Jump to content

how do i prevent this girl from cutting me off as friends


tom1607307597

Recommended Posts

Surprise surprise, this is related to the last thread I wrote about being very obsessive about one girl in particular and what happened because of it. The thread is here if you feel like reading it.

 

I need your help in figuring out how to stay friends with a female friend if at all possible. In the last thread I refused to read the signs that a girl didn't want to talk to me at all and came accross as an obsessive, stalkerish dude. Let's call her girl A. Her friend, Girl B, deleted me from facebook probably because of the messages she saw when I wrote to girl A. Now here's the problem. My friend Girl C, recently became friends with girl A and B. I've been inviting her to hang out and grab lunch together before she leaves for winter break because we honestly have only hung out in person one time the entire semester. I realize it time for finals and everyone is busy, but I'm worried that girl A and girl B are spreading rumours about me being a bad person and telling her to avoid me. The reason I say that is because a friend told me that he had mentioned my name to an acquaintance and the guy laughed, saying he had heard stuff about me trying to sleep with those girls, and being a player. How they got that assumption I'm not sure, I was trying to just ask out girl A eventually and now they think I was out to sleep with girl A and her friends.

 

How should I approach this? I want to talk in person or over the phone to girl C if possible and give her my side of the story, but again I learned my lesson from last time and don't want to be too pushy. Mainly focus on telling her I don't care if she's friends with girls A and B, but please don't believe everything they tell you. I feel like girls A and B are completely over reacting. Also I feel like they are seeing me like this because they are basing my behavior off some another acquaintance who went around sleeping with friends of theirs. They don't have to accept my view of things I guess but they seem stuck in their views that I'm a bad guy. Any advice?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

what I have found to be true, and I have a long 'career' in making bad friend decisions but I'm growing out of that:

when people feel that you analyse them to the 'nth degree, they will either use that to make you even more paranoid,

or ignore you all together because it makes them feel uncomfortable.

Either way, it is not a good foundation for any kind of friendship other than a distorted one.

 

Just be yourself and accept whatever it is you have said or done and then: leave it at that.

 

I learned that if I am relaxed about whatever 'flaw' I have, others will too.

 

It is human after all.

If they want to talk behind your back, nothing you will do or say will prevent them.

Good friends will not care about that and if this Girl C doesn't know you well enough and listens to whatever it is other people are saying,

she'll never be a good friend in the first place.

You also have to consider that if those other girls jump to conclusions easily, this will happen not only with or about you, so if Girl C is willing to listen to those types of people, you've got your answer about this friendship.

 

On another note: when people don't reach out to you after one or two (good) times, definitely move on. Always.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

>>I don't care if she's friends with girls A and B, but please don't believe everything they tell you.

 

No, no, no! Never say anything like that to a girl you've only hung out with once who doesn't know you. first, you don't know what they're telling girl C, if anything at all. So saying that might confuse her, and leads her to question why you're trying to 'silence' girls A and B, and the first thing she will do is run to girls A & B to see what they're saying about you so she can uncover what all this is about.

 

Next, girl C is her own person and will evaluate what she hears on her own and not what you tell her to think or believe. She doesn't know you at all, so why should she discount what other people say about you just becuase you tell her to? She is going to investigate that herself, and has a GREATER possibility of talking to girls A and B if you tell her NOT to talk to them.

 

The best way to combat rumors of any kind is to just let them die down. The rumor mill focuses on this or that for a while, but it always moves on and people will forget about it if you just go about your business and show people you are not like the rumors.

 

And don't focus so much on any one girl. You are definitely going to have to let girls A and B go, and you may need to let girl C go if she is friends with A and B. But you don't know that for sure, so just go about your business and let them go. And for any girl at all, what you should do is have one coffee date/quick date with her, and then ask her on a real date, and if she turns you down for anything or avoids you or doesn't respond with interest to your texts or calls, you drop her and move on to the next girl. You should NOT try to cultivate this nebulous cloud of girls around you where you are trying to nudge them in the direction of dating you when they are not really responding and accepting dates from you.

 

So this is your new rule. If there is a girl you like, ask her on a coffee date. If she agrees to go, good, then ask for a second evening date and if she goes, good, and proceed from there. If at any time she turns you down twice in a row (i.e., you try to meet up wiht her and she is always busy or won't go), then you drop that attempt and move on to finding another girl to ask out. Be pleasant and friendly to all girls you meet, but don't waste a lot of time trying to manipulate situaitons where you think you'll convince her to spend time with you when that doesn't work. If a girl is interested, she'll accept a date. If she's not, she won't. And trying to hang around her a lot when she won't accept a date will do nothing but get you a reputation of being a stalker or someone who 'bothers' girls.

 

So just shift to trying to get dates, and if you get rejected, that is just life, and let it go and move on until you find a girl who is interested.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You can't force somebody to be friends with you. I wouldn't start defending yourself unless this girl mentions they said something, otherwise it backs up there story.

 

Ok I was jumping to conclusions again. Right now I'm not sure what they have told girl C so it would be presumptuous talk to her and tell her not to listen to the other girls when she may not even know anything. I'm not trying to date her lavenderdove, it's one of those situations where you have been friends so long that trying to make it anything more would be weird. We've been friends since last year and I wanted to stay friends throughout this year too. Was hoping she could introduce me to some of her friends but that option doesn't look plausible anymore. Plus when I was pursuing other girls these last few months she didn't even come to mind so I don't really like her enough to have asked her out already imo.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So what can I do then? Talk to her like normal, pretend nothing's happened, and that I don't know any rumours about me? I feel like these girls have a group mentality that any guy that does anything wrong to them is automatically bad and has to shunned by everyone in the group. Won't even give you a chance to prove them wrong or let them see your point of view (please don't say it; they don't have to give me a chance I know). I'm sure girl C has heard rumors about me since she's been hanging out with them more often lately. I just hope she doesn't stop being friends because one group of girls who barely knows me is basing all their experience over that one girl's experience. I don't want to lose friends over something so stupid and that she had nothing to do with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would stay away from all of them and allow the holiday break to put some time and distance between you and the drama. Over time people get caught up in the next scandal and yours will be forgotten or diluted--but only IF you play your cards right and get out of your own way.

 

Zip your mouth, focus on your studies, and do some mild reaching out to friends here and there ~after~ your return from break to test the waters of normalcy.

 

Do NOT keep this alive by discussing it--with anyone. Consider it a lesson learned and allow the consequences to play themselves out. If you mess with that process, you'll prevent the consequences from dying down and you'll keep burning yourself.

 

Cut your losses and pipe the hell down.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So what can I do then? Talk to her like normal, pretend nothing's happened, and that I don't know any rumours about me?

 

Yes. Go stupid and cheerful. If she raises it with you, cop to acting badly, say you regret it and hope you can forgive yourself someday, and say you understand that expecting anyone else to forgive you is too much to ask. Be humble-humble-humble instead of defensive, or forget it--nobody will want anything to do with you.

 

The more you can demo that you recognize and accept that you made some very real mistakes, the more kindness you'll inspire in anyone who asks about this--but volunteer nothing unless questioned. Period.

 

If you want to blow any chance of ever getting past this, open your trap and badmouth these girls. THAT is how to get yourself on an ever-expanding S-list. 'Blaming the victim' makes people furious--don't even tip-toe NEAR there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...