. But eventually, you might get to a point when you have to tell your husband that the relationship depends on him going to joint counseling with you. It sounds like he doesn't understand the severity of the situation at this point.

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It's good that you are starting with counseling on your own. But eventually, you might get to a point when you have to tell your husband that the relationship depends on him going to joint counseling with you. It sounds like he doesn't understand the severity of the situation at this point.

 

And if she feels like it's come to that point, she can be honest with him about her infidelity. She can't expect him to attend counseling with her to 'work on' some sham of a marriage he's not even aware of the reality of.

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And if she feels like it's come to that point, she can be honest with him about her infidelity. She can't expect him to attend counseling with her to 'work on' some sham of a marriage he's not even aware of the reality of.

 

Number one, she says she has suggested counseling in the past- we don't know if that was prior to any infidelity. Not an excuse for her to cheat, but she certainly had the right to ask him to consider counseling within a marriage. Number two, she has not said whether she is going to tell him or not. And number three, there is the chance that counseling will bring it out into the open. And number four, where did I say she shouldn't be honest with him about the cheating? I was addressing a completely different point.

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What enrages me about cheating is that the cheater has decided that their partner is on a "need to know" basis and that they don't NEED TO KNOW something soooo critical to their own marriage. So YOU know you're a cheat...your FWB knows your a cheat, and your husband doesn't get to make an INFORMED decision about HIS OWN life. Really its INFURIATING as someone who was cheated on. So he's just along for the ride?

I don't care if he didn't want to go to counseling, hates counseling, isn't happy, is a depressed and miserable pri** or anything else....end your marriage FIRST and then go have your toes curled.

Absolutely mind boggling that someone could think so little of someone they took vows to. I really will never understand how someone could be so selfish. Yea, you're not a bad person....is your husband? Probably not. So why treat him like a blind, deaf and dumb passenger on your ride through life? Totally insulting.

Two cents of a woman who's husband cheated and had to find out from someone else. I have zero respect for that.

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What enrages me about cheating is that the cheater has decided that their partner is on a "need to know" basis and that they don't NEED TO KNOW something soooo critical to their own marriage. So YOU know you're a cheat...your FWB knows your a cheat, and your husband doesn't get to make an INFORMED decision about HIS OWN life.

I've just reread both of the OP's posts, and nowhere does it say that she doesn't plan to tell her husband. I think this point was brought up by another poster.

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I've just reread both of the OP's posts, and nowhere does it say that she doesn't plan to tell her husband. I think this point was brought up by another poster.

 

Telling him after the fact is still lacking in respect but point taken....I should stay out of all threads regarding cheating and lying to your spouse as its way too much of a hot button for me.

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Number one, she says she has suggested counseling in the past- we don't know if that was prior to any infidelity. Not an excuse for her to cheat, but she certainly had the right to ask him to consider counseling within a marriage. Number two, she has not said whether she is going to tell him or not. And number three, there is the chance that counseling will bring it out into the open. And number four, where did I say she shouldn't be honest with him about the cheating? I was addressing a completely different point.

Great. My comment stands OP don't you dare ask your husband to go to marriage counseling without telling him about your infidelity first. He has a right not to waste his time.

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Great. My comment stands OP don't you dare ask your husband to go to marriage counseling without telling him about your infidelity first. He has a right not to waste his time.

 

Am I understanding this correctly- that if she tells him she cheated, he will consider counseling a waste of time (as you so clearly do)?

 

I feel that there are many couples who would disagree that a marriage is automatically over after someone cheats.

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Am I understanding this correctly- that if she tells him she cheated, he will consider counseling a waste of time (as you so clearly do)?

 

I feel that there are many couples who would disagree that a marriage is automatically over after someone cheats.

 

I don't think there is any prediction here that he will or won't consider counseling a waste of his time....but he has the right to make that choice for himself.

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I don't think there is any prediction here that he will or won't consider counseling a waste of his time....but he has the right to make that choice for himself.

 

I think you're right, he should be able to make that choice. I am perhaps reading into that particular post because I know the poster's history and his very adamant opinion of what's wrong and right.

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Am I understanding this correctly- that if she tells him she cheated, he will consider counseling a waste of time (as you so clearly do)?

 

I feel that there are many couples who would disagree that a marriage is automatically over after someone cheats.

 

Precisely. I would never tolerate it and OP's husband deserves the same choice.

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