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Such a mess, am I way off with my approach?


LaurenMarie

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Hi

 

This is my first post on here and I need some help.

 

Met my ex while I was still married. I got married way too young and felt stuck, unhappy and lonely. I developped a crush on him, and then this one special night came and we ended up in bed together. After that he wanted to date me and I was so incredibly happy. I fell hard and fast and he became my whole world. Unfortunately, due to my hobby, all my friends were his friends too.

After 3 months he broke up with me, only to cry and beg me to take him back 2 days later.

Last March he broke up with me again, saying he doesn't think I'm the one for him, he still has feelings for his ex, I'm too clingy...

I was really hurt but did the no contact thing. After two months I emailed him and suggested a friendship. He agreed, we hung out a few times and he started acting like I was his gf again, calling me baby etc. So without talking about it, we both felt like we were back together.

 

And this is where the craziness happened:

 

I discovered that he had posted an ad on craigslist, looking for a girl to do an erotic photoshoot with. ? I got jealous of course, but instead of walking away I acted incredibly childish and responded to the ad. Bottom line I played a pretty mean prank on him and he got really depressed about it, said he regretted everything so much, that he loves me and wants to have a normal, healthy relationship from now on. He also decided to join AA meetings because he thinks he has a drinking problem. (I don't think it's the drinking he's addicted to, I think he's a sex addict, but that's a different story).

 

After a few days he realized I was the one who played that prank on him. He said he never wants me to contact him again and that I was obsessed with him and pretty much crazy. I have to mention that he's had quite o few crazy stalkers before, so that's his biggest fear.

 

I was devastated, became extremely depressed, suicidal at some point, I lost all my friends, I feel lonely and of course I miss him every single day. I'm on an anti depressant and seeing a psychologist, but it won't get better.

 

Now a few things happened recently that might sort of change the situation a bit.

 

Somebody had hacked all his stuff and he thought it was me since I was also the one who played that prank on him. He just recently found out that it was somebody else (Someone who wanted revenge for something, he reported it to the police and everything). I sort of hope that this changes the way he looks at me. I think one of the main reasons he cut all contact so suddenly was because he thought I was hacking all his accounts and spying on him. I can see why he got so upset then.

His ex told him she found the love of her life and she never really loved him.

He's extremely lonely and can't find a new girl. (I know this because we have so many mutual friends).

 

So am I way off thinking I might have a chance to get him to talk to me again and possibly establish some sort of friendship?

I just miss him so much.

 

I was thinking of sending him a facebook message on New Year's saying something really friendly that doesn't even require a response, like Happy New Year, I wish you all the best for 2014. Something like that. Then wait for his reaction. Whether he ignores it, responds, blocks me... It'll give me an idea of how he feels about me.

 

Would this be very inappropriate or stupid? I mean he told me not to contact him ever again, but that was months ago and back then he thought I was the hacker.

 

I realize I just wrote a whole novel, but I would really appreciate some advice.

 

Lauren Marie

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This is a very unhealthy relationship and dynamic.

You clearly have a low opinion of yourself since you think "he can't get a girl" is an *opportunity* for you. Focus on getting yourself well and balanced and thinking about the kind of life and partner you want. This can't be it.

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Lauren,

 

What are you doing? This man has so many issues that I cannot even begin to tell you all of them and you have some too, let's not get it twisted. It's ok, we all do in some way, but I have to be honest. I think you both have some work to do on yourselves and I don't see you ever being able to be a friend with someone who you have such strong feelings for. If he already told you that you are too clingy and THEN you did the Craigslist thing, I would not want to talk to you. He told you he thinks you're crazy and that is not a good foundation for a friendship.

 

I know you messed up and you know it, but there was a reason you acted like this with him and you didn't have what seemed to be a good start for a normal, healthy relationship as it was. Too many bad things have happened, too many hurt things have been said, etc.

 

If he says he doesn't want to talk to you again, I think you have your answer. Sending a message of any kind, other than "I am sorry for what I did. I hope one day you can forgive me" would just not be good. And even with that, I am not thinking it is a good idea. If I was him, I would say "My goodness, look, she is still contacting me!". No, sweetheart. This needs to stop. You need to focus on yourself right now.

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Thank you so much for your responses.

 

I definitely see what you guys are saying and I appreciate your honesty.

I don't even know why I'm acting so crazy. I tried working on myself, and most things in my life are pretty good again, but I can't forget him.

 

I just thought that since he now knows I didn't do the hacking, he might not be that mad at me anymore. He said he forgave me for the Craigslist thing and that we both screwed up there.

 

You clearly have a low opinion of yourself since you think "he can't get a girl" is an *opportunity* for you.

I guess that didn't come accross right. I don't think that I'm an option for him because he can't get a better girl. I meant to say I know he's lonely, not dating anyone else right now and he might miss the good times we had together.

 

I would love to reconcile and have him back in my life at some point, but I can see why that sounds like a really bad idea.

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Lauren, I honestly think you should focus on you and not email him.

 

And when you start focusing solely on yourself and give up on any hope of getting him back, he'll likely come sniffing around.

 

Here's what I think you should do (it's what I think everyone should do because it worked like a charm for me): Become the one who got away.

The old relationship is over. He rejected you. Time to reinvent yourself. You won't have a chance of getting back with him unless his opinion of you changes. And that change should encompass all aspects of your life. Not necessarily to get him back, but to move forward.

 

It's like this...when you become the best version of yourself and live your life out loud, you become irresistible, interesting (fascinating, in fact), and attractive to everyone around you - your ex, old friends, new friends. Your confidence begins to soar. People want to be around you because your happiness with yourself and your life is like a magnet to others. It's powerful. Because you have friends in common, he'll hear about and one day see you, and he'll take a double take and wonder if he ever really saw or knew you before.

 

It takes time to make the changes necessary to re-attract an ex. In that time, you'll likely get over him completely.

 

Good luck!

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Thank you AutumnBorn.

 

Well it has been half a year and I have been working on myself, I started seeing a therapist, I found a new hobby, made new friends, got in amazing shape, I'm doing fine. I have been focusing on myself, improving, volunteering, reading, traveling. BUT I STILL MISS HIM.

 

However I do think the reason I was so clingy and focused on him was because I was really depressed before I met him. I was stuck in a dead marriage at age 24, had just moved to a huge new city where I didn't know anyone, didn't have a job yet (I had just graduated from college). In short I hated my life and myself. Then he came along and made me so happy. So I tried to hold on to him, basing my entire happiness on him.

 

I see that now and I have realized how bad it was.

 

But I really do miss him as a person, not just as a boyfriend. And since some of the circumstances have changed and he no longer thinks I hacked into all his online accounts, I thought I could send him an email in a few months explaining why I acted the way I did and telling him that I'm sorry. As in explaining it to him, not begging him to come back to me. I might say that I hope that maybe one day we can find a way to reconnect as normal healthy people, and while I don't need him to be in my life, it would certainly be nice if he were at some point.

 

That's it. I want to keep my dignity but I miss him and I hope that he might reconsider his decision. I won't send him that email until mid February 2014 or so. The last time we saw each other was July 2013.

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So am I way off thinking I might have a chance to get him to talk to me again and possibly establish some sort of friendship?

I just miss him so much.

 

You're kidding right? Why on earth would you want someone like this back, let alone in the first place. He's a cheater, you were married when he hopped into bed with you and then he cheated on you after he had you. He only wants you back now that the woman he left you for doesn't want you. And that'll last until the next one comes along...

 

Look I'm not going to say much more, because I'm afraid it'll just come out too harsh. But stop being so hungry for a man's approval that you toss all common sense to the wind. Learn to love yourself first and get some self-respect and realize this guys a chronic cheater and will never change. Fine if it's what you want and karma a bit I suppose since you cheated with him too, but aren't you tired of all that? A healthy normal relationship with a healthy normal guy would be so much better than this guy right? Don't you think you deserve that.

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You're kidding right? Why on earth would you want someone like this back, let alone in the first place. He's a cheater, you were married when he hopped into bed with you and then he cheated on you after he had you. He only wants you back now that the woman he left you for doesn't want you. And that'll last until the next one comes along...

 

Well, this isn't really what happened. He didn't cheat on me, he posted that stupid ad on Craigslist looking for a model. He didn't know I was still married until after we had spent the night together. And he didn't leave me for another woman, infact he hasn't dated anyone since we broke up.

 

If the situation was what you decribed above I would never want him back.

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I stopped after I read "while I was married"

 

If your married to someone, that's the biggest commitment you can make, and you didn't try to work things out or make things fresh? Or at least separate

 

Shame on you!

 

 

We aren't here to shame other posters, hrdcore. We're here to offer support. Everyone does the best they can given the hand they're dealt.

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Well, this isn't really what happened. He didn't cheat on me, he posted that stupid ad on Craigslist looking for a model. He didn't know I was still married until after we had spent the night together. And he didn't leave me for another woman, infact he hasn't dated anyone since we broke up.

 

If the situation was what you decribed above I would never want him back.

 

Sweetie, I'm not saying anything about your still being married or not when you first met -- I got married very young myself and sure wouldn't be throwing any stones there. People need to walk a mile in your shoes before judging you on that account, imo.

 

BUT, what he did there was cheating on you. Calling the ad "stupid" doesn't make it harmless or change that he was looking on Craigslist for a woman to pose for erotic pictures. That's cheating -- or, trying to cheat. He knew it was wrong -- he apologized -- he tried to hide it from you, no? That's all cheating behavior. You know the saying, "for every rat you see, there's 50 you don't see"? That's how it works with cheaters, too. You might've found this one ad once.... but you really have no idea what he's been doing on Craig List -- or anywhere else!

 

I honestly think that 90% of what you miss about this guy is just general relationship stuff. The things you miss are just BOYFRIEND THINGS -- the fun, the attention, the flirting, the sex, the affection, taking walks together, texting, snuggling at the movies, etc etc. And the good news is, all that stuff is going to still be there for you again, with your next boyfriend!

 

Just not with this guy, because honey he sounds AWFUL. He sounds like a liar and a cheater and like he never valued you the way you deserve.

 

Don't contact him on New Year's. Don't contact him in any way, ever. You need to create a bubble of safety for yourself, without any contact, so you can start to heal from this. You need to make sure he's blocked on all social media sites so you're protected from any fresh new incoming pain.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

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Well, this isn't really what happened. He didn't cheat on me, he posted that stupid ad on Craigslist looking for a model. He didn't know I was still married until after we had spent the night together. And he didn't leave me for another woman, infact he hasn't dated anyone since we broke up.

 

If the situation was what you decribed above I would never want him back.

 

A. Unless he's a photographer who is legit and couldn't happen get a model through a regular agency for some unknown reason then yeah, he was looking to maneuver some woman into something sketchy. Personally I was nice about it and said this was cheating behavior, what it really is is far worse because too many young girls have disappeared after answering ads like that. I know, I lived in L.A. for years and it's not something anyone should be doing. Period. Unless you or anyone else can think of a perfectly legit reason why he'd want to do an erotic photoshoot with a stranger he met on Craigslist that doesn't involve sex then I still stand by my views on the topic. And think you're either incredibly naive or deliberately refusing to look at what that was.

 

B. He still stayed with you after he found out you were married though didn't he? Or did he think he was with a single girl all along and you never told him you were married? Generally speaking people who get together when one of them is in a relationship, and who know it and still do it, aren't usually great relationship material.

 

C. He's hung up on his ex and has left you several times. Still not a good candidate for a relationship even if the other things weren't there.

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