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now he thinks i'm a stalker...


heyhey

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Hi,

 

I've been talking to someone from an marriage site. Recently something happened which had him call me stalker. If we stopped talking for normal reasons I would be ok. This is NOT the way I would like to stop. We are still in the early stages - haven't met, no commitments made, etc.

 

I googled some stuff from his profile that I wasn't familiar with. One of them was a food item. I didn't know what it was, so I did my search, clicked for images...and there he was. Turns out he had a profile at another dating site, with a different username and I opened it in a new tab.

 

So far everything seems fine to me.

 

Here is the part that I can see does make me look like a stalker: I made an account at the same site.

 

I had opened the other profile page in another tab, all his info was visible before I made the account. After I made my account, I reloaded his page in the tab and showed up as a visitor. I was dismayed when I clicked reload and realized I was now going to show up as a visitor and was already having an, "Oh my God I'm going to look like a stalker now," ... when he signed into Skype. He was surprised and used the stalker word. I wasn't in the right presence of mind to deal with it, and when he asked if I googled something from his profile I couldn't remember how it had happened, which thing I looked at that gave me his other site profile. I asked if he minded that I was googling some stuff from his profile, he said that was ok, but following him on the internet is kind of odd.

 

I don't know him well enough to know how much he was displeased about it, and how much was him teasing me. In our convo that day, he used a few smiley faces and 'lol'ed about my profile quote that referred to a comedy sketch he shared with me last week. Sooo I'm conflicted about how he is reacting exactly. I wanted to lighten the mood and sent him a song called "The Creep" which is a funny song about being a creeper, with a dance that they also sing about. He didn't say anything after that. I finally calmed down and figured out what I searched that gave me his profile, and wrote a couple messages about that. A few hours before all this happened, I was looking at other sites to put myself on. This is something else I mentioned in the messages he did not respond to. Am I lying to myself about how much my adding myself to this one comes from trying to put myself out there in my search for a mate, and how much could have come from stalker motivations?

 

He didn't say to not contact him again or anything like that, only that following him on the internet seemed a bit odd. I know you can remove someone from your contact list in Skype, and that if you do, you will show up in the removed person's list still, but with the Skype symbol outlined in grey and a question mark inside. I haven't seen that, so that's a good sign. If you are blocked, you don't know because the person will only never show-up as being online.

 

He told me a couple weeks ago that he would be going to the UK and return before the end of December. I didn't catch the dates for his trip, so he could be there now. I'm hoping I get some kind of message or sign from him, but I'm just going to give him his space for a while and not try to call, text, email, or skype for a bit. If I get removed from his Skype contacts, that's enough sign that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. If he said not to contact him anymore, or something clear like that, I'll respect his wishes. If I don't hear anything by December 24th I'll attempt to contact him then, and if he ignores me then or gives direct STOP signal, well I'll respect his wishes in that.

 

I have some trouble getting comfortable enough about an online person that I am willing to give him my phone number or Skype. It's a combo of general caution and having been married to a man I met online and it did. Not. Work. Out. Well.

I know this hasn't gotten to the point of being a "relationship" in the sense that people usually mean in this context. I hope he gets a chance to look at my signing up in context, but if he is too weird-ed out to consider anything but his original perception...nothing to be done. I searched about stalkers and they do some crazy invasive stuff! That doesn't fit with my self image.

 

It reminds me of a time I was handing out balloons in the mall outside our storefront. We were having a demo in the hall. I didn't like handing out stuff, I felt very awkward. I waited for people to be passing me to make my move. Well there was a lady with her kid in a stroller. She stopped a few feet away from me to one side. I thought she was watching the demo or waiting for the crowd to clear away. Then she comes up to me all heated calling me a racist for giving "the little white babies balloons, but my black baby!" I was quite surprised and I didn't have a chance to explain what happened. I was rather dismayed about the whole incident. This is similar in that I was labled and haven't had a chance to explain what happened.

 

What do you think?

 

-heyhey-

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A marriage site like people looking to get married or for married people looking for a side piece?

I wouldn't sweat it or overexplain it. You can be on as many sites as you want.

I totally didn't follow the whole story or the Skype thing. If he wants to meet you can get together and see about chemistry but if not I'd forget about it and move on. Seems trivial that you googled a food.

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Nah, don't worry about it. You weren't stalking, you were making sure he wasn't a serial killer. Kidding, the lesson to be learned here is just be upfront, don't go trying to be who you aren't someplace else. And yeah, quite possibly you killed it with him since he's on two different dating sites as two different people, obviously not really wanting to always be found by the same people??? That part was more weird.

 

The lady about the balloons was looking for someone to yell at that day regardless of the facts, don't sweat it when they come up with mad stuff that isn't your fault. That type of person would find contex to suit their own agenda regardless of what's happening.

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We met on the marriage site. The one I found is used for friendship and dating. I didn't find anything alarming or inconsistent with his other profile. He can be on as many sites as he like, and so can I. We're not in any deep relationship yet.

 

It wasn't the food that sounded odd, it was me joining the same site, showing up as having viewed his profile, without having had time to start filling out my profile. It was blank, like I imagine a stalker's profile to be.

 

The second username was used as a phrase in a quote on his first profile. That seems like the most obvious way for a stalker to discover his second account. If I was googling things like that from his profile in order to find out anything, that would be stalking.

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Well do YOU think you "over researched" him? It sounds like you might feel a little "caught"?? Or am I misreading that?

If you had good intentions don't sweat it. If you were over eager then own up to it and see if he's interested in meeting. If not, no sense in keeping in touch.

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Over-researched sounds better. That's a lot closer to what I did, although it doesn't address the action of making an account at the same site. I felt dismayed at the way he learned of my curiosity. He was interested in meeting, we just hadn't set up a day yet. My intentions weren't like the stalkers I read about.

 

I'm debating what to say if I don't get a direct STOP or get removed from his contacts by the date I mentioned. Text or email, phone call, should I leave a message if he doesn't pick up, or should I Skype if I see him online - and if I do that should I ask for a video chat or just type. Something like, "hi, I'm sorry I was over eager and made a creepy move, can we discuss it and see if we can move beyond the incident, or would you rather I stopped contacting you?" If that's possible, maybe the incident will be a friendship builder. Regardless of the kind of response, and if he hasn't changed anything by then to increase his privacy, I will give a couple suggestions. Remove the food item from his list or find a different spelling, and change his profile settings on the other site so only members can view his profile. Or would that feel creepy to him?

 

I appreciate a direct approach if someone plans to stop contacting me or doesn't want to continue. However, I understand it can be uncomfortable to do and typically a person will just ignore and hope the other person just goes away. It's the end of the weekend. Yesterday I was busy, but today I had to much time on my hands thinking about this. I'm going to do something productive before bed now. I'll stop tonight with something positive.

 

If someone is going to hold negative, incorrect view about you... Well, wouldn't it be much worse if they were right?

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He's not right. You're not a stalker. I wouldn't bother trying to salvage this if he's doing the fade out. It would be more "stalkerish" of you to follow up with him at this point than to just let it go.

Who cares what he thinks? He's a stranger. Just figure it wasn't meant to be and you are meant to keep looking.

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Well, He sent me a short message on the original site this evening, commenting on the photo I finally posted. He didn't mention the stalker episode. He is indeed overseas and shared why he went. If he was hugely bothered by the episode, no way would he have done that.

 

I'm content.

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