Boyfriend and Coworker question?

[LaurenMae]

I am the first to admit that I am a jealous person. I try to control it but sometimes it gets the better of me. Anyways, I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. He recently got a new job, and everything was fine until a new girl also started there about a week after him. Now I know people should be allowed to have opposite gender friends, but this girl is making me second guess this. It all started with her finding him on facebook and adding him, ( she didn't know his last name so I have no idea how she found him, the place they work is a chain store so there was no way to narrow it down). And his first stupid idea was to message her asking how she found him, and that is where it all started. They message over facebook multiple times a week, her always initiating it though, but I hate that he responds with so much vigor. She has said things like, "i need to find a boyfriend" (multiple times), or compliment fishing with things like "i'm too fat" (also multiple times) She has even said she thinks they have a "telepathic connection" because she thinks she knows him so well (after 2 months!). And my boyfriend indulges in her delusions. She knows he has a girlfriend, that is pretty apparent. But yet she still constantly tries to talk to him, and asking him what time he works so on days she's off she can come in to see him. And if he needs to get something from work when he is off she tells him to come in when she is working. She also says they need to hang out or take their breaks/lunches together. It just all sounds so sketchy to me.

 

My boyfriend and I have talked about this countless times. He says he can't just tell her to get lost or else work would be awkward and that is the only reason he is still talking with her. But it doesn't come to his mind that instead of responding to her message at 3 am to just ignore it and come up with an excuse that he was sleeping, or when she message's him in the day to say "sorry hanging out with my girlfriend, can't talk!". If the situation were reversed you can bet your butt he would be livid. I understand that it is a delicate situation and I may be letting my insecurities take over my rational thinking, but it just seems weird to me. By the way the last message she sent him was her phone number, and there hasn't been any facebook messages sent since then..so I guess now they're texting? It's just a ty situation. I love my boyfriend, but i feel my jealousy may be causing me to doubt his faithfulness...what do you guys think? Any help/advice would be appreciated!

 

P.s - We do live a little less than an hour away from each other but we see each other about 4-5 days a week depending on our schedules. Sometimes 3 days if we are really busy, but we've made it work.

[savignon]

To my adult eyes, it was all good up until the constant messaging. I have looked up married colleagues on FB and it's not cause I'm interested. I never message them.

This is totally not cool and your boyfriend is totally setting the scene for a crush and possibly more. Blaming you for getting upset is the second or third red flag in all this.

If you don't want to break up tell him you're uncomfortable with the friendship and it has to stop. However, once you've reached ultimatum-ville, sadly it rarely gets better.

[LaurenMae]

Finally someone who gets it! He is making it so it is more than likely she is going to develop real feelings for him, and it's like he doesn't understand that. Something like that happened about 5 or 6 months ago where he was talking to a girl on instagram he had met once before with a friend, and it was totally flirting,him saying things like "you know you want me" and her saying "you wish I wanted you about half as bad as you think I do" on a picture of him looking silly. I don't have a smartphone, so I was informed of this through my cousin. It was heart breaking to my self esteem to see him flirting so carelessly. But we talked it through and he never talked with her again, but she kept sending him snapchats like twice a day for a month before she got the idea...btw he is still friends with her on facebook! So dumb! So I am terrified of a situation like that happening again, if that makes any sense?

 

And I told him I was uncomfortable when I first found out, but he continued. And then we had a fight about it and that was when he said he had to handle the situation carefully or else work would be awkward at work. But it's like my feelings aren't taken into account, you know? I know he loves me, I'm more scared of another girl having a crush on my boyfriend and him being such a nice guy that he is going to let it continue until it gets out of control, and what makes it worse is that this time he sees her all the time!

[shelty24]

Guys do not respond to girls they are not interested in. He would find a way out of messaging her if he really wanted to no matter how awkward is. He is crushing on her and you need to break up with him. Hes already emotionally cheating and he will either cheat physically or dump you for her.

 

After reading your second post, I think you are just plain naive. Hes a cheat. Full stop

 

long distant relationships are nearly always full of trust issues and lies. You need to end this.

 

Your jealousy is not out of control. He has manipulated you into thinking your the problem but anyone in your situation would feel jealous and insecure. This guy is an a**hole and you need to open your eyes

[SooSad33]

Yup- your bf needs to grow a backbone. There's friendship then there's going too far & respect

SHE should back off big time here. Showing NO respect for the two of you and he should NOT be going along with it!

For sure- 3 am is totally uncalled for and rude! Darn right i'd be telling them i was SLEEPING and dont to it again.

 

Their basics should ONLY be about work. Not hanging out.. yapping on FB etc. (also involvement with a co-worker is NOT a good thing..in many ways).

 

If he doesn't get with it.. he can move on.

[shelty24]

Btw ive been in this situation with a colleague trying to message me a lot on FB. I sometimes gave v brief answers and didnt respond for days hoping he would take a hint. Then i just stopped going on FB for ages.. if i was interested i would have wrote back straight away.. seriously your bf is a liar

[RachaelRosen]

And then we had a fight about it and that was when he said he had to handle the situation carefully or else work would be awkward at work.

 

That is such a BS excuse. He is feeding off and enjoying the attention at you and your relationship's expense. Very disrespectful of him.

[LaurenMae]

You're right. I am probably being naive. It's just hard to think that someone you love so much, could do such crappy things to the relationship. Looking back every fight we've had has been due to how he acts and reponds towards girls. He is also jealous, but I haven't warranted any fights for my actions because I take his feelings into account before i make any decsions. I guess he just doesn't give a crap how his actions affect me. This is a super depressing revelation, lol.

[savignon]

Guys do not respond to girls they are not interested in. He would find a way out of messaging her if he really wanted to no matter how awkward is. He is crushing on her and you need to break up with him. Hes already emotionally cheating and he will either cheat physically or dump you for her.

 

After reading your second post, I think you are just plain naive. Hes a cheat. Full stop

 

long distant relationships are nearly always full of trust issues and lies. You need to end this.

 

Your jealousy is not out of control. He has manipulated you into thinking your the problem but anyone in your situation would feel jealous and insecure. This guy is an a**hole and you need to open your eyes

 

^^^^ Thisssss!!!!

You are being verrrrry naive that your "poor boyfriend" is going to accidentally have an affair. He's putting the time and energy into it, feeding you a ton of BS and you're convinced you're the one out of control and crazy. He's got you hook line and sinker. The reason you keep ending up with cheaters is that you miss or ignore the writing on the wall. Respect yourself enough to walk on this guy. He's playing you for a fool.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. If he's not cheating yet, he's at least being disloyal. I'd walk on and let him keep that.

[unsexed]

Ugh you are not crazy! This would drive me nuts. Here's the thing I've learned. .. YOU HAVE TO FIND A PARTNER THAT HAD THE SAME RELATIONSHIP VALUES

 

this means is ok to cheat on your partner if your partner thinks it's ok, it's ok to never leave the house and only perform wifely duties if you're cool and you're partner is cool with it.... Basically, you and the partner have to have the same view on what's acceptable in your relationship.

 

I was in a similar situation as you and it ended... badly. I felt crazy for being jealous questioning my feelings and instincts.

 

Unfortunately for you there's not much you can do because he obviously thinks this is ok and you don't. Id tell him that it needs to stop because it's inappropriate and it is reasonable request for you to ask he de friend her and stop messaging and having lunch just the two of them (in a nice calm manner without threats or ultimatum) because it hurts you. Other than that or leaving him not much else you can do

 

but if it ends, find someone Who has the same moral relationship compass as you. I did and he's a wonderful partner . Just have another major issue lol

 

please answer my latest question in my post

[lerenard]

I think, first of all, you should stop snooping around his Facebook, because obviously this is how you spend your time quite often nowadays, right?

If he cant tell NO to her and concentrate on you, its your turn to say NO and set him free, so he can spend his time doing whatever he wants.

 

And guys can talk with girls they have no sexual interest in, by the way. I have a lot of guy friends, and we joke around about all kinds of stuff, it doesn't mean we have sex or we cheat.

 

What is bigger - your realization that you are indeed a very jealous, insecure person, or your gut-feeling that your BF might be a cheater?

 

I agree that there are some reasons to questions your BF loyalty, but honestly, guys look for somebody to talk to outside of their relationships when something isn't working in it. Even the most loyal guy would run away from constant snooping and jealousy.

 

My BF used to work at the bar, night shifts sometimes, pouring drinks to girls, talking with them, joking with them. And drunk girls can be very trashy. If I worried about each and every one of them, I would be probably crazy now from lack of sleep, and with gray hair all over.

 

You should concentrate on yourself. On how good and amazing YOU can be for him, so he will never even think about anybody else. If you don't want to work on your issues for the sake of the relationship, why should he? You cant control him, but you can control yourself. Set the boundaries and find some confidence. Tell him that when he is with you, you don't want to hear anything about her, and he should pay attention to you, instead of his phone, chatting with somebody. It doesn't matter if its that girl or somebody else. You don't see each other everyday 24 hours, so on days you do see each other - nothing else should be in the way.