Flip the Switch. (Long Post)

[Klaus]

Hello all, I'm here to just vent and maybe getting everything out will help me out, hopefully it will.

 

 

My name is Klaus, I'm currently 21 years of age and my ex-girlfriend is also 21. We broke up a month ago and I've been through hell and back about it, so a little backstory:

 

Me and my ex met eachother online when we were just kids, I was 12 years old at the time! We both played a online PC Games named "Habbo Hotel". We became friends on there until we were 13 / 14 Years of age where we decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend, since we were kids and it was a video game we diddn't think too much of it, we diddn't exactly consider ourserlves REALLY to be together until we began talking to eachother on Msn Messenger.. A lot, and eventually that virtual relationship became a real one, we lived on oposite ends of the UK, I was in Swansea, South wales and she lived in London, England so yea, it was a long-distance internet relationship which are difficult to say the least.

Eventually when we were 16 years old we met up in person, we had a good time and that was basically a "true" start of the relationship as we took it to a phsyical level. We continued to meet eachother over and over, and eventually she decided to move to Cardiff which is only 1 hour away from my city, Swansea, so she could go to Uni there which was great! We saw eachother more and could see eachother whenever we wanted to, things were going great.

 

Now here comes one of the major problems in the relationship, I have always been a bit of a "Sad" person and I dealt with that on my own for years and years, as long as I could remember and to me, I figured everyone felt this way since I never felt any different and diddn't think much of it, but one day she broke up with me, the reason was how I was as a person, how I was nromally nervous about getting a job and going to Uni and such, she felt I was being "Lazy" and not trying so she left me, after she told me it was over (And she told me over Steam chat which is how we communicated daily since it's easy to use) I immediately felt upset, which is normal ofcourse, but this felt much different. It's hard to explain this feeling so I'll try my best here, I felt as if my heart just got a lot heavier, phsyically. I felt cold and I was in shock, I couldn't breathe properly and I just fell to the floor on my hands and knees in shock and finally tears began to run down my face, It diddn't feel real at all, I looked back up at the PC monitor to see her message once more and it just hit me, it was over.. I had just lost my world, in my mind I felt like my life had just ended and it was time to end it all so I picked myself up off the floor and started walking down the stairs and I was heading for the door to leave my home and go kill myself, I had no idea how I was going to do it but I felt numb, I had nothing to live for so it was time for me to go, I still had bloodshot eyes from the crying and I still was crying slightly, As I got to the passage of my doorway of the front door of the house I heard my sister, who doesent live there but she was visiting with her 1 year old daughter, I remember her saying "Josh, are you alright?" as I turned I saw her sitting there in the kitchen and my mother was there too, as I turned to them they both noticed my face and asked me what's wrong, I snapped out of that mindset and realised what I was thinking about.. I was thinking about seriously taking my own life right there and then, and I just broke down crying once more infront of my family which I have never done before, telling them to help me, I told them I wanted to die.

 

After a long conversation with my family we had a emergency doctors apointment made so they took me to the doctors, the doctor asked me a few questions and such and sent me off to a specialist in mental health, after an hour of basically a "interview" with professionals they diagnosed me with Depression and Anxiety, explaining those are the reasons why I'm always nervous about things, they told me the way I've been living my life was not "normal", they were surprised I had never come forward with these feelings before. So that's a good thing right? I found out what was wrong with me and I got put on medication to deal with it, which sort of helped for a while. - I told my ex about it since she was checking to see if I was ok, since I diddn't reply to her messages all day and night that day, after a very long conversation we decided to give it another shot now that we know the reasoning behind my behaviour, and we were great for months!

 

So fast forward say 5 Months or so, my ex was telling me she was feeling upset in the relationship, we started to argue with eachother because she felt that I was not "trying" to get better, I was explainign to her that I'm on a waiting list to attend specialist classes to deal with my anxiety, and the depression issues have mostly gone due to the medication and that I don't get why she feels that I'm not trying, it angered me and hurt me deeply that she would think that since I was trying so hard to make myself better, but I wernt doing it for myself, I was doing it all for her.. I did it all for her so she could be happy, so we could be happy together.

 

Skip ahead another month and this issue came up again, the exact same things were said to eachother but this time it was the end of the relationship.. It was over for good, I felt angry at the time so I said I'm not going through all of this again, if it's over now it's over for good because I don't want to go through this hell over and over again. It was over for good. That night I stayed up all night, I was fighting with myself, I felt so angry at her but at the same time so upset, and then it happened again.. I had a moment of realisation of what just happened, I lost her, I lost my world again, I fell down to the floor again in severe pain, I have never experieced something like this before, It was REAL phsycial pain from being upset? It made no sense to me but apparently your mind is a powerful thing I guess, to even cause you physical pain if your that emotionally messed up. I ended up crawling on my hands and knees towards the door of my room, crying my heart out, at the side of my door is a mirror, and I looked into it, I saw a pathetic exscuse for a man on his hands and knees crying over a woman, I began to hate myself for that and I felt like I was a waste of space, I got back up and went downstairs, everyone was in bed as this was 2 AM, I grabbed a few cans of Strongbow from my fridge and returned to my room, I opened a can and began to down it, I finished the first can in just seconds, I noticed to my left ontop of my PC was my medications, I was switched around onto drifferent Meds due to some sideeffects so I had a lot of old medication just sitting there plus my current medication, I opened them all up and put all the pills on my desk. It turned out to be 175+ anti-depressant tabelts, I grabbed a handfull and threw them into my mouth and started to down my second can, I stopped to grab the rest of the pills and had just taken over 175 tablets, I finished my can and threw on some music and carried on crying to myself. It only took minutes for the overdose effects to kick in, I immedately felt pain in my stomach, my body was trying to force myself to throw up and that was incredibly painfull, I just grit my teeth and diddnt let myself throw this up, I just went to go laydown on my bed, I laid there for about 30 minutes until I started experiecing the secondary effects of the overdose.. hallucinations. I opened my eyes, my light was still on in my room and it was currently 3am, I saw fairly large spider on the bed with me, I immediately jumped up and tried to swat the spider away as I'm very scared of large spiders... Only to see the spider go through my hand as if my hand was some kind of projection, the spider then ran right at me and i leapt off my bed and left my room to where i collapsed just outside of my room, I looked around and saw a spider appear once more, and it ran at me again, I was terrified and diddin't know what was going on, I screamed out for my mothers help.. I got up and burst into her room and she awoke, I was in tears again and told her I had taken an overdose.. I was rushed into hospital, while in the waiting room I apparently passed out and began to have some knd of "fit" where my body was shaking and spazzing out, a bunch of doctors ran out to see what was wrong, all of this is third person since I don't remember any of this.. I was told by my doctor and mother. - I was in the hospital for a week since the overdose caused me to be unable to breathe properly without a oxygen mask so they kept me in.

 

This was only last month that the overdose happened, I've been switched to a new medication which is meant to be much better to deal with depression. I made sure to drop all contact with my Ex, I burnt everything I ever had that remidned me of her, all the cards and presents.. all the hand written letters I received from her when we were young.. I burnt it all, but it was all for nothing as I recieved a text from her a few days ago, she's pregnant with my child. As you can imagine this caused hell for me once more.. I've been going through a hard time again lately but I havent done anything so foolish and stupid as before.

 

I now have to go see her in person in a few days, and be with her for half a day as she's having an abortion and needs someone to be with her for the rest of the day, she hasent told anyone about the pregnancy so it's just me she has.. I agree'd to be there for her since it's because of me she's pregnant and I will not leave her suffer alone because of it... I still don't exactly know how I feel about this pregnancy, if she chose ot have the baby it would be the most difficult thing for us both since we are not together.. and we are still so young and not ready for a child.. but I hate abortions.. And this is my first child, although it's not born I still feel connected to it, is that stupid of me? I never wanted to have kids until I was in my 30s but knowing shes pregnant.. I want the child? I'd rather the child be born and I could be there for him/her, be a father.. I'd rather do all that and take the pain of not being with my ex and having to see her all the time, I'd take the stress of having a child, I'd do everything I could for him/her.. but she's getting an abortion, and all I can think about is that she's killing my first ever child. It's her choice, I have absaloutely no say in the matter and I told her whatever she choses I still by her choice.

 

After all of this, I still feel down.. I still feel upset and there are times at night where I enter a depressed state where the thought of suicide is no longer "stupid" or "Scary" it's the right answer, it's the way out. It's not something I should be thinking, I'm afraid that if this pain carries on that eventually I'll hit that stage again where I feel so much pain I try to take my own life.

 

I'm afraid I'll "Flip the switch" so suicide feels like the right thing to do.

 

- Sorry for such a long post.

[AutumnBorn]

Suicide is never the answer. Doesn't end the pain, just passes it along to those you love. And isn't an end of the pain what you really want?

 

You need more than medication. Are you in counseling? Have you tried proactive exercises, like affirmations to change your thought process?

 

What are you doing with your life? Working? Are you in school now? Do you have a plan for next year or five years from now? What do you enjoy doing?

 

You don't feel depressed because of your ex. Get that straight. The way you're feeling has nothing to do with her. You have a physical, neurological condition that can be treated and dealt with. You need to attack it in all aspects - medically, psychologically, socially, and intellectually (by doing what you enjoy). You can get better and end the torment you feel, but need the right tools and treatments to come out on top.

 

Make the decision today.

[sophi3]

It also helps to open this up with your family and friends.

[Klaus]

Good point about the suicide passing the pain on the others, but the thing is when I flip the switch, I don't feel or care about anyone else, It's like I make myself emotionally numb which allows me to go through with suicide attempts where as before If I would attempt suicide I'd get so far then back out, not wanting to hurt my family or lose my life.

 

I'm not in counseling, yet. I have an apointment in hospital to see a Psychiatrist and hopefully once I tell them all of this something can be done.

I'm not able to work currently due to my Anxiety and depression issues, Sadly. All the plans I had involved my ex, I was going to move to stay with her and go to University there. I guess I'll just go to Uni in my City, I've been a little iffy about Uni since the anxiety makes me afraid to do something since I don't want to fail at it, but I'm going to push myself to go to Uni and do the course I want, I know it would be the best thing for me to do.

 

You don't feel depressed because of your ex. Get that straight. The way you're feeling has nothing to do with her. You have a physical, neurological condition

 

That's a good point, I never thought of it like that, I'm hopeing that the new medication I've been placed on will help, it takes a while for them to begin working apparently, but they should kick in soon!

 

I thank you for reading my post and replying, typing all of that out really did help me a little, feels a lot better to get it off my chest and I'm not the type of person who can talk to people about my feelings and such but I'm learning to open up to people, since bottling everything in just ends in disaster.

 

Since I'm unable to work it gives me a TON of free time, and the weather is almost always miserable here so that cuts out a ton of options what to do, all my friends are in Uni all day so I can't see them most of the day so I've been keeping my mind busy playing video games, I lose myself in those games and hours pass by without me noticing which is such a releif for me, since I feel so enertained and happy for such a long period of time, which is great! I've also been seeing my father a lot more, we've never been close but since the overdose it's brought us much closer together and we finally get to bond over something we both enjoy, Snooker!

 

Thanks for reading and replying again, You helped

[SooSad33]

Hi Klaus... am VERY sorry for all of your pains.

 

First of all.. to 'get yourself better', you should NOT do it for 'them'. You should be doing this for YOU. You are the one who has to live with this.. the rest of your life. I know, I've got the same as you do. (depression & anxiety etc.)

 

If this was your FIRST real girlfriend, this can explain why it's been so devastating for you. Our first loves are ones we can never forget. I need you to try and understand though,,,, this is NOT the end of your world.

It hurts.. a lot, I know. But it's a big hurt going on and a big change in your life as well. You are doing your best in dealing with it, I know.... BUT....

 

In a few months +, things will look different for you than they do right now. Now, it's all still so painful and raw. You have a million emotions to deal with to extreme and all is a fog.

I am also dealing with loss. I am trying to deal with losing my love of 5 yrs. Am now on month 8. It still hurts....

 

I still get those emotions.. and do my best when i go in public, by putting on that mask so all can see me as 'okay'. Then i return home to my 4 walls and sorrows. Some days I prefer that.

 

We all need our own time and our own ways of dealing with 'loss' It is NEVER easy to lose someone we came to love.

But... in time, you WILL be able to see everything a bit more clearer and understand what's been going on and why some things are the way they are.

 

It would be really good if you can get yourself into those classes for anxiety? And also some therapy. I've been in and out of therapy for over 25 yrs. It can help.

 

As for the fact of her wanting 'not' to have this child, and that is bothering you as well, at this time. Again, give it time and all will make some sense. Just, right now, NOTHING is making any sense and you are not in the right frame of mind.

 

Give it time, Klaus, okay. Time will heal and someday you will be able to move on again. But right now.. you need to work slowly on taking care of you. Just like I am here. I'm working on it...one day at a time.

 

Stick around... you're not alone

 

take care

[Twidom]

Hey there friend...I've read your whole story and you know, life is a funny thing...

 

To a certain point, our stories are pretty much the same. I too lost my world. I too fight depression ( for over 10 years now). She also dumped me via "computer". How you described the way you felt, how everything was unreal and real at the same time. The physical pain. Even the suicide part. I too tried to take my own life on the second week of my breakup. And there are days that I still think about doing that. Weekends are the worst of course.

 

But as everyone here is going to tell you...You have to hold on. You and I are both young. We have so much ahead of us. So many things to accomplish and so many people to know...Does that make you feel better? No, it probably doesn't. As it doesn't make ME feel better, but I have to try I suppose. If we end our lives now, what will that accomplish?

The pain is going to stop, yes, but along with that, everything else. Our future happy times, our future everything will vanish. Will that change our exes lives? Probably not.

 

They'll feel bad for sometime and then eventually, move on. They will get married, will be happy. Will grow old happy. They will see their grandchildren happy...What I'm trying to say is:

 

Things look bad? Things ARE bad? Yes but don't you want to try to be happy? You deserve to be happy. Everyone does. So look forward to that. I know the way you're feeling now. It's horrible, terrible. It's a pain just to wake up and get out of bed. But we have to move on. We have to find our happiness...

 

You're not alone in this.

[SooSad33]

Nice to hear you are involved more with your father, again.

 

As for Uni? I suggest you take a good, decent break on all.. until you can get yourself and your mind back on track.

Since studying is a high demand on your mind etc, with high expectations, i'd suggest you take at least this year off so you can continue to take care of yourself, for now.

 

Give it all time.. slow down a bit. Work on your sleeping, eating and your family/ friends like you are.

[Klaus]

Thank you all for the responding to my thread and the advice that you have given, I read all your posts and I'm happy I decided to post here! I've been thinking about it for a few days if I should just sign up here and vent my story to see if it would help, and I was right, it did help.

 

It's nice to know that people are able to understand the way I am, sadly my family are unable to really "understand" what I'm going through, they realise I'm in pain over the break up but they don't realise how severe the pain is due to my mental issues, so it's kind of a breath of fresh air to find people who understand, who have been through similare things. Thank you all once again, I'll stay here and keep posting often and hopefully one day I can make an update where I'm in a much better part in my life.

[Twidom]

It's good to see we're helping My family does not understand me too. My mom reached a point of almost kicking me out of the house because she thought I was "overreacting things and being childish". Stick with us. Give us updates We're always helping each other over here.

[sophi3]

My dad actually walked out when I was eating breakfast and crying at the same time. I turned to my friends instead. Just post updates even if you don't feel okay yet. One day at a time

[Klaus]

Hey all.

 

Figured I'd post up another message because I'll be back here tomorrow with another update..

Tomorrow (Tuesday) I have to go to Cardiff to stay with my ex for quite a few hours, as I already stated in the large post that she was pregnant and she is getting an abortion, shes going in for the second stage of the abortion tomorrow and apparently she's going to be in a lot of pain and such, she needs someone there with her for the day and all her family and friends are in England, and she hasent told anyone about the pregnancy but me.. so ofcourse I'm her only option.

I agree'd to be there for her because although she may have ripped my heart out, I'm not gonna let her suffer.

 

I know it's going to be so damn difficult to even look at her without getting somewhat upset, I just hope I can hold it all together. - She's going to be in a very emotional state so I'm expecting random stuff to happen such as her maybe asking to "try things again" but I've promised myself to realise if something like that DOES happen it's just purely due to the abortion stuff and I should just comfort her and be there for her, but to NOT agree to getting back together at all costs.

 

I believe I can do it but I know that when I leave to go home I will feel so.. , for lack of a better word. I'll have to rush myself home as soon as possible and post on here just incase I end up doing something stupid, but I believe I can control myself. I'll update this thread with the outcome tomorrow, thanks again everyone for being there, it's nice to be able to talk to people about this.

[Klaus]

Hey guys. It's been half a month since I updated, just havent felt up to it really..

So, I'll just update you all on my situation, I left to go look after my Ex due to the abortion and I showed up, everything was fine, obviously seeing her caused a bit of emotions to jump into my head but I forced them out, after a few hours I just couldnt hold it back, all the love just came back and there came a point where we ended up kissing, only a little.

 

She was still bleeding heavily (Sorry for being a lil graphic, heh!) after a few hours so I chose to spend the night and she was fine with that, since she may have to be rushed into the hospital if the bleeding continued heavy. But obiously.. problems occurred, we began to kiss more often and made out, telling eachother we loved eachother and we missed eachother, it felt amazing to be kissing her again.. We agree'd to NOT get back together but to try out "Dating" for a little while, maybe see if we can try it out again sometime you know?

 

I wish I diddn't because now she's told me she met some guy online and then met up with him while she was back at her home in london with parents for the holidays.. she's still at london now, we're just speakin through texts. She says she diddn't realise it was a "date".. I mean really? How can you NOT realise it's a date if a guy invites a girl out for coffee, I'm sorry but is it just me? To me that sounds like a fricken DATE! Ugh.

 

But anyway, my heart feels like it's breaking all over again and it's ripping me apart! This is the crappiest new years I have EVER had. It's like I'm going through the breakup all over again, I told her that I don't want to be "used", I don't want to be some guy she can have until a new one comes along, I want us to actually TRY and see if we can make it work, if a month down the line of trying and is just still the same as it was for her before, then we'll go our separate ways for good.

 

I think she just agree'd to it just because she doesent want to lose me as a friend, I told her there's no way possible I can be friends with her, if she ever got another boyfriend it would just kill me.. so it's impossible for me to stay in touch with her when it's over.. I think that's fair for me to say that right? I always said that since DAY 1 of our relationship and I've repeated it over the years... ugh.

 

I'm still holding back the emotions since I fear I will try to do something stupid if I let go and let it all come out again.

[Twidom]

I know you don't want to hear this but you should have not kissed her. You should have not said "I love you and miss you". You should have stayed adamant to the very end.

 

This probably set you back to day 0...Stay strong buddy. And be ready for the wave of emotions again.

[Klaus]

I know you don't want to hear this but you should have not kissed her. You should have not said "I love you and miss you". You should have stayed adamant to the very end.

 

This probably set you back to day 0...Stay strong buddy. And be ready for the wave of emotions again.

 

Yea I know, I'm pretty much back at square one now and feel like such a fool. Atleast this time I'm able to vent all my emotions out onto here which helps so so so much!

[Klaus]

Lil update.

 

Been chatting to a few new girls recently and ended up sleeping with one of these girls, I think that actually helped me a lot because it's shown me that the Ex isnt the only girl out there who I can connect with emotionally and phsyically. I've broken off all communication with the ex again and keeping it like that now, I've always felt angry towards her about the abortion since I strongly disagree with abortions, I still would have preferred to have the child and be a father but it was her decision and she chose to abort it and that's always made me feel some hatred towards her, and now I'm focusing on that hate to make damn well sure I'll never contact her again.

 

She will always be known as the girl who killed my first child.. may seem sick to think that way but it helps me deal with the emotions.