Getting better but still having difficulty with some things.

[deejay74]

Early last week I did a lot of self analyzation and about the relationship and I realized some things that have helped me move on. I was feeling better, I felt like a little bit of weight had been lifted off of me, and I feel like I have moved on to the "acceptance" stage regarding grieving over the relationship.

I even thought about my ex ever so slightly less and my thoughts of her were a little different, I can't explain it.

 

I've blocked my ex from everything I could and she had me blocked from some things already for some time now, such as her cell phone and my emails are getting filtered. There were a few times where I wanted to unblock her from FB just to see her face but the fear of seeing something that might hurt me is scary enough for me not to look. I think last contact was at the end of November, initiated by me but I got no response. NC since then.

 

I know that there will be ups and downs in progress, so what I am having a hard time with might be part of that. Yesterday and today I've been feeling really sad and some of those feelings that I thought I moved on from are back, but not as strong.

 

At any rate, here are some things that I'm still having difficulty with:

 

1. This apartment I'm in. Without going into details and explaining the whole situation again, my ex and I got this apartment and we're both on the lease. She left me 2 days before moving in. It's a privately owned condo and the owner would not amend the lease, so my ex is still on it but she and her mom got a lawyer to have me sign an agreement that absolves her from any responsibility and they paid me off with a lump sum for her portion of the rent. What I am having a hard time with is being constantly reminded that this was supposed to be "ours". There's an empty bedroom. I think about this every time I leave for work and come home. I have a dog but it's not the same. I am craving human contact when I am home, especially from my ex. Sometimes I wish she was there. It makes me sad she isn't.

 

2. I am forgetting the bad things she did to me. I am starting to miss her a bit more. I want her to contact me. I wonder is she is hurting or misses me. Even though I reached out to her the last time, our last interaction over email ended really badly. She always proclaimed her commitment to me but she dumped me 5 times and was emotionally cheating on me with a guy from Chicago with whom she slept with before. She communicated with him on a daily basis and always claimed they were just online BFFs but I had proof they were more than that. What's funny is that she said she never would've left me for him, but that's like me having sex with someone and saying to my ex I would never leave my ex for the woman I was having sex with. Even after the break up, she said she might go up to Chicago to try again to see if they're compatible. I keep wondering if that ever happened and what their relationship is like now. I am sure the sex talk and romantic chats have increased a lot.

 

3. I'm taking most of the blame for the relationship. I have issues, and some of them were unresolved before I met her and I think some of them helped contribute to the demise. My ex feels she did nothing wrong and like I said, always proclaimed her commitment to me and said she did nothing wrong.

 

4. Feeling lonely. I am in no way ready to date, but I am feeling lonely.

 

5. This time last year we just started dating and I was so happy back then. We clicked really fast and I was falling for her. Also, on the 26th with be exactly 3 months since the BU. It's also winter and the holidays so I think that has some affect on my mood.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading.

[sharky988]

Well, it's understandable you're still reeling when you've only been NC for two weeks!

 

So you've listed all the difficulties you're having.... now make a list of all the things you're doing every day to help yourself feel better and move on! I want to see them.

 

Are you exercising hard, every day?

 

Are you taking steps to meet new people? Joining clubs / taking classes / volunteering / learning a new hobby?

 

Have you checked out link removed?

 

How about a new life goal for yourself -- something that feeds your soul and makes you feel happy and inspired every time you think about it? Something for YOU, for YOUR future?

 

You're looking at your world and seeing all the negatives. It's time to start looking ahead and seeing how you can start yourself moving forward in a positive direction. Just imo.

[deejay74]

Well, it's understandable you're still reeling when you've only been NC for two weeks!

 

So you've listed all the difficulties you're having.... now make a list of all the things you're doing every day to help yourself feel better and move on! I want to see them.

 

Are you exercising hard, every day?

 

Are you taking steps to meet new people? Joining clubs / taking classes / volunteering / learning a new hobby?

 

Have you checked out link removed?

 

How about a new life goal for yourself -- something that feeds your soul and makes you feel happy and inspired every time you think about it? Something for YOU, for YOUR future?

 

You're looking at your world and seeing all the negatives. It's time to start looking ahead and seeing how you can start yourself moving forward in a positive direction. Just imo.

 

Really, seems a lot longer than 2 weeks. I think it may be 3? But wow, it seems like months.

 

Hmm, let's see:

1. I have joined a few meet up groups, went to one of them yesterday.

2. Trying to eat healthy.

3. Trying to spend time with friends, but that's hard during the week, so I am alone after work.

 

Oh, you asked for stuff I do every day. Well, I think you got me there.

 

You know what, you just made me realize something. I know that doing all of those things you just listed like working out, taking classes, new hobby are things that will help me, but for some reason, I am having a hard time forcing myself to do those things. I keep making excuses. For example, with the exercising, I am limited in what I can do because I have a bad shoulder that dislocates very easy. I need surgery to fix it but I can't get it because I lost all my PTO from the gov't shutdown in October. I am making that time up as we speak.

 

I also have a dog, so I make excuses about not taking classes or things like that because I have to get home to walk/feed him before I can leave the house again.

 

I am having a BIG problem with motivation right now.

 

Thanks for opening my eyes a bit.

 

EDIT: I just got honest with myself. I almost don't want to do the work to get myself better because it's hard and I am exhausted. It's so hard for me that I just get overwhelmed when I think about what I need to do.

[jonyyy]

Hey deejay74, stay strong!

 

1. Try to make the apartment your own. Rearrange it, buy new stuff, change furniture. Make it at your own image as a single guy!

 

2. You only harm yourself with those thoughts. You gain nothing from them. Think to yourself that they are useless, nothing you can do about what she's doing. Plus you're switching the focus to her when right know it's all about you.

 

3. You have to think that you did the best you could at that time. You are not now who you were in the past. Don't see and think the past with glasses of the present. You can't change nothing, again, it's useless to dwell on it besides than take the lessons.

 

4. This is normal and OK. Unfortunatley I don't think there's much you can do. At least I didn't find a magic solution for myself.

 

5. I'm also going through this. My thinking is, those dates will be very hard but I say to myself, it will only hurt a lot the first time. Because you will add a memory of you giong through the day alone. After you go through that specific day alone, when you think of that day, you will remember her but also REMEMBER that you went by it ALONE and you did fine. It's just a day in the end.

 

Sorry for poor english.

[Newbuck80]

I feel you on the motivation thing man. Since my breakup I can't seem to get moving. Like you, things are starting to get better for me. I still think about her, but am far less emotional about it now. For some reason I am feeling down today and missing her like crazy. I've read here to expect days like this after you think you're starting to heal. Anyways, keep your head up and I will try to do the same.

[deejay74]

Your english is great!

 

As far as #1 is concerned, all the furniture in there is mine. She never made it to the apartment. I moved in a week before her so nothing of hers was ever in there.

 

Thank you for the rest of your post. You're right about what you said.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for sharing. Glad to know I am not alone in this. It's funny, I'm feeling really down today and missing my ex like crazy too.

[jonyyy]

I struggled a lot with the motivation thing in the first times.

 

What has been working for me is, I did a list of small doable things that I really enjoy, that when I do them, I lose track of time, I'm purely enjoying the moment. I did a list because when you're heartbroken your mind always seems to suggest you that there's nothing worth doing, you do not like doing anything anymore etc at least mine was doing this to me. So even if when you check the list and your mind says "ah you don't like doing that thing that much blabla", you have to TRUST the list.

 

So I go ahead, check the list and do one of them. After I'm done with them I think to myself: damn that was great, that was so good, can't wait to do it again, I feel great now! I focus on the aftermath feelings that I have.

 

By inducing myself thinking of how good was that little experience, how good it felt, it seems to trick my mind into the next days giving me random thoughts of wanting to repeat that again. Or at least my mind does not offers so much resistance when I contemplate repeating that thing.

[deejay74]

hmm, that's a good idea. maybe breaking these things i know i need to do into little lists may make it feel less overwhelming and difficult.

 

thank you!

[SooSad33]

I'm sure, inside, you KNOW this wasn't all 'your fault'. You were not the one to find an interest in someone in Chicago, that was her doing...

 

Like Sharky mentioned, 'try' and turn some things around to look at some positive in your life?

We understand that 'lonliness'. I dont have anyone around me either and dont want anyone. I know i'm not ready for that and won't be, for a while to come.

Good for you not running into something again..while you're still healing!

 

You're doing it right... I am about the same re: contact. It's so very hard NOT to reach out, but it is for the best..as we try and heal over this.

I just keep busy, doing stuff online, shopping, cleaning, dealing with my kids and working on myself. I need and want my 'down time' away from too much hussle n bussle around town. Im not into being overly socialable at this time, but I do still go out- cpl times a week.

 

One day at a time... is all we can do.

 

tc

[deejay74]

No, I know it wasn't ALL my fault. But my ex sure did like to remind me and that it was and blamed me for everything. I have issues and so did she. The biggest difference is I never ran away. She did, and she has the nerve to keep saying she was committed to me and "went through hell" with me. Really? I don't recall us every going through hell. Besides some of the issues I had, I treated her like a princess, but at the same time, I wasn't a door mat. She had no concept of boundaries, or at least when her BF was trying to set some. She said it was a "control" thing.

 

Yeah, I've got to keep reminding me of all the good things in my life, of which there are many things. I guess we get so caught up and blinded by our pain and heartbreak, we forget about the other things in life that make us happy. That's one thing I've learned hard and in the most painful way: do not put your validation into someone else. I did that with my ex. And when she left, I felt worthless.

 

If you don't mind me asking a personal question, don't you miss sex? I do, especially with my ex.

 

I just did some retail therapy last week and waiting for all the shipments to come in this week. It did feel good because I bought a bunch of clothes so my image of myself can be improved a bit. I also bought 2 new eye frames. the ones i have now are a few years old.

[deejay74]

Ok, so after I posted this my day turned out kind of badly.

 

A good female friend of mine that I usually chat with every day messaged me today to tell me she is worried about me. We will call her ET (don't laugh). ET, me, and a bunch of others went out on Saturday. I meet up with my good friend's girlfriend, L. Well, L is friends with my ex on Facebook. I introduced them IRL at a BBQ that was at L's and my friend's place over the summer. My ex doesn't have any real life friends that she regularly sees. She talks to them online. What I know about my ex and L is they're not really friends, just FB friends. And that they really don't even communicate on there.

 

At any rate, L and I go to where these 2 girls live: EL and S. So on the way, in the car, I asked my ex has ever contacted L and she said "not really". I think I might said a thing or 2 about my ex in the short car ride there. That was it. We get to EL's and S's house and later ET gets there with my guy friend C. All of us go out together and L took pics of all of us at a club.

 

So, today, basically ET tells me that I basically need to stop talking about my ex all the time. I didn't realize I was. She said my memory has been really bad lately and I kind of confirmed that with my sister. I wasn't aware of this, like I said. ET was telling me this because she said she cares about me and doesn't me to lose any friends. I have not been friends with ET for very long, only a few months, but in these few months, she has been there for me for support. And she is getting over a BU too from her abusive fiance from a few months ago. She got into a rebound relationship that hurt her. So, I guess what she is telling me is the truth, but I honestly don't remember bringing up my ex all but twice on Saturday. Once in the car with L, and then I think once, when I mentioned that I dated a few girls that went to F.I.T. in NYC, including my ex, who took online classes. I jokingly said all the girls at F.I.T. that I've dated were a bit crazy, especially my most recent ex.

 

ET also said that some of my friends say they do not know what to do to help me. But, I don't know what to do either. I appreciate the sentiment but I am not asking for help. I am the type that talks about my problems, I can't hold it in. It's therapeutic to talk for me and I just want people to listen. If they have advise, fine, I will listen. These "friends" we're referring to are friends that I have known for a while, but I don't consider them close.

 

Later on today, EL posted pics of us online and made it "public". Not sure if you know, if someone posts a pic of you and THEY made it public and they tag you, that tag/pic of you will be public on YOUR profile as well and you cannot change the privacy on it since you did not post it. You can only untag yourself. So of course, L and I are in some pics and we were tagged. She quickly untags herself and then changes what I can see on her profile. Basically, I can't see anything. She might as well have defriended me. Remember, L and my ex are friends on FB so if my ex cared, she may have seen us tagged in the pics. But I am sure she doesn't. Or if she does, I don't. It's not like she would contact me.

 

Well, I was chatting with ET and I said did you see the pics that EL posted? She said yeah. I said why can't you be tagged? She said because she didn't want me trying to make my ex jealous. I said, w t f ?! do you know how Facebook works? First of all, I BLOCKED my ex so anything on my profile she cannot see and vice versa. Secondly, I did not set the privacy to Public, EL did, so I can't change is. ET said "oh". I said, do you think everything I do has ulterior motives? She said most. I was offended. But, I found out L untagged herself from the pics because of the same thinking. There are a lot of ASSUMPTIONS being made by my 2 "friends". I was not doing any "ulterior motives" since I did not post the pics. At any rate, I really doubt my ex even cares.

 

Later on, after work, I had my weekly therapy appointment. I brought this up but the topic eventually changed to me realizing that I have been in denial for a while on a couple of things. 1. That I am afraid of the hard work involved to get myself better. I get scared and overwhelmed when I think about the work involved so I just don't do much, which doesn't really help. At this point I start crying. Then, 2. I was in denial about letting go of my ex. I thought I was letting go but I haven't and I am not. I don't know why, but I am just afraid to.

 

The whole rest of the session, I was practically bawling. I was talking about how much I missed my ex, and how I had all these plans for us once she moved in. My therapist gave me some good pointers and advice and this post is long enough so I don't want to get too deep. But basically, i haven't let her go, that I am afraid to, and I don't know why.

 

At any rate, today was already a bad day because I woke up missing my ex. Then my "friend" basically tells me I can't talk about my struggle to move on and to rebuild my self esteem, and ET and L both thought I was trying to get my ex jealous regarding pics I didn't even post. Then I spent the whole therapy session crying. To be honest, I felt better after the session but now I am at home just trying to deal with this all.

 

I guess I'm just venting.

[deejay74]

So, I thought I was getting better. But now, for 3 days, I feel like almost back to square 1.

 

Yesterday was a pretty awful day as I explained in my rant above.

 

I feel like the BU just happened last week. I hate these ebbs and flows of healing. Everything seems dark and depressing right now.

 

I hate my life at this moment.

 

I can't let go of my ex. I am scared to. I know she's gone but I feel like if I let go she's gone forever, and I am having a hard time accepting that. Which, I think, is making it more difficult to move on.

 

I just want to get through this month.

[sharky988]

No, it wasn't last week....

 

It was TWO WEEKS ago. You only just started your NC. The weight of the breakup is hitting you NOW..... but it will pass. In time, you'll feel better -- IF you stick to No Contact.

 

You need to exercise. At least an hour a day. Just do that ONE SINGLE THING. Change your brain chemistry -- starting TODAY. Even if it means just walking during your lunch hour. If you have a shoulder injury (I'm recovering from one too) there are still lots of hard exercises and machines you can use. Take a spin class, it'll whoop your butt and make you feel incredible when it's over.

[Cheetarah]

Not everyone can do that, though, listen as often as you need them to. They might(and it seems like one does) have her own things going on that make it difficult for them to be present for you. That's why you make your support network huge! So you can spread it accross and not overwhelm one thing or person. Here, your journals, therapy...Those are all part of your support network. If someone can't talk then you need to learn how to take the personal out of it - It is not some kind of a rejection of you, it's an inability to be present for what you indirectly ask for, in any shape or form. I know it feels like the world stops and revolves only around your grief when you are in the throes of it and it is very difficult to accept other people have probs too, but they do. And I don't mean this in a rude way, because it is very characteristic of the majority of people who are dealing with grief. It's a part of being very wrapped up in it. That's one of the reasons getting out of your own head is so important.

 

One thing you have to do, and I really mean you HAVE to do it - Is stop disasterizing each time you experience a crappy mood.. Did you feel this way 2 months ago, did you feel this way last December, did you feel exactly this way 7 days ago? No. It is ever-changing, grief is fluid and linear...So you're feeling exceptionally poopy for 3 days. That's 3 days. Maybe 5. Hell, 10. It's part of it. Just like you were feeling better last week. Roll with it.

[deejay74]

No, it wasn't last week....

 

It was TWO WEEKS ago. You only just started your NC. The weight of the breakup is hitting you NOW..... but it will pass. In time, you'll feel better -- IF you stick to No Contact.

 

You need to exercise. At least an hour a day. Just do that ONE SINGLE THING. Change your brain chemistry -- starting TODAY. Even if it means just walking during your lunch hour. If you have a shoulder injury (I'm recovering from one too) there are still lots of hard exercises and machines you can use. Take a spin class, it'll whoop your butt and make you feel incredible when it's over.

 

The BU was actually almost 3 MONTHS ago. The last contact I had from her has been about 3 weeks. I have stuck to NC since then.

 

I thought about taking a spin class, but that requires paying a gym. i also have a dog and i work about 45 mins to an hour from home. I have to go home first to feed/walk my dog then i'd have to go to the gym. I was wondering about doing exercises at home.

 

Not everyone can do that, though, listen as often as you need them to. They might(and it seems like one does) have her own things going on that make it difficult for them to be present for you. That's why you make your support network huge! So you can spread it accross and not overwhelm one thing or person. Here, your journals, therapy...Those are all part of your support network. If someone can't talk then you need to learn how to take the personal out of it - It is not some kind of a rejection of you, it's an inability to be present for what you indirectly ask for, in any shape or form. I know it feels like the world stops and revolves only around your grief when you are in the throes of it and it is very difficult to accept other people have probs too, but they do. And I don't mean this in a rude way, because it is very characteristic of the majority of people who are dealing with grief. It's a part of being very wrapped up in it. That's one of the reasons getting out of your own head is so important.

 

One thing you have to do, and I really mean you HAVE to do it - Is stop disasterizing each time you experience a crappy mood.. Did you feel this way 2 months ago, did you feel this way last December, did you feel exactly this way 7 days ago? No. It is ever-changing, grief is fluid and linear...So you're feeling exceptionally poopy for 3 days. That's 3 days. Maybe 5. Hell, 10. It's part of it. Just like you were feeling better last week. Roll with it.

 

 

I get that certain friends can only take so much. Luckily, I have a few really good friends that I've known for 10 years or more, they've been the most supportive, including my Mom and sister.

 

I undersand you're not being rude, but you're right, when you're mired in depression and pain, you kind of only think of yourself because you want to get yourself out of that pain so badly.

 

Well, to be honest, it feels like I am staring all over again. I don't know why, but i feel like the BU just happened last week. So yes, I did feel this way 2, almost, 3 months ago. I honestly can't take much more of this. I feel like I am getting desperate.

 

I've been thinking about my ex and everything about what happened every single day. The past 3 days I have been missing her like she just dumped me. But, at least I've been strong enough to stick with NC and not unblock her from social media and trying to find out what's been going on with her life.

[sharky988]

You can join a gym.

 

You can come home from work, walk then dog, and then work out.

 

You can buy a piece of exercise equipment for your house (I use a NordicTrack) as well as take classes at a gym.

 

You really CAN do all these things! Starting today, you can just WALK for an hour. Even on your lunch break at work. No excuses!

 

And yeah -- of course I know your breakup was technically 3 months ago! But you last communicated with her 2 weeks ago (you say 3 weeks now).

 

SO...... you start over. Every time you break NC, you start over.

 

Which is why you need to stop contacting your ex, for good this time.

[deejay74]

I have stopped contacting my ex for good.

 

But, the desire for her to reach out to me seems so strong even though I know unless she says anything else besides she's sorry and that she wants to try again won't do anything except set me back.

 

I've lost what I know makes me happy. I lost myself in my ex. I put my value and happiness in her. Now she's gone, and I don't want to accept things or let go because I am afraid. She's already gone, but I feel if I let go, I may never, ever see her again. And truthfully, I don't really want that.

 

I'm damn near 40 and I have never learned to stand on my own and make myself happy or truly love myself. Had I learned this lesson long ago, I highly doubt I'd be struggling so hard today.

 

So now, I am left with no one but me. And I don't really have the tools to stand on my own. And that, in and of itself, is a scary place to be.

 

I think this is maybe why I feel like I just got dumped, because I finally realized this.

 

I'm not even so sure that if I had better self esteem the relationship would've worked out, but at least, right now, I could have moved on and been able to accept things and let go.

[sharky988]

You're almost 40 and you're simply flat out refusing to accept the reality that you CAN'T TALK yourself into feeling better.

 

You need to ACT.

 

What you're feeling now is normal after having just had contact a few weeks ago. It takes time to recover from the kind of exchange you two just had.

 

But I'm repeating myself. All I can do is wish you the best and urge you again to consider the possibility that you CAN start to feel better by exercising one hour a day, starting today.

[deejay74]

You're almost 40 and you're simply flat out refusing to accept the reality that you CAN'T TALK yourself into feeling better.

 

You need to ACT.

 

What you're feeling now is normal after having just had contact a few weeks ago. It takes time to recover from the kind of exchange you two just had.

 

But I'm repeating myself. All I can do is wish you the best and urge you again to consider the possibility that you CAN start to feel better by exercising one hour a day, starting today.

 

Actually, I am JUST NOW accepting that I cannot talk myself into feeling better. Sorry if it came accross otherwise. I was just admitting what I was in denial about and it's hard to admit.

 

I will do some form of exercise today. I promise to you and myself.

[sharky988]

Good call!

[sophi3]

i suggest doing meditation. susan piver's "wisdom of a broken heart" book helped me while i had extreme emotions. here's a link to one of her meditation exercises, i listen to that when i can't sleep at night. link removed i hope it helps you. basically it's about sitting with your emotions and not fighting, like when a baby cries, you carry the baby until it stops crying instead of telling it to stop wailing.

[deejay74]

Ok, I believe I have come up with some big self realizations today/tonight.

 

For the past 3 months, I have been running away from the hard work that I need to put into myself in order for me to heal and move on from this break up. I still haven't let go, but I need to really put into action a lot of things.

 

Firstly, I admit I was too afraid to attempt to do the hard work that all my friends, family, and even my therapist have been telling me to do. I also didn't want to do the work myself, because my whole life, I've gotten to where I am with help from others. I have not been able to completely rely on myself. I was just sitting in this muck and it was making me so miserable and I was wondering why nothing really was happening. Now, I have some what alienated myself from being able to talk about my "pain & suffering" from certain friends and I've gotten to the point where I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

 

I've been told that what we feel is a choice. This misery, sadness, pain, and suffering is something that I've chosen to feel and let take control of me and my thoughts. Thoughts lead to feelings. I am going to try my hardest to think about positive things every time I start to feel those negative emotions. I'm going to try my hardest to think about something positive when any thoughts of my ex enter my mind. This is going to be a daunting task because I'm consumed by negative thoughts and my ex. I've been putting it into practice this evening and it's working a little bit but I've just started. I went to see my very good friends (a married couple) and it was a good night. They were very positive and let me talk about whatever I wanted.

 

Unfortunately, I broke my promise to exercise but I am promising myself I am going to join a gym, possibly as soon as tomorrow. I shied away from working out for the same reason(s) why I shied away from the hard psychological and emotional work I need to put into myself: it's hard work, but working out is hard physical work. So many people have told me exercising is one of the best things you can do for yourself, even if you're already feeling good. But again, I didn't want to do the work.

 

I also think I need to stay away from ENA for a little bit. I think it keeps me from moving in a direction that I want to go in because it's easy for me to get sympathy on here. Not that I think ENA is bad. I have gotten a lot of good advice that I have never taken. It's also comforting to know that others are going through similar things.

 

But tonight, I have come to a point where I can't take things the way they are anymore. I have accepted it's going to be hard and not easy, but I don't have a choice anymore. I have to help myself. No one can help me with this.

 

There are other things I need to do in which I do not have answers yet. One is, re-associating this apartment I am living in with something positive. I don't know how or what that is yet. My ex never lived here but we got this apartment together and unfortunately, she left me 2 days before moving in and we can't break the lease. I've said that I am constantly reminded of "what was supposed to happen".

 

Another big thing that I want to do but don't know how just yet is to fully let go of my ex. Most say it takes time, but I can't take much more of holding on. I have to figure this one out because I think this is really holding me back.

 

I will do my best and I will finally start believing that I can overcome this, that I can rely on myself, that I will be happy again and be happy being alone. I will find what my passions are again or find new ones. I will love again (sadly, it's not going to be my ex even though there is a part of me that want to love her again - this is the hard part of letting go that i need to overcome).

 

I'm sorry if I upset anyone here by posting so much and by being hard headed. Thanks for all the advice, responses, and personal stories that anyone has shared with me.

 

Wish me luck. I will be gone for a little bit but hopefully the next time I'm here I'll have a good update for you all.

 

I also wish everyone happiness, peace, and great holidays.