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Cheating B******d


jjkk

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Starting a little over a month ago I have been unable to shake a nagging feeling that my bf of nearly a year and a half cheated on me. The feeling was that he's not seeing someone else but had a 1 night stand or a couple. There was a couple of suspect things that happened around that time the fueled my suspicion. I have tried focusing on his actions (nothing seemed amiss, still affectionate, did nice things for me, etc.) to put this out of my mind.

 

I finally asked him if he's cheated on me about 2 weeks ago. He said "No and that's a ridiculous question." I still couldn't shake this overwhelming feeling that he had. Finally, I tried telling myself since I had no hard evidence, I either needed to break up w/ him since I obviously felt I couldn't trust him or continue w/ our relationship as if I trust him and nothing happened, no more hanging out in crazy headspace over it. I enjoy many things about him and our relationship and felt breaking up over suspicions was too drastic. I have been participating in the relationship as if he's never cheated and I trust him.

 

Finally, last night I suddenly had a huge amount of anxiety about it and I did something unethical. I logged into his email account and found that he indeed had hooked up w/ someone else, probably two different people at a couple of different times, all w/in a week of each other just over a month ago.

 

Of course I'm devastated and so hurt and angry and a little relieved that I wasn't just being crazy w/ insecurity for no reason. I know there's no way I can stay with him now. As far as I know he doesn't know I got onto his email so now I feel I'm in a bit of a dilemma when it comes to the break up. I thought about telling him I've realized I can't trust him and leave it at that or telling him about email, who cares if it means I betrayed him considering what he did? Any other ideas would be helpful.

 

At this point I'm not going to contact him at all, just waiting to see what happens and figure out how to proceed.

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First of all - sorry that you are going through this. But keep going!

 

Then, you said you were unable to shake a nagging feeling that he cheated. Why? Was it just your gut feeling, or he did something like staying late "at work", or he had calls that he only answered behind closed doors?

 

When you decided that you should leave him because it drives you crazy - you should have left him, without snooping on him.

Just break up with him, and go NC. No need to pick up a fight and tell him what you did and what you found or confronting him. You cant trust him and it made you go over your morals and ethics. He knows that you have reasons to break up.

On the other hand - if you wont tell him, he can feel its OK to lie and cheat. If you tell him you found some evidence, maybe with his next GF he will be smarter. But that is not your problem right?

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Then, you said you were unable to shake a nagging feeling that he cheated. Why? Was it just your gut feeling, or he did something like staying late "at work", or he had calls that he only answered behind closed doors? ?

 

I noticed condoms missing in his bedside table and we don't use condoms. That was the number one thing. It was such a little thing, could be easily attributed to something else but I just knew something wasn't right about it. The night I asked him if he cheated, we were taking pics on his phone and when I was going through the pics afterward, I saw I picture of a girl on his phone that I didn't know. I asked him who it was and he said he didn't know, which I got pissed because that's ridiculous. He continued w/ the "I honestly don't know story" and I eventually dropped it because I was getting nowhere.

 

After the missing condoms I had a few dreams that he had. I tried to convince myself that I was just being insecure and paranoid because there wasn't any real hard evidence, just enough for me to be suspicious. Then I would remind myself how my intuition is usually accurate and certain dreams I have are, too. I'd reason w/ myself and a few days later my heart would be screaming at me and I couldn't make it go away.

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Oh no, what a horrible thing to be going through. I agree with the above; break up and NC. Unless he pesters you, there is no need to explain why. If he persists, then perhaps just say that because of your suspicions, you feel like you can't trust him...he shouldn't argue with that, knowing what he's done, and it saves you from telling him about the emails, if you don't want him to know. Of course, if it does come out, don't worry about it or feel bad - he's the one who's messed up.

 

I went through something similar, and the feeling of rejection is horrible. I hope this doesn't affect your self esteem, he's really not worth it.

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first off, you need to figure out which outcome you're prepared to follow through with until the end--staying and keeping a secret which will eventually drive a wedge in your relationship or telling him what you did because you do not want to stoop to deceit like he did. Telling him yourself keeps the moral high ground under your feet because, as you said, he lied in your face about what he did behind your back. He put your health at risk and he dismissed your honor and esteem by even entertaining the notion of screwing someone else, let alone 2 people, behind your back then coming home to you.

 

If this is your bottom line, "I will leave you", then you need to finish this with your esteem unassailed. Yes, he may pitch a fit about you going into his email (and I am usually one who abhors that), but when he's taken it upon himself to put your life in danger by bringing God knows what home after he's been screwing God knows who, then you have to speak up and take on the attitude of "Yeah, I did it!!!" and be prepared to walk away.

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Oh, i personally think that if someone is engaging in really shady behavior and you are not sure and want to protect yourself, it is only common sense to do some investigation to try to figure out the truth.

 

the reality is that cheaters are also liars, and will lie and manipulate to cover up their behavior. And trying to say that investigation is as bad or worse than lying and cheating really isn't valid... Cheating can bring STDs that threaten both life and your fertility, unexpected legal and financial consequences if you are married to a man who knocks another woman up and must pay child support etc. Cheating is the equivalent of murder in a relationship, and has such dire consequences that any sane person SHOULD investigate if they have enough signs stacking up that the person might be cheating.

 

So investigation of ominous signs is a form of protection, no different than refusing to get into the car of someone who intends to do drunk driving. You're not 'bad' or 'immoral' for refusing to trust your partner when they are driving drunk, and the same applies when a partner has shown a lot of ominous signs of cheating.

 

So i don't think anyone should slam the OP for investigating when there are condoms missing and all kinds of other shady behavior going on. That shows she is SMART, not immoral.

 

Next point to what should she do? The second you bust someone cheating, you owe them nothing. You've discovered they are a liar and a cheat and a manipulator. So you owe him nothing. My suggestion is that you just pack up your stuff, then tell him you know he's cheated, and done it at least a couple times, so you're done. If he tries to argue or find out how you know, you just say, 'doesn't matter how I know, I know, and you cheated and lied, so I'm done.' Then you leave and never respond to another attempt to contact you again. Get on with your life, and put him behind you, because that is where he belongs.

 

And immediatley go to the doctor and get tested for STDs so that you can protect your health and future fertility, just in case he gave you something nasty like chlamydia (which can block fallopian tubes if left untreated) or worse things like HIV.

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btw, i wouldn't mind in the least if I had a partner who checked on me. If i am doing nothing wrong, I have nothing to hide so he can investigate to his heart's content. And if you are getting serious with someone, it is best to really investigate them in general, to make sure you are marrying who you think you are.

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i'd dump him and NC him. He IS a bastard and you don't owe him an explanation. He knows he did something wrong and will be able to put 2 and 2 together.

 

DON'T tell him you snooped!!

 

bad advice.

 

a liar is a liar and a lie is still a lie even if it's one of omission.

 

being deceitful is being deceitful and the karmic price tag for that may be one you can't afford to pay once it comes due.

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