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Pregnant- Hurt by baby's father, not sure I want him around


sunnyb

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Hi everyone. This is my first post to this forum and wanted to give you a brief background.

 

I am 35 and dated a man aged 27 for about 6 months. He had been married and his wife left him, so he was in the process of finalizing his divorce when I met him. The age difference is steep, but I foolishly felt that his maturity level was higher due to him traveling, living alone for a while, having been married, etc. It's hard for me to admit this, but the relationship was much more meaningful to me than to him and I fell in love. He did not. After 6 months of dating, I asked him what was going on with us, as I started to wonder if he felt the same way I did. My heart was broken when he told me he doesn't see himself in a relationship for a long time and doesn't see us as a couple or as anything that could be that. I was left hurt, angry, and confused as I met his family, his co-workers, was invited on couple's trips with him and his friends, etc.- all the things that point that this is anything but casual. Needless to say, the relationship or whatever it was ended after that conversation. I was pretty upset because I truly felt led on and told him that in a not so nice way.

 

10 days later, I surprisingly found out I was pregnant. Now, before anyone starts in on assumptions, know that I was on the pill and we were not sleeping with other people (so he says). This was entirely unplanned and very unwanted by me at first. Since our relationship didn't end so well, he wouldn't take my calls and I was forced to text him the news. When we finally did sit down and talk he said that he didn't feel a child should be brought into the world if the parents weren't going to be together and he demanded an abortion. I refused and he stormed out. I didn't hear from him for 2 months.

 

I finally received a call from him, wanting to talk and he said he had some time to think and wants to be involved for the baby's sake, but no relationship with me. I am really struggling here because I love this man, want a family together and find myself really hurting over this. I should be happy that my child will have a father that wants to be involved, but I am not. His father is in the military and is leaving in 2 weeks for up to a year, so he may not even be here until the baby is 6 months old. He will be out of the country.

 

He has already painted a pretty grim picture of his involvement, telling me that his visits will likely be "far and few between" with the baby, that is he gets transferred due to his job, he will not have much contact and is okay with that, he has no issues with bringing random women that he is sleeping with around the child when he has the baby, and is unwilling to set up specific visitation or financial support because he is uncertain how much he can be around and just wants to play things by ear. I am having great difficulty with his renewed sense of what he thinks is being involved. I asked him if he wanted to come to the ultrasound where we find out the sex and he responded "if I am available", he has no desire to be there when the baby is born due to being squeamish, and has never once asked me how I feel or if I need anything. I get that we aren't together, but how hard is it to be mindful of me? I am the one carrying this baby he supposedly wants now. We go weeks without talking to each other as well. No way to build a good relationship for the baby's sake if you ask me.

 

I know there will be people who say that is isn't about me, it's about what is in the best interest for the baby, etc. I am tired of hearing this. I know this already, so please don't go there. I don't feel that being involved at his convenience is good enough and I am not one of those people who feel that something is better than nothing. It's all in or all out. You step up and be a parent, or go away. That's how I feel. I also am not one of those people who truly believe that a child necessarily needs two parents, especially when one is flaky.

 

I have already failed my child by having this man give him/her part of his DNA and I refuse to fail him/her more by allowing the father to offer only scraps of time and not care to do more than that.

 

Can someone please give me some advice on how to heal from this? I go from loving this man and wanting him to wake up and see what he is missing and wanting us to be a family, to hating him and dreading having to be in the front row while he sleeps around and moves on. When I move that selfishness away and think about my baby, I feel terrible about how little I feel he will offer as a father. I am all over the place with emotion.

 

I just wish he would go away. What do I do?

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Well he made it pretty clear he didnt want to further a relationship with you, even prior to the baby news. Yes you got hurt, but that is what 6 mos worth of dating is really intended for - to decide if you want long term with someone or not. It seems like you thought/are thinking the fact that you are pregnant was going to magically make him want to now have a relationship. Nope - his feelings haven't changed. Again, it hurts. But that is his right.

 

He did not want to have a child, however hen his mind cleared, he did contact you to state his involvement in the child's life. So he did make an effort. If he's in the military, the truth is, he WON'T be around as often as you would prefer. The military is a very demanding career. I'm sure you knew his career when you were dating him.

 

Sorry it's not 'all in or all out' when you decide to keep a child that a man truly didn't want anyway. He is agreeing to co-parent, and yes that IS 'something' that you need to decide you want for your CHILD or if you want to stand in the way of whatever efforts he chooses to make. It's really not about you anymore. He does NOT have to come to appointments with you or be in the delivery room. He does not have to mindful of you on YOUR terms. That's you trying to make him care for you in a way that he stated he does not.

 

For your child's sake, just apply for child support, get a legal custody/visitation order in place, and start thinking like a single mom. Thinking like this and blaming him is only going to keep you frustrated.

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Sadly, I just feel like because he changed his mind about the baby, he will change it about me too, which I know is ridiculous, but in my hormonal state, it's hard not having that and my stupid little fairytale brain just cannot comprehend this. I just feel like if he didn't want the baby and only seems to want to do this half-assed, that it would be better all around for him to just disappear. Like I said, ball of emotions here. One minute, I am all for it, the next, I wish he would go away. Truthfully, I didn't feel tired, sick, or sad when he wasn't around and was acting like we didn't exist. Now, I am sick to my stomach, I wake up in the middle of the night and cannot get back to sleep for hours, I drag through my day and am sad all day. I miss the days where I felt empowered that I was going to do this by myself and had all my plans laid out. Now, I am an anxious, irritable mess. This sucks. It is taking everything in me not to call him and tell him "I do not want to raise this baby with you".

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Yeah, the hormones are probably what are making some things hard to register, but you might want to lean on other supports during this time. Any family/close friends you can rely on?

 

No need to call him and tell him you don't want him to raise the baby with you, bc you WON'T be raising the baby with him. YOU will be raising the baby, and he will have visits. This is the cold truth, as children usually live with one custodial parent(typically mom) majority of the time, and the other parent just has visitation. I think you want to call him and just vent your frustrations, because he is not paying you any attention and not acting as you would like.

 

You would do best with foregoing this attitude ASAP and find other supports. Single mom support groups, meetups, online forums and really do away with the fairy-tale idea in your head. It's not fair to anyone: him, you or your child. You need to be in the strongest emotional/mental/physical state that you can be...and you can't do that by crucifying the man you CHOSE to lay with, who has chosen not live as one big happy family with you..

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Thanks, Freedom. I need a voice of reason right now. I do need to vent and I tried with him, telling him exactly how I felt. I laid it all out there and still no change. I got a "I think you're overthinking things". He has asked me twice if I want him to be involved and each time I said yes. Next time he asks, I am not even sure what to say. I just hope I get out of this funk soon.

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If his job has him travelling often and he really doesn't sound too interested he will probably just fade out of your child's life anyway.

If he is free & single & dating I cant imagine too many of his "lady friends" thinking that a date that includes a baby sounds like too much fun!

 

Hopefully you have some strong dependable men in your life that can become a male role model to your child. Just don't get into the habit of bad mouthing the father to the child. Doesn't do anyone any good!!!!!

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This man used you as a rebound. You didnt see the red flags at the time coz you were likely too infatuated by him but he is showing his through colors now. No wonder hes divorced. What an a**hole!

 

Listen this is your baby. You do not let this c**t dictate anything to you. You know a father who swans in and out of the babies life is not good enough.

 

You need to tell him to get lost. That you will rear this baby alone.

 

Men like him cause more damage to a childs emotional health then you could ever imagine so if hes not willing to be consistent and reliable, he can f**k off

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This man used you as a rebound. You didnt see the red flags at the time coz you were likely too infatuated by him but he is showing his through colors now. No wonder hes divorced. What an a**hole!

 

Listen this is your baby. You do not let this c**t dictate anything to you. You know a father who swans in and out of the babies life is not good enough.

 

You need to tell him to get lost. That you will rear this baby alone.

 

Men like him cause more damage to a childs emotional health then you could ever imagine so if hes not willing to be consistent and reliable, he can f**k off

 

This made me laugh. I could not have said it better. You are right. I did not see the warning signs because I was indeed infatuated. Believe me, they were there, but I had blinders on. That's where I screwed up. Having relations with this man was my second mistake, but let's be honest, we're all adults here and stuff happens. His wife left him. She moved all her stuff out of the house and took off while he was away for work. Sounded harsh when I met him and I felt sorry for him until I found out after we split that it was because he didn't spend time with her and wanted to go fishing all the time instead. Apparently, she told him a few times that he needed to shape up or she was outta there. After the fact, he then said "I guess I see now what she was talking about". Uh, hello?!

 

I voiced all of my frustrations and concerns to him, trying to communicate and be a mature adult and I got nowhere with him. He just doesn't "get it" you know? He isn't wired like that, so to expect anything more that a ghost of a man is unreasonable. Some friends say to give him a chance, but this is not a game where you can come in, fumble it, and move on. I have one shot at this and I want nothing but the best for my baby. He isn't it and I will forever be sorry that he is all I have to offer my child. I know I can do a better job on my own and hopefully find a strong partner in the future.

 

Until then, I will do my best to hold my head up high and move forward. It's not easy by any means.

 

Thanks for the laugh and the support. I wanted to yell "Yeah, that's what I am talking about!! Right on! When I read your post"

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If his job has him travelling often and he really doesn't sound too interested he will probably just fade out of your child's life anyway.

If he is free & single & dating I cant imagine too many of his "lady friends" thinking that a date that includes a baby sounds like too much fun!

 

Hopefully you have some strong dependable men in your life that can become a male role model to your child. Just don't get into the habit of bad mouthing the father to the child. Doesn't do anyone any good!!!!!

 

 

I envision him with some young, immature chick who thinks it's cute to play dress up and house with my baby. Heck to the NO on that one. But, you're right. A decent, level headed woman will not want this mess, especially when she sees how aloof and irresponsible he is. I pray for him to get orders to move far away. I really do.

 

I will not bad mouth him. That is why I am venting now. But can I just say this man could not remember my due date? He couldn't remember when his own child is supposed to be born. Oh my goodness. What did I and do I see in this man? Wow. Says a lot about me, huh?

 

I will have to be honest at some point about our relationship and his lack of involvement, but there is time yet for that and saying bad things about him will not get anyone anywhere.

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I think if he's going to be fully involved in the child's life he should be a true father. If he does not or cannot do that, he shouldn't be involved in a way that will confuse and be hurtful to the child. He had sex with you knowing that no method of birth control is guaranteed to work and that he could end up with a child the end of the day. I think the whole idea that he can just drift in and out of the child's life and have random women around her without a care in the world is, simply put, deadbeat dad behavior. He does not want to be a father and so I would seriously consider not having him involved in the child's life at all if it's just going to be emotionally painful for him or her. Either way, it may be hurtful, but you need to sort out which is the lesser of two evils and hopefully he will agree to that.

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This man has no emotional intelligence. Thats what it sounds like to me. A baby isn't a pet puppy which is what he is treating this like.

 

You do what is best for you and your baby. Your right-being a single mum or having a loving step dad is far better for a kids emotional/mental health than a half a**ed father.

 

Just tell him hes off the hook. You do not want him involved and your no longer giving him a choice because you will not put your baby at risk of emotional abuse from a man who comes and goes like a ghost. Simple!

 

Good luck to you.

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Also you are worth a lot more and deserve better than this donkey. Forget the fantasy of some happy ever after. Sometimes you gotta be careful what you wish for. Its clear to me that he is not husband or father material so please set your standards higher in future and keep your eyes open for those red flags

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Wow, this guy really has cornered the market on shirking his responsibilities. If I read your initial post right, you said he flat out told you he doesn't want an official custody arrangement because he is not sure 'when he will be around'? NO. Not acceptable. I know you aren't keen on this guy being a fly by night father, but if you DON'T get something official in place, then you will not see ANY support from this guy other than when he deigns to come by every now and then to feed his ego and play daddy.

 

Whether he likes it or not, he helped create this child, and he also has a legal obligation to help support it. That means financial. If you cannot get anything more from him, you should at least have that - for your child's sake. That support will help give your child a better life. Get a custody and court arrangement set up - that way he will be required by law, to pay you child support. Yes, it will give him visitations rights, but let's face it...he is the father and he deserves to have the opportunity to try. If he doesn't show or flakes out, at least he is still legally obliged to help take care of his kid.

 

Don't accept any kind of arrangement in which you "play it by ear" or YOU and your child will pay the price. He helped create this child, and like it or not, he is legally obligated to help support it. He knows that and is trying to find a way out of it.

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You're all right and just giving me the strength I needed because I was starting to feel like nobody really understood what I was saying and how stressed I really am with this situation. So, thank you. I am struggling most with how I handle this situation before he leaves. He is leaving for overseas in less than 2 weeks, I haven't spoken to him in just as long, and I am sure he will reach out at some point. I don't know if I can hold back and just let him go and not say anything or if I should just tell him now that I feel that his involvement will be more detrimental because it's half-assed now. I have no desire to keep in touch while he is gone. I mean, we don't even talk now, so what is the point. I know myself and I cannot pretend everything is ok.

 

It's sticky because while I shouldn't care what others think of me, you know I am going to come accross like a heartless b**ch. It'll be like "look how terrible she is for alienating him and right before he deploys". I am in mega protection and momma bear mode though, so I just need to say what is on my mind for the sake of my child. Either way, I doubt he cares.

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We all have had a douchebag in our lives, and we all learn to never ever have one again

 

You sound level headed & that you have this thing worked out, which is a good thing.

 

If he does fade out you will need to address this with your child, but hopefully he/she will be so loved & wanted that this wont be a huge issue.

 

Best of luck

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It's sticky because while I shouldn't care what others think of me, you know I am going to come accross like a heartless b**ch. It'll be like "look how terrible she is for alienating him and right before he deploys". I am in mega protection and momma bear mode though, so I just need to say what is on my mind for the sake of my child. Either way, I doubt he cares.

 

Who cares what other people think. This is about you & your child. Just ignore the idiots who think they have a say in your life.

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It's sticky because while I shouldn't care what others think of me, you know I am going to come accross like a heartless b**ch. It'll be like "look how terrible she is for alienating him and right before he deploys". I am in mega protection and momma bear mode though, so I just need to say what is on my mind for the sake of my child. Either way, I doubt he cares.

 

Who cares what other people think. This is about you & your child. Just ignore the idiots who think they have a say in your life.

 

I really shouldn't. I know. I just get so angry that no matter what this guy does, everyone loves him! I was under this spell too. It's unreal. He is so charming and charismatic and has this way of coming out on top all the time and looking like a hero. I feel that no matter what I do, I will be in the wrong. If I keep this up and accept his scraps of time, my child will likely suffer and so will I. If I cut him out, nobody will see what I see and ever understand what I have had to deal with. I will look difficult and rotten when it is really him. There is no justice.

 

I really don't want to fight. I am in no position to anyway because as crappy as this is, no court will ever see my side. I don't have a leg to stand on. They will always see that the father should be involved in some way, no matter how small. I disagree and don't feel they should have any say, but that's not reality. I just wish he would see how much harm he is doing already. His thought process alone is just all wrong and I am having a hard time wrapping my head around how a man who created a baby and has his first child on the way can see that not being hands-on and giving fatherhood his all is essential and that giving scraps of time, if that, is harmful in the long run. I don't think there is anything that I can do to pound it into him. I mean, his friends talked him into coming around. He actually admitted if they hadn't told him to man up and be responsible, that he likely would not have reached the decision on his own. I think that speaks volumes.

 

He leaves in 10 days for his deployment and I haven't spoken to him in 2 weeks. To heck with asking me how I am doing and if I need anything. I would need to move mountains for that. But, he has never once asked how the baby is, when my next appointment is, what the doctors have said. Nothing!

 

I really just think I need to sit down and tell him "Look, what you are offering is not good enough and you and I both know this. You would not have come around on your own, you already admit the visits will be 'far and few between', you are not bothered at all by no relationship with this baby if you move, you have not made any arrangements for visitation or financial support, you have no problem bringing random women around the baby, which could cause significant confusion, you have no respect for me as the mother of your child, you are not too jazzed about even being there to find out the sex, you have no desire to be there when the baby is born, and don't even remember the due date. I think it's safe to say that you really aren't on board like this baby needs. So, maybe the right thing here is for you to just move along and disappear".

 

Is this too harsh? Because I think the garbage he is offering is way worse and I cannot even think of the disappointment my child will suffer when he realizes that his father is half-assed. I think about that movie "Liar, Liar" with Jim Carrey where he makes these promises and breaks them and his little boy just sits there on the steps, waiting for his dad to come get him and he doesn't because something better came up. It breaks my heart.

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Yeah, it's pretty harsh. I have mixed feelings about this thread but wanted to just give you some advice, anyway.

 

It is harsh. And it is also very, very understandable. I agree with you that parenting is one of those black and white issues...You're all in, or all out. And all in doesn't necessarily need to translate to seeing baby every single day, but it is a full commitment to being as present and available as possible...For the well-being of the baby, physical, mental, emotional, financial. Consistency, so important.

 

The way he talks, it seems as if he almost wants you to say that to him. The cool apathy, disinterest. Like then, you can let him off the hook and he doesn't feel any guilt about being an absent father. Of course, I am speculating, but it's the impression I get. And it's also a very real thing that happens.

 

I can also tell you, with people like this you waste your breath. Every time you say something, it only has thus far served to aggravate you further. More of the anxiety, more stress. And if he's weird, he might start getting nutty and threatening you for custody out of spite. Also a real thing that happens.

 

It's evidently still early on in your pregnancy. I'm not really a believer of people 'coming around' - I think the majority of people tend to stay consistent all accross the board. Of course, there's always the off chance, but..I think it is safer and more reasonable to take people for what they show you to be. Talk is very cheap. Until you see the action to back it up, I would expect nothing from him.

 

Let him call you, for updates. Let him take an initiative. Let him make arrangements. See what he does. Watch. Don't listen, just watch. The one thing you do have going for you, as weird as it sounds, is that you are still pregnant and baby will be young, too young to understand. It is a thing to be grateful for, that you can at least attempt to get a feel and idea of how things will pan out.

 

It means surrendering that control, but many times it is to your benefit.

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Absolutely spot on in every way with fabulous perspective and advice! So, thank you. I completely agree as well with the feeling that he almost wants me to tell him to buzz off. I have felt that way from the start. That way, he doesn't end up looking like the a**hole here and it is me. He has that way about him. I told him in the beginning when I first told him about my pregnancy: "You can go, if it's too much of you to step up and get on board with this, I don't need you. You can go". He turned that around and said that I threw him out of my house and that's why he didn't contact me for 2 months. Riiiight. Had nothing to do with the fact that he demanded an abortion and I refused, but ok, buddy. Play the victim here.

 

At any rate, I agree with the sitting back and watching what he does. I think very little is about right. I also am starting to think that maybe I shouldn't make any decisions until after the baby is born. I am not sure why. I just feel that he needs to get this deployment out of the way and I need my space too. I doubt he will come around and be a changed man, but observing and gathering more information on his next move might play out in my favor. That just hit me today. Yesterday, I couldn't wait to have a conversation with him to tell him off and his poor treatment of me is consuming me. I am waking up all hours of the night, not able to sleep, and this needs to stop.

 

I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and find out tomorrow what the sex is. This is supposed to be a happy time and I am letting him rob me of that. I cannot change how people act and feel and no matter what I say or do with him, it will never sink in. He needs to come to terms with things on his own and I need to let go and let things happen the way they are supposed to.

 

Thank you again.

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You're welcome.

 

If I were you, I'd file for child support as soon as possible after the baby is born. The military does NOT play around with child support. That would be the one thing I wouldn't take the watch and wait stance with. It helps and your child will be entitled to that.

 

Finding out the sex is very exciting. Hopefully you get a clear potty shot!

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His wife left him. She moved all her stuff out of the house and took off while he was away for work. Sounded harsh when I met him and I felt sorry for him until I found out after we split that it was because he didn't spend time with her and wanted to go fishing all the time instead. Apparently, she told him a few times that he needed to shape up or she was outta there. After the fact, he then said "I guess I see now what she was talking about". Uh, hello?!

 

 

Yup...he's a commitment phobe for sure, and a hardcore one at that. I was wondering what occurred in the marriage. I think we all could save ourselves a lot of grief if we could talk to the ex. You were fortunate to gain that bit information. Intimacy is the enemy of a commitment phobe and this baby just a symbol of that intimacy...and that is why commitment phobes run when they get the happy news.

 

There is a book that I would like to recommend to you that will give you a great deal of insight. The book is: "Men Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter.

 

As far at the baby goes, please have no expectations from him at all. I recommend that you get his rank and serial number and his social security number so that he can be traced for the purpose of obtaining child support. Child support is the ONLY thing that you should expect from this man and please use deligence in securing that for YOUR baby because that is what it is, YOUR BABY. Think of him as a sperm donor only.

 

There will come a time in your future that you will be in a relationship with a man who welcomes you and your chid into his life and loves you both with his whole heart. It just is not going to be this man, that is for sure. This man may see the child a few times in his lifetime, but I would be very surprised if he makes visitation a regular thing.

 

Please tell us...do you have a support system from your family and/or friends? You need a support from someone other than this man as you will not get it from him. We can be a support to you somewhat on this site, but that is limited support, I am afraid. Please do keep us informed I would like to know the sex of the baby and names you have picked out and all of those exciting things. Now is the time to find your strength and you can do this. ((HUGS))....:strawberry: chi

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The baby's father was a huge college sports star. He was well known, set tons of records, and was on tv a lot. He got married in his early 20's to a very family oriented girl whose family had a lot of money and status as well. She moved to be with him and from what he told my friend and what my friend told me, she became very upset that he didn't spend a lot of time with her. He likes to go on about his business, do his fishing and hunting and hang out with the guys. For a woman who is in a new state, away from her friends and family, this is a problem. His friend told me she "did a number on him", though did tell him she was unhappy in the marriage and gave him ample opportunity to shape up, but he just didn't see it. When she left, he told my friend "I guess I see now what she was talking about", but I know that he didn't want the divorce. He wanted to work it out at first. When it became apparent it wasn't going to, he said to me "I just want it all to be over with" and "I don't see myself in a relationship especially after that sh*t". So, he has a lot of things to work out and it doesn't seem he is willing/able to take responsibility for any of his actions or where he went wrong. He needs to mature and grow up. I don't think this deployment will do anything for him in that way either, so I give up. I am tired of making excuses for him. If he put half as much effort into being a good human being and a good man that he does at his sports, he would be awesome.

 

I found out yesterday that I am having a little girl, which was a HUGE shock. I have always "known" it was a boy. There was no convincing me otherwise until I saw the ultrasound. I did not tell the baby's father, though I know he wants a girl. I haven't heard from him in weeks and he leaves in one week for his deployment.

 

So, lesson learned...my intuition sucks! I thought he was amazing and there was this connection. Wrong. I never thought I would be a mom. Wrong. And I thought for sure I was having a boy. Wrong again. From now on, I am throwing my hands up and letting things happen the way they are supposed to.

 

I have a great support system. I have so many friends and family that are here for me, that I need nothing. Except his money, which I am filing for ASAP once the baby is born. I have all his information, except what his address will be when he gets back, but I cannot be the only one who doesn't have that.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I got this!

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