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Anything I should change? Or am I just dating s?


ladybird

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A few weeks ago a guy was telling me how lovable I was and how he saw us in a serious long term relationship. How he had, had a crush on me for months. However when we started to date, the first morning after things progressed with us physically his neighbor came by at 8am ( a woman) and he said don't ask. Found out he had slept with her and had just gotten out of a 4.5 year relationship. I told him he didn't seem ready to date anyone and maybe needed some time to be single for a bit. He insisted on trying to give it a shot, i was firm and said i didn't want something casual. We gave it a shot but I sensed things were not ok, when his actions became inconsistent. I ended things because his words and actions were not matching up. He apologized saying he was just not ready to date someone that he was falling for me but couldn't fall for anyone at the moment, that it was just for the sex and then no I was important all in the same conversation. I looked at him and told him he was not in a good place and I deserved better. A few weeks later he's now dating his intern and seems all happy. Now I feel like I must have been the one with an issue cause I am the one that's alone and he's just happy with someone new that seems really nice. Mutual friends say he's in a bad space right now, but I don't know if they are just trying to lessen the blow of things or if I am just confused and hurt, so I am not seeing things clearly. I am sick of beating myself up. Please any encouragement or advice would help just make me smile a bit would be appreciated. Thank you.

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I think that you have to remember that you said you didn't want anything casual. This person he's with now may not mind casual, so that's why he's with her. Let her be the rebound relationship he works his angst out with. Be glad you don't have to wade into that cesspool with him.

 

You don't have any issues. You didn't want a casual thing with him. Nothing wrong with that. He wasn't the right guy and you found out early enough without wasting a whole lot of your time.

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This person he's with now may not mind casual, so that's why he's with her. Let her be the rebound relationship he works his angst out with. Be glad you don't have to wade into that cesspool with him.

 

Exactly this.

Just because you see them looking happy doesn't mean that they have the sort of relationship you'd like to have.

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Don't change. You're fine. You are more than fine, because it takes a strong woman to a) realize the problem b) take action on it. Seriously..I commend you for your common sense and strength. Both those things can be clouded when you are overcome with feelings of "love".

 

I agree with what others have said, this new girl might not mind an open relationship. OR heck, they might put on a good show, but secretly be very unhappy. It doesn't matter, though! Even if he and this girl go on to get married, who cares? He clearly wasn't the right guy for you. You said it yourself: you deserve better. Let go of him and the past.

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I do think you have one issue/something you can improve for the future. You slept with a guy before being in a relationship and it seems like it really increased the hurt you felt about the situation. My advice would be to avoid sex and spend time dating to see if the guy is ready for a relationship.

 

If you don't want to be used for sex, don't put it out there so early and easily without knowing him well.

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It's not about blaming either of you or deciding who was 'in the worst space.' The idea for me would be to recognize that I was able to identify all the inconsistencies with this guy and clear reasons to walk away, but instead of following what I knew to be true, I stuck around.

 

You saw the propeller blade for exactly what it was, and you walked right into it anyway.

 

When a guy is inconsistent, that's all you really need to know. It's not necessary to prove to yourself that someone will hurt you--only to question whether the fault of that was his or yours.

 

Fault is irrelevant--learning how to walk away from flakes before you get burned is a skill you can develop like any other skill.

 

Advice from Grandma: the problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes if you're too bored or lonely or insecure to resist picking up the snake to play with it.

 

Allow red-flag guys to pass early--no matter what they 'say'.

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The place where I see you could have protected your investing of yourself better (and I see this because I recently did this myself...twice.) You saw some red flags and even were courageous enough to say "I deserve more than this" and THEN let someone talk you out of that or change your mind about it. Then when you were right in the end (which your instincts and self confidence told you) you wanna bang your freaking head against a wall. I can relate.

Next time you think you deserve better and actions don't match words, stick to your guns and move on. If someone has to convince you that you're wrong and they succeed then they see they can get away with stuff because you trust their words more than you trust yourself.

#lessonlearned

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