Jump to content

Do you ever feel ok again?

Recommended Posts

Can anyone tell me whether you ever feel OK again when you lose someone very suddenly?


It happened to me a month ago when my fiance walked out unexpectedly, and is made worse I guess because we lived with his son and my son, so I lost an entire family that I loved overnight as well as my home. One minute I had a family and a partner and a wedding around the corner. the next minute it´s just me and my son. He lost his "Dad" and his "Brother" and if I think about that I can barely breathe with pain.


People told me it would get better, but it seems to be feeling just worse and worse and I can´t talk to people anymore.


I get through each day, but all my mind does is race round and round, going over and over the past and I can´t think. I can´t watch TV, I can´t read, I can´t work. I barely eat and I know I am getting painfully thin. I am wearing the same clothes and not even bothering to get undressed at night. I can´t see any future and have lost all hope.


I have a child, so I have to get up, shower, get us food - but I am ashamed to say I feel like I can´t connect to my son and I am very scared by that. I feel like nothing inside me is alive anymore and I just want to find a way to be positive, to live in the moment and to really believe things will one day be good again because I know that is what makes sense.


What are you supposed to do? And do you ever feel ok again?


Has anyone ever had a husband walk out, or experienced a death of a partner? I know this isn´t a death, but it feels like one because one minute he was my everything and we were in love and happy with a family to raise and the very next minute he was gone and now I don´t know who or what i am anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry you are feeling that way. Yes, you can feel OK again. In your case, your loss was sudden and traumatic for you. This may require extra time and care for healing. In time your subconscious mind will process and accept it and quit sending you feelings telling you you're not OK. Those feelings will stop. It's a matter of adaptation to a new reality, adaptation be your subconscious mind. In your case a radically different reality and different life than what you were used to, namely, the loss of your spouse. That is a lot to deal with. I hope you will feel better soon. And your final statement in your post indicates that your sense of self-identity has taken a hit from this as well, so you may want to work on that as well.

In my case I tried everything that is suggested, with little success. The only things that really worked for me were (a) a series of very painful moments of acceptance and (b) working with a hypnotherapist to replace thoughts and beliefs that were holding me back and keeping me stuck in it. Everyone's path to healing is different and everyone benefits from their own methods and techniques and goes at their own pace. I believe that the real healing takes place at the subconscious level and that is difficult to control. If you practice the advice given on this site and by other advisors the the process of adaptation will happen in your subconscious mind and you will feel OK again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, you will feel OK again... One month is still very fresh, especially if your relationship was serious enough at the time to be engaged. There are lots of hopes and dreams tied up in that, so you have to grieve the loss of the person and the expectations that you tied to that person, so it is tough and does take time.


You will go thru all the stages of grief like losing a loved one to a death, and it will cycle, sometimes better, sometimes worse. So at one month it is still really fresh.


What you have to focus on is maintaining your health and getting enough sleep because not sleeping makes it a lot worse. If you find yourself really degenerating, then call a doctor to get help either with some short-term counseling to help you get past this and put it into perspective, to some medication if the stress is slipping you into a biochemical depression.


Right now you just need some more time to pass, and if you find yourself really unable to function, you may have slipped into a depression that needs help from a professional and should schedule a doctor's visit. It really does sound like you're now clinically depressed, so i suggest a doctor's visit as soon as you can schedule one. Short term counseling and medication can do wonders to help you get through this very rough time. But you WILL be fine... it just won't happen overnight.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The first few weeks I was on my own I went through a lot of what you described; inability to focus, loss of appetite, depression, not wanting to get out of bed. I would make it through each day, but was really just going through the motions. One thing I found thst helped me was forcing myself to get out of bed at a certain time, and then immediately take a shower and get dressed. Even if I was just going to hang around my apartment. Before that I would wallow and when I did go out to run errands I would go with my crazy bed head looking like garbage. I found that at least looking like I had myself together elevated my mood a bit. Its going to take time to gwt completely over this. Heartbreak sucks, losing someone you loved is terrible. I have been on my own a month. The first two weeks were terrible, but I can say that its getting better, and it will get better for you as well. I am sorry you are hurting. Lean on friends and family for emotional support, and utilize this forum. I found that ENA has really helped me process my feelings in a more constructive manner. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, you do feel ok again. Its part of human nature, we adapt to everything, harsh environments, different foods, diseases, and feelings and emotions. You can carry the hurt with you for a long time, and it make creep up on you in certain moments (like when the last girl i was with ended things, i did think about my ex and how lucky i used to be) - but you go right back into YOU mode- it happens without notice, even when you dont want it to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, you do. You can. You will.


Part of your issue lies not just in losing the fiance, but as you said the family with the fiance's son. So there's a double loss on top of it all. It's very normal to feel what you're feeling, but at this point and time no matter what you're feeling Christmas is coming and you have a son who needs you, because he's lost someone too. Take the time to reach out to him, to do special fun things for the two of you. Even if you don't feel happy, even if the last thing you want to do is get out of bed and go somewhere, put a happy face on and go anyways. Smile and force yourself to feel some sort of joy, no matter how small. It helps and in time you'll find you don't even have to force it.


This is one of those situations where you will sometimes have to fake it until you make it so to speak. You have a child, you can't do anything but that. It's horrible, but it is what it is and as a mom you have a higher duty right now. If you can afford or find any sort of outside person to talk with, be it a counselor, a pastor, a very wise friend, do so. Make sure you eat and sleep and that you rebuild your life. Work to reconnect with your son, the numbness you're feeling towards him may be a bit of a protective shell to keep yourself from feeling period, but it isn't really a good thing.


I'm sorry this has happened to you and so unexpectedly. I lost a very close friend two years ago to a car wreck. He was someone I'd grown up with, who had always been there for me, I was closer to him than my own brother. We might've even gotten married at some point, but he was gay and that just wasn't going to ever happen. Nonetheless he was the one I ran to whenever I needed help, to talk, to have someone in my corner. And suddenly he was just gone. The first two months were like being trapped under the ice of a lake, I could move but I couldn't breathe really and it hurt all the time. And then bit by bit life itself woke me back up and I moved forward. I still miss him, but that dark grief is gone and has been for a long time.


We can't always control when someone leaves us, just what comes towards us in the future. If you have others depending on you then put use that to help keep yourself in motion, allow yourself time daily though to reflect and mourn, and allow yourself time to still feel joy no matter how small that might be. Push forward no matter what, no matter how tempting it might be to just stop, because that's when it becomes a really bad thing.


You will be okay, you will smile again. That band around your heart does dissolve.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Sara.... So sorry to hear of your loss...


And yes, this is very much same as a 'death', because you're dealing with a loss. Loss of a partner & relationship.


You will be dealing with these many emotions for a while to come. It can take months to over come everything and to finally one day 'start' to feel okay again.

Meanwhile you will feel the sadness, confusion, denial, lonliness and anger. It's all normal stages with loss. It will hit in 'waves'- one moment okay...next moment lost in tears etc.


It all takes time, is all. Time is all we have and not a lot we can do about these emotions.


What it sounds like with you is your 'anxiety' has peaked. (loss of apetite, sleep etc). I suggest you go see your doctor about this so they can help 'ease' the anxiety. I am on Cipralex and have been on it for about 6 months now. I am also on Elavil for depression & help with my sleep. Melatonin (natural) is also a good sleep aide.


So, if you get on that asap and also seek some therapy- always good to have someone to talk to and who can help you out a bit.


You're not alone...we understand how 'lost' you are right now & how emotional it is. It is VERY hard to 'accept' a loss of someone you came to love. Loss is never easy.

It will take time to deal with everything.. always remember you have the love of your family and friends. And you still have your son. If anything, keep going for yourself and for him. MY kids have kept me going, despite my emotional issues.


In a while, things will begin to calm down a bit, as you come to terms with all of this.

All you can do now is focus on YOU. Work on taking care of yourself, eat, get rest and give it time.


One day at a time... you're not alone



Link to comment
Share on other sites

That was the same advice my Dad gave me


In my experience it helped a bit. Its easy to wallow and feel miserable. I think it can become a vicious cycle. When you look in the mirror and you are a mess it just makes you feel worse about yourself and the breakup. Simply cleaning up will have a positive impact on your psyche and overall self esteem.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The good news is yes, you will be okay again and you will find love again, someone who deserves you. The bad news is, it's gonna take time.


Hang in there sweetheart, you'll get through this. The other good news is at the end of this, you'll come out a much stronger person.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My heart goes out to you, SaraJane.


I was nearly your son's age when my parents separated. Once I reached adulthood and had my heart broken, I asked my Mom how she got through such pain with 2 kids to raise--we must have made it so much harder for her. She surprised me by saying that we were her lifelines. Her responsibilities to us were what forced her into motion when she felt most paralyzed.


What you describe as going through the motions is understandable. Only a month after your losses it's likely all you can muster, but you're doing it.


Just keep doing it. The motions are what will push you through--because the only way 'around' this pain is through it.


In time small glimpses of normalcy will return again, but on other days, not so much. Then little shreds of joy will creep in--something your son says or a friend does will touch your sweet spot and you'll feel grateful to be alive.


I grieved my last breakup for about a year, although things did get progressively better before then. I don't know whether the fact that this was a second and final attempt at a relationship with someone I had loved and lived with for 4 years in my 20's (reuniting in our late 40's) made this break harder than the first time. I only know I've always loved him and always will.


Some people are best loved from far away. That's what I took from this. Love isn't enough to heal anyone, and the same mental illness that broke us up when we were young (his depression) was no more 'healthy' for me to deal with 20 years later.


This man wasn't just a lover, he is my family--I've always felt that way and still do. Part of why I remained living with him long after I knew it was no longer good for me was that I cared about what would happen to him. When he found a new girlfriend I was relieved. My sister and I attended their wedding. His wife stayed in contact with me over the years until they divorced--for the same reasons he and I broke up.


He and I speak on New Year's day each year. That's all I can handle. Earlier attempts to stay in contact felt like a propeller blade that sucks me in and rips me up.


That pain is gone now. I think of him fondly but I know where not to tread.


We can't help who we love, but one thing I know is that there IS love and happiness to be had again. There's no one 'right' way to get there--I felt sometimes as though I was scratching and clawing my way back to mine through the worst emotional pain I've ever known.


The good news is, making it through that has made me a stronger and LESS fearful person. I think we get to interpret our experiences to our benefit or our detriment. I choose benefit--and I have no doubt that you will make the same choice.


Your son is your lifeline no matter how deadened you feel at this moment. The highest part of you knows you're more capable than you could have imagined, and your son will continually reflect back to you the miracles of your strength and love.


Trust and fly on instruments. You will be proud of yourself soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry that you are going through this Sarah Jane.


To answer your question: yes you will feel ok again. Not only will you feel ok, but in time you will feel happy once again.


It is still raw for you now, but just keep pushing through the pain. Take each day as it comes. Take each little glimmer of hope as it comes and one day you will turn around and realised you haven't thought of your ex for X amount of time.


Keep strong!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...